To find parenting so so hard

[Gingerdeer]

Currently on mat leave with a 2 year old and 6 month old. 2yo is in nursery 3 days a week, so I only look after both of them for 2 days a week. DH usually wfh on one of those days too. He is very present and nearly always around after work and on the weekends.

But despite this, I am just finding things unbelievably hard. I am so anxious about the days where I’m on my own with them and often just feel like I’m not going to survive the 2 hour gap between picking my toddler up from nursery and DH returning from work.

Its just constant screaming and crying from both of them, or trying to stop toddler from killing the baby. She hits and dives on her constantly. I’m so stressed and over stimulated. The baby isn’t putting on enough weight and I know it’s probably because everytime I try to breastfeed, my toddler starts screaming for something.
If I try to give attention and play with toddler, then the baby gets upset.
I can’t spend more than an hour in the house with them or I lose my mind, so I feel like I have to constantly think up places to go or activities to do.

And I feel like such a failure for feeling this way when I know there are people out there doing this without nursery!!!! Or when I hear people say they love being on mat leave and spending time with their children?! How do they do it???

Am I just pathetic or do my children sound more difficult than others?? I have no idea?!?

Sorry to hear you feel this way. Could you express a bottle or give formula at times when you have both kids? You need to think about the big picture and don’t try to be perfect. Good luck

No, not at all.

I have a son who was five last month and a daughter who is two and a half. When DD was born DS stayed in nursery for three days a week so like you I only had two days with them both and I hated it. It was awful trying to meet both their needs. I’ll be honest, I still get a bit overwhelmed now but that’s more caused by them bickering / arguing and both trying to talk to me at once: it’s got nothing on the awfulness of those early days.

I don’t know if I have much by way of useful advice because it is really hard, but you do come through it and I actually enjoy some days with them now (I’ll be honest and say I prefer them one to one though!)

That sounds really hard :(

How is your sleep at the moment? I found it much harder to cope with life when the sleep deprivation was worse

Just know that you’re not alone. It feels hard because it is hard. I can relate to that anxiety about managing alone so well. You’re in the hardest stage and I know this probably isn’t helpful now because it feels so long away but when your two year old is three and a half things will be infinitely better. Take it hour by hour and celebrate the small wins.

You aren't pathetic they are really hard ages. A lot of mums look and sound like they have it together, they really aren't I promise. At that age DS practically lived in the carrier. If he was screaming I'd just put him in it and start rocking. Once I thought I was going to have a breakdown from having both kids so I put on some cheesy pop music, got the toddler to dance with me whilst I jiggled DS to sleep finally. You are doing well, keep going and as the cliche says it does get easier.

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and anticipating similar with my 3 year old!
One tip I read was to have a special basket of toys that only come out when baby is breastfeeding - so they are novel and exciting for your toddler & hopefully build a positive association with feeding rather than it being a time where Mummy isn't giving them attention.

These replies have made me feel better already. I think I just need confirmation that it is bloody hard and exhausting! It’s also good to hear from others that it will get easier (to be honest, it’s already easier than when I had a newborn and an 18mo!)

I only have one other mum friend with two and she always seems to act as if everything is wonderful all the time.

It’s a really tough stage. I had an 18 month age gap and found it so hard. My eldest was also in nursery for a couple of days. It’s the exhausting being up at night with the baby and then having long days with them. My eldest would also try to hit her brother all the time, she was so jealous.

I found it easiest to be out in the mornings at a toddler group/ zoo/ park/ soft play etc, home for lunch and naps and then back out again for an hour or so to Ikea/ library/ shops etc. They would just scream their heads off if we tried to stay at home.

other things that helped:

playpen to contain the toddler so I could go to the toilet without them poking the baby’s eyes out

nappy changing supplies both upstairs and downstairs

a jumperoo

sling for the baby

a baby swing that rocked by itself, one upstairs and one downstairs

a double out n about nipper

lowering my standards of housework, getting a cleaner when I went back to work

not stressing about screen time or feeding them perfect diets all the time. On some days I relied on the odd ready meal when I was really tired/ overwhelmed

I got loads of second hand stuff for cheap on facebook marketplace.

If it makes you feel better my two are now 4 and 5 and are best friends who play together all the time and it’s just brilliant. The small age gap is really paying off now

Can you drive? If so, I have the solution.

I have a 3 year gap and this is my preferred emoji 😬

It is tough op. Have you started introducing solids yet? It might be a way to change up the energy in the house, if you can get a snack and the toddler and the baby gets to try make a massive mess

Another thing I love is the magic water/aqua mat paint things, no mess, or very little, and you might get a cheeky sit down.

I have been known to put everyone in the bath at crazy-oclock again so I can sit down on the loo seat and they can splash a bit/eat the bath crayons

I only had one day with toddler and baby together and I dreaded it. 2 yo was very demanding, needed a nap but would only nap in buggy, but baby would only nap in cot 🤯

My advice is to prep as much as you can. I used to prep the 2 yo’s lunch the day before and have it clingfilmed on a plate, tea also prepped ready to warm up. TV was used when I needed to feed the baby or put her down for nap.

Second the double out n about nipper - secondhand, total godsend

Three and one is easier than two and a baby - and 4 and 2 is much easier! Hang in there.

You’re not a bad parent!! They are really tricky ages. I have a similar age gap. Fuck me irs hard. Mine and 3 and 5 now ans it’s getting better. Still hard. But better.

at that age I also had DS in nursery 3 days a week. On the two I had them both I was led by DS1 and DS2 just had to come along for the ride.

I went to toddler group on both the days at the local church. £1 for each kid free juice coffee biscuits and toast. I had a double buggy so walked there. Got us out the house. They fell asleep on the way back usually too for a nap. Then it was activities at home. So day would be roughly 6.30 wake up. CBeebies feed milk breakfast play etc. out the house for playgroup at 10 so leave at 9.30. -11.30. Lunch before we left playgroup. Nap until 1.30/2 depending when they fell asleep. I could transfer to bed which was nice. Baby less so.

2-4 activities games play doh painting etc etc
4-4.30 tv whilst I cooked their tea
4.30 - 5.15 ish tea
5.16-6 ish some more tv chilled stuff like gruffalo
6 DH got where he was in charge then for any time and one child bedtime.

i carried baby in a sling when fussing. High chair/ bouncy chair in kirchen play mat with me in living room

it is far from perfect but it’s how I coped. Just about!

Oh, love. Those are hard ages and a hard ages gap but they are over so quickly too (I know it doesn't feel like it)

Someone once said to me "the days are long, but the years are short" and it's so so true. When you're in the thick of it, it feels relentless but then one day you're suddenly saying "where did the time go?".

You're doing really well, I promise. You wouldn't be worrying about it if you weren't.

If it makes you feel better, I am jealous of your age gap. My one regret is not having them closer together. It feels more intense but my god, it's really hard to entertain two kids simultaneously that are four years apart in age and don't ever play together. So at least you have that.

Please come back here again for support it can be so helpful. We've all felt like this, every one of us, and we all could have, or have, written posts like this.

I'm so glad to see people have been nice so far, if you get an idiot with something tatty to say please please do ignore them. We all know you're doing your best and we are all here to listen.

Finally, try and get yourself along to some toddler groups they saved my sanity in the early years and my kids loved them. Cheap, easy way to entertain them and you get given tea.

I only have one other mum friend with two and she always seems to act as if everything is wonderful all the time.

It's not. Maybe she feels like she can't always say it or maybe she has a lot more help and support than you do. Either way, no mum has it easy all the time. Even the Princess of Bloody Wales has been pictured snapping at her kids.

You might meet new mum friends at toddler groups xx

I only have one DS aged 2 but remember those long hard days when he was a baby and I’d be counting down the minutes til my DH got home. I don’t have any advice on juggling two but just wanted to send my love and promise it will get easier x

Oh OP, don't be so down on yourself - you're finding it hard because it is hard!! Looking after two little ones is tough - do whatever you can to make life easier for yourself. Let 2 yr old DD watch TV, give her snacks while you feed baby, carry baby in a sling if DD jumps on her. Plonk them both in the bath and let them splash around for an hour. Hand baby to DH when he gets home so you can spend time having cuddles and stories with DD. There's probably a bit of jealousy at play here, which is totally normal. Be kind to yourself, it will get better 💐

It feels hard because it is hard. We weren't meant to look after our kids alone. I find the post school 4 hour stint with a 4 year old and a 9 month old hard and that's a bigger age gap.

As your baby is 6 months can you start putting her in a highchair with some finger food? That helped me with DD who will sit happily eating for ages.
Otherwise- car, bath, pram- anything where they are contained!

Omg I could have written this when DDs were 6m and 3.5, same amount of nursery days too. Was so excited for a second but the transition from 1-2 was so much tougher than 0-1, you’re not alone! And the good news is, it gets easier! 6m was a turning point for us and then I would say 9m and when DD2 turned 1 in November things have been brilliant, it’s actually fun now. Hold your nerve, have boundaries with your older one and her behaviour (if you’re anything like me, you may have initially over compensated to not allow her to feel pushed out but you all do need to adjust!). It’s such a rough ride with the different age ranges but as they get older it closes!

Are you in a position to add another half day onto nursery? Are you leaving your husband with them for a few hours/half a day/day on the weekend to get some time to yourself? That was a game changer for me too! Also we used to (and sometimes still do) tag team them on a weekend. Sat morning we take 1 each and go do something nice, mainly something nice with DD1 and something like the supermarket with DD2 due to her age at the time lol, all meet at home for lunch then swap child and go out and have 1:1 with them for the afternoon. It really diluted the feeling of grinding through the ‘non nursery days’. Also can your husband do nursery drop off/collection? It’s nice just getting one child ready and then loafing around with the baby for the day.

But in short - maternity with number 2 is not the same as with DC1!

It's so hard - broken sleep, helpless baby, needy toddler, and both kids pushing for independence too. I am sure I generally looked more "okay" when out and about, but that was a monumental effort every time, and at home there were a lot of tears from all of us.

Cbeebies was the other parent when DH was at work, I swear it helped enormously, as did the routine of bath-book-bed every night without fail - one parent to each kid for storytime, so they both get quality time for themselves.

It does get easier, I promise. Hang on in there

Hi op. I'm well out the woods now my kids are all secondary school age but I can vividly remember the phase you're in and it was utterly hellish at times. I had 3 dcs under 4 at one point, one of which was a newborn and I actually don't know how I survived. But you do. As pps say it's about one hour at a time. Don't even think about the next hour just focus on that one. Most of all go easy on yourself, you are absolutely not alone (I wished back then and still wish that it was ok to be honest about how hard it is) and it does pass. If I told you I now look at families with 3 small dcs and wistfully wish I could be back there, I actually can't believe it when I think this given what a hard time I had with it but I do think it when I see them! One day you'll even find it hard to recall the exact details of what you're feeling right now. Keep on as you are, it sounds like you're doing a fab job 🥰

Babies and toddlers just suit some people more than others. Other people excel at having primary age kids or teens or young adults . Your parenting time will come!

In the meantime, I find routine really helps. It makes everything predictable for everyone and takes the pressure of having to think about what to do. Find one thing to do each afternoon and do that every week on that day. Do the same on your days off.

That does sound really hard.

We had two and though my husband worked away for many years, I found it pretty easy: because they were nearly 9 years apart! Dropped our eldest at school and got to devote all day to the baby. Eldest got home, had tea, baby bathed and bed and cuddled up with the eldest.

I’ve never had anything but awe for people who have little ones so close in age.

Do you have family and friends you can call on for support?

Although it was an effort baby and toddler groups saved my sanity. You are not alone.
mine are less than two years apart which may be a bit easier but I remember DC1 running riot trashing house if I breast fed DC2 and had to sit still

God sorry OP it does sound difficult. Tbh I would be putting my foot down a bit. 2 years is young but it’s not completely unable to set boundaries. At the same time as increasing expectations of 2 yo I would also be loosening expectations on myself/ my parenting quality. This is trenches and you just need to get through it.

Have a plan like;
As soon as home feed 2yo straight away!
Put on kids tv! Honestly it won’t kill them.
Feed baby whilst 2yo is eating

Then free playtime.
Have a baby jail for 6 month old. 2yo not allowed in there.
2yo screams. 2yo goes for a time out to somewhere safe. If no where is safe then 2yo goes in baby jail. Baby comes out. TV goes off and it’s books only time/ audiobook only time.
If 6mo is continually screaming got to get to the bottom of that! Teething? Something else? Ill? Doesn’t like wet nappy? Not enough naps?

You have to try something so think of a plan and then tweak it until it works. Goodluck

I’ve got a 2 year old and a older child with servere problems and it’s so bloody hard no family to help and the 2 year old is such hard work , I’m struggling and considering nursery for a couple of hrs to help potentially