DD disclosed abuse by DS(ASD)

[Tornbetween2children]

Firstly I don’t know where to post this so I’ve put it in AIBU.

Six years ago my DD (who was then 15 and had gone completely off the rails) disclosed that she had been sexually abused by her brother when she was 6 and DS was 18. DS is autistic, and now lives in supported living many miles from our area.

I asked her if she could tell me what had happened and she said that she couldn’t. So I asked her if she’d feel able to talk to a therapist about it, which she agreed to and was in therapy for about a year. I also asked her if she wanted to report it to the police. I made it clear to her that I believe her, I’m on her side and I will support her with whatever she decided. She considered it for some time and decided against reporting it.

At the same time I confronted DS, who claimed to have no memory of it happening (this didn’t surprise me, he has always claimed that he can’t remember things when confronted). I made it clear that supporting his sister was my priority and even though I will always love him, I hate what he’s done. I told him that he couldn’t come to our home again because our home is his sister’s safe space and it can’t be safe for her if he’s around. (He had already moved out by this point, I didn’t kick him out). I also offered to pay for therapy for him too, but he refused.

Six years on DD is doing very well, has settled down and is at university. She has never talked to me about what happened. We never mention DS, I took down all the pictures of him, if other family members bring him up in front of her I quickly change the subject. It’s like he never existed.

I have little physical contact with DS, though we speak on the phone regularly (when DD is out). Sometimes we’ll meet up if I’m up his way. It makes me feel intensely guilty.

I have always tried really hard to bury my feelings for DD’s sake, she is the most important person in all this. But it is killing me. I feel torn down the middle. I don’t even know what happened, how frequent, how bad it was, so I tear myself to pieces imagining the very worst. I even got therapy but my therapist told me they’d have to stop because they couldn’t help me - there is no solution to this.

Members of my exH’s family are bad-mouthing me, calling me a bitch because I never have DS to stay at Christmas etc. I just have to take it on the chin to keep the secret. It’s breaking my heart that I can’t be there for DS as I should be. I love him so much, but I hate him too.

I was a victim of child sex abuse myself, and I was also so overprotective of DD, never let her go on sleepovers etc, and yet it still happened under our own roof. I’ll never forgive myself that I didn’t protect her.

I just feel like giving up. I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep on like this.

I am so sorry that your DD went through this abuse, Op, and what you also went through as a result. No advice except to say I hope that you get some useful support from this thread.

You do need specialist help, even if to help with the abuse you've been through. You believed your daughter which is 100% correct, i don't know what else you could do. Have you informed his assistant living place? Just so they make sure both him and others are safe. Does your daughter want you to do anything? As for the bad mouthing it doesn't matter as your daughter knew you'd have her back and trusted you to tell you, she obviously didn't trust them.

Oh OP, I don’t really have any advice but I couldn’t read and run. What an awful situation you are in. FWIW I think you have handled it really well and the fact you and your daughter remain close suggests she thinks so too. You got the perfect balance of support and belief and not pushing her to do something she didn’t want to do.

Your feelings towards DS will rightfully be very complex. He’s your child and that won’t ever change, but you’re right to protect your DD and try to navigate a relationship you are comfortable with with your DS outside of that.

I really think you need support though, where that will come from I don’t know, I hope you get some suggestions, because this is far too much to handle on your own.

I think this sums up perfectly how I felt reading your post OP.

There is nothing I can add to this, I’m so very sorry you’re in this position x

Just to give another perspective. Do you really want a relationship with your DS? I would not. He was 18 and autism is not an excuse. Not trying to influence you, just saying that I would not blame you if you dropped all contact with your DS.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would ignore your exH family, they are not important, and only you know the truth.
I would get specialist help if I were you, as it is a big secret to carry and you need to look after yourself.
Your daughter sounds like she is managing well, and another poster summed it up when they said that your feelings towards your son will be complex.
I hope you get the specialist support that both you and your daughter need xxx

I’d try another therapist OP, they don’t have to fix the scenario to help you cope with it.

I'm so sorry OP. 💐 You say your therapist said "they’d have to stop because they couldn’t help me - there is no solution to this." That really doesn't sound right at all, they shouldn't have said that to you. Are you sure they were a properly trained and accredited therapist? If you felt able to try therapy again with someone else that could be much more helpful. If you look on the bacp or ukcp website you'll be able to find some. Sometimes you need to try a few therapists or types of therapy to find a good fit.
https://www.bacp.co.uk/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=WB_BACP&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=14852386482&gbraid=0AAAAAoLPPY_rwpJOO8XloU02P1TQwL1_q&gclid=Cj0KCQiAyP3KBhD9ARIsAAJLnnbhpwcmbRRY4oJYfLrRikCzXPS8BoGX9NCZx2l7Uo_Epnglob1LiacaAkRlEALw_wcB
https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/?Distance=10

You can't change what happened, Op.
How devastating for you and your whole family.
DD is doing as well as she can.
Hopefully she will continue to have a nice life.
You are right to take sides and protect her.

Does your DD want others in the family to know what happened?
Would it feel better for you if you could share why you don't have DS to stay? It would not be an ongoing topic but it could help everyone understand and give both you and your DD support.

Just wanted to send hugs. Sadly there is no solution to this as far as can see, just find some coping methods for you (if there are any) but wanted to say you're an amazing mum. Am very pleased you supported your daughter throughout, am pretty sure that support is what's helping her live a more normal life.

Thank you for believing your daughter and doing what you could to support her.
My brother sexually abused me but my mum chose him over me. Probably because he would give her some money when he saw her. Matched what he sent to Thailand to his wife’s family. Also probably because she was nasty and never loved me.
Your belief in your daughter and your love for her means the world. The abuse was not your fault so please don’t ever blame yourself.

Members of my exH’s family are bad-mouthing me

How do you know about this?
Whatever the source of this information is, cut it off. Whoever is telling you this, cut them out of your life. Block everywhere.
There is absolutely no need to have your exH's relatives in your life.

You need to find another therapist, not only because of the current situation with your DD and DS, but also because of the abuse you suffered as a child.
There are lots of different types of therapy and each therapist is a different person, so keep looking until you get the help you need.

I was thinking this too. Because loving someone and continued contact with them being a healthy thing isn't always the same.
OP, you are tearing yourself in two trying to maintain a relationship with your son, while supporting your daughter and living as a survivor yourself. You've done an incredible job to get this far. But it is taking a great toll on you.
I think you need to ask yourself if the benefit to you and your son is actually worth the cost to your own mental health or whether even more distance from him would be better.
Sometimes trying to hold on to everything means you drop it all.

Omg OP I’m so sorry! I don’t know what the answer is is here. Only you know the level of comprehension your son has and whether he would have known what he was doing. Poor you and your poor daughter. I actually felt a little sick when I read this as my son is autistic and without knowing what the abuse was, whether it was sustained or whether he hurt her it’s hard to know whether they would know it was wrong, I couldn’t help thinking of my son seeing or hearing some thing somewhere and thinking it’s normal and copying it but I’m guessing at 18 he would have known better? I’m going to get flamed for saying that I think but I hope you understand what I mean. Of course it doesn’t help your daughter even if he didn’t understand, she still shouldn’t have had that happen to her. I just don’t know the answer, would she be willing to tell you what happened? Has she ever spoken to you about how she feels about her brother? Again, only you and she know his level of need and comprehension. You may find she wants to move forward with an apology from him but hasn’t wanted to talk about it for fear of upsetting you. Didn’t the therapist ever disclose what was done? I thought they had a duty of care to report something like this to the police? Was it maybe not as horrific as your mind is thinking if that didn’t happen? Please don’t think I’m trying to say it was okay because if course it wasn’t I’m just kind of hoping for your sake that it was more ‘innocent’ than it sounds and that you don’t have to go through this hell forever. I think at the very least you need to have a conversation with her around you not cutting contact with him, at the very least you shouldn’t have to sneak around and shush people when they talk about him. See how she feels about you being in contact and you might be able to get an idea of just how she views him now even if she doesn’t want to open up.

I’m so sorry.

I have a friend who had one of her children accuse a sibling of sexual abuse. Quite far down the line in a police investigation it turned out to be a complete lie and wrecked the family as a result. You were right to protect your daughter, but was there any evidence of it being true? I’m not making excuses if it is, but if there’s any possibility it might not be it would be horrendous to have cut your son out of your life like that. You’re in an awful position.

You should be proud of yourself for how well you have managed this. You couldn't change what happened in the past but it sounds like you have done everything right since your DD disclosed the abuse and the impact that will have had on your daughter will be huge.

It’s really scary to type things out like that on here - well done for being brave enough to do so. I agree that OP did the right thing in believing her daughter. And getting her therapy.

I was trying to make the point that autism looks
different in different people (my son is very young but his brain is literally damaged so I doubt he would
understand consent for example) it’s sad but false allegations are sometimes made so it has to be considered, the other thing is that at 6 years old without knowing what the abuse is it’s impossible
to know if it’s something that is awful but a mistake. For example if he waved his penis at her because someone at school did it and he copied that behaviour that would be considered abuse and she would of course be traumatised but it would be much more easy to unpick and understand. Of course it might have been sustained abuse that was much worse and unforgivable and perhaps he should have been reported. This young woman may now regret how she reacted at the time but not dare to bring it up with her Mum in case Mum is upset with her. I think OP deserves to know what happened really so she can decide what course of action to take but the daughter doesn’t have to disclose it. I am shocked the therapist didn’t report this to the police, it makes me wonder if the therapist thought it wasn’t necessarily abuse.

Nearly brought me to tears. I wish my mother was like you. Wish I knew you so I could give you some flowers and a hug and tell you you’re doing a great job.

I have nothing to add except I’m amazed by how well you’ve handled and incredibly difficult and emotional situation.

OP I’ve already commented twice so apologies, could you contact your daughter’s original therapist? The more I think about it the more I think it’s strange that she didn’t report sexual abuse of a child (who was still a child) to the police. Your daughter was only 6, is there any way that this has become worse and worse in your mind because you’ve been having to push it to one side all the time and have been trying so hard to be everything to everyone and has your own childhood trauma? I don’t want you to think I don’t believe your daughter, I think you did the right thing by believing her but I really think you need to know what he did. It may help you to realise that he isn’t someone you want to be in contact with or it may help you to see that it was a huge mistake that he didn’t understand the consequences of at the time.

The fact that your daughter is settled and doing well and at university is testomony to you, she may have periods in her life - such as big family events or if she has children herself when the past abuse will rear its ugly head but she will cope with you by her side. Ignore the rest of the family, every family has there issues and I'm sure they've got theirs. Research has shown sexual abuse of children is nearly always committed by family members or family friends - so is that saying all mothers are to blame for this happening, certainly not, family dynamics all complicated at the best of times, your daughter obviously doesn't blame you so why blame yourself.

I am so sorry, I don’t have time to comment properly but you sound like a lovely mum who tried to do her best, and is trying to do her best, and it’s so bitterly unfair and awful… you cannot change the past you have to let it go. Sending prayers to you and your lovely daughter. Motherhood is a powerful thing, no one can understand what you feel if they have not lived it, but I just wanted to say I (random person on internet) am sending love from afar. There is no perfect answer, you will have to accept that and do what you believe to be right.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

I agree with pp that there will be help but that therapist was not equipped to deal with it and their response sounds inappropriate.

This organisation may help all of you

https://www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/advice/

Also, sorry I've not read every post so I'm not clear but does your DD know you have contact with your son?

I think you need to be honest about this. If she assumes you do not have contact and it comes out later that you do, she will feel betrayed.

I am sorry to say this and give you any other cause for worry, but I do think you need specialist help to find a way through. So so hard for you.

You did the right thing. I would have done the same.

I hope you can get a different therapist.