DD disclosed abuse by DS(ASD)

[Tornbetween2children]

Firstly I don’t know where to post this so I’ve put it in AIBU.

Six years ago my DD (who was then 15 and had gone completely off the rails) disclosed that she had been sexually abused by her brother when she was 6 and DS was 18. DS is autistic, and now lives in supported living many miles from our area.

I asked her if she could tell me what had happened and she said that she couldn’t. So I asked her if she’d feel able to talk to a therapist about it, which she agreed to and was in therapy for about a year. I also asked her if she wanted to report it to the police. I made it clear to her that I believe her, I’m on her side and I will support her with whatever she decided. She considered it for some time and decided against reporting it.

At the same time I confronted DS, who claimed to have no memory of it happening (this didn’t surprise me, he has always claimed that he can’t remember things when confronted). I made it clear that supporting his sister was my priority and even though I will always love him, I hate what he’s done. I told him that he couldn’t come to our home again because our home is his sister’s safe space and it can’t be safe for her if he’s around. (He had already moved out by this point, I didn’t kick him out). I also offered to pay for therapy for him too, but he refused.

Six years on DD is doing very well, has settled down and is at university. She has never talked to me about what happened. We never mention DS, I took down all the pictures of him, if other family members bring him up in front of her I quickly change the subject. It’s like he never existed.

I have little physical contact with DS, though we speak on the phone regularly (when DD is out). Sometimes we’ll meet up if I’m up his way. It makes me feel intensely guilty.

I have always tried really hard to bury my feelings for DD’s sake, she is the most important person in all this. But it is killing me. I feel torn down the middle. I don’t even know what happened, how frequent, how bad it was, so I tear myself to pieces imagining the very worst. I even got therapy but my therapist told me they’d have to stop because they couldn’t help me - there is no solution to this.

Members of my exH’s family are bad-mouthing me, calling me a bitch because I never have DS to stay at Christmas etc. I just have to take it on the chin to keep the secret. It’s breaking my heart that I can’t be there for DS as I should be. I love him so much, but I hate him too.

I was a victim of child sex abuse myself, and I was also so overprotective of DD, never let her go on sleepovers etc, and yet it still happened under our own roof. I’ll never forgive myself that I didn’t protect her.

I just feel like giving up. I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep on like this.

If he were neurotypical it would probably be as cut and dried as that. But his condition means that he can’t take responsibility. He has learning difficulties, he needs care, he’ll never have a job or a partner. It’s not as simple as that.

You’re right about my ex and his family, I know. But from their side, what kind of heartless monster turns her back on her disabled son? The irony is that my ex hasn’t been in his life since he was 10 years old, and he doesn’t have an excuse.

Op, for starters, get a better therapist. The purpose of therapy isn't to fix a situation, it's to process your experience.

I really think you need to speak to someone, as the situation you've described doesn't sound healthy at all. While keeping your dd safe and comfortable is obviously important, you cannot pretend to yourself that you do not have another dc. You do, he exists, and whether or not you want to maintain contact is a complex issue.

I think it's difficult that you didn't report this to the police, if I'm being honestly I really think you should have and the weight of that decision shouldn't have been left for a child to make. There needs to be a record of the allegation (even if it isn't prosecuted) because of the risks involved.

That was at my daughter’s request. And yes, it was very harsh but getting her on an even keel when she was running away and self-harming was our priority then.

this is an impossible situation, I think you sound like a lovely mum xx

A friend of mine who has a teen autistic son had issues with sexual abuse allegations. It was reported to the police and fully investigated. What it basically came down to was two vulnerable people (one due to disability and one due to age) fundamentally seeing the world through totally different lenses. What happened was wrong. But also there no harm intended. In fact the boy didn't even know there was an issue until policd appeared

It's not my story to tell so I won't give details. But an analogy would be one person thinking it's fun to play tickling games and the other finding the touch inappropriate. So it is possible that your daughter was sexually assaulted but also that he doesn't know he did anything wrong.

Ultimately I don't think you'll get any peace until you know what happened. It's also important for safeguarding reasons for your son's carers to know. If he genuinely isn’t seeing anyone except carers ever that implies he has serious issues?

OP, I have PMd you with the details of an online support group.

I’ve been the child in the judicial process and it was literally as bad as the abuse itself. I never told dd my feelings about it because I wanted her to make her own decision. I would never force dd to go through that unless she felt strong enough to deal with it, and felt it was something she needed to do and then I’d support her all the way. She didn’t at the time, but she knows that she can change her mind on that at any point in the future. But I also know that as my son has the mental age of a 7-8 year old there is zero chance of a prosecution.

I'm so sorry, you sound like a very loving and caring mother who has done the best you can in impossibly difficult circumstances. For what it's worth, I think you have done everything right and don't see what else you could have done in your position. I'm so glad your DD is doing well - that is a testament to your love and support. I hope you can get some specialist support from one of the sources recommended by other posters. I think you need to find away to rid yourself of the guilt you feel about your son - you are still supporting him as best you can and you are not responsible for the fact that he doesn't have the life you hoped. Remember that nothing is set in stone and his life can change but that is for him and his support workers to work towards. So try and let go of the guilt. You're doing all you can. Be kind to yourself 💐

You have worded this better than I could. It’s exactly how I feel.

Oh OP is his mental age really that low? It really changes things I think if he is so low functioning. My daughter is 8 and doesn’t know what sex is. Oh god I feel so bad for all 3 of you.

Just to say, I was the daughter in this scenario, I was 10 and he was 17, but there was no learning disability or neurodivergence. It took until I had my own children to tell my parents that he had abused me, just once. but I asked them not to do anything.

since then they’ve pretended like I never mentioned it, told me I’m hostile towards him, and basically made me feel like my issues with him are nothing to do with them and they treat us as equals, and ‘he’s not all bad’ 🙄.

it has all damaged my self esteem and self worth profoundly, and to see a mum defend her daughter like you have- well, just thank you, and I’m so so sorry that you’re in this position.

I’ve read all of your posts and the replies OP and while I have nothing of note to add, I just want to say you sound like a wonderful, thoughtful, supportive Mum to both of your children and they are both so lucky to have you ❤️ it sounds like you have done everything to the best of your ability on your parenting journey - single for a fair amount of it? - and I wish I could grant you peace about the outcomes that have happened with each child, because you deserve to feel free from the thoughts your been having. You have been dealt an unfortunate hand and dealt with it considerately and admirably to both children x

Rather than trying to find a therapist through a counselling directory, I think you should try to connect with one through an organization that works with sex offenders. Lucy Faithfull Foundation, StopSO and Stop It Now all have expertise in this area and I think would be a good place for you to look for help.

I am so sorry, this is such a hard situation.

It’s an absolutely fair question! If he’s done it once already and it’s never been reported to the police.

My concern with your actions is that you haven't reported it to the police. It is not ok to leave a grown up decision like this to a child: it is too much responsibility.

There may be other victims of your son as well. If you don't report, then the police lack this crucial information, and cannot safeguard present or future victims or potential victims.

I think this is really unfair. Forcing the issue is taking aways the DDs control in the situation - if DS is as limited as OP says, his chance for contact is zero so forcing the issue would be pointless. And for the people saying DD should tell her mother what happened - again, no. This young woman has come through a terrible trauma, and needs to be in charge of what happens and when.

When you say he usually denies things when confronted, does this mean he has a decent level of understanding? Is he what most people would deem ‘high functioning’?

Op. U are doing an amazing job. Just believing your daughter is way more better than what lots of woman who tried to tell have been treated. U can still love your son u can’t help it but I think keeping the distance is the right thing to do and help the safety and security of your dd. Fk ur ex’s family nothing to do with them. Sure they will find a way to blame even if they did know by the sound of them. They are not important don’t give them head space. I do think tho a different councillor if it is still possible would be a good idea, no one can tell u when ur past help. Just keep up your relationship with ur daughter. Maybe tell her u are going to counselling again she might open up a little bit more but she is likely keeping details back to protect you too .

I would seek out another therapist, OP. You need to process this and for someone to listen without judgement. I think it's okay to let your daughter know that you are in therapy, too. It might be that at some point you could both talk to a therapist together? I don't know whether that's something you would ever want to broach with her, but it might be good for both of you to talk together in a safe environment.

As for contact with your son, I think it's right that you don't tell your daughter about the visits, but I don't think you are doing anything wrong by seeing him. He surely cannot have an understanding of what he's done, and I don't think it's a betrayal of your daughter to have some closeness with your son. No, he shouldn't be allowed to come to your house as that would be so traumatising for your daughter. But for you to visit him and be part of his life - I don't feel that is wrong.

I really feel for you, OP. What a sad situation. I think you are doing your absolute best and should maybe give yourself a break sometimes.

It’s also quite common for siblings to feel jealous of all the additional attention that SEND siblings require - I have been involved in a case like this where the accuser made it up out of resentment, so whilst OP absolutely needs to support her daughter I just hope that her DS isn’t being wrongly accused.

My DD is 22 years old. She isn’t a child. This is her decision.

My son hasn’t been in contact with any other children and never will. Did you miss the part where I talked about his learning difficulties and that he is never unaccompanied? There are no children in our family, DD is the youngest. My DCs have no cousins and besides, no other family members even visit him. His carers are predominantly male (he responds better to men), and none of them have ever, in 13 years of independent living, expressed any concerns about inappropriate sexual behaviour.

If I thought there was even a tiny chance that he’d come into contact with children, I would report him. But if I did, and the police questioned DD, I’m terrified that she would go back off the rails.

I’m quite sure it isn’t just for attention. DS spent large parts of his childhood in respite care, or with his grandmother. DD had plenty of attention.

When she disclosed, a lot of pennies dropped. Her behaviour had been pretty textbook of a CSA victim. Drinking, drugs, self-harm, anxiety and depression, withdrawal, refusing to be kissed or cuddled (even by me). I absolutely believe her. I can’t believe I didn’t spot it sooner.

Oh god @Tornbetween2children what a bloody awful situation.

Firstly as the survivor of abuse (not sexual) at the hands of a parent I cried when I read you had believed your dd from the outset and the steps you have taken to protect her. My mum did then and still does gaslight me abiut my situation.

Secondly, I so get the feeling torn, it must be really hard. Doesn't matter what he has done, he is your child and you will always want to do the best for him.

But if I am brutally honest I think you are using his additional needs to minimise what he did. If he didnt have autism what would you have done?

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I really appreciate the responses and openness of people who’ve suffered themselves. x

Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m minimising as such. What he did has destroyed DD, and blown our family apart. I’m not playing that down, but I know that he’s got no comprehension about what he’s done. He’s always asking about DD, and when can he see her. I have to tell him that she doesn’t want to see him because he hurt her. He doesn’t understand.

DD was adamant she didn’t want it to be reported and it would be a huge betrayal if I did. And what would the police actually do if I told them second hand that my Daughter had accused my special needs son of abuse, but isn’t prepared to tell us anything about it?

As I said previously, if he didn’t have learning difficulties then I absolutely would have reported him. But I can’t lie, I do think small part of me is (or at least was, at the time) secretly relieved that I wasn’t forced to make that call.

But if I am brutally honest I think you are using his additional needs to minimise what he did. If he didnt have autism what would you have done?

I am sorry you had the experience you did, but how is this a helpful question? The OP has moved mountains to support her DD and keep her son out of her way. And he is not just autistic, he has a very low level of function - which means he may well not understand what he has done.

If he was NT OP would have done different things. But accusing her of minimizing when she has made such heroic efforts to keep everyone safe is unfair.