Sister ruined Christmas with stupid affair drama - AIBU to be really stressed?

[aerisgainsborough]

It’s a long one, grab a brew and a biscuit.

I’m 36, sister B is 33, sister C is 31. All married, I have 3 children, we’re close knit, live within 5 miles of each other and do stuff with each other and our parents all the time. Middle sis has always had issues with self-esteem and either hates herself or loves herself. Has always been impulsive and attention-seeking (my youngest sis and I think she may have BPD).

B’s husband is a bit of a wet lettuce and very surface-level, is a bit ignorant and only speaks to my kids to tell them off in a really patronising voice.B He has “not made his mind up” on whether or not to start a family so B is kind of stuck in limbo on that and they won’t discuss it. She tries to let on that she doesn’t want children, but it directly contradicts what’s she’s said before and she flip flops constantly. They have very few commitments, a cat and a weekly board game club, and sit playing online games all weekend and that’s about it but reckon they live busy lives.

However, B cheated on him 10-ish years ago and he forgave her, which made us all lose respect for both B and for him because she really was horrible to him. He then proposed and they’ve been married for 5 years. He struggles a lot with anxiety etc and she says she feels more like his carer, but we’ve never seen any behaviour to support this so just generally have to take her word for it.

Recently B started a new job (she changes jobs nearly every year) and has got friendly with a male co-worker who is 10 years younger and they’ve started up a fling, despite them both being married. She “left” her husband almost immediately and declared her love for him. He strung her along for weeks, saying he couldn’t leave his girlfriend yet, going through phases of constant messaging and then ghosting her. Eventually she confronted this lad and said she loves him and he’s told her he regrets it all and nothing can happen. I was sworn to secrecy during all of this and nobody else knew but me, which was horrible and during Christmas week so I spent the whole Christmas period hosting the rest of the family while B and her husband went and played happy families with his side. I’m autistic and had a very intense internal struggle with all this. I was crying, feeling sick, unable to think about anything else. I was trying to cope with everything changing, her betrayal and not being the person I thought she was, them already being split up but not telling anyone, When it finally all came out and she told everyone, they were all angry at her for putting me in that position. It’s all everyone has been able to talk about since and my mum keeps trying to get me to find things out. I’m the eldest default child who gets leaned on by everyone and I’m just so tired.

So B is now just living with her husband as housemates and helping each other set up dating profiles. She is meeting up with a 40-odd year old she met on a kink app and during a phone call he told her that he had massive hands and could choke the life out of her if he wanted to. I’m sitting there listening as she tells me she’s meeting up with him at his flat in Manchester and I am now picturing her being chopped up and dumped in a bin. I’m trying to put some distance between me and her problems because we all get a bit enmeshed at times and it’s not good for my mental health but I am worried sick that something will happen to her.

My parents fully believe that B and husband will get back together and don’t know about B being “on the apps”. I’m sick of them asking about it and just don’t know what to do about it all. Thank you, if you’ve read this far.

It’s been brought up seriously a few times and she copped to it but never sought a diagnosis. She has these patterns of behaviour and cycles of it and I believe she feels trapped by it.

I can’t switch off the big-sister feelings and I need to try and find a balance. But this I can’t ignore and I hope it’s her going for a bit of shock value

No offence at all and thank you. My reaction to it has shocked me and I’m trying to dig into what is underneath it all. ND overwhelm a big factor and also a big bereavement this year that required me to give my family a lot of support. I think I’m just utterly burned out.

Standard kink advice would be:

• Try to talk to other people who know the person you're planning to meet in advance
• Meet somewhere public - coffee shop / pub and go from there.
• Seriously consider arranging to do kink stuff with a new person at a kink club. Not everybody into kink wants to do it with an audience but there are safety advantages ie. in a kink club if you start shouting "red" you will quickly attract attention from staff / volunteers which is useful if the person you're doing stuff with is behaving badly and you want to get away. It's also useful if you want to do tying people up in ways that are hard to escape from - the risk is of the person doing the tying up suddenly becoming unwell and the tied up person being stuck. And useful for other things too but you get the idea.
• Hotels are safer than people's houses - they have reception desks / CCTV and are a good choice when you don't know someone well.
• Having a safe call - someone who will come and find you / phone the police to report you missing if they don't hear from you by an agreed time.

Predatory people may try to isolate a new person from the kink community in the hopes they don't get to hear warnings about them or good advice on negotiating play.

Kinksters also tend to take a much more conservative line on choking than you might expect and are a bit horrified at it becoming more mainstream. It's extremely dangerous and lots of us wouldn't dream of doing it. It is redflaggy to have it come up in early discussions. There's no way to make it safe (some people do it anyway with an awareness of those risks).

So, you could sensibly encourage your sister to look up and go to local munches (coffee / pub social meets for kinky people). That would give her other more appropriate people to talk to about kinky.

Standard boundaries around discussing sex between siblings would say it'd be better for you both if she found someone else to be her safe call person.

Autism is definitely worth looking at given you have it. Sometimes there's both autism and a BPD/EUPD element and you need to know about the autism to adapt the treatment for the personality disorder.

You’ve hit the nail on the head, this is exactly what I’m feeling. I’ve been trying to say this to everyone but it often falls on deaf ears. I find conflict and standing up for myself difficult and I just want a quiet life with my husband and kids. I think I’m going to have to say it louder and stand firm.

Yes, this is correct and it’s just horrible. Im sick of being looped in as the third parent because they don’t know how to deal with her, never have, and she seems to only listen to me.

I don’t always like her, but I do love her. I’m
not smug, I just want to protect my peace and not be the default bomb diffuser for every single thing that goes wrong. She’s done some shitty things and I don’t have to agree in order to help her. It’s not easy being in this position at all but I know she’s not a bad person.

B is actually saying how happy she is every time I see her or have any communication with her. She says she has never felt so free and is looking forward to sowing her wild oats. It’s really hard to get a read on her mental state when this is what she says to me.

Ignore all of them and mind your business, no because you are been nosey or interfering, just because ignoring them will help you with the stress. Grey rock them, all of them. They can cheat, dance, become poliamorouse, or smell with pride their own farts. Nothing to do with you.
If you mum ask, tell her that what your sister does it is none of your business. If you sister want to talk tell her you don't want to know, that she is an adult and you are minding your own business. Rinse a repeat. Let them clear that you don't want that drama in your life.

I know and I’m going to try. Thank you

OP, I know that this isn't really the point of your thread, but as somebody who is also the eldest of three girls, if I were to tell my sisters that I was meeting up with somebody I had met on a kink app, they would tell our parents, as punishment for me telling them that I was on a kink app.

I don’t feel in any way superior. Me and her are just wired differently. She went to Cornwall for Christmas and had a whale of a time. I spent mine trying to contain this bullshit and keep it off my mum’s radar as she spent her first Christmas without her brother/our uncle. I wonder every day what I did to deserve my beautiful children and husband and have very intense and regular imposter syndrome. I hope that you feel superior for your comment.

I am sorry your sister has put you in this awful situation, especially given your autism. It's just not fair, neither is your mother wanting you to find out information, she of all people should know better.

What I would do in your position is tell your sister how unfair she is to burden you with her confidences and refuse to listen to any more. I know that won't be easy but you have to consider your own mental state.

I find the 'big hands' and choking scenario quite alarming, well, very alarming but trust your sis is not so stupid as to meet the guy.

Good luck.

I’m so sorry you’re going through that, I see a lot of similarities and it sounds so intense and inescapable. I hope you find some peace through all that and I’m going to try and find some of my own too.

This is the wrong way to think about boundaries. Boundaries aren't requests you make that other people stick to. That's just the other person acting well. You don't need to set boundaries with someone who will follow your requests.

Boundaries are things that you stick to. You don't need your sister to stop trying to tell you stuff (though it would be lovely if she did). You need to stop listening to her. That's you having a boundary. Not saying "Please don't." when it happens, but saying "Sorry, I have to go."

I’m neurodivergent and I understand the tendency to get pulled into other people’s drama and to end up with it absorbing you, taking away your brain space and making you feel anxious .
I’d always end up paying a far higher price than anyone who’s actually involved.

you need to start telling everyone you don’t want to be involved, you don’t want your sister to tell you stuff and you don’t want other people grilling you for information.
Don’t need to go into detail, just stick to your guns and spend less time with them if they keep trying to pull you in or interrogate you.

I don’t want her to feel like she’s on her own and no-one cares. I don’t want her to put herself in unsafe situations because she’s not thinking clearly. I wish she could have an easier time of it all.

We can’t all be bulletproof just because we work in mental health. Fucked up family dynamics are there for a lot of people, I don’t think I’m in the minority there. You’re right though, the time has come for me to make some decisions.

Thank you. I really am just worried and can’t bear the thought of anything happening to her. It doesn’t help when none of the others will just shut tf up about it all.

Thank you :)

She's an adult. You can't control what she does. You're just going to have to leave her to it.

You know what you can control? Yourself. Your boundaries. Her constant telling you her private life is having serious impacts on your mental health.

Martyring yourself doesn't show her someone cares, it shows her that you're a doormat and prioritize her. She likes the drama and you enable it to your detriment.

Think of it like addiction and you're the person enabling the addict and your own family is not your priority.

If you work on mental health care, you know what a toxic family dynamic you're participating in. Time to step back and prioritize your family.

Some things never change. Thank you :)

I can understand why you're worried about your sister but you're not helping her by keeping her secrets and getting involved in her dramas.

Let her know that you're worried about her and suggest she seeks out a therapist, counsellor, or psychiatrist to discuss her situation with. Tell her that you are not able to give her that kind of support and that you need to focus on your own family. Let her know that you won't be keeping her secrets, either.

She may or may seek out some mental health help. But that's up to her. You can't force people to seek out help and support. But you can stop enabling and encouraging their destructive behaviours and dramas.

I would also stop gossiping about her with your parents, husband, and your other sister. It's not fair and it just keeps the drama alive. Stop bringing it up and if anyone brings it up with you, shut it down immediately. Focus on your own life.

Okey chokey made me snort. You’re right, my kids deserve a non-burned out mum that has airplane mode turned on

This is really interesting, thank you. I’m going to do some research, thanks for highlighting this.