I’m fed up of DHs monthly meal with friends that I’m never invited to

[Ellensie]

My DH and I are fairly young to be married in our circle, we are 27 and 28, we have a 19 month old DS and are generally quite happy.

3 years ago we moved back to the UK from his home country, various things played into this but ultimately in his home country the job market isn’t great and roles for young professionals are limited and taken up by the older population, this makes career growth difficult, even if the cost of living itself is slightly better. It was a difficult choice and not one DH was fully on board with but has now admitted was the right call.

He quickly made friends from his home country, mainly has his younger sisters childhood best friend is living here too. He is friendly with his work colleagues and does go for drinks with them but he’s made little effort to fully integrate and make friends outside of the diaspora from his country. I won’t generalise but it seems most of his friends are similar.

They have a routine of once a month meeting up and having a meal, there are 2 couples, then one other girl who is in a relationship but with a Brit. I seldom get invited, other than If it’s our turn to host (about once every 4 months we host, or it’s a big event like their Christmas meal). His reasoning is that although I speak the language, I don’t always understand the inside jokes or have the shared experience of growing up in the country. I appreciate this.

However I know that the girl whose boyfriend is British invites him basically every other month, he hardly speaks the language (I’ve met him). It makes me feel as though DH just doesn’t actually want me to be there. I’ve spoke to him about this and his reasoning was basically 1. I don’t get the cultural stuff and 2. he thinks I don’t like his friends and can sense that I don’t?? I asked him to explain point 2 and he effectively said as 4/6 of them immigrated whilst we were still in the EU and work in hospitality or beauty/personal care industry he feels like I look down on them. Most of my friends work in corporate roles but I certainly don’t look down on anyone who works in any other industry.

The issue I have is these friends clearly matter to him and I feel I barely know him and I’m often the only partner left out. He goes straight from work and is out until the early hours and inevitably when we do host I feel like a spare part just looking after everyone.

AIBU to be annoyed by this routine?

You should both have separate circles of friends and shared friends. Who do you have as friend groups. Start doing a once a month night out with them.

I do kind of get it. It’s a different dynamic/experience with a partner there, not necessarily better or worse, but I do value time with my friends away from DH, not because there’s anything wrong with DH or I don’t enjoy spending time with him, but because it would change the dynamic with my friends, we would talk about different things, etc. But then again he wouldn’t want to come along to my social things either.

I think the fact other partners are there sort of muddies the water a bit, but I still wouldn’t take it personally, assuming this is the only thing that’s making you feel this way.

It’s once a month. I’d be annoyed at my DH if he was trying to work his way in to a meet up with my friends.

I'd be annoyed if we're hosting but I'm not involved in anything

In a UK context it seems like a lot of socialising is either fully mixed, gendered or interest related. I can understand why a group where some women / couples turned up but not others could look a bit odd, but in the context of a diaspora I kind of get it, esp as it's only once a month. I suspect if asked what they really felt, they'd prefer the woman didn't invite her boyfriend who doesn't speak the language, but are probably too polite to insist.

With that said, they absolutely should make an effort to include you when you're hosting of course.

The fact he goes out with people from his home country once a month is not unreasonable, nor is wanting to be around them by himself. But his reasoning about not inviting you is bullshit and I would be concerned about this.

He emigrated for you. Let him have this one.

I wouldn’t be chief bottle washer on hosting nights though!

And make a real effort to improve your language as much as you can.

This!

I'll be honest, if my DH tried to either push in on or stop a once a month dinner with separate friends I would have a serious issue. Your DH shouldn't have ever needed to give you a reason beyond wanting that solo time with his friends (and he should be able to trust you to accept him just wanting time out independently with good grace). If one of the other people chooses to invite her partner that is her business and it doesn't mean your DH then loses his right to one night out a month socializing separately from you.

You certainly don't need to do the work when it's his turn to host. It actually doesn't sound like he expects you to be doing work for this anyways - you've noted he cooks and you just clear dishes and such because you're feeling uncomfortable at the table. Make plans to be out for some or all of it if you want, or attend and join in as best you can without making it about you. But stop begrudging him what is already a very limited independent social life.

If you want more social time as a couple then let him know that and look into ways you can do that without trying to turn this particular group into your couple friends.

I can kind of see his POV. It's only once a month and it's a chance for him to be fully immersed in his own culture for a bit. He might not be able to relax and enjoy it if he feels he has to make sure you're understanding the chat / having fun etc.

It's not like he's hiding you from them, you see them sometimes. It's healthy to have your own friends and social life in a relationship. I don't think he's doing anything wrong.

Who would watch your child if you went?

I seldom get invited, other than If it’s our turn to host

This is clearly not OK. You're clearing up after them but not being invited otherwise?

I think you’re a bit unreasonable. You won’t know this, as the UK is home, but migration is a huge thing. He may just want to hang out with people from the same background as him - the easy familiarity and shared experience of being raised in his country and language. Don’t underestimate this, and try to be understanding.

Do you enjoy the evenings they meet at your house? If not, what are you hoping to get from going to more?

Should OP's DH tell her to leave her home when it's his turn to host?

He cooks for everyone and it sounds like OP chooses to clean up because she's uncomfortable sitting at the table not because anyone expects her to. I think it's entirely fair for OP to sit and not take up any of the work or even to make her own plans for the evening (it's a total of 3 nights per year to figure out), but it doesn't really sound like the DH is doing anything unreasonable here.

It’s once a month, it’s not a big deal. It’s healthy for him to have friends and maintain relationships without his partner. Have you got friends you can hang out with at other times? My partner has a group of old school friends and it’s a mix of men and women, single and couples etc, and they meet up every couple of months. I’m not invited and that’s fine, their trips down memory lane and school chat probably wouldn’t excite me anyway!

I think it’s mean if all the other couples are together but you are excluded.
it’s fine to have separate friends and to go out with those separate friends but this doesn’t seem to be that.
is it that he is making the judgement that you’re looking down on his friends? You’ve said you’re not so is it that he feels ashamed of them.
ir is that just an excuse and he doesn’t go out with friends so this couples thing is all he has?

You won’t know this, as the UK is home, but migration is a huge thing.

Nuclear levels of patronising. Did you miss this? 3 years ago we moved back to the UK from his home country

He has presented himself to these people as a persona he is not and he doesn’t want you ruining the image?
perhaps he wants to be the traditional man of the family… in control, leaving you at home with the kids, pretending to the other diners that he is more senior than he is at work or earns a lot more than he does.

my husband is from another country who share a langauge and culture with a neighbouring country. I speak rhe language well so I do get jokes etc. I attend these events whenever I want to and I am always invited. Sometimes I have other commitments etc, sometimes I am too tired.

some of the men in the group from the neighbouring country are borderline sexiest… they expect the women to clear up whilst they play cards after dinner. If it’s a daytime weekend event they won’t get involved in any toddler childcare - they think their place is to sit at the table and talk about work and careers without distraction

i cant stand this 1970s style set-up. Not all the men are like this and some of the women (wives) accept it as normal anyway.

i wonder if your husband wants to “be himself” like his dad in his home country? And you cramp his style because you have a modern outlook?

I get why he goes to dinner without you- but next time he hosts I’d get baby to bed and go out, leave him to clean up. If he has a go at you, you say but I got the baby to bed for you. Do you host your friends expecting your house to come with a free dishwasher?

He says you dont like them but more likely you just dont have much in common and it gets in the way of a good old catch up for him. Think of it like a drink with old work colleagues you have met a few times, but really they are his friends not yours. As long as they are friendly when you host I’d leave it as it is.

Forgot to tag @ParmaVioletTea.

OP, I replied above that I think you're being unreasonable to try to quash or push in on this.

But I re-read your posts and thought on how you write about your DH's initial resistance to moving and his not adequately "integrating" in your eyes. Is it at all possible that him having this group that is bonded around their home country (made up of people who you also believe have not "fully integrated") brings up insecurities in you about him not being happy in the UK long-term?

I think it's worth reflecting on that possibility or similar ones. If the answer is yes I still don't believe you're being reasonable to begrudge him the socializing or try to interfere, but I do think it's always easier to tackle our unreasonable responses to things when we identify why we're having that reaction.

Have you been a migrant @TryingAgainAgainAgain ?

It’s something people think is easy to do, but it’s not. It can be a very deep and subtle displacement. I’ve been a migrant twice ( migration then return after 30 years to a very changed country) - the first time I might have been seen to “pass” but I never really did. It shapes me still.

The OP is British, and in another country temporarily. Her DH was reluctant to leave his country, but has done so. I’d say from her experience of living out of the UK, she should understand a bit of how her DH might feel.

I haven’t even met most of my DPs friends and we’ve been living together for 13 years. We socialise independently most of the time. Do you have your own friends?