To think being a mother is a constant worry.

[Parentingadvice]

I love my kids more than anything and our live wouldn’t be the same without them. They are teens now and no major issues but I feel I am constantly worrying about one thing or another; perhaps SAD and menopause isn’t helping at the moment.

It is being responsible for another human wellbeing when you also have to deal with your own issues and everything else. Perhaps teens are harder as they don’t tell you much and you don’t know what is happening with them, just have to guess whether they are ok or not; plus the influence of social media, peers, drug risks, etc.

How other parents feel? Any advice?

I think I am growing old before I am due.

I feel the same and it’s exhausting. My kids are young teen and young adult. I feel like I need to train myself to not worry because I honestly don’t think that there will ever be a time when both are 100% and I ca relax. So I need to just learn to relax now and let whatever will be will be. When I find out how to chill out I’ll let you know!

I could spiral into a nervous wreck of I allowed myself to worry about all the things in life that could negatively affect my DC. I've worried myself into tears over very unlikely scenarios more than once so every time I start down that path, I consciously decide to end that train of thought. I don't want unnecessary worry to wreck motherhood or unduly affect my DC's lives. I've seen friends go down the ridiculously overprotective route and it's stifling all round.

Glad to know it is not only me. You feel so responsible for their happiness and wellbeing. I would like to be able to disconnect somehow as you can’t rely solve everything and everyone has their ups and downs and has to learn to manage them.

How do you do it?

one friend told me to say in my mind: this thought isn’t mine. I am trying that and try to convert it into a positive thought.

It is not healthy. I think I need some CBT or other sort of therapy

100% yes. Mine are 30-ish now, and left home about a decade ago, and need nothing from me or DH, and are completely independent, (live 15-20 ish miles from us,) and I STILL worry about them.

DD drove back from Brighton yesterday after being there since Friday, and I was worried sick because of the snow. (It's been bad up our end. Roads have been dreadful!) I was on pins from 10am when she left to 4pm when she got home. I said 'message me when you get home safely.' (She did!) I used to go off on one when my mum used to say this to me, like 'duh, I'm not a baby for goodness sake mum!'

Now I see my mum's point of view! You never stop worrying. My DC are nicer, and more tolerant of me than I was of my mum! 😬

Tbh when i think about it I feel like why did I inflict life on them by having them in this horrible world and the worry is constant, I never can switch off or log off. All I can do is help them be strong and look after them..some things are preventable risks or situations you can prepare for so you can do those things but other things are down to luck and for those I tell myself ill worry about it if it happens. It helps me to separate what I can help and what I can't help.

A lot of what you say is true, but it is also so much fun and joy and excitement etc, I try to hold onto the multitude of positives they bring to balance out the negatives/relentlessness of parenting. Because ultimately I am so glad I get to be a mum.
Eg if I have a worrying intrusive thought I try to flip it eg “she is late home, what if she has been murdered wait what if she is being attacked right now” etc I have learned to stop myself, breathe/exercise/walk around/pray and then just think what is the alternative? That my daughter never leaves the house? Never has friends? Right, so, I’m actually grateful she is out and living her best life, will me worrying right now help in any way? No. Right, so instead I’m going to do xyz positive thing that I CAN control.

I recommend why has nobody told me this before by dr Julie smith as a book or audiobook for all round mental health tips, it’s helped me with lots of strategies. Also I realised a lot of my worries about my kids were based on my own experiences as a teenager, so I had to work through some painful stuff and learn to separate out the two. The fact you are aware is great, don’t be too hard on yourself x

that’s me as well, mine are in their 40’s with families and 30’s single
I worry far too much about them
More so about the single one as the others have someone in their lives who love them as much as I do if you see what I mean.
I worry about them far more than my parents worried about me

They definitely bring joys into our lives and our lives would be boring without them; but yes the worry is frequent. Do you think fathers feel the same way? My husband seems quite chill, a very positive person, mainly live in the present.

I really need to work in some techniques to be more relaxed and positive. I do yoga, meditation, magnesium, etc.

When you have a worry ask is it realistic? is it urgent? can i do something to avoid it? what can i do about it now?

I really would recommend CBT, and also think it's worth trying medication if you're finding it's really affecting your quality of life. I had quite a big breakdown in my late 20s after, in hindsight, years of clinical level anxiety and treatment completely transformed me. That was before I had children but I have worked so hard to ensure my anxiety remains under control since having them - I consider this one of the most important things I do for them, as I know anxiety is highly heritable and it's really important to me that I set a healthy example. I do find that not so much motherhood itself (though I found pregnancy pretty awful for anxiety, especially as I suffered from recurrent miscarriage) but so much of the culture around it has made that harder. There is, I think, a very strong rhetoric (and I think MN is particularly bad for it!) that the more anxious you are the more loving mother you are. I find that can really feed my own disordered thinking if I'm not careful, and I have to remind itself that unhealthy anxiety is essentially selfish/self-absorbed rather than pure love. I find the exercises I learned in CBT incredibly helpful for this and for challenging my thought patterns before they start to spiral.

Will look for the book. Thank you

And then they have children and the worry is magnified… well it is for me anyway. I worry about my grandchildren just as much if not more.

I really don’t want medication but I think I do need the CBT. Thank you

My dad used to say he couldn’t sleep until he heard us all come through the front door at night if we were due in. I’d say this is a for life thing but I like CherryCookies
questions!!

Just bought the book recommended. Will check the CBT. Need to do something about it as is not healthy

I hear you OP. They're a life long worry! I do have to keep myself in check and give myself a good talking to every now and then.
I know I'm less anxious when I'm busy and fulfilled myself. Trying to take a leaf out of dh's book- he's a fab dad but more out if sight out of mind which I think can be healthy!

Ooof, I feel you. Mine are 15 and 17 and the eldest is also type 1 diabetic and I worry so much about him and how he will be when he moves out. I hate the constant worrying.

I hear you and it's drives me crazy the amount I worry.
Also peri meno so maybe linked.

OH, I can SO relate to this.... and mine is an adult.

I feel devastating worry about mine and am going to have to try CBT to deal with it. It is worsened by the fact that one of them does have some challenging health issues.

The hideous deaths in Switzerland have really preyed on my mind over the past few days - so often it seems as though horror is out there just waiting to knock on your door. Those poor parents, and beautiful young people, such tragedy. (One of the kids who died looked so very like one of my sons that it’s really thrown me.)

I do sometimes fell that had I known the burden of worry, I might not have chosen to have children at all. Maybe I am a CBT emergency 😬.

I agree I often think I wouldn't have had children if I had known how.mich worry would be involved.

It's awful when they have health problems to add to it all.

I know what you mean about the fire deaths, can't imagine what the families are going through. Those youngsters just out celebrating new year.

And the week before Christmas a teenager crashed and died on the M1 near us. I became consumed by this and how his family must be feeling and this added to more worry about dd driving to work.

My son (9) has gone to bed tonight upset about going to school tomorrow. Loves school so nothing to get upset about but is upset the holidays are over and about a particular project they'll be studying this term. So now ive come to bed early upset because I listened to him for 5 minutes and then said we've had a lovely holiday but you're going to just have to get on with it, it won't be as bad as you're thinking and its too late now and I'm tired. I think I should have listened more I suppose but I feel so tired as work's rough. I've tried to go back in but hes asleep 😴