To not understand how people have an evening.

[Littlebittiredoflife]

My children are 8 and 12 and we've not had an evening for basically that long. 8 year old is in bed by half 8 and older one up later but sorts themselves out. We're always washing up, prepping lunches, putting washing on, unloading dishwasher, until at least 10pm at night. I mean at least one of us is (obviously not me tonight as I'm writing this). I saw someone who said they watch TV together then one of them goes and reads and the other plays video games- are they getting in bed at midnight? Obviously when they were younger and needed more help with sleep and eating I accepted we wouldn't have much time to ourselves, either together or apart but we still don't seem to be getting any.

Also I'm aware we do have an evening but it seems to be spent on routine and never pleasure!

you got in at 4pm but don’t serve dinner to slow eater until after 7. That’s bonkers.

you need to deprioritise. A tray ale could have gone in a 5 and been ready at 6. That buys you a whole hour, or even earlier.

I wouldn’t hoover at such a critical time and therefore delay everything else.

I never get evenings as the kids are always doing extra curriculars. I’m normally facilitating baths and packed lunches between 8-9pm and then I’m
in bed myself at 9.30-10pm. I just consider it family life. My mother never sat down and watched Tv when we were kids.

Your problem is how long you take to do things. Unload the dishwasher while you’re cooking. Then it’s empty to be loaded as you get finished with things as you’re cooking, it’ll take maybe 5 minutes after eating to put the last bits in.

We don’t buy anything that’s not dishwasher safe, and if we do, it does in anyway accepting that a shorter/less perfect life for the item is better than wasting our precious time washing up. But even when we do wash up, there’s no way on earth we could drag it out for an HOUR.

I suspect your lack of free time is because you are inefficient with the time you do have (eg both parents waiting with the kids while they eat slowly, taking so long to wash up). You could easily claw back an hour of the day with some time efficiencies.

Yeah, there's no point saying "I hear you OP! DH and I get home at 6.30..."

I think all the jobs tou described like taking down decorations etc are a week end job.
if you couldnt do it at the week end then it waits for the following one.
i dont sleep in at the week end in actually i m
up between 8 and 9 instead of 6.30, then have a list of chores to do. I dont blitz them but they are all done by sunday dinner time. During the week, only the kitchen will be done everyday.

for me you re doing too much during the week.

Everything goes in the dishwasher here. Survival of the fittest.

If you're on Instagram, and probably other platforms, there are loads of accounts that specialize in bagging up ingredients in advance for slow cooker meals. Find one and the algorithm will keep you fed for months 😂

I think we do more at the weekends. Almost all laundry for example is done at the weekend. I hate having the dryers up in the week.
we finish the post dinner clear up by 9. Ds goes up. DH and I watch something for one hour then I go up and read and DH games a bit.
we don’t make packed lunches. Ds gets school lunches. DH takes the bits and prepares at work and I wfh.

I feel you OP.

On my office days I don't get home until 6.45/7. So that's a quick heat up of a batch cooked meal and then I do DD's bedtime (7.30ish) while DH cleans up (swap each day).

Those days are actually easier in terms of cleaning as there are no peelings etc to clean, it's simply putting the dishwasher on, cleaning the table/surfaces, sweeping and mopping (if needed), tidy any remaining toys (try to get DD to do this before bed.).

I do try to tidy as I cook and get stuff in the dishwasher but it depends on what I'm cooking - we cook from scratch so not much food I can just chuck in the oven and wait for.

Washing is the one thing I'm always behind on - I utilise the weekends and wfh days to catch up on that. I usually try to do at least one load in the machine a day though, even if it doesn't get put away for a day or two! I do only work part time too, I imagine 5 days in the office would be pretty challenging.

Having said that, we can usually sit down at 8.30/9ish together to watch an episode of something. We tend to watch something togther a few times a week while other nights we do our respective hobbies - reading, games etc.

We've just had another baby so no idea how we will fit in another bedtime - I'm hoping by that point DD will be able to be read to and then fall asleep by herself. We also don't have to squeeze in homework yet which I'm dreading.

It’s quite easy.

Dinner at 6, clear up and so packed lunches straight after (kids should be helping), then relax.

My advice would be to get into good habits early on with the new baby - you will thank yourself for it.

And you do know that homework is for the child, not you?!

I’d focus on a room a day for cleaning, rather than doing whole house hoovering and cleans. And get this app for your phone ‘The Organised Mum Method’. The method is little
and often and she talks you through a clean so you’re very focussed. I suspect you’re not being efficient if it’s taking you so long to do everything. So Monday it’s lounge, Tuesday bedrooms etc. Each clean takes half an hour. You also do 15 mins a day of general upkeep (something laundry related, quick bathroom clean (maybe just clean a loo and sink), straighten the beds and hoover main traffic areas). There are guided cleans on there for after meal clean of kitchen etc. The longest of those is 20 mins which indicates you’re spending too long on clearing up after dinner.

The way I’d do it in your circumstances is to communicate clearly when everyone will arrive home at the end of the day. First person home prioritises getting the meal ready so you can sit down and eat as soon as the last person gets home. If there’s other time going spare whilst dinner is simmering away, get lunches prepped for tomorrow and do other little ‘fill in’ jobs like emptying the dishwashwer (ours is full size and takes maximum five mins to unload) or putting a load of washing on etc. You can also use that time to tidy a room and run the hoover over the floor. Five mins tidy and five mins hoover max!! Sit down together to eat and chat. Make main meal the ‘together’ bit but if the kids are faffing and having pudding, one of you can supervise them and the other load the dishwasher and put things into soak. Get kids to clear their plates and put things straight into the dishwasher you emptied earlier rather than stacking on the side. One supervise baths and bed if needed whilst the other finishes the kitchen and completes any housework jobs (20 mins). Then both sit down when kids are in bed.

So today as an example kids left at 8:15 for school. While they were getting ready to leave I ran a sink of hot water, washed some plastic tubs from last night and shoved a pan, jug and oven tray in to soak. Once they had left I dried the plastic tubs, washed pans and put on side, entirely emptied dishwasher onto a clean section of counter drying as I went, then put everything away in one go, then picked up remaining dirty dishes from a pudding last night and breakfast and shoved those in and finally dried and put away the pans. By doing one thing completely at a time it was a lot quicker than if I got out, dried and put away each item individually. It’s taken me about 15 mins to do that and read this post/type a response. Often just making sure you do things one at a time speeds things up a lot.

I’m with you OP. Husband and I met through a triathlon club so one of us trains each night, the other does the kids. Get home from afterschool club at 6, my husband 30 mins later. Feed our children (6 and 8) then start bedtime at 7:15. I cannot get bedtime down to less than 90 mins. Bath - 20 mins, stories 20-30 mins then it takes them ages to go to sleep and they’ll scream blue murder if we leave the room before they’re asleep.

Tiptoe out at 8:30 on a good day, 9 on a bad day then start cooking our dinner. Bed by 10 having washed up and poss a few admin jobs. Kids wake up every night at least once (we’ve NEVER had both sleep through) and wake up in the morning and do it all again.

We’re permanently exhausted. It’s not a very satisfying way to live. We earn very well but at taxed to the hilt. Life might seem better if I could afford to buy new shoes but yet I’m still shopping on vinted.

Hoovering, wiping the floor and clearing out the fire takes 1.5 hours??

And why did your DH have to stop off to get another ingredient? Just improvise!

Emptying the dishwasher takes 3 minutes - just do it in the morning so stuff can go straight in it as you cook.

You’re answering your own question OP, you’re making your life so much harder than it needs to be.

I’m a single parent to 3 DC and am more efficient than this.

What time are you eating? I find that if dinner is too late it all goes to shit - ideally the dinner should be cleared away / dishwasher running before bedtime stuff kicks in.

Honestly, make the change now - my kids are teenagers and then you really don’t get an evening to yourself any more. You’re in my good old days, evening-wise!

You are massively inefficient OP. I cook, load the dishwasher and wash up, all takes less than an hour. A load of laundry takes 5 mins to put in. Unloading the dishwasher in the morning whilst making a brew takes 5 mins. I sweep and mop the kitchen daily and this takes 10 mins. My house is a big 6 bed and there are 8 of us. I have loads of time in the evening🤷‍♂️

Just seen that quoted message above - yes, you’re eating too late. And possibly pottering too much with these tasks - you need to work efficiently to preserve your evening and some proper down time

Good god, this sounds like hell.

Kids are 6 and 8 and you need to tiptoe out of their room? 20 mins of ‘stories’?? Screaming blue murder?

If this isn’t an advert for getting babies into a routine early on and expecting them to get themselves to sleep I don’t know what is.

And why the hell are you cooking two dinners?? Just eat together, your kids surely don’t require different meals?

I honestly despair of how some people engineer their lives to be as miserable as possible.

I find people are sometimes organic or unorganised. I have one dd who is organised and one who is not, so one never gets an evening to herself and the other does.

A bit of time and motion study on your housework and dinner might help

slow cooker meals for 8, dump bags, if you cook double you can free the other 4 portions for another week in the month.

Give some responsibility to your dc, they should be able to empty the dishwasher and stack it at 8 and 12. This leaves you time to get on with other stuff. Dishwasher is a right of passage and only takes 10 minutes, but that ten minis you can tidy up or clean the bathroom.

Shoes off in the house keeps down the need for hoovering

Love this. Yes like everyone else is saying you need to keep things a lot more simple. More preparing dinner in advance during the week. I am a clean freak with 4 kids, 3 teens and I still prioritise having time to watch tv. I would feel so stressed otherwise if I didn't sit down for an hour.

People are so weirdly hostile on mumsnet lol. I’m sure a lot of us can relate to having the evening swallowed up by chores and prep. It happens to me sometimes and I don’t have children and I think Christ, where has the evening gone?! Let alone when you have kids to sort (and fires to put out). I do get evenings most nights but when I get home from work if I need to cook from scratch, wash up lunchboxes, make lunches for the next day, wash up dinnerware, unload washing, put a load on, put that away. It does eat into the evening. I don’t get how people are saying it doesn’t. Let alone if you have to run errands - I had to return an appliance the other night and by the time I’d got home and prepared for the next day it was time for bed!

To get more of an evening (I know I’m lucky in that I have way more spare time than most who have kids), I batch cook dinners so I’m only cooking 3x a week max. I do jambalaya, chilli, butter chicken, curry, chilli etc in the slowcooker. Bored of lunch is a great cookbook, I also have a few other one pot meals. I make enough for leftovers the next day and to freeze a portion. I also don’t hoover every day (le gasp), and do the washing every other day. I also make overnight oats (3 portions) so that saves time and I’m only making breakfast once a week. Again, I only have myself to sort out and my husband but yeah. I also usually get click and collect shopping. Hope this helps in some way

Just an observation, but is youngest subconsciously eating very slowly because when he does he gets lots of parental attention - sitting chatting, spending time together at the table.
You are right to want to instil good table manners, but it doesn't need to be a "proper" sit-down meal every day. Perhaps it would make him speed up if you all got up from the table and left him, then you or DH hovered around the kitchen (assume you eat in the kitchen?) doing tasks and every 5 minutes say "hurry up and eat DC name", with no further engagement.
Re-enforce it with something to look forward to once his plate is cleared, e.g. a short game with one of his parents.
You don't need desert every day - too much sugar, and it keeps everyone at the table so no incentive for youngest to speed up.

You need to be prioritizing dinner so you know exactly what you're eating and you have the ingredients in. Use a slow cooker, cook extra so you can freeze some so you have some days where you're not cooking at all. Cook simple things that don't need a lot of prep.

The kids are old enough to help keep their own rooms tidy,

Eat earlier if the kids take a long time to eat.

It really depends on your setup.
We're both self-employed so evenings are often used for invoicing and admin once the kids are in bed.
Twice a week maybe we manage to watch something together around 9pm but I always fall asleep within 20 min.
On Sundays we have a bit if time together.

We both have a bi-monthly hobby where one goes out for a couple of hours while the other holds the fort.