I’m fed up of DHs monthly meal with friends that I’m never invited to

[Ellensie]

My DH and I are fairly young to be married in our circle, we are 27 and 28, we have a 19 month old DS and are generally quite happy.

3 years ago we moved back to the UK from his home country, various things played into this but ultimately in his home country the job market isn’t great and roles for young professionals are limited and taken up by the older population, this makes career growth difficult, even if the cost of living itself is slightly better. It was a difficult choice and not one DH was fully on board with but has now admitted was the right call.

He quickly made friends from his home country, mainly has his younger sisters childhood best friend is living here too. He is friendly with his work colleagues and does go for drinks with them but he’s made little effort to fully integrate and make friends outside of the diaspora from his country. I won’t generalise but it seems most of his friends are similar.

They have a routine of once a month meeting up and having a meal, there are 2 couples, then one other girl who is in a relationship but with a Brit. I seldom get invited, other than If it’s our turn to host (about once every 4 months we host, or it’s a big event like their Christmas meal). His reasoning is that although I speak the language, I don’t always understand the inside jokes or have the shared experience of growing up in the country. I appreciate this.

However I know that the girl whose boyfriend is British invites him basically every other month, he hardly speaks the language (I’ve met him). It makes me feel as though DH just doesn’t actually want me to be there. I’ve spoke to him about this and his reasoning was basically 1. I don’t get the cultural stuff and 2. he thinks I don’t like his friends and can sense that I don’t?? I asked him to explain point 2 and he effectively said as 4/6 of them immigrated whilst we were still in the EU and work in hospitality or beauty/personal care industry he feels like I look down on them. Most of my friends work in corporate roles but I certainly don’t look down on anyone who works in any other industry.

The issue I have is these friends clearly matter to him and I feel I barely know him and I’m often the only partner left out. He goes straight from work and is out until the early hours and inevitably when we do host I feel like a spare part just looking after everyone.

AIBU to be annoyed by this routine?

Yabu its healthy to socialise separately and also for him to have connections to his home land. It does sound like you dont really like the group tbh and he obviously feels he can relax more without the pressure of making sure you are ok/included. Rather than try to force your way in, make your own plans once a month and have your own time out.

I hate big gatherings where I don't speak the language well enough to join in.
Do you really want to go, or do you feel abandoned and unsettled and insecure as to your place in his heart?
I would want to be invited and welcome, but I'd still not want to go.

I don't think its unreasonable for him to want to go out with this group of fiends without you. Its healthy to have relationships away from each other that are separate. If my DH wanted to tag along with me when I meet my girlfriends I wouldn't want that. I like my time with my friends without him. I like having a life outside of our marriage that he is not part of and he feels the same.

He meets up with his friends from Uni several times a year and I am not invited and don't expect to be. This is HIS time to reconnect with those friendships and I don't expect to tag along.

Let him have this, leave him be and enjoy his friendships that he has outside of your relationship.

These are his friends. It’s perfectly normal for him to have friends that are not joint.

He’s left his home country to come here which he wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t for you. This is his little community in a foreign land. Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you have to do everything together and insert yourself into every aspect of his life.

Just let him have this without making it about you.

@Ellensie

I'd be bloody furious that he doesn't invite you (for spurious reasons) but expects you to do all the work & play hostess if they come to yours!! I'd simply refuse next time - go out - leave him to it. It's outrageously rude of him. He sounds like a sulky child.

Personally I wouldn't really feel the need to go. It sounds like it's something more for him, and that's fine. My DP and I both go to things with friends or groups that the other is not really a part of and it's not a problem.
As for the situation when you/he is hosting at home, just don't clear the table or top up drinks. Eat, exchange whatever polite conversation is appropriate while you do so, then thank your DH for dinner and excuse yourself politely along the lines of 'I'll leave you to get on with it while I have a bath/early night with a book' or whatever.

It’s okay for him to spend time with his friends. I’ve never met any of dh’s work colleagues and we had friends invited to our wedding who I’d never met. So what? Everyone needs a life separate from their partner. I’d never invite Dh along for dinner with my friends unless it was explicitly a thing for partners. It’s nice to just relax and spend time with friends and not be in couple mode every time. This is especially the case if these are really his only local friends.

I think YABU. Having you there would clearly change the dynamic in his social circle. I'd hate having my own husband at meals with my friends - it would just be plain odd.

I would feel pretty weird about inserting myself into DHs friendship group if I knew he'd be more comfortable without me there. Why would you not want your DH to have his time once a month, socialising with whomever he wants?

I agree with this. It’s not as simple as “it’s healthy to have other friends” or “they have a shared culture”. Other partners are invited, it’s a mixed group and you also lived there and speak the language. So I agree he’s not being fair

I have a group of friends that I used to work with and we've stayed in touch as we have other things in common. DH used to work at the same workplace, so he also knows these people.

He doesn't insist on coming to our get togethers because he understands that these are my friends and that we have common interests that we like to talk about, and having him there would change the dynamic.

When they come to my house he offers drinks and clears away plates or similar because he's being polite - not because I expect him to.

I actually can't even understand why OP would want to insist on coming to a group that would be awkward for her, but the obvious thing for her to do if she does want to be involved is just to include herself next time DH hosts and see how the evening works out. She well might realise that it's deathly dull for her.

Hes entitled to his own friendship groups, however

Hes using you to host when convenient for him but doesnt really want you there for some reason. i'm not sure what that is but he’s keeping the reason secret and making up excuses to justify his decision.

If the others bring partners he should too.

The fact that’s not happening isn’t right. Maybe he’s lied about something and just hoping you don’t find out what he said about you. Maybe he’s planning something secret that he never wants you to know. (my friends muslim husband tried to take a second wife he tried to keep secret) who knows.

Id tell him you don’t mind him having friends but presumably telling them lies about why youre not there and excluding ypu when others have partners is wrong. That you won’t be hosting any more. You will go out those nights and meet your own friends/join a book club/whatever.

I'll be honest, if my DH tried to either push in on or stop a once a month dinner with separate friends I would have a serious issue. Your DH shouldn't have ever needed to give you a reason beyond wanting that solo time with his friends

It's absolutely normal for people of your age to have their own social group that they meet with without their partner, and the reason for this group's existence is very clear and reasonable. You do not have the same needs as most of the group, so their conversations won't be that relevant to you. Also your partner might want to talk about the difficulties of living here, without having to justify his feelings to you.

If you were the person living abroad and not quite fitting in yet, you'd really appreciate a group of women in a similar situation, who would understand you and where you'd be able to vent a little. If your DH tried to push in to that group, I'm pretty sure you'd resent it. The fact that another member brought their partner wouldn't make your feelings any different.

Not ok. If just lads night out, that's completely understandable, but if partners are invited and you're not, that's just rude.

Look on it like a kind of work do. They are really only fun for the work colleagues who know the in jokes or the conversation. IF a partner comes to you have to look after them and try to find ways to include them etc. The same applies in this situation.

I am sure when you lived in his home country you may have welcomed the chance to have a chat with other Brits. Once a month isn't much and it gives him the chance to perhaps talk about home without having to perhaps hide his feelings about being here or making you feel he would rather be home. He needs this as a safe space I suspect.

Is it a difficult language? Perhaps you can learn it, great challenge and you would then be included.

It's once a month? It's healthy to socialise without your partner being surgically attached.

Just meet up with your own friends, leave him to meet up with his. Don’t wait on them if DH is hosting, go out and have fun. No need to live in each others pockets

OP has said absolutely nothing to suggest that her DH expects her to play hostess or do all the work. When it's his turn to have the group over he cooks for everyone and she said she just ends up clearing plates and getting drinks because she feels at loose ends - that's her choice and it isn't fair to blame it on him. All he's done is invite her to join instead of telling her to clear out of her own house (which he would also be the villain for).

I agree OP should consider just making separate plans if she doesn't enjoy the gatherings but it's not some statement or middle finger to the DH. It's just being a reasonable adult that doesn't knowingly create a situation to be resentful over.

Why do you need to be 'invited into conversations' in your own house? I don't think I've ever been 'invited' to verbally communicate with anyone socially. And stop topping up drinks and cleaning.

Can't you go out monthly with your friends? To me it's healthy to have separate groups of mates and see them monthly.

It sounds more like you're insecure about it rather than you actually really like his friends and want to spend time with them.

You're saying you feel you hardly know him. How can that be when you're with him every day and he only goes out once a month?

Wait , is the the only one not inviting his partner ? Yes I would be annoyed and feel like he is hiding something . This is not something we would do to each other as a couple .

I think YABU to be honest. Even if it was just once a month with another friend group, its not much. Couples need their own friends. But the fact that they are all from the same country and speak the same language makes it even more understandable. I'd guess he just wants to able to chat and relax and not wonder if you are keeping up with conversation all the time.

So three evenings in four months, or 9 evenings a year, he goes out with his mates and speaks his home language and reminisces about his childhood in his home country.

It's not a major chunk of his time. To be honest your reaction makes you sound a bit jealous and clingy.

I have to agree with this.

When you are away from home and from the culture you grew up with, it is nice to meet up with people who do share that culture and do have the same references - for jokes, for memories, or for chat about things like the sports results or the way things were at school, or whatever.

Really, really, really normal for 'ex-pats' or immigrants to any country to form groups and clubs and societies to meet up with one another. (Even things like 'London Irish' Rugby Teams or 'Welsh Male Voice choirs' in English Cities - it doesn't have to be a long way from home).

Plus, when you are married, it is not only 'fine' but also I'd say healthy for each of you to have your own interests or groups or social times without the other. Once a month is not really impacting on time at home. It isn't ike it is a twice weekly thing.

I originally did vote you are not being unreasonable on the basis you were only invited when hosting and Christmas; I’d wrongly assumed you were invited to cook and wait on the guests. Since your update, I’ve changed my mind, you are being unreasonable, because you’re not really invited to the hosting event at all, you’re only there because you live there and not being ‘used’ to cook and serve as your DH has this covered.

You should be pleased that your husband has a good group of friends to go out with every month so that his life in the UK is enjoyable. He wants to let his hair down and not think about culture differences - or you not maybe liking his friends - when out with them. He invites you to the Christmas meal and that should be enough.

In fact, instead of being there when hosting, could you drop the baby off with family for the night and go out with friends too?

Having separate friends is okay.

I'm really surprised by the vote, having read through all the comments.

Who are all the people saying YANBU ?