Have I ruined everything

[theheckisgoingon28]

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

This. Get out. Waste no more energy on the creep.

If you genuinely think this is all your fault nothing anyone will say on here will help you, you need professional help.

Hi op this is his house not mine . My dog is amazing . Wouldn’t do anything at all and is let to do what he wants and where ever he wants to be in my house . When she attacked his face i only went to his with my dog to put her and the then other dog in the cage . She also bit my hand a few times too . Lucky she is little .

Hi . Yes not house hold things but I did go through a stupid faze of buying really expensive shoes , jewellery ect and the dog got out of her cage a number of times and chewed everything to pieces . Even face creams that I payed over a hundred pound for. I could go on and on . She even ate my birthday cake that was made for me even before I got to cut it . Jumped on the unit and took it to the floor and ate the whole thing , somehow opened the bedroom doors and ate all cakes i had made for Valentine’s Day

Nothing anyone says on here is going to make you leave him. I am going to be really blunt. Sorry in advance. He is a disgusting excuse for a man. And you are facilitating his behaviour. You are being an irresponsible Mum. Letting your adult daughter think it’s normal to be treated like an animal.
I know you are 38 but you need to grow up fast and get some professional help. You have probably lived half of your life already. Do you really want to live the next half being a shitty parent, in a relationship with a complete arsehole and generally being miserable. Get a therapist, come to terms with your past and have a better future

look he is going to be goading you to apologise to him then he will take you back, he will probably threaten suicide if you say no. You need a good shake and keep him blocked and do not give in to his false threats and promises. I hope you can do it but I have seen it time and time again you will probably be back with him by the weekend.

She sounds great, but please be very, very aware that if you've managed NOT to model accepting abuse to her, she might go the other way. I have a friend who's mum was in a similar relationship to yours with your (hopefully) ex. My friend was embarrassed and disgusted by the way her mum kept going back to a man who treated her so horribly, and those feelings never went away, so she stopped contact with her. Her mum has never met her grandkids! Personally, I think she could/should have supported her mum more in leaving, but this was before I knew my friend. Just wanted to open your eyes to the possibilities, OP.

OP you need too tell him it's over, block him and if he tries to contact you again, tell him you will call the police and if he won't leave you alone, then call the police. Please ring women's aid they can help with this but right now, your life is a car crash and it isn't going to change with him anywhere near you.

Make 2026 the year you break free and make your daughter proud of her mum rather than sad/embarrassed .Spend some time working on yourself whether that's through exercise, therapy, online counselling, do some courses (the Freedom programme has been mentioned), taking up a new hobby or learn a new skill, reconnect with old friends that are decent people. Anything to keep you busy, build back up some positive relationships and start to be happy. You deserve happiness but you won't find it with this man in your life.

Maybe it’s me making him the way he is .

I have never heard anyone so utterly desperate to take the blame upon themselves.
Why on earth do you persist in believing you are the one at fault?
Why do you need to believe that?

It's 100% not you I can guarantee that and I don't even know you. Of course he's saying he's sorry otherwise you'd leave. He is horrible to you then apologies and twists it so you start doubting yourself and forgive him and so the cycle continues. This is how abusers work - just think, if he never apologised or had periods where he was being nice, you'd have left long ago right? But he knows that if he says the right things just enough to keep you dangling, you end up forgiving him. You need to break this cycle please ring women's aid OP you can't do this alone.

@theheckisgoingon28 I know loads of us have said this already but why are you with this revolting creature? A sexual relationship should be something you look forward to, not dread. Never mind the rest of it. Please, please get rid of him and look after yourself. You deserve so much more than this.

It's actually quite sad you can't see how much you are affected by this and still stay with him.

You need to leave him, you will have a better life if you do.

I think you need professional help to leave this abusive man. It's not normal to be shouted at and sworn at. To be lied to about drug use and porn use.

Even if he has an app that changes his phone number, if you hear his voice just hang up - don't talk to him - just put the phone down. Keep doing that over and over.

I’d rather be single!

Hey me again ! So like Someone had mentioned . He would contact me , he phoned me on my way back too work. Said get everything off my chest . I said I thought you said it was over and I don’t know why hes phoning me , didn’t expect it amd I said I would have respected your decision and would have left you alone . I don’t know why hes phoning phoned me because it was another argument . I said what was on my mind drugs ect. Said I don’t want to be with Someone who thinks taking coke is ok. He said he hasn’t since Christmas . Then kicked off again saying i cant see how much he has changed . I said change to me is someone who changes completely and stops something . Not stopping just for a few days , weeks at a time . He said wrll i dont see anything wrong with it you do just because it’s ilegal if it was legal you wouldn’t care . I said I would because it changes people . Long story short i said what he said on the weekend and that was he is going to stop doing coke this year . Then on the phone he said hes not going to promise because he says it’s a social thing and will be doing it again and cant see what my problem is or why I keep brining it up because of how much he changed . He then lost it completely said he was going to bash his head in with his phone . Drown him self in a puddle . Dont know how that would work . And said he has to go because his head is going .

You need to block this man.

He is not going to hurt himself. That is a tactic to manipulate and control you.

He is toxic and if you stay with him, you will end up very, very unwell.

Pretty much spot on what I said then, please don’t get back with him

Not having any drugs since Christmas isn't really hum stopping taking them. Christmas was literally 2-3 weeks ago. He's a druggy.

Put the phone down on him and walk away. He won't change, ever. He's not interested in changing.

Must admit i'm struggling to see why you go back to him and put up with his behaviour.

Please stop talking to him..I have posted several times now..I am a DA worker (IDVA) and his pattern of perpetrator behaviour is classic. He is not calling because he loves you or misses you but to torment you further. It is all about power and control ..he has all the power and is controlling you. I understand leaving him is difficult but it is the only way forward. Wish you well

OP, you sound lovely but is there any reason you’re answering his calls and still seeing this man?

How many more pages of people have to tell you to run before you listen? You have your own house, separate finances etc so you don’t have to get ducks in a row, you can literally just never speak to him again and get your peace back!

He doesn't love you. That's all you need to remember.

I was single for a while, just me and my dog, it was bliss, I eventually met my DH, and later had a child and I've never looked back at any of the sub-standard relationships I had previously, I would rather have been on my own then put up with any sort of nonsense.

Give yourself a week, no contact AT ALL for a week and see how you feel, the more time passes the more you will realise how awful this relationship (and he) is, and you won't look back, but you need time to adjust and break away.

He isn't giving you that time tight now, because he knows he will lose his control and his grip on you if he does, tell him you want a break for a week, block him, and stick to it, then see how you feel.