To find parenting so so hard

[Gingerdeer]

Currently on mat leave with a 2 year old and 6 month old. 2yo is in nursery 3 days a week, so I only look after both of them for 2 days a week. DH usually wfh on one of those days too. He is very present and nearly always around after work and on the weekends.

But despite this, I am just finding things unbelievably hard. I am so anxious about the days where I’m on my own with them and often just feel like I’m not going to survive the 2 hour gap between picking my toddler up from nursery and DH returning from work.

Its just constant screaming and crying from both of them, or trying to stop toddler from killing the baby. She hits and dives on her constantly. I’m so stressed and over stimulated. The baby isn’t putting on enough weight and I know it’s probably because everytime I try to breastfeed, my toddler starts screaming for something.
If I try to give attention and play with toddler, then the baby gets upset.
I can’t spend more than an hour in the house with them or I lose my mind, so I feel like I have to constantly think up places to go or activities to do.

And I feel like such a failure for feeling this way when I know there are people out there doing this without nursery!!!! Or when I hear people say they love being on mat leave and spending time with their children?! How do they do it???

Am I just pathetic or do my children sound more difficult than others?? I have no idea?!?

It's hard because it really is hard, and IMO you're in the trickiest bit.

I found two under two great at first, but from 2y/6m - 4y/2.5 was when it was really really tough. Two mobile (or one that's soon to be) is really tricky when both are young and v demanding.

They are older now and it's still a juggle, but nothing like the tricky time. They are so close though, and their friendship is beautiful to watch. It's worth it in the end, but for a long time (and still to an extent now), there's not a lot of down time and not much sleep.

I can remember feeling exactly the same, and I do still feel like this sometimes; getting anxious on days when I had to entertain them both. You are honestly doing the hardest part right now. Mine are now 7 and 4 and I look at Mums with two little ones and think ‘how on earth did I cope with that?’. It will get easier as they get older, and they will start to entertain each other. My two will now play together for long stretches. Go easy on yourself, anyone who says this is easy is either getting more help or perhaps their kids are just generally easier (I have two boys and they have both been boisterous and high energy from day dot!)

You are finding it hard, because it IS hard.

It will get easier, you just have to hang on in there.

Just to pick up on your point about “some people do this every day”, I was a full time SAHM at that stage, I reckoned that in a lot of ways it was easier for me than for part timers:

I wasn’t constantly code-switching between work and home.

I wasn’t trying to maintain the same rules as nursery (I could please myself),

I had more time to plan my week and because I was with them everyday didn’t feel as bad if a day’s plans went to pot.

My house was entirely set up for us to be there every day, so generally we had more toys and equipment (definitely get a playpen!) than part timers.

In the end though there is no mythical woman who finds it all really easy. Sometimes it looks that way from the outside but it’s never ever true.

I had an acquaintance tell me that she really resented me during the baby years because I had it all together and she was such a mess. I nearly fell off my chair!

I explained that “had it all together” was often me clinging on by my fingernails and “such a mess” looked to me like a stylish and capable woman. 😆

No one find it easy.
It’s hard for everyone.
It gets better.
It’s worth it in the end.

Sending big unMumsnetty hugs.

This is why I'm not planning on having another baby untill my daughter is at least three. A two year old is hard enough on their own, your not doing anything wrong its just hard. Relax TV rules on your two days with them both. Only way to survive.

This sounds hard af! I'd personally bottle feed the baby and talk to a Dr about getting mental health support as it sounds like you may have postpartum anxiety

Two under two is famously so so very hard. Go easy on yourself.
I have three children myself. Husband always working. In order to get some peace and breastfeed baby number 3 I would have to set the other two up on the sofa with snacks and cartoons on the tv for a bit of quiet time. I wouldn’t bottle feed your baby because then you’ll just have to wash bottles and get up at night to make bottles on top of everything else you have to do. I found breastfeeding the handiest with my three.
I did lots of babywearing- I saw a babywearing consultant for help with this. I also saw a lactation consultant whenever I ran into breastfeeding difficulties with weight gain or anything. Both of the ladies I had did home visits which was fantastic.
join your local la Leche league group for supportive coffee mornings, or local toddler group gets everyone out of the house for a bit.
if everyone is napping-nap yourself or have quiet time in the silence- don’t pressure yourself to get the house looking tidy. Messy chaos is fine. This is just a season ! My third baby is 18 months old now and everything is a bit easier X

I have twins, so not quite the same. I think your age gap is definitely harder to deal with. I just wanted to say that every single parent goes through hard stages - for me it was from around 1 until 3 years. Absolute nightmare as they ran in opposite directions and constantly fought/bit/pinched etc. This too shall pass. They get on great now as teens. We are now navigating a whole new phase of parenting, albeit less labour intensive!

No 2yr old is pleasant after at nursery. They are over stimulated and over
tired. Then on the days off they are still overtired and out of the routine.

How is your 2yr old’s napping and night sleep?

It sounds really tough i also have a 2yo and an 8 month old but my 2yo absolutely adores his baby brother and is really good and gentle with him thankfully , but he is a one man wrecking crew that never shuts up 😅 . I also breast fed and we struggled with weight gain in the end I switched to formula at 6 months old and he's piled the weight on ( i will say it seems to be a thing for my kids they struggle to gain until 6 months no matter how they're fed then boom they pile it on once weaning starts) with my 2yo I used donated breast milk rather than formula maybe that would be an option for you ?

I remember feeling just like you when my kids were small. My advice is to try and get more sleep, and carve out some time for yourself to have a little time out on a regular basis, and slowly recharge, and get dad to take over. You sound exhausted and you need a break.
Think about some of the tips that others have mentioned. Most of all, please don’t be hard on yourself. Being a mum is bloody hard work! There are plenty of us just like you and we can only do our best. You’ve got this.

You are certainly not being pathetic and are not a failure by any means. The struggle you describe is very real. I have two 2yo (twins) and a 2 month baby and I feel like you have just described my life and my feelings. I often question myself in the same way that you are and wonder how I will survive the time when my partner is working and I'm alone with all three of them, it's incredibly hard work and we're also sleep deprived most of the time. Know that you're doing a fantastic job, even when it feels like you aren't, we are SUPER MUMS!!

It’s so incredibly hard to juggle children at those ages. Second the suggestion that you need to make sure you’re getting downtime and sleep. Everything is easier to manage when you’re not out on your feet exhausted. Find ways to take care of yourself and give you yourself a break. Massive hugs. It does get better as they get older.

I could have written this myself! Currently have a 2.5yo and a 3 month old. My husband works shifts so I have solo wake ups for 2 mornings, followed by 4 solo bed times. My toddler is also very heavy handed with the baby, I can't trust her alone with the baby at all. She means well but I do think there's some jealousy creeping in.

Toddler goes to nursery 3 times a week which I know she loves, meaning I feel less guilty about her going so much, but then we have the knock on effect of being over stimulated when she gets home, out of sync with her naps, over tired etc etc....

I'm also breastfeeding, and that's exactly when my toddler thinks it's a great idea to use me as a climbing frame, or that she has to come and "play" with the baby. I'm considering starting a bottle of formula in the middle of the day and see how we get on. I didn't use any formula with my first so I'm not sure how we'll get on, but it might take the edge off and it'll mean when my husband is here he can feed the baby and I can give my toddler some 1 on 1 time...

She is a whirlwind 24/7, with little independent play yet.
I try to get out of the house as much as I can with them, which in itself can be daunting trying to juggle them both! And I call on my Mum to help quite often, but I can't help feel like a failure when I ask for help...

Oh and I forgot to mention I also have two dogs in the mix of this as well!

I'm not sure where I'm going with this reply, except what I've taken from reading all the replies is that we are not alone in how we are feeling. Times are tough right now but it will get easier x

Ahhh, it can be so tough! You’re not alone!

I have 22 month gaps between my three - 4.5, 2.5 and 9m. Usually quite like having them all around but this week of snow has been hideous at points. I’m very much an outdoors parent, and we have struggled being stuck inside most of the day.

Do you have a sling? Baby 2 and 3 have been pretty much permanent residents. Couldn’t have managed without it.

I think things will begin to get better in some ways. My 2.5yo is so much “easier” now than when baby was born. I can happily leave her to play on her own or with the eldest for brief periods. Also - nicer weather makes everything easier with little ones.

I could have written this OP, exactly the same here - my eldest just turned 3 and my youngest is 5 months so we’re currently in sleep regression and teething 🫠 it’s brutal.

On one of the days I have them both I found a playgroup where there are adult volunteers who attend so there’s always someone who will hold the baby or who will do the crafts with the eldest, which makes it actually fun and good for everyone. It’s run by a local church.

The baby is so so grotty if he doesn’t get enough sleep so I have to try and prioritise that - I’ll take them for a drive if needed, or a pram walk to the park, or I put my eldest’s tonie box on the tv on while I feed the baby and get him to sleep. Getting him to nap not on me is impossible some days though.

It’s really tough but it is getting a bit easier every week as he gets older and is able to do a bit more. You aren’t alone, just give yourself some grace and don’t worry about things like screen time or too many snacks right now - it’s a short season in the run of things.

I have a 25 month gap. Tbh it nearly finished me off. They're 2 & 4 now and it's so much better. We weren't sure if it was just being a toddler, but DS1 is definitely autistic though on a waiting list for diagnosis. All I can say is hang on because it does get easier. We still have some hard times but not like it used to be. It's beautiful watching them play together now ❤️

Yes this is SUCH a difficult time. I had this age gap. Years later I have 4 kids. But i never forget how hard this time was with the first 2...nearly killed me. Its so tricky as you haven't had a toddler before and you are pulled both ways and want to enjoy the baby. They are all great mates now the close age gap does work in your favour later. Just go easy on yourself.

Yanbu. Those ages are so BRUTAL. I can’t tell you how much I loathed it, it was a dark period that I just wished by. People say oh you’ll miss it when they’re older but I look back and honestly don’t miss it for one second. I’ve had various issues with mine, colic, reflux, poor feeding, sleeping, allergies, intensely clingy.
it was just horrid. I waited 6 years to have my second only to have the same experience and just hated it second time around.
they are now almost 4 and 10 and I’m enjoying life again. It’s so hard so don’t feel pathetic.
a friend has 4 kids!! And loves being with her kids - all of them were great sleepers, ate well, no issues whatsoever.
Anyway both ours went to nursery from 18m and it was the best thing for them and us. I would increase a day if you can.

Yes it's hard and I look back in awe of my Mum who managed 3 under 5 year olds while Dad was working away! With DC of my own and DH who's mostly here I questioned my own ability and mentality.

I've put it down down to pure robust upbringing of my parents/Mum, no screens, out in fresh air everyday in a pram (baby in pram, us walking), get up and go to bed early, rules. We just did as were expected to do, no violence/shouting/aggression. All home made meals and rare treats.

Having hoped to do the same for own DC, different world! Everywhere you go is advertising for how to entertain DC, hyped media, technology, social media to compare the latest themed birthday party.

Life has become over full of how to over stimulate DC so even being a good parent and not relying on tech to fulfill this role, they will have peers who boast about how much time they can play a game and stay up late til. So unfair we stipulate boundaries 😒 xxx

Oh also OP, something I discovered this week - putting them in the bath together for like a solid half hour keeps everyone happy and means I get a break from them both being overtired and grouchy at like 4pm. Youngest has a bath seat and enjoys sitting up and eldest loves the bath anyway so they just splash about happily. Maybe give that a go?

Hi, I’m sorry it’s so tough. I have 21 months between my girls and I really struggled during mat leave on the days I had both of them. Older one always hurting younger one and both seemed to scream, shout and cry all day. I was broken, but like others have said it does get easier (they still argue and occasionally fight) but much easier now and 1:1 time with them occasionally really helps if you can get that at weekends. Hoping things get easier for you soon… you are doing great

I have the exact same ages and days at nursery etc. it is really hard! I feel the exact same. I was relieved to read your post as I haven’t found anyone else with the close gap and those problems. Breastfeeding with lots of interruptions is so difficult

Just also here to say that what you're feeling is completely understandable!
I have a 20 month gap (they're now 1.5 and 3) and I've literally gone back in time reading your posts 🙈 I remember feeling as though I'd never get to have a chill afternoon at home again, or cope with them both for a full day without wanting to tear my hair out.

I think around the year mark when baby's schedule was really solid, and I could feed them both the same meals at the same time was a game-changer personally! Also the baby could actually play and entertain herself. They've started to play chasing games together in the last couple of months which is so cute and gives me a break! My eldest has never been good at playing alone so I totally empathise on that one.

Now we're into the realm of them fighting with each other (and my 1.5yo can more than hold her own 🙈) so it's chaotic and loud at times but it's SO MUCH EASIER than that early relentless juggle!!!!

You are probably doing an amazing job and parenting is bloody hard. Reading your post made me wince tbh! I have a 5 month old who's sleep has recently gone terrible and I'm barely coping so I can't imagine having a toddler too. Be kind to yourself and it won't last too long like any phase

I have a 3 year old and 7m old and breastfeeding so can relate. Not sure about the comments to bottle feed, how would that help as you'd have to spend more time prepping bottles etc? Instead you need something to keep toddler occupied so you can focus on the breastfeeding. Don't be afraid of screen time, if she isn't interested can you find a special movie or dance video or something which will be almost a treat for her? Or even something active- Cosmic Kids Yoga or Joe Wicks kids on YouTube? I also try to make sure mine has a drink and snack ready so I don't have to get up once I start feeding. Can you get her a snack which will take her ages to eat to keep her occupied longer?! Good luck it's so tricky!