Nighttime routine.

[inthecornersofmymind]

I am the mother of three boys: 10, 4 and 2.

I try to settle my 10-year-old and 4-year-old to bed at 8pm. My 4-year-old has a separate bedroom, but he shares it with my 10-year-old since he doesn't like sleeping alone or being in his own room.

We have made numerous attempts to get him settled in his bedroom at bedtime; despite our efforts, it consistently results in tears and meltdowns.

I allow both boys 30 minutes of either book or screen time just to be fair, and then it's lights out and goodnight.

This always creates an issue, as my 10-year-old loves reading and becomes so engrossed in his books that he doesn’t want to close the book and go to sleep when asked. My 4-year-old has same problem with screen time, and neither of them goes to sleep until around 9 to 9:30PM, just like tonight.

I want to end book and screen time before bedtime since I face the same problem every night. I feel upset because I'm simply trying to be fair, yet it seems like they are taking it for granted.

Would it be reasonable to instantly STOP book and screen time entirely before going to sleep?, given that I feel unable to wean them off gradually.

Personally I would remove the screen entirely. Perhaps a Yoto/Toniebox instead for youngest. And I would get eldest a clip-on light or a Kindle or something for reading so he doesn’t have to stop when it’s time for 4yo to go sleep. I wouldn’t stop the reading at bedtime. I don’t think 9pm is really that bad for a 10yo and I think you risk him becoming resentful of his sibling if he’s not able to read his books.

And you mention being fair, but a 4yo and a 10yo don’t really need to have the same bedtime. 10yos will obviously generally stay up later, so I don’t think it’s fair of 10yo to have to go to sleep at same time as a 4yo just because 4yo won’t sleep in his own room.

It’s unfair on your 10 year old to have to follow a 4 year olds routine.

In fact I think the 2yo and 4yo would be more natural room sharers in terms of stages and bedtimes and 10yo in his own room.

Our 2-year-old also refuses to settle or sleep alone, which is why we don’t have a bedtime routine for him.

He usually goes to bed at the time my husband or I choose, obviously I understand that this is not good and we need to tackle it.

Should we consider letting our 10-year-old stay up a bit longer?

I think the 2+4 year old should share and have similar routines. 10 year old own room and later bedtime.

reading yes. Screen time no. Yoto play good alternative.

8pm seems early for a 10 year old. If he's happy to read I like a PP suggestion of a clip on light or kindle. They can both read but 4 YO has to stop earlier.

Will your 10 year old go to secondary school in September? Depending on bus journeys, after school stuff and homework the 8pm bedtime may well need to change.

I have an almost 7yo and a 3.5yo. 3yo goes to bed around 7, 6yo gets an hour to an hour and a half or so to do stuff with us or solo (arts and crafts, board games, etc.) before she goes to bed.

I guess your problem is if 4yo won’t go to bed by himself. It’s kind of unfair for 10yo that that means he has to follow that routine but I understand how it’s ended up like this. If the bedtime situation isn’t able to be changed in that regard for the moment, I would definitely be letting 10yo read longer via reading light or a Kindle as a concession to that fact. I wouldn’t allow screens (guessing tablet?) in bed at bedtime at all. An audiobook or sleep stories or something, but not screen time.

I think you need to take control of all your kids bedtimes!

To have your 10yr old doing the same bedtime as a 4 year old is crazy.

Seriously your letting a 4 year old
control the house.

Screentime for a 4yo at bedtime?! Screentime for a 4yo is bad anyway and then you chose the absolute worst time possible. At 4yo mine went to bed at 6.30/7pm. After being read to and a proper routine. Maybe try slow withdrawal method if they like someone with them, potentially an audio book or some nature sounds/ gentle lullaby music as silence can be too quiet sometimes.

Very unfair on your 10yo to have a toddler routine imposed on them. They should be allowed to be up a bit later once the littles are asleep. I'd imagine 8/9pm for normal for a 10yo.

Also your 2 year old needs more sleep! They should be in bed 7ish.

Our 4 year old is asleep by 7pm, no way would he last as late as yours, mine would be a nightmare. Screens before bed is a really bad idea, it’s recommended that they have no screens for at least an hour before bed. I would get your 10 year old a reading light for his book.

OP, you need to get a grip on 2yr old and 4 yr old bedtimes! They should be in bed by 7/7.30 latest and 10 year old should have a later bedtime 8/8.30 with a half hour reading time. I wouldn't be allowing screen time for 4 yr old, you can read some stories with him and then lights out and sleep! Sounds like you need to give them some tough love and take charge. You will have some difficult nights at first but persevere and be consistent. You'll be glad you did!

2 and 4 year old should be sharing a bedroom and be asleep no later than 8pm.

10 year old should be allowed up later to enjoy peace and be absorbed in his books. This is absolutely vital and it’s really not fair that he’s not getting this. That has to change.

No one should have any screens before bed.

Is your husband the dad to the 10 year old?

Of course he is, what makes you ask?

I think the time of the bedtime depends. When mine were 4 and in reception they didn't get hoke from after school club until 530pm/6. They doesn't leave much time for tea, a shower, stories etc with a 7pm bedtime. We've always had to have later bedtimes than most people and definitely what's considered "normal". I've always based it on if they get up easily the next day when they need to, do they seem tired. Regardless of the time at 4 YO its later now they are 9 and 12.

I completely agree with you.

Our 10-year-old appears doesn’t seem to mind sharing his bed with his younger brother, but I understand that it's not fair to him, and I need to make changes as you've suggested.

Screen time in bed is a really bad idea. Blue light suppresses melatonin and overstimulates the brain, making it harder to sleep.

No, bring the younger children’s bedtimes earlier.

This whole thing is ridiculous - you have a 4yo taking over bedtime for everyone and the only child who appears do sleep in their own bed is being forced to share with his little brother because it makes things easier for you

10yo in his own room.
4yo shares with the 2yo and you and DH need to tackle their bedtimes so they both sleep in their own beds.

Does the 4 year old have a bedroom of their own or will it always be a case that two children need to share? I can't quite tell whether you are pushing the sharing element because of the 4 year old not wanting to be in their own room, which to me is unfair on the other children as it shouldn't be on them to parent the other child and you need to be firmer with them.

I totally agree you need to ditch the screens at bedtime. What are they doing on them? When mine were little it was bathtime, possibly cbeebies bedtime story just before 7pm and then into bed for a story we read to them. Then lights out (mine had a night light).
If you want any technology then use a yoto or tonie box, but again restrict it.
What time do these kids get up in the morning? It might be the whole routine needs to shift.

I do feel sorry for the 10 year old, as they do seem to be the only one doing as they are told yet they are being punished with an early bedtime and being responsible for their brother.

It's not a routine is it? It's a mess.

No screentime before bed. 2 & 4 yo share a room - they can go to bed at roughly the same time. Bath, Pjs, book, lights out. You'll just have to ride out the upset.

10yo gets own room, some privacy and a later bed time, reading for half an hour or so seems like a great way to unwind.

You've got to dissuade yourself of being fair = doing the same thing. They can do the same thing at the same age but trying to treat a 10yo like a 4yo isn't the way to do it.

I bathe our 2 and 4-year-old at the same time and dress them in pyjamas, but our 2-year-old doesn’t have a routine, so he isn't tired and ready for bed.

He gets up later and naps throughout the day.