Sister ruined Christmas with stupid affair drama - AIBU to be really stressed?

[aerisgainsborough]

It’s a long one, grab a brew and a biscuit.

I’m 36, sister B is 33, sister C is 31. All married, I have 3 children, we’re close knit, live within 5 miles of each other and do stuff with each other and our parents all the time. Middle sis has always had issues with self-esteem and either hates herself or loves herself. Has always been impulsive and attention-seeking (my youngest sis and I think she may have BPD).

B’s husband is a bit of a wet lettuce and very surface-level, is a bit ignorant and only speaks to my kids to tell them off in a really patronising voice.B He has “not made his mind up” on whether or not to start a family so B is kind of stuck in limbo on that and they won’t discuss it. She tries to let on that she doesn’t want children, but it directly contradicts what’s she’s said before and she flip flops constantly. They have very few commitments, a cat and a weekly board game club, and sit playing online games all weekend and that’s about it but reckon they live busy lives.

However, B cheated on him 10-ish years ago and he forgave her, which made us all lose respect for both B and for him because she really was horrible to him. He then proposed and they’ve been married for 5 years. He struggles a lot with anxiety etc and she says she feels more like his carer, but we’ve never seen any behaviour to support this so just generally have to take her word for it.

Recently B started a new job (she changes jobs nearly every year) and has got friendly with a male co-worker who is 10 years younger and they’ve started up a fling, despite them both being married. She “left” her husband almost immediately and declared her love for him. He strung her along for weeks, saying he couldn’t leave his girlfriend yet, going through phases of constant messaging and then ghosting her. Eventually she confronted this lad and said she loves him and he’s told her he regrets it all and nothing can happen. I was sworn to secrecy during all of this and nobody else knew but me, which was horrible and during Christmas week so I spent the whole Christmas period hosting the rest of the family while B and her husband went and played happy families with his side. I’m autistic and had a very intense internal struggle with all this. I was crying, feeling sick, unable to think about anything else. I was trying to cope with everything changing, her betrayal and not being the person I thought she was, them already being split up but not telling anyone, When it finally all came out and she told everyone, they were all angry at her for putting me in that position. It’s all everyone has been able to talk about since and my mum keeps trying to get me to find things out. I’m the eldest default child who gets leaned on by everyone and I’m just so tired.

So B is now just living with her husband as housemates and helping each other set up dating profiles. She is meeting up with a 40-odd year old she met on a kink app and during a phone call he told her that he had massive hands and could choke the life out of her if he wanted to. I’m sitting there listening as she tells me she’s meeting up with him at his flat in Manchester and I am now picturing her being chopped up and dumped in a bin. I’m trying to put some distance between me and her problems because we all get a bit enmeshed at times and it’s not good for my mental health but I am worried sick that something will happen to her.

My parents fully believe that B and husband will get back together and don’t know about B being “on the apps”. I’m sick of them asking about it and just don’t know what to do about it all. Thank you, if you’ve read this far.

Kindly, you may have missed the bit where she said she's autistic (the op). Makes sense to me that she's exhibiting little emotional filtering. She will be taking it all to heart and it will be consuming her thoughts constantly. OP - could you have ADHD?

Bit unfair. As if the OP is not going to worry about something awful happening to sister B.

What a mess. Sorry op. Sounds hard. I do hope tho that your BIL never takes your sister back for his sake.

What would you have done in that situation? What would you actually have done? Then reframe the whole scenario from an autistic perspective. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it and felt really alone and overwhelmed. I was not maliciously gossiping behind a fan, I’ve been trying to help her and did so to my own detriment. I am just trying to do my best and don’t want anyone to be upset. I am not making them all talk about it, they just are because they’re all shocked. I don’t want this, I want to be left alone. I’m questioning things that are baked into who I am and the family dynamic I’ve been born into. I am a good, kind person and all I want to do is help.

Not overlooked clues, she genuinely isn’t neurodivergent. Her partner probs is I think but she isn’t. She’s been assessed.

I do, I’m diagnosed AuDHD but the autism is what seems to be dominant at the moment

Exactly this!

@aerisgainsborough Go low contact just for a while (avoid picking up calls). You don’t need to hear the latest drama. It’s stressing you because there is absolutely nothing you can do about the situation. So if you don’t know about the problems they can’t stress you out.

If family pop round to yours, tell them that your mental health isn’t great at the moment so all conversation needs to be kept lighthearted and no mention of family drama.

Have you ever considered that your sister is jealous of what you have got in your life. You have the perfect children, husband and life. You work in mental health this is classic transference. She hates her life she wouldn't be cheating if she had the perfect life. Wake up and look at your sister for what she is a "CUNT"

A couple of other recommendations - you and your sister's ex(?) might benefit from the book Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randy Kreger. It's aimed at people who have some form of relationship with people with BPD/EUPD. It's goal is finding more effective communication strategies and boundaries with people that may have such personality disorders.

At the very least, if you can I'd recommend you slip him a link to the Warning Signs that You're Dating a Loser by Dr Joe Carver. Unfortunately it seems like his original website no longer exists but there's a copy of the contents here - https://counsellingresource.com/therapy/self-help/loser/. It's not specifically about having relationships with people who may have personality disorders but it's a really good basic checklist of red flags in relationships.

You have to start putting boundaries in place she is not forcing you. You are allowing her to continue.

no, I understand although with me it wasn't a family member. I stand by what I said including my comments about working in mental health.

She's an adult now so they're not responsible for her either. She's responsible for herself and she doesn't have to listen to anyone. This will be part of the problem in their relationship with her. They're not accepting that she's an autonomous adult and they don't have control over how she lives her life. They need to understand that how they feel about that or about what she's doing, is their problem to deal with. They can choose to support her and listen to her or they can choose not to, but they can't choose to control her just so they don't have to worry about her or because they don't agree with her decisions. They probably need to step back. If she's closing off from them and not telling them things it's probably because of their reaction when she does open up. She protects herself from that reaction and from having to deal with their expression of their emotions, by keeping things private from them, which is sensible under those circumstances.

I feel that you're missing something with boundaries OP. They're not something you ask others to allow you to have then throw your hands up in despair when they repeatedly ride roughshod over them. They're something you have by having them, not just saying you have them.

Something like this -

B: so this dating thing happened...
You: I don't want to hear about it.
B: we were at this place and...
You: I just told you I don't want to hear about it. It's stressful and what you do is your own business. Stop talking about it to me.
B: I just need to tell you to get it off my chest, we were doing...
You: ok B you need to leave now, here's your coat, you can sit on the garden wall and wait for your taxi. Bye. [shuts door]

You say you can't get a read on her MH because of her saying she's happy to be having a wild time. You don't need to get a read on her MH, you're her sister not her therapist or her doctor. If she needs monitoring it needs to be by someone impartial, not by you and if she doesn't want to seek help, that's on her.

It's incredibly hard to step back and not look after others if you're that way inclined, but if someone is on a self destructive path, you walking it with them won't keep them safe, it achieves nothing except to see you going down the destructive path too. You have to choose to step off the path, stop following your sister down it even though that means you'll lose sight of her, and go back to the safety of your nuclear family to live your own life. You don't exist to walk in her shadow, following her around to sweep up her messes and constantly worrying if you need to grab her and try to pull her back from the brink. You've told her the path is dangerous. If she chooses to walk down it anyway then, for your own sanity, you need to let her go alone.

You don’t come across as spiteful at all. There seems to be a strong history of lying and cheating men and women in my family.
I couldn’t bear it, trying to stay loyal and at the same time feeling sorry about the partners who are cheated on and lied to and feeling conflicted because personally I can’t handle being around liars and people who cheat on others and hurt them.
it’s painful to watch and hear about.
plus if they’re lying to everyone else then they’re probably lying to me.

I ended up withdrawing completely from that side of the family because I never felt safe or comfortable with them.
bring nd my nervous system doesn’t work well around people who are non transparent or game players etc

You can become good at detachment and not being a people pleaser etc with practice. I used to be like you.

It's been trained into you from birth, how you are. It's not your fault and if you want to change, that takes time. Step one is learning what dysfunctional behaviour you yourself have, which people are saying in this thread. It doesn't make you toxic or spiteful or anything (basically you got lucky, you could have been B), but if you grow up in a dysfunctional family dynamic then you're a part of that dynamic and you'll be dysfunctional to some extent too. You can't start overcoming it until you first realise it. Which I'm guessing you now have. Then it takes time for knowledge to be put into practice, as effective and consistent behaviour changes. Especially when you're dealing with AuDHD too.

Others are good at this detachment stuff because they started the process of changing themselves for the better years ago, or because they were born into families that weren't dysfunctional in the first place so they grew up learning all this stuff as standard. I liken it to being a teenager again and learning all the stuff you'd have learned then, if you grew up in a healthy family. Being a teenager isn't a month or a year, it's a decade. So although you're not a teenager and you've got a lifetime of skills and experience and although you can start making changes now, it's still hard and takes time to be consistent with it. Give it five years you'll be a whole new person.

Some people have had a go at you but most are sharing tips and advice to help you, so don't feel bad about yourself. You didn't ask to get born into dysfunction and you had no control over it.

Don't be surprised if you end up low or no contact with some of your family though. IME it eventually became a situation where every single communication is someone trying to tear down my boundaries and me enforcing them over and over. It's exhausting and eventually I ended up thinking what's the point in having contact with this person because no good ever comes of it.

I also dont get why you're so stressed. People split up all the time - so? It sounds like it was for the vest. How does it affect you?

It's the husband I feel sorry for just in what you've said try to imagine how he has felt all these years as your sister plays up again and again and you already know she's hard work and you don't even live with her. I have a diagnosed bpd brother and when the self destruct turns on he treats everyone badly but neither would I keep secrets for him or condone the behaviours despite having autism also. His dramas are just that until he is better again

You do nothing you say it is none of you business, people complain constantly about thought loads and how stressed everyone is yet how many people take on other people's dramas

You do nothing you say nothing you leave them to it and if she uses you are as a counsellor tell her to stop

Thank you, this makes so much sense. I understand things and see them a lot clearer now.

Yes!!! I’m even more sure now that my intense emotional reaction is the ND justice thing coupled with trying to grapple with the games and mystery.

You need to work on some personal boundaries lovely. When your sister tries to offload her problems onto you, start by saying things like "I can't listen to this at the moment because your behaviour is seriously concerning me", "Please respect my boundaries", "I'm sorry but I have my own things going on at the moment and I can't offer any advice or I don't have the headspace for your destructive behaviour", "Maybe you should speak to a professional?" - Repeat this or similar EVERY time she's trying to offload her problems or sordid details of her new found freedom. "I don't want to hear about your sex life/kink apps" etc.
I understand you are the oldest and probably feel a sense of obligation but you aren't handling it very well and she doesn't seem to massively care about the impact it is having on YOU and your mental health.
The more you use your boundaries, the easier they will get, the less she will try and the better you will feel.
You can't control her actions but you can control how it affects you.

I'm also diagnosed AuDHD, just so you know.

What would I actually have done? I would have said, Hey sister, I don't want to get involved in your drama. I'm not going to keep your secrets. I think you might need some mental health support but that can't be from me right now. Please stop expecting me to get involved in this situation. It's nothing to do with me.

And if she wouldn't stop, I would stop answering her calls.

And to family: I appreciate we're all worried about B. But I don't have the time or capacity to keep talking about this. Please can we let it drop. I want to spend this time with my immediate family and would also love to see you all, but only if we can stop gossiping about B.

And again, if they refuse, then give yourself a time out, rescind invitations etc.

That's what I would actually do. Make choices that protect me and my family, rather than pretending to be completely powerless so that I could get myself into the heart of a drama that is actually nothing to do with me. Hope that helps.

It can be so hard doing mental gymnastics all the time just to keep up with daily life

Ok, you got me and uncovered my Machiavellian plans. Never mind that she has brought me into this herself, along with my parents and I’d do anything to go back in time and never be privy to any of the information that she offloaded onto me. Yesterday, I’ve made it clear to her that I don’t want to know any more. I’ve firmly changed the subject when my parents brought it up today. I am so conflict-averse that confrontation gives me physical sensations of pain but I’ve made a start and I’m hoping to create long-lasting change in the dynamic between me and the rest of them.

Also, if you are actually diagnosed with AuDHD, why are you trying to tear down someone else with it? Someone who clearly struggles a lot more than you do? At least with certain things. Every choice I make is for the good of my family and my children will always come first. I’m tired and done with it all. I just want to be able to live in peace.

are you coming from a place of experience with your advice, or is it purely hypothetical?

I agree wholeheartedly with this.

If I told you my life story you, with a sister so selfish that it negatively affected my life for 30 years, you would actually think I was making it up! Although, she wasn’t all to blame, yes, she’s a complete fuck-up, but it was my mother who told me every single problem that arose (for herself, my sister and sister’s kids) which led to me having to fix or improve things. It was exhausting but I thought we were all equally there for each other.

It took 30 years for me to see I was being used. My sister continued on her destructive path and my mum rewarded her with leaving her, her house (saying she needs it because she gave up her ‘perfectly’ good council place) and me nothing.

This was the icing on the cake for me. An opportunity to say ‘no more’!

I no longer allow people to get me involved in family drama. I’ve learnt my lesson and I wouldn’t swap the peace and quiet I now have for all the money in the world.

Well done OP with making things clear to your sister and for changing the subject with your family. That’s great progress!

I was too young when all the drama started to realise it wasn’t normal. So I’m happy that you realise you’re in the middle of something you shouldn’t be.

Keep going. Stay strong!