It’s a long one, grab a brew and a biscuit.
I’m 36, sister B is 33, sister C is 31. All married, I have 3 children, we’re close knit, live within 5 miles of each other and do stuff with each other and our parents all the time. Middle sis has always had issues with self-esteem and either hates herself or loves herself. Has always been impulsive and attention-seeking (my youngest sis and I think she may have BPD).
B’s husband is a bit of a wet lettuce and very surface-level, is a bit ignorant and only speaks to my kids to tell them off in a really patronising voice.B He has “not made his mind up” on whether or not to start a family so B is kind of stuck in limbo on that and they won’t discuss it. She tries to let on that she doesn’t want children, but it directly contradicts what’s she’s said before and she flip flops constantly. They have very few commitments, a cat and a weekly board game club, and sit playing online games all weekend and that’s about it but reckon they live busy lives.
However, B cheated on him 10-ish years ago and he forgave her, which made us all lose respect for both B and for him because she really was horrible to him. He then proposed and they’ve been married for 5 years. He struggles a lot with anxiety etc and she says she feels more like his carer, but we’ve never seen any behaviour to support this so just generally have to take her word for it.
Recently B started a new job (she changes jobs nearly every year) and has got friendly with a male co-worker who is 10 years younger and they’ve started up a fling, despite them both being married. She “left” her husband almost immediately and declared her love for him. He strung her along for weeks, saying he couldn’t leave his girlfriend yet, going through phases of constant messaging and then ghosting her. Eventually she confronted this lad and said she loves him and he’s told her he regrets it all and nothing can happen. I was sworn to secrecy during all of this and nobody else knew but me, which was horrible and during Christmas week so I spent the whole Christmas period hosting the rest of the family while B and her husband went and played happy families with his side. I’m autistic and had a very intense internal struggle with all this. I was crying, feeling sick, unable to think about anything else. I was trying to cope with everything changing, her betrayal and not being the person I thought she was, them already being split up but not telling anyone, When it finally all came out and she told everyone, they were all angry at her for putting me in that position. It’s all everyone has been able to talk about since and my mum keeps trying to get me to find things out. I’m the eldest default child who gets leaned on by everyone and I’m just so tired.
So B is now just living with her husband as housemates and helping each other set up dating profiles. She is meeting up with a 40-odd year old she met on a kink app and during a phone call he told her that he had massive hands and could choke the life out of her if he wanted to. I’m sitting there listening as she tells me she’s meeting up with him at his flat in Manchester and I am now picturing her being chopped up and dumped in a bin. I’m trying to put some distance between me and her problems because we all get a bit enmeshed at times and it’s not good for my mental health but I am worried sick that something will happen to her.
My parents fully believe that B and husband will get back together and don’t know about B being “on the apps”. I’m sick of them asking about it and just don’t know what to do about it all. Thank you, if you’ve read this far.