To think being a mother is a constant worry.

[Parentingadvice]

I love my kids more than anything and our live wouldn’t be the same without them. They are teens now and no major issues but I feel I am constantly worrying about one thing or another; perhaps SAD and menopause isn’t helping at the moment.

It is being responsible for another human wellbeing when you also have to deal with your own issues and everything else. Perhaps teens are harder as they don’t tell you much and you don’t know what is happening with them, just have to guess whether they are ok or not; plus the influence of social media, peers, drug risks, etc.

How other parents feel? Any advice?

I think I am growing old before I am due.

I agree so much. A lot of what I’m reading here seems like straight up anxiety. I do not think it’s normal or healthy to be so worried about teenage or adult children doing normal things (ie not in a war zone, deadly ill etc).

True and I don’t watch news for that reason

Mine often isn’t necessarily ‘worry’ so much as not being comfortable with knowing they’re in pain, and not being able to do anything about it. Like when they’ve suffered a heartbreak, I just want to take that away from them. I worry about them hurting.

In fairness I say the same to my parents! They travel across Europe and I still get a check in each evening that they’ve reached their destination safely.

Agree. There is the anxiety about things that have not happened, what if. Which I think could be avoidable with CBT or other treatments as it is not healthy.

But there is also the worry when they are unwell, down, struggling with something, etc which is unavoidable and part of being a mother.

Mine are DD 22 and DS 21. DS is at Uni 3 hours away and DD graduated last year and now lives in London again 3 hours away. I have been divorced from their Dad for 10 years now and virtually raised them alone. I have found my worry over them has escalated a lot since they left home and I have zero control over what they do / where they are etc. My OH reassures me that it is very rare for anything bad to happen until my DD best friend was killed last year aged 21, just walking home and a car lost control mounted the pavement and killed her. Of course DD was distraught and it has been the hardest time. Bizarrely I have started to let go more these last few months, if the worst is going to happen it will happen and me worrying changes nothing but makes my life hard.

I always fussed over DD and her career choices and now I just say nothing and keep my mouth shut and let her be, she is an adult after all. In fact it has been quite liberating.

ETA I still check in with both of them everyday just a good morning have a nice day which helps.

I always have a bit of worry at the back of my mind but it doesn't take over unless there's a imminent threat.

Oh gosh yes the worry over parents! And even grandparents. I'm sure mine have shaved several years off my life. And it's not even a choice like having kids is and you KNOW you'll lose them one day.

''There is, I think, a very strong rhetoric (and I think MN is particularly bad for it!) that the more anxious you are the more loving mother you are.''

I agree with this, and also a lot of codependency dressed as love. A lot of us need to cut the umbilical cord.

So very true.

Parenting is forever and a constant worry. They say that as a parent you are only ever as happy as your least happy child.
Some parents have a happy ending and others don't.
It never ends

'They say that as a parent you are only ever as happy as your least happy child.'

I wonder if this infantalises women a bit, and also sounds a bit codependent. Sometimes I wonder if these lines are trotted out to keep women caring and caring and caring.

Yes - I think one of the most helpful insights that I ever got in CBT was that by letting anxiety drive all my decisions and interactions, what I was actually constantly doing was prioritising my own comfort, and trying to stop myself feeling an unpleasant emotion. Recharacterizing it as actually very self-centred and self-focused really helped me because I think I was viewing it as essentially a moral good to constantly worry and that was stopping me from tackling it.

What did you expect? If you are never worried it’s not a good sign. Sounds like you’re doing a good job.

Wow. Interesting! You hit a nerve here!!

Interesting, is there a book? Or do I need a specialist? I need to work on this or I will grow older before I am due

I think I just be broken because I don’t constantly worry about my dc. I think about where they are and check with them (they are both teens). But I trust that they aren’t idiots and can call me if they need me. They are both pretty tame compared to me at the same age!

If somethings going on then it concerns me. But I don’t have constant anxiety about them.

Hmm, I only have a 2yo so far, but I wouldn't say I worry.

I take note of things that need attention and I do lots of actions that support nice things for him, but I wouldn't say I worry about anything I can control.

If ever I mention any of these things, my MIL (well-meaningly) tells me "don't worry about sleep/diet/development/whatever". But I'm not worrying. I'm just doing things I feel to be good and doing them in ways that make me happy too.

I still worry about my children and they are all adults now. I guess everyone is different l

Yes, we open ourselves to so much love but I didn't know how much of a burden some of that love is: the anxiety and fear for their well being and ability to thrive, and their personal safety when they grow older. The relative peace before having children.

@Boolabus i say that all the time. I’m only as happy as my least happy child. And I always tell people Thinking about having children of being constantly worried about different things for my children depending on their ages. Friends at school/sporting achievements/exam results/friends/ online activity/friends/driving/out at night/partners. You name it. There’s something to worry about the whole way through their life and mine. I just want them to be happy, and safe and healthy.

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis the worry will come. Right now they are yours in their entirety. Once you start to lose that when they go to school you’ll see it. Right now you are their everything. But soon they’ll need friends and teachers and others. And then you worry they’re liked and included and happy and so it starts.

Mine are 8 and 6. I spend no time worrying atm. I am, however, fucking permanently exhausted. Bone tired and sickly.

Mine are 13 and 16 and I don’t spend much time worrying about them. Ds regularly goes off on tram to watch his football team, and again it doesn’t fill me with any doom.

@FoxRedPuppy thats great for you. I don’t worry about their physical safety so much so being away at 16 on their own is fine. I worry that they’re doing well in life and have good relationships. It’s not a daily worry. Just times of worry and an underlying knowledge that if one of my children isn’t happy then neither will I be. What you’re describing is very different situational worry. And I might worry if it was my 13 yr old rather than the 16 going away on their own but maybe not if he did it frequently with friends and it was close to home or there was another adult. It very much depends on the situation. But I’m glad you don’t have those feelings about your children and can be relaxed whatever is going on with their lives. That’s really not me though.