We’ve hurt the birthday boy’s feelings?

[sidneytweeney]

So my son who is 8 has been invited to his friend’s birthday party next weekend. Another mum who I am friends with has asked me to take her son to the party too as she is working (he’s been invited.) I’ve agreed to do this and to help my friend out further, her son is going to be having a sleepover at mine in the night of the party. (Mum friend is a single parent, works as a nurse) The birthday boy is staying at his grandparents after his party in order to see extended family for his birthday. Birthday boy’s mum texted me this morning to say that I had disappointed birthday boy by organising a fun sleepover to which birthday boy can’t come. She said I had ‘taken the shine off his special day.’ Unless I’m missing a higher chunk of social awareness , this woman is batshit right?

The other mum is batshit for writing to you but there is something equally irksome about smug parents who love building up transactional friendships with other mums just so they can offload the children to each other. They bask in the superiority of being able to help others, balance work and kids, finding a "village", when it basically boils down to getting free childcare and not wanting to pay a babysitter. You can spot them a mile away, similar to the social climbing mums who prioritise having their kids in the right circles. The transactional mums immediately know which families they can latch onto to get free rides and nights off. Or they have shit partners who don't pull their weight so they target other mums for childcare favours.

Anyone can see that it's slightly poor form to plan something after a mutual friends birthday celebration. If an adult started a thread here saying two of her best friends are going on a spa break immediately after her birthday party, then there would be more discussion.

To be honest, it sounds like OP is being taken advantage of by the other mum. Yes, we know she's a nurse so let's give a round of applause for the NHS, but she would have had to work that night anyway. What was the plan with her son if there hadn't been a party? Was she still going to write to OP and ask her to take her kid because she needs to work? The party seemed like a good excuse to get a small foot in the door and then expand it to getting the entire night off without even having to drive her own kid anywhere.

Perfect. Let’s punish the 8 year old child by having two of his friends not come to his birthday party that’s been confirmed, talked about and paid for. Sounds delightful.

A great school gate Mum 😂 well done OP, you’ve worked all your life for this accolade.

Imagine being at work in a team of 3 and you’re all equally good friends and two of them just start talking about going out somewhere you would have liked to have gone but can’t and wasn’t invited. I mean it wouldn’t happen to me because I don’t want any friends but imagine how upset some of the women on here would be!

Wow.

Indeed. ‘It takes a village’. But I don’t want to be a village to your child or even be polite or refrain from hurting their feelings because you’re annoying. Just a village to the Mums I like thank you.

I suppose it's alright if it's transactional and fair but I agree. I've definitely met mums at the school who suddenly want to be best buddies and it always turns out it's about you doing them some sort of favour. Lunch and coffee at your house daily without an invite back, after school childcare, money etc. That's not to say everyone is like this and you can't find genuine friendships at the school but you do have to be careful if you don't want to be used.

Exactly. If the kids were talking about it was presumably in an excited way, what they were going to do, etc. I'm not surprised the other 8 year old was sad about it (and he clearly was at least a bit fussed, as he told his mum). I don't think it was terrible or malicious or anything but it was the kind of social indelicacy that kids should be pulled up on, and I think OP would see that if it was her kid who was trying to have a chat in an online game while their two friends discussed a sleepover they weren't invited to.

Well, that’s a leap. If she asked for help, I’d help her too if I could. Why do you assume I wouldn’t?

But it’s ok to feel sad, and disappointed on occasion.

@Lamentingalways when comparing the 3 friends at work scenario, it's not quite like how you describe is it. Because if you are trying to compare the same, the 3 of them would be meeting up for one thing, then one of them has something else to go to, and then one of the others can't go back to their house for some reason and so the other friend invites her to stay at hers.

I can completely understand any 8 year old being envious his friends are having a sleepover whether it is his birthday or not, regardless of the reason for the sleepover kids really enjoy them. Surely most 8 year olds would feel envious/feel left out, it is just some have been trained not to voice it.

But yes, mum is batshit to raise it rather than just manage his feelings.

Absolutely it is. And the mum here is insane.
But thinking about all the friends of my children, I would be sad to think that they were upset and would try and reassure them that it was not personal or intended to upset them. Just a ‘ah I’m sorry he’s disappointed, it’s a childcare arrangement to help x out and of course we’d have loved to have had him over for a sleepover too. Hopefully we can arrange another sleepover soon’.

This is a lovely reply OP. Hope she appreciates it!

Goodness, that’s quite a take.

Ignoring everything else, if I had invited 10 friends out for lunch to celebrate my birthday and was then planning to go and visit my parents for (more) cake and presents, I’d think it was lovely that two of my friends decided to go to the cinema or shopping or for drinks after lunch.

You don’t get to ring fence every one else’s time particularly when you aren’t even available. Even if you are 8 years old.

Yeah but 1 - it could have been avoided by asking your son not mention the sleepover to the birthday boy and 2 - it’s not okay for an adult to relish a child’s sadness (I can tell you are) or actively avoid trying to help them feel better about it (like when you said you weren’t responding).

Just take a moment to understand that you are saying it’s okay to feel disappoint or sadness on your birthday, when you’re 8.

Good for you even

How far either side of a party is it unacceptable for the attendees to have different things going on?

She was asking for your help in a clumsy, socially awkward, entitled way. She was asking you not to have your kid talk about an exciting sleepover at your house on her kids birthday. You don’t want to help with that because you have the moral high ground and everyone on MN agrees with you.

Probably find that other children might be meeting up afterwards too

Very strange behaviour by the mother?
Does she think every sleepover should include her child? I don't understand her thinking at all.

On your birthday? Let us know when your birthday is and we’ll all find a way to ruin your day. It’ll be good for you.

I probably would have avoided the sleepover personally. But on the other hand if mine was the birthday child I’d be distracting and minimising and suggesting a sleepover on another day. Certainly wouldn’t be raising with the other parent.

So why isn’t my DS invited?

You know, it's fine to be sad occasionally, even aged eight. It's fine to think 'I'd rather be on a sleepover than see my grandparents and I feel a bit bad for thinking that'. It's a parent's job to help a child navigate uncomfortable feelings, FOMO etc by telling them it's OK to feel these things.

Alas, this parent is the kind of loon who thinks that an appropriate response to her child feeling slightly sad he can't make a sleepover he wasn't invited and couldn't attend anyway to is to make that the sleepover-hosting parent's problem and issue a fussy text-message rebuke. Poor kid. Not because of the sleepover, but because of having a mother who models 'Uncomfortable feelings are to be avoided at all costs by trying to make them someone else's issue.'