I’m fed up of DHs monthly meal with friends that I’m never invited to

[Ellensie]

My DH and I are fairly young to be married in our circle, we are 27 and 28, we have a 19 month old DS and are generally quite happy.

3 years ago we moved back to the UK from his home country, various things played into this but ultimately in his home country the job market isn’t great and roles for young professionals are limited and taken up by the older population, this makes career growth difficult, even if the cost of living itself is slightly better. It was a difficult choice and not one DH was fully on board with but has now admitted was the right call.

He quickly made friends from his home country, mainly has his younger sisters childhood best friend is living here too. He is friendly with his work colleagues and does go for drinks with them but he’s made little effort to fully integrate and make friends outside of the diaspora from his country. I won’t generalise but it seems most of his friends are similar.

They have a routine of once a month meeting up and having a meal, there are 2 couples, then one other girl who is in a relationship but with a Brit. I seldom get invited, other than If it’s our turn to host (about once every 4 months we host, or it’s a big event like their Christmas meal). His reasoning is that although I speak the language, I don’t always understand the inside jokes or have the shared experience of growing up in the country. I appreciate this.

However I know that the girl whose boyfriend is British invites him basically every other month, he hardly speaks the language (I’ve met him). It makes me feel as though DH just doesn’t actually want me to be there. I’ve spoke to him about this and his reasoning was basically 1. I don’t get the cultural stuff and 2. he thinks I don’t like his friends and can sense that I don’t?? I asked him to explain point 2 and he effectively said as 4/6 of them immigrated whilst we were still in the EU and work in hospitality or beauty/personal care industry he feels like I look down on them. Most of my friends work in corporate roles but I certainly don’t look down on anyone who works in any other industry.

The issue I have is these friends clearly matter to him and I feel I barely know him and I’m often the only partner left out. He goes straight from work and is out until the early hours and inevitably when we do host I feel like a spare part just looking after everyone.

AIBU to be annoyed by this routine?

There's one other British partner who is invited "basically half the time" so he's invited 5-6 times per year to the 3 times that OP is. Everyone else is from the home country, and that's what this group is focused around.

Why should OP's DH's right to have a social group independent of his wife depend on how often this one other group member chooses to invite her partner along? Maybe he can tell the other woman "can you stop inviting your partner so my wife doesn't complain about not being invited as often [to this group that she doesn't actually enjoy socializing with and comes across as disliking]?"

That's how I see it too.
If this were my DH hosting dinners with friends, he'd always make sure I felt included and it would be weird/unfriendly if no one made an effort to talk to me.
Also not ok for him to hurl untrue accusations that you "look down on them". If he just rather go by himself he should be honest about it. And since your DH has chosen to do hosting and in this way inadvertently include you, he really should do his best to help you get familiar with his friends, even if on just a superficial level. The way they are treating you is like you arent there. It's awful.

YABVU.

Why not organise your own monthly drinks and so you have something of your own to look forward to rather than watching his from the distance.

This

To
Comment total over reaction. Very suspicious mind you have. Nothing wrong to socialize separately. Noone wants to be joined at the hip. Not healthy.

Maybe go to at least one outing, not all. Give people time to get comfortable with each other.

Goodness me, it's perfectly reasonable for him to see his friends on his own without you tagging along. Let him have some space! It's healthy to have separate friends and interests in a relationship.

I don't drag my partner along when I meet my friends, it would just be weird and totally change the dynamic. I wouldn't want him there. He is included in family things though. Same as I join in his family things but I have no interest in meeting his friends or going out with them to the pub. I have nothing in common with them and they aren't my friends. I would sooner spend my free time with my own friends and/or doing things I enjoy.

Think I'd let this go, but I would go out at least once a month with the 'girls.'

Of course it's OK for couples to have separate friends. But in this case the others are meeting as couples and you're excluded. It's v reasonable to be upset about that. Im assuming it's not true that you dont like them. So can you make an effort to become friendly with the wives? Do they have children you could meet up with? Can you explore shared interests? I think you have to get on the front foot here and change the dynamics yourself.

Can't you go out occasionally with YOUR friends? Or maybe if their first language is not English, you could learn it?

This is once a month, you’re coming across as controlling.

YANBU. I would tell him to host himself, no way would I skivvy for these people who are being rude, by the way. They shouldn't be letting you wait on them and excluding you. I don't understand this place sometimes. Some threads attack men for breathing and make out that EVERYTHING is a man's fault, even an abusive wife situation gets met with 'he wasnt sharing the mental load'. Then, when you get a man who is actually being a bit of a dick, everyone falls over themselves to make excuses for him! MIMS.

Alright, Miss 🙄

I have 2 friends (mixed sexes) and we meet up every two months for dinner.
DH is never invited...he doesn't know them and would not be able to contribute to the shared conversation and would add a different dynamic to the evening.
We have done this for 5 years and he has never complained once.
Let him enjoy his evenings.

So he was previously OK for you to literally live in his country but now he won't let you talk to his compatriots because you might not get some of the jokes?

And he thinks he knows your opinion of these people better than you do?

He is unreasonable.

Out of the friends, it's only the boyfriend of one of the women, who is British, the rest are from his home country. On the surface, meeting up with these people, once a month isn't much of an issue. Couples can go out separately with their friends, in fact it's healthy to do so.

I think the problem is, you'd like to be invited, but your husband is making excuses why you're not invited. I say they are excuses, because that's exactly what they are! So the question to ask is, why doesn't he want you to go?!

You've lived in his home country, so we have to assume his culture isn't completely alien to you. He thinks you 'look down' on his friends because they aren't working corporate jobs, like you are. You are adamant that you don't, but he clearly doesn't believe you, or it suits him to not believe you.

If he doesn't want to invite you, because he wants time with friends away from you, then he needs to be honest, rather than make excuses. Do you spend time away from each other, at any other time (other than work)? Do you go out with your friends on your own? Or are you with each other all the time, other than going to work? Could he be feeling a little suffocated?

And I’d be furious if my husband woke me every morning by playing the bagpipes but that hasn’t happened any more than the op being expected to do all the work and play hostess. You’ve just made that up.

Honestly can't see what's wrong with him going out with his friends once a month without you, regardless of whether others bring their partners or not. Sometimes, having your partner with you at an event like this changes the vibe. It's ok for him simply to want to go without you to this - don't be suffocating.

I would hardly call topping up a drink and clearing the table skivvying . Her husband does all the cooking . It’s once every 4 months . She goes to their place alternately also where they cook and clean up for her husband and HER .

Compromise, Op.
Join him at the dinners every second one.
You can only become better at the language and like his friends more if you get to spend time with them.

It is fair that you go more often,especially when you sometimes host.

In the long term it will be nicer for all if you had a warm relationship with your DH friends.

Remember that in some cultures there's hierarchy in jobs and separation by extension, socially. It may not be you. It may be them - you'll know and understand the culture from 'the motherland' which, for many immigrants, is what they carry over and live to/with even subconsciously.

Exactly. She is seeing a problem that doesn't exist.

I think if OP would like to meet his friends, she would be better to do this separately and perhaps in smaller groups for shorter times. Meet one of the women for a coffee, for example. Then she might get to the point where she fits in more easily with the bigger monthly group meet. or she might decide she doesn't really want to spend any more time with his friends and leave him to it.

Why do you need inviting in to the conversations when hosting at yours? Surely you can start up a conversation with any of the friends without your husbands input? Also if you're hosting it is normal to be the one topping up drinks etc. Do you have many friends of your own? if your do arrange to meet once a month with them so you have your own social life & if you don't maybe think about taking up a hobby or join a group to help meet new people.