To find parenting so so hard

[Gingerdeer]

Currently on mat leave with a 2 year old and 6 month old. 2yo is in nursery 3 days a week, so I only look after both of them for 2 days a week. DH usually wfh on one of those days too. He is very present and nearly always around after work and on the weekends.

But despite this, I am just finding things unbelievably hard. I am so anxious about the days where I’m on my own with them and often just feel like I’m not going to survive the 2 hour gap between picking my toddler up from nursery and DH returning from work.

Its just constant screaming and crying from both of them, or trying to stop toddler from killing the baby. She hits and dives on her constantly. I’m so stressed and over stimulated. The baby isn’t putting on enough weight and I know it’s probably because everytime I try to breastfeed, my toddler starts screaming for something.
If I try to give attention and play with toddler, then the baby gets upset.
I can’t spend more than an hour in the house with them or I lose my mind, so I feel like I have to constantly think up places to go or activities to do.

And I feel like such a failure for feeling this way when I know there are people out there doing this without nursery!!!! Or when I hear people say they love being on mat leave and spending time with their children?! How do they do it???

Am I just pathetic or do my children sound more difficult than others?? I have no idea?!?

Its hard...
Honestly even now mine are coming up 2 and 3.5 coming up 4 I find it easier to get them out but its FAR easoer now than it was a year ago. You are literally in one of the worst stages.
It gets better!!!

We got an annual membership for a kids place.
If there is anywhere like legoland / london zoo& Whipsnade/ hertz zoo / willows farm near you just do it.
Its money well spent and is worth its weight in gold. You always yes have somewhere to take them.

OMG this was me. Also with these age gaps. It was horrendous. It does get much, much easier. Please stop being hard on yourself. It feels hard because it is hard. Drop your standards or die trying! Deploy TV. Get as much help as you can. Can the toddler do one extra day at nursery temporarily? It will be much easier in the summer when you can be outside more and the weather is warmer and days are longer.

This might not help and I appreciate your baby is very young and breastfed, but when my two were little, now adults, I wish I had given my eldest (three and a half years older than baby) time on a one to one basis with just her as she was so, so jealous of her baby sister and never really ever came that jealousy. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I have a notion that this might have helped her to overcome her feelings of being supplanted. Sorry if this sounds not very helpful. Good luck. Those early years are hard. How was your eldest child before the baby came? Try and give yourself ‘me’ time too. You deserve it. Child rearing is the hardest thing in the world and I know I made plenty of mistakes along the way.

Mate, those days were HELL. I used to fantasise about jumping out the window on a daily basis. You’re exhausted, and they both need your almost constant attention, but they need very different things. Hang on in there, it gets better!! So much better!! Mine are 5 and 2.5 now and they play lovely together most of the time. Well, there are still many moments, but overall there is a lot more calm and I feel a lot less torn, and it’s getting easier with every passing month. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

Oh OP, you're not a failure at all. Being at home with a 2 year old and a baby would drive me round the bend! I didn't have my second until my first was 4 and even then I found going from one DC to two really tough, so hats off to you!

I absolutely adore my children but I practically skipped back to work after both my Mat leaves!
I had friends who went on and on about how much they loved being at home with their babies/toddlers and really resented having to go back to work so I did have moments of thinking "is there something wrong with me?" But now all our kids are older and I realise they're not better Mums than I am, they don't love their children any more than I do, we're just different people and that's fine.

I promise you, it gets so much easier. My youngest is 7 now, I work term time only and I really LOVE the school holidays with my kids, we still go out and about doing fun stuff but we can also chill at home and have a lazy day together without me feeling like the walls are closing in!
Be kind to yourself, you're doing great.

I'm sorry things are so hard at the moment. One thing i will say is, try not to compare yourself to anyone else. Some people have easier children, some people are just very relaxed and able to handle stress better, every parent and every child is different, every situation is different. I completely understand how you feel. I had a 1 year 10 month gap between my two eldest and it was so hard. I had no family support around me and was alone 5 days a week while DH went to work. I would spend the day counting the minutes till he got back. Like you, my eldest would play up every time I tried to breastfeed the baby. I tried expressing milk and attempted a bottle but found it so hard finding the time and trying to get her to take the bottle and it just added to my stress overall. My eldest done all sorts while I was feeding. He once got to a box of cereal and poured the entire packet out on the table, smashed a whole box of eggs on the floor one at a time, got my baking gel colours and spilled them on the floor then put his hands and feet in it and made hand/foot prints EVERYWHERE 😅 I can look back now and laugh at some of the things that happened so rest assured it will get better- at the time i really struggled. The only thing I can suggest which in hindsight I should have done, is just walked around feeding the baby (i used to need to sit and have white noise on to get her to feed) and have a little snack plate ready for the older child, maybe put the tv on while you're feeding, have a wee book or toy with you aswell so you can entertain her while feeding. Alot of it is jealousy so if you're prepared with things for the toddler while you feed, it might help. Also, using a baby carrier so you can walk about easier and do things with the toddler- it might put the baby to sleep and make things abit easier. I'm sure you're doing an amazing job ❤️ you're definitely not alone in how you're feeling. Parenting is hard. Not everyone is able to enjoy mat leave, I certainly didnt. It will get easier even though it doesn't seem like it just now ❤️

You’re finding it hard because it IS hard. It’s not you failing. It often gets better with time. Some days are just about survival.

Wow, I could have written this post myself! I’m so grateful you posted this, and for all the comments, I feel so much less alone! I have a 3yo and a 10 month old and I’m currently on maternity leave and it’s been the hardest year of my life! I love both my kids to pieces but I am so stressed and feel like I cannot cope half the time. I too have a v supportive hands on husband and my eldest goes to nursery two days a week, but on the three days where I have both of them myself it’s so intense and I’m overwhelmed extremely easily. My 10mo is super clingy and hates being put down a lot of the time. Makes times like mealtimes trying to prep us all a quick 10/15 minute lunch a total headache, I feel like a headless chicken, he’s screaming to be picked up, I’m frantically chopping, by the time lunch is made I’m so frazzled I don’t even want to eat anything. I do think I place too high standards on myself as I only ever cook from scratch (even though it’s quick meals) and wonder if I should just buy something easier for lunch. This thread is so validating.

Could you make something for lunch the night before? I know after a full day of it all
you want to do is fall into bed but if you could pre-prepare lunch for the next day that might save you some stress for the next day? It sounds like you’re doing a great job though.

Thank you, yes I should try and do that, I’m all for suggestions to try and reduce the stress on the day!

Sending support and solidarity. You're not doing anything wrong, you aren't mad, your kids don't sound unusually difficult, you most certainly are not 'pathetic'. As someone else said - it feels hard because it is hard. I was you 1.5 years ago - mat leave 2 with the same age gap and 2 solo days a week. My eldest went crackers after the baby - she loved him, but there was a lot of hitting and a lot of everyone crying. Like you, I dreaded those double solo days and would be anxious about it the evening before. 6 months is still very early days. I found that bit the hardest chunk of mothering yet, which makes sense because toddlers are insane and babies are needy. I'm someone who always desperately wanted kids, am good with other peoples kids (!) and am a pretty happy, confident mum now. But my word that period was horrendous - I doubted myself, felt like my relationship with my eldest would never recover and spent a lot of it angry / sad / stressed / despairing / guilty etc. My youngest was formula fed and he was an 'easy' baby who slept pretty well as far as babies go and I still struggled big time, mostly because of my eldest. BUT by the end of mat leave, I ended up looking forward to those double solo days, at some point it shifted and got easier. It definitely helps when the baby is a bit more robust, they start playing together, everyone gets older and mum gets some sleep. It will get easier for you. For now, my only advice would be to do what you can to make life easier for yourself. If you do the same activity every week somewhere you're comfortable stick to it. Hang out with other second time mama's who get it if you can. Keep mealtimes easy, ignore the state of the house etc. Cry when you need to and take any scrap of time to yourself you can get your hands on. Mine are now 4 and coming up to 2 and bar the younger one now being an insane toddler it's so much easier and my eldest, who I literally thought was evil at times on mat leave, is now the sweetest, most delightful kid you've ever met. Hang in there, you're not alone and you're doing great.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. In my opinion most people feel this way, some people lie and some people have loads of help...
You're doing amazing and it'll eventually get easier. I was in the absolute trenches on MAT leave with one never mind two! It's amazing having kids but also emotionally and mentally draining. Sending love xxx

Honestly, you are not alone. I could have written your post myself 18 months ago. I have a 2 year gap between my boys and have found it so challenging. It does get better with time, but it really is exhausting. ( I remember hating when people said this to me and still do when we're having a bad day but it is true)
I remember the guilt of wanting to get back to work and some form of normality. Feeling so resentful of my partner for being able to go to work. It was awful.
Getting out of the house is a good thing. I still try and get us out every day no matter the weather. I swear it helps!
You are not a failure, it's the hardest but most rewarding job in the world💐

This is one reason, out of about a million, as to why I'm one and done. Solidary OP, I genuinely don't understand how people can cope with more than one- and my daughter is bloody easy.

OP honestly to me you and anyone with a relatively small age gap is a hero. I just couldn’t have done 2.

Most men will just never have to suffer this: a period of life where you’re just totally miserable and depressed and stressed in the way only really small kids who need you so intensely can make you. As I say, I have only one for this very reason and the ranks of only children are rising at least in part because many women are no longer prepared to suffer it.

Honestly it’s so so hard. The lowest memories I have in my parenting journey is when I had a 6 month old and a 2.5 year old in the depths of winter. I would feel absolute sheer dread on the 2 days I would have them solo. I would also have to get out the house cos it was even worse in the house. But getting out was no easy task, and that’s an understatement. With the 2.5 year old going mad stripping off their clothes and running away squealing laughing or kicking or, scribbling up the walls, etc so it was like 2 steps forward and one back, and then trying to time things strategically around my baby so that they didn’t SCREAM from being over tired. If they feel asleep in my arms then god help me cos they wouldn’t be put down and the toddler would either wake them up or use it as a great time to just completely trash the house knowing I couldn’t do anything 😳 and I would just accept my fate because otherwise it was an overtired baby who would have me up all night… honestly I feel adrenaline even just thinking back to those days. Just the hardest time. So you are not alone in finding it hard. I think some people are not honest about their struggles and I think others just have really easy kids of loads of help or a massively zen nervous system 😆
I promise it does get better though. It’s just a really hard phase. All you can do it just keep going. One foot in front of another. Control whatever bits you can and let the other things go. Only basic cleaning and tidying on the house. Scrape your hair up. Anything you can make easier, make it easier, whether that’s accepting help, booking classes, meeting friends, making plans, throwing money at the problem if needed, and just surviving until it gets easier! Definitely do not for a second feel bad that you’re not ‘loving it’. You will be making some fond memories along the way without realising just yet, but mostly the more fun bits are to come. Just do whatever you need to do and hang in there ❤️

This is most definitely true

I have got to the stage where I don’t even feel guilty about wishing I only had one child. I might have my life back. As it is, it’s gone forever.

Totally agree but I find the ‘basic cleaning and tidying’ to be almost impossible.

My 2 year old is very destructive - any felt tip gets drawn on the walls, anything that can be broken gets broken if he manages to get to it, it just isn’t worth leaving mugs/clutter/pens/whatever lying around. If the house isn’t tidied to within an inch of its life I can’t see if my eldest has left a black marker lying around, or her magic paint pens, or a breakable item. I feel really stressed letting a toddler loose on a messy chaotic house. Not to mention falling over things etc

Anyone who looks as if bringing up two babies is easy is a good actor - so don't compare yourself to your friend. It's wearing you out - as it does to thousands of mothers. Make life as easy for yourself as you can, feed formula if you are too tired to breast feed, take a rest when the baby does. The toddler may be acting up as she has to go to nursery while the baby is at home with her mother - try and have special in time with her, just the two of you. Accept any and all offers of help from fully and friends.

Really don't feel bad at all! It's ok to not love every part of parenting. I have a 4 year age gap between my oldest two then a 2 year age gap. My oldest was in school when my middle was 6 months old. When my youngest arrived, my middle was only in nursery two days a week and I also really didn't enjoy those days I had both on my own. Everyone says a close age gap means they'll be close, into the same things etc.... well mine didn't get the memo! Three years in and they still don't like spending time together without my oldest around, and they still never want to do the same things.

Now I only have one not at school and I love my time with just her and feel like I really love this phase of parenting, although I do still dread the days I have all three on my own in the school holidays.

Things I found helped get through those days:

• plan your day out in advance - doesnt need to be anything exciting, just gives you something to focus on
• give yourself one nice thing to do. We used to walk down to the bakery for a cookie - still a hit now.
• these can be your screen time days! We really got into working through the disney films together on those days

I hope some of this helps xx

Really don't feel bad at all! It's ok to not love every part of parenting. I have a 4 year age gap between my oldest two then a 2 year age gap. My oldest was in school when my middle was 6 months old. When my youngest arrived, my middle was only in nursery two days a week and I also really didn't enjoy those days I had both on my own. Everyone says a close age gap means they'll be close, into the same things etc.... well mine didn't get the memo! Three years in and they still don't like spending time together without my oldest around, and they still never want to do the same things.

Now I only have one not at school and I love my time with just her and feel like I really love this phase of parenting, although I do still dread the days I have all three on my own in the school holidays.

Things I found helped get through those days:

• plan your day out in advance - doesnt need to be anything exciting, just gives you something to focus on
• give yourself one nice thing to do. We used to walk down to the bakery for a cookie - still a hit now.
• these can be your screen time days! We really got into working through the disney films together on those days

I hope some of this helps xx

So you find it hard but decided to have a second child.

Yeah, OP: have you considered returning the second? Accepted at all major retailers, I understand.

My view is there’s a massive conspiracy of silence about just how incredibly difficult and bone-wrenchingly exhausting it is looking after little kids. Sure, you get the Earth mothers who love it, but I am convinced a sizeable chunk of mothers of two with a small age gap are finding it really really hard but not able to talk about it IRL, as that’s still taboo. Incidentally, the more in control of a woman has become - financially independent with a good career, for instance, the more of a shock the sheer lack of control, chaos and irrationality of small kids is. It’s stifling and hard and simultaneously boring and incredibly stressful.

And there’s always one completely unhelpful comment devoid of empathy in such threads. Just ignore, @Gingerdeer

I am too exhausted to reply properly, but I totally hear you and share your experience. You are not alone. I have a 3 year old and 2 year old (17 month age gap). It's much better now I am back at work but after a weekend I am absolutely exhausted! You aren't alone x

Awwww bless you honestly. You aren't being unreasonable. Parenting is sooooooo HARD!!!!!! BUT you're doing absolutely amazing. I only have one 22 month old and find i even struggle with just one so can't imagine how hard two is!!! Keep going!!!!