To find parenting so so hard

[Gingerdeer]

Currently on mat leave with a 2 year old and 6 month old. 2yo is in nursery 3 days a week, so I only look after both of them for 2 days a week. DH usually wfh on one of those days too. He is very present and nearly always around after work and on the weekends.

But despite this, I am just finding things unbelievably hard. I am so anxious about the days where I’m on my own with them and often just feel like I’m not going to survive the 2 hour gap between picking my toddler up from nursery and DH returning from work.

Its just constant screaming and crying from both of them, or trying to stop toddler from killing the baby. She hits and dives on her constantly. I’m so stressed and over stimulated. The baby isn’t putting on enough weight and I know it’s probably because everytime I try to breastfeed, my toddler starts screaming for something.
If I try to give attention and play with toddler, then the baby gets upset.
I can’t spend more than an hour in the house with them or I lose my mind, so I feel like I have to constantly think up places to go or activities to do.

And I feel like such a failure for feeling this way when I know there are people out there doing this without nursery!!!! Or when I hear people say they love being on mat leave and spending time with their children?! How do they do it???

Am I just pathetic or do my children sound more difficult than others?? I have no idea?!?

Honestly it’s the age gap of 2 years. It does get easier though when they turn 3 though. You’ll find ways to manage. You’ll slow things down. You’ll plan. Parenting is hard but I honestly could have a go at my friends who said it such a nice age gap. It was hell! It’s getting easier now the 2 year old is nearly 5 and baby is 2 going on 3. Allow yourself to rest.

Do it! It will be worth it!

Op you are in the trenches atm. It’s really really tough. You only have one pair of hands! You are not a failure!

The toddler is always a nightmare after nursery bc they are tired and over stimulated.

Can you afford a mother’s help for two hours from 4-6? An active grandmother type?

If not, I don’t know if this will help you or not but having a predictable very calm routine helps, even if it’s just to keep you sane! Just doggedly stick to toddler feed, toddler story, CBeebies story while feeding baby or something like that,

And give the toddler what we called their own “golden moment” with you even if it’s just 10 to 15 minutes of completely undivided attention, if possible, during that stressful window. Then a predictable calm CBeebies show while you feed the baby.

A playpen for toddler with comfy cushions and a blanket for when toddler is diving on the baby. They go in it every time they do that and you are saying no. And also for when you are cooking, need to
answer door, or need to fetch something very briefly upstairs.

This too shall pass!

You’re not a failure, far from it. You’re going through a rough patch and struggling. We all go through rough patches as parents. Can you talk to your DH about it all? It will pass.

It is brutal.

I spent quite some time where you are.

Things that helped: make the toddler your ally - you two are a team. Ironic smiles over the baby - they only sleep, eat, poo, smile and cry. When baby does any one of those, knowing glances and wry smiles between you.

Anticipate, anticipate, anticipate - food ready before they are hungry, bed before they are tired and so on.

Distract, distract, distract - goodness! Was that a fairy running under the couch? Sure???I think I saw one... go check!

Good, old fashioned musicals with children - Mary Poppins, Cinderella, and so on. Also - Silly Symphonies on You Tube (1950s cartoons)

Get a few bags and scoop out toys. Place them around the house. When things get tough or you need time - go bag hunting with toddler.

Flour and water - "make a cake." They love that for some reason.

If baby cries a lot stand near a tap and run the water. It calmed mine down.
Does anyone else have this?

Finally - think about Time differently - I always reckoned that 10 minutes or so in toddler/baby land would translate to an hour or so for adults.

Most of all - be kind to yourself. It is not you, it is the situation. It is very difficult.

Good luck

I have 2 adults and a 14 year old now but those early few years I found absolutely exhausting. It does get better I promise!

I think sometimes kids are tougher at different ages. I sailed through the teen years with my kids while others found those years really hard.

I would say is one of the scenarios where the benefit of (limited, controlled) screen time outweighs the costs.

Mine are now 5 and 3 and I do genuinely love spending time with them, they play together and are cute and funny and lovely to be around. But looking back, most of the first year with two was pretty horrendous for the reasons you're describing! My second basically lived in the carrier and we spent as much time out and about as possible because being at home was just too intense. So just to say, it does get better! I found things improved massively once the younger one could crawl because he cried less (he cried a lot out of frustration before that I think) and from when he could walk they started playing together.

You are not being unreasonable at all OP. Parenting is hard, fact! And the ages yours are make it even tricker. Although every age bracket has its challenges its often easier to reason with them the older they get (speaking as a mum to a teen and pre teen) so completely get how exhausting it must be having the ages you do.

As for your mum friend, I guarantee it’s not as rosy as she makes out, she just hides it well. Can you get to any toddler groups with them both? They were a godsend when mine were smaller. I found it to be a great place to interact with other mums and kids there as they are all in the same boat as you. Plus they will have new/different toys for the kids too. Often run by church type places too I found those who run them to be so kind too. Honestly I only survived with a fellow mum friend who I was able to be totally honest with (the good bad and very ugly!) and it was a total lifesaver.

Sounds like you have a great OH too. Can you speak to him about how you’re feeling? Possibly arrange some time out for you each week, even if it’s only an hour out of the house for a walk or something alone - anything just to reset/have some peace and quiet.

And yes good old CBeebies etc is a lifesaver in these situations too!

Same! DD2 was a screaming nightmare for the first year - she just wanted to do things herself. It improved once she could sit, and then again with crawling and walking. She's nine now and absolutely delightful.

Absolutely agree, our local church-run toddler groups were wonderfully helpful and friendly. It didn't matter that we are not at all religious. There were some volunteers who were there to chat to people who were alone, so it was always sociable even if you didn't go with a friend.

Those ages are hell when it’s just one child. This is why I only have one 🫠😂 Honestly I think particularly around the feeding, you need to be more strict with toddler. I get the impression they are dominating the show; not ok. Any really bad behaviour won’t be tolerated without a timeout for example. They are capable of understanding you require 10 mins of sitting nicely or them playing by themselves being calm. (I’m assuming they’re making it impossible for you to feed based on your post)

Yes completely agree. Not religious at all this end but run by the most lovely and kind, normally a bit older, people 🥰

Thank you so much for all the suggestions, advice and sympathy. It really has helped me feel more positive about my situation.

I’m not sure if this is typical for a 2 year old but DD1 just never stops. She can play independently for a couple of minutes and then gets frustrated by something and starts having a meltdown. It’s not that she sees me feeding and gets jealous, she just genuinely can’t entertain herself.
TV has been suggested to me a lot (even by the Health Visitor) but she just has no interest in watching it. I genuinely want my child to have MORE screen time!

Luckily they are both pretty angelic out of the house - so going to classes, activities etc is definitely the answer.

I just wish I could enjoy an hour at home
with them but maybe my expectations are unrealistic. It sounds as though most others have found that hell-ish too!

I felt exactly the same OP. Try and be really organised with meeting friends/any helpful relatives and staying out of house as long as possible. Soft play and swimming to tire them out. Or just running around outside. It’s relentless…and you feel like you’re going mad. It does get gradually better, and then tapers off in their teens. I have no unique advice but just know you are NOT unusual in feeling like this. Women perpetuate this myth of fulfilling motherhood but in reality it utterly drains women and it suits society for us to keep quiet. 🤐

I used to pop to the library in the "danger hour" that point in the day when there are no groups, you're well and truly done trying to do sensory play, and DP is still an hour away.

My DC1 is a tiny tornado too, and very intense in needing me, always has been. The library is my life saver, they get to press buttons on the check out machine, choosing a new story feels like they've got a treat and the librarians sometimes have colouring out and stickers. Occasionally there's another harassed looking toddler-baby mum to sometimes chat to or my littles can interact/crash into/squabble over that's not my unicorn (even through there's a 1000 other books?!)

Your not alone, it's amazing and completely shit all at the same time, usually on the same day 🫠

It gets way better once the baby can play independently and is a more similar routine to the toddler - I am now at 13 months with a 2 year old and it is much much easier. Hold on in there.

I hated days with my two and would take them for a drive so I didn’t have to be at home with them. It does get easier. Mat leave with two is just not the same. Just get out of the house, it’s much easier. And also join peanut. I did and that helped.

@Gingerdeer I've come here to say you are not alone, whether other mums admit it or not. I could have written your post word for word, except my eldest was in nursery full time, even whilst I was on mat leave. I dreaded having both children together on my own and, to be honest, that last hour even with just the baby, I was counting down to my husband getting home so I could take a break. And that was one baby, not the baby plus toddler.

Please remember, parenting is effing hard. I don't care what people post on social media or how other mums look when you pass them in a street. We only see one tiny moment, just a few seconds. Noone finds it easy.

This isn't me telling you "everyone finds it hard so suck it up", it's me telling you "everyone finds it hard so reach out and find your tribe". You know, the honest ones. The ones who get it. The ones who, no matter what you say, will give a hug and send solidarity. I promise you, you are not a failure xxx

There are 19 months between dd1 and dd2 and I can't remember anything of dd2's first year! Exdh was out of the house until very late and was as much use as a chocolate kettle when he was home. Dd1 did not go to nursery and stopped having naps once dd2 was born so it was me alone with them all day - and we lived abroad (I didn't speak the language well). I did get a playpen which helped keep baby safe from dd1. 30 years later they are the best of friends, married with dc - though they have both opted for bigger age gaps!

Honestly it's a shit show at that age. I remember walking in the rain like a zombie one day with 2 year old DD and 6 month DS who were both crying. I think I was crying as well and I genuinely felt desperate.. I also felt like I couldn't complain as DD was with a childminder 3 days a week and DS was actually a very placid baby most of the time but I still found it really, really hard.

Agree regarding the church based play sessions, they tend to be calm and well run so you'll get a chance to put the DC down and enjoy a hot drink. I'm not religious at all but I found one near me and it was a literal god send!

You do get through it. Somehow. I'm not going to say that one day you'll look back on this time with fondness because truthfully, I don't know if you will.
My DC are 10 and 12 now and I look back at certain aspects of their toddler years with such happy memories but honestly, when I spend time with my friends who have very small children I do breathe a sigh of relief that mine are older!

I had pretty much the exact same situation as you. 2 Yr old at nursery 3 days a week and baby at home. Hands on dad in evenings and weekends. It's incredibly hard! But it get so much easier! 4 and 2 now and life it's sooo much better!!

Something someone reminded me is that while all parents are in the same ocean, we aren’t all in the same boat. We aren’t even all sailing in the same sea conditions.

some have babies that are super chill little potatoes that lay there and kick while you deal with the needs of the bigger one. Perhaps both their kids sleep through the night. Perhaps they are surrounded by family that take the kids for the afternoon and drop round dinners and pick up food shops.

and then there are the parents who’s kids are more highly strung, who must be touching a part of mum’s body at all times or they will wail. Who won’t eat anything they are given, have never slept through the night and no family support to be found.

your experience of motherhood is valid. You don’t have to love it or enjoy it. Doesn’t make you love your kids any less. Just know that those that make it look easy/pleasant/enjoyable may be crying privately while projecting this facade. Or perhaps they do love it and they are thriving in this season. They might flail in the next one.

two kids that close is unbearably hard for most at first and the. One day you will wake up and it will feel easier. And you will feel like you’re in your private yacht on a glass ocean, while someone else feels they are balancing on a dinghy in a choppy sea. Neither one better than the other, just different seasons.

SunSparkle I feel like that needs to be pinned to the top of Mumsnet!!

You poor thing. I have been where you are so many times in my parenting life (I have three kids and had these feelings and various stages.) I’ve done all kinds of challenging jobs etc but to me nothing in my life has come even close to how hard it can be looking after small children. And as a PP said- maybe the other woman is finding her own particular kids easier at this stage but that really doesn’t mean anything. All kids/ babies are different and so are all combinations of kids and babies so maybe she has easier kids or her eldest is having an easier time with the transition or whatever.

one thing that was recommended to us by a therapist that made a big difference with both transitions was daily “special time” with toddler at the beginning of the day. Set a timer for 10 mins, give the baby to DP then focus 100% undistracted attention on your toddler doing / playing whatever they want until the timer goes off. Give it a name and make it a regular ritual. With mine it really improved their behavior in general to start the day that way

I knew I didn’t want to so this so stopped at 1. I understand it does get easier, tho.

YADNBU.