I’m fed up of DHs monthly meal with friends that I’m never invited to

[Ellensie]

My DH and I are fairly young to be married in our circle, we are 27 and 28, we have a 19 month old DS and are generally quite happy.

3 years ago we moved back to the UK from his home country, various things played into this but ultimately in his home country the job market isn’t great and roles for young professionals are limited and taken up by the older population, this makes career growth difficult, even if the cost of living itself is slightly better. It was a difficult choice and not one DH was fully on board with but has now admitted was the right call.

He quickly made friends from his home country, mainly has his younger sisters childhood best friend is living here too. He is friendly with his work colleagues and does go for drinks with them but he’s made little effort to fully integrate and make friends outside of the diaspora from his country. I won’t generalise but it seems most of his friends are similar.

They have a routine of once a month meeting up and having a meal, there are 2 couples, then one other girl who is in a relationship but with a Brit. I seldom get invited, other than If it’s our turn to host (about once every 4 months we host, or it’s a big event like their Christmas meal). His reasoning is that although I speak the language, I don’t always understand the inside jokes or have the shared experience of growing up in the country. I appreciate this.

However I know that the girl whose boyfriend is British invites him basically every other month, he hardly speaks the language (I’ve met him). It makes me feel as though DH just doesn’t actually want me to be there. I’ve spoke to him about this and his reasoning was basically 1. I don’t get the cultural stuff and 2. he thinks I don’t like his friends and can sense that I don’t?? I asked him to explain point 2 and he effectively said as 4/6 of them immigrated whilst we were still in the EU and work in hospitality or beauty/personal care industry he feels like I look down on them. Most of my friends work in corporate roles but I certainly don’t look down on anyone who works in any other industry.

The issue I have is these friends clearly matter to him and I feel I barely know him and I’m often the only partner left out. He goes straight from work and is out until the early hours and inevitably when we do host I feel like a spare part just looking after everyone.

AIBU to be annoyed by this routine?

It is weird if they are all couples and your DP refuses to invite you but generally I'm keen on people being able to do their own thing within couples.

If you both had lots of mutual friends it would be fine for him to see a group on his own but this seems to be his only group of friends so it is weird that you’re shut out.

I’ve lived abroad for many years, and lots of people I’ve known over the years are married/partnered with a local person, and they’ve moved from their home country to live here with them. My BIL is in this position right now.

It is so so so hard for them. They are in ‘your territory’ and living in a place where you feel comfortable and like everything is familiar while it’s not the same for them. This is exacerbated more once kids come along.

You have to let him have this monthly meet up. He needs time away from you to be able to socialise and be himself in his native tongue, with people that ‘get’ him culturally. He can make jokes, cultural references, complain about the UK etc. without having to translate or worry about whether you’re fitting in or following the conversation.

Hard agree @movinghomeadvice

They’re all in the same boat though and all the other spouses are invited.

I think it’s ok to want a night out on your own once a month, I’d hate it if my partner wouldn’t allow that and wanted to come too.

Actually, do you not have friends op? You don’t mention when you go out with your mates, is that it, you have no social life so want to be part of his?

if so that’s not the answer.

There's only one British boyfriend who is invited half the time at most. And we have no idea why he comes at all - it's possible he's an arse who throws a strop if she tries to have her own friends. Everyone else who attends is from the same country as OP's DH.

I wouldn’t be too bothered about him seeing friends without me once a month, but I’d be quite upset about him claiming that I look down on people because they don’t make much money! In fact I’d be furious to be accused of that sort of shallow snobbish attitude.

Your OP says he wasn’t fully “on board” with moving to the UK - that’s quite a huge thing to say. Did you put pressure on him to move against his wishes? Does he resent you for it, and this group is the only outlet he has to talk about that? Because it seems to me that there must be a reason why he is so very keen to exclude you.

I wouldn’t be too bothered about him seeing friends without me once a month, but I’d be quite upset about him claiming that I look down on people because they don’t make much money! In fact I’d be furious to be accused of that sort of shallow snobbish attitude.

I agree. If he really thinks his wife thinks like that why is he with her?

Imagine if this was a wife saying her husband made her friendships difficult, tries to insert himself into every meet up and makes an issue when they want to use the home to host…😲

You do go to some events, you’re not obliged to host when he has them to your house and you don’t have to be involved. Let him be. It’s suffocating.

It's healthy to have something of your own without your spouse. It comes across as quite controlling to be against him having this.

I think given it’s only once a month, YABU.

So you’ve gone from saying “you won’t know this…” to “she should understand”.

I would find it annoying if DH wanted to come to a monthly meal I had with my friends.

It’s only once a month . Let him enjoy the time with his mates who I don’t think you have a great bond with . As long as they respect you when they come to your place once every four months , while your husband does all the cooking , that’s fine too . I don’t see that topping up their drinks or clearing the table should be so bothersome for you . Surely they top up your drinks when you go to their place?

Are you the poster with the Polish husband who refused to let you have Christmas at your parents as he wanted you to cook his traditional dishes for him and his friends? Because if so, he sounded pretty awful generally.

No she didn't. Stop making shit up.

So why did he come to the UK if it wasn't for op who is from the uk

Aside from this monthly social, do you and your husband do any shared socialising, or go on dates? If not, then maybe that is the issue, and you just need some quality adult time with your husband?

my sister does this a lot, i either use the Transcribe option or play in 1.5x speed, even 2x can be understood if you play close attention

OP I always think it is healthy for couples to do things separately and not be together all the time.

Ehether it is hobbies, sports or meeting friends, it is better to have your own time and space now and then.

You get to be involved in this group when you host so I think you are being unreasonable.

I’m married to someone who is from another country and I, like you, have previously lived in his country with him.

When I was living in my dh’s country it was really important to me to have my own separate friends. I didn’t have anyone else. Not my family, not my childhood friends, not old colleagues so I had to make new friends, build relationships with them and shared jokes etc. The last thing I wanted was to bring my dh into those friendships. I needed something that was for me that was outside of our marriage. Not so I could talk about dh or have affairs but so I could be just me instead of one of a couple.

Quite honestly if my dh, who I had uprooted my life to move and live with, had pushed his way into my friendship group or complained about it I would have left him and gone back to my home country where I already had friends.

It's fine for him to meet once a month, nothing wrong with that but I think what annoys you is not being asked, especially with the Brit boyfriend, who is invited, so why not you? If he wasn't a factor, I don't think you would mind this get together once a month.

What would annoy me though are his friends thinking you look down on them, coming to your house & not engaging with you, not seeing it as a chance to get to know you. Does the Brit boyfriend talk to you? I would feel a spare part in that scenario & awkward in my own home.

It's once a month. Let him have his night out. He doesn't want you to be there. He wants to be able to reminisce about his home country, and make jokes with people who understand it, without worrying about catching his partner up on everything or if you're having a good time.

As balance, I think it is unfair he puts the work of hosting onto you. Just don't clear up! Leave it for him to do in the morning.

From your initial post, I got the impression you didn't like his friends, or at least, that you think he should have other friends: "he’s made little effort to fully integrate and make friends outside of the diaspora from his country."

You need a monthly night out alone to balance his.