DD disclosed abuse by DS(ASD)

[Tornbetween2children]

Firstly I don’t know where to post this so I’ve put it in AIBU.

Six years ago my DD (who was then 15 and had gone completely off the rails) disclosed that she had been sexually abused by her brother when she was 6 and DS was 18. DS is autistic, and now lives in supported living many miles from our area.

I asked her if she could tell me what had happened and she said that she couldn’t. So I asked her if she’d feel able to talk to a therapist about it, which she agreed to and was in therapy for about a year. I also asked her if she wanted to report it to the police. I made it clear to her that I believe her, I’m on her side and I will support her with whatever she decided. She considered it for some time and decided against reporting it.

At the same time I confronted DS, who claimed to have no memory of it happening (this didn’t surprise me, he has always claimed that he can’t remember things when confronted). I made it clear that supporting his sister was my priority and even though I will always love him, I hate what he’s done. I told him that he couldn’t come to our home again because our home is his sister’s safe space and it can’t be safe for her if he’s around. (He had already moved out by this point, I didn’t kick him out). I also offered to pay for therapy for him too, but he refused.

Six years on DD is doing very well, has settled down and is at university. She has never talked to me about what happened. We never mention DS, I took down all the pictures of him, if other family members bring him up in front of her I quickly change the subject. It’s like he never existed.

I have little physical contact with DS, though we speak on the phone regularly (when DD is out). Sometimes we’ll meet up if I’m up his way. It makes me feel intensely guilty.

I have always tried really hard to bury my feelings for DD’s sake, she is the most important person in all this. But it is killing me. I feel torn down the middle. I don’t even know what happened, how frequent, how bad it was, so I tear myself to pieces imagining the very worst. I even got therapy but my therapist told me they’d have to stop because they couldn’t help me - there is no solution to this.

Members of my exH’s family are bad-mouthing me, calling me a bitch because I never have DS to stay at Christmas etc. I just have to take it on the chin to keep the secret. It’s breaking my heart that I can’t be there for DS as I should be. I love him so much, but I hate him too.

I was a victim of child sex abuse myself, and I was also so overprotective of DD, never let her go on sleepovers etc, and yet it still happened under our own roof. I’ll never forgive myself that I didn’t protect her.

I just feel like giving up. I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep on like this.

Could people STOP implying that the dd lied or was mistaken? Please just stop.

Dear OP: please find a better therapist to accompany you on this difficult journey. Your dd is doing well and knows you support her. Your ds is safe and living in supportive housing which is better for all three of you. You keep these two children who you love apart as you must do to protect both.

If your dd ever has children you must hold the line because she will never feel safe letting him come around. She may/will not feel safe letting him play uncle.

Go back to therapy if you can. Sometimes a therapist will not be a good fit. They don’t have the skill set you need. Its good that they terminated with you because they were not up to the task. Someone else is. Keep looking.

Btw I can imagine how violently painful the not knowing is, you feel you NEED to be in control because of your past, the not knowing is agonising .. Again something not everyone can understand (I can only imagine). I guess you have to flip that, this is your daughter’s control, to protect herself, your son, you, or all of the above. But knowing will not change anything. Focus on what you can change. Don’t waste your whole life. Find another therapist. Keep being there for your daughter. Tell family there are reasons he is not around and you cannot discuss them. Try to live you life and learn to be happy because that will help your daughter too.

You can forgive yourself.

I just wanted to recommend this organisation: https://stopso.org.uk/
They support sexual offenders and their families and have a register of specialist therapists who are trained to deal with the sort of complexity you are dealing with. I agree with pp that a good therapist should be able to help you explore all this.

Do you know for sure that your DS doesn’t have further opportunities to sexually abuse other children?

You said you feel torn down the middle, but you have basically disowned your son so that doesn't make any sense to me?

It’s a real life minute by minute nightmare for you.
You are an excellent mother who is doing the very best in a truly awful situation.
I am really sorry.

I want to say that it’s okay to continue to have a relationship with your son, we (should) love our children unconditionally and you are allowed to do this. Having boundaries around contact between your son and daughter makes sense and is good, but you don’t know what he’s done and going no contact is likely to be very damaging to you and him and potentially even your daughter who may feel responsible. And yes, it is possible for somebody to miss report something that happened when they were six, and it should not be taboo to say this. You don’t have the full picture and unless your daughter tells you what happened and your son admits to it, you will never know so you have to be at peace with that. This is something I know about on a personal level and I will say that it is possible to come to terms with not knowing. Your job is to be a mother to your kids, and to address your own childhood trauma.

Thank you for believing your daughter, OP. I had a friend at uni who had experienced abuse by her brother who had a learning disability. Her parents chose not to believe her, and she developed an eating disorder that sadly killed her in her early twenties.

You have done the right thing in prioritising your dd and her wellbeing. It's understandable that you still love your son. No matter what he has done, he will always be your child. You are doing the right thing to support and protect your dd.

Some counselling for you would probably be helpful.

Contact the Lucy faithful foundation https://www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/our-services/ They may be able to offer a supportive ear and help you consider how to navigate the future

No. Frankly. Not one single person has implied that the daughter is definitely wrong or has lied. Some of us have suggested that a 6 year old may or may not have understood what happened to her, that’s all. That isn’t wrong and we shouldn’t be burnt at the stake for the mere suggestion it needs to be discussed to get a clearer picture. I’m a misandrist, I believe women always but I’m not a fucking moron! Very occasionally people lie about these things or misunderstand what happened to them. It’s a fact, you’re burying your head in the sand if you don’t consider that to be even a tiny possibility. Those of us that made those comments also accompanied them with sympathy and comments that she of course should believe her daughter etc, stop being so black and white and insinuating we’re women hating, victim blaming, pick-me idiots!

OP, what a horrific situation for you. So hard. I'm sorry.

Of course you can be helped, even if that therapist wasn't able to. There will be lots of help out there and lots of parents in your situation or similar situations, unfortunately.

Try this: westand.org.uk/parent-worshops

I think some people are just trying to point out that sometimes, occasionally, some women may lie about abuse. Why they do that, who knows? Attention? Revenge? Jealousy? Not getting the same amount of attention her autistic brother did ? It’s not always the right thing to believe the victim 100% and not take the accused story into account. It’s probably 99% true, but are the memories of a 6 year old to be remembered accurately? I know I have flashes of being that age, no more than that. How did you ds react when you questioned him about this ? How was their relationship growing up?

Big hugs. There's no template and you make the best decisions you can.
This is an evolving situation and it might be worth thinking about where you want ideally to end up then what has to.happen to get there. Both children are now adults. It makes a difference.

Thank you so very much for your kind response. It pretty much sums up everything that I think and feel.

I’m sure DS knew that it was wrong, but only in the same way as he knew stealing his brother’s chocolate was wrong, or damaging the furniture. He wouldn’t have understood the complexities or ramifications of his actions.

DD’s therapist has never disclosed what she discussed with him (yes, she chose a male therapist!). I don’t know if that’s because she was 16 by the time she started therapy. My only contact was when he’d email me his invoices though he did email me when she’d finished therapy to say he thought I was a great Mum, which was nice to hear. I might be wrong but I think they only need to raise safeguarding if there’s a danger that it could be ongoing, or a danger to someone else. He doesn’t have contact with anyone apart from his support workers (which is a big part of why I feel so wretched). He’s completely alone.

I was told by my own therapist (who was actually brilliant) not to push DD into telling me exactly what happened because it could retraumatise her. I hoped that once she’d had therapy she would bring it up in her own time, but it’s just never happened.

Thank you again. I have days where I feel like a monster, and a shit mum all round. Your words are very kind, and it means a lot. x

you may only have ‘flashes’ of memory from that age as you haven’t experienced life altering abuse.

i cannot remember anything day to day from when i was a child up to about 7ish, but what i can remember sickeningly vividly is my abuse that i can only imagine began from birth until he died (thank god). my most vivid abuse memories were from when i was only 4. i remember the pictures on the wall in the room and even what he was wearing.

you remember it at 3am, you remember it if you see a child who looks uncomfortable, you remember it randomly while having a good time with family - you remember it when you do not want to.

don’t feking discredit people and thank yourself lucky for a normal childhood.

At the time she said she understands how difficult it would be for me to cut him off completely because he hasn’t got anyone else and has special needs. But she doesn’t want him to come to the house or to be anywhere near him.

I have told her that I don’t speak to him very often and rarely see him, which is true. But I don’t mention it when I do speak to him or see him, if that makes sense.

I did tell her that it wouldn’t be fair for me to cut him off until I know what he did. As a pp said, if he exposed himself once, as disgusting and upsetting that must be for DD it doesn’t warrant losing your entire family. Or maybe it does, I just don’t know.

I think it must have been worse than that because I don’t think she would have been as badly affected if it were just that.

Yes. He’s basically a hermit and has no contact with anyone other than his carers. He only leaves his flat, accompanied for medical appointments.

I haven’t disowned my son, I am limiting contact and it kills me. I’m torn between feeling like I’m betraying my daughter by having any contact with him at all, while letting him down by not being there for him and knowing he lives a miserable existence totally alone and unsupported. I’m also trying to live with the guilt, and the shame I feel which is made worse by having to lie and make excuses to the wider family (none of who know).

Thank you. I’ve been on We Stand’s waiting list for about two and a half years now. I will get back in touch and see how far along I am.

Terribly difficult situation but there is no definitive information re what actually happened.
Your daughter has not given any details to anyone and alot of assumptions being made.

Why do you still feel obligated to see him? It's causing you pain and not helping you. You are allowed to put yourself first.

This doesn't mean you stop loving him. You just remove your obligation to him. You should not feel guilt. He doesn't feel any compassion or guilt about what he's done because he doesn't even have the decency to admit it and take responsibility for his actions.

Who cares about your ex's family. They are irrelevant.

But there are no certainties.
I am not disbelieving anyone but there are no actual facts.
OP's son's photos have all been taken down and his name is never mentioned.
Seems prematurely harsh

Thank you to everyone for your responses. You really don’t understand how much it means to me. Even to be told there’s not much else I can do other than what we’re doing is incredibly validating. Thank you again.

Just on the subject of my therapist, she was actually fantastic. I was with her for three years and her help was invaluable. But by the end we were just going round and round and over the same stuff, and i couldn’t find a resolution. I think she just felt that she’d taken me as far as she could and I was just wasting my time and money. And I got that completely and respect it.

Prejudiced and judgmental post