ND girl who doesn't fit in

[January2026]

Sorry, long post.

DD (8) is ND, undiagnosed, but we and the school know she has some communication and social struggles. She is a tall and beautiful girl but she's very innocent, very literal and young in her thinking and behaviour. She's in a mainstream prep school (moved her from state as the large class and bad behaviour didn't suit her).

She's a bright girl, doing very well academically and super well behaved and kind at school. She's social and very hyper and lively outside the formal settings.

However, she never gets invited to any playdates or birthday parties, outside the class parties which aren't many. She is desperate for friends, life would be easier is she wasn't. She has played over the years with girls from her class and I have reached some of the parents for playdates but we got refused.

About 2 months ago I was talking to a few mums at a party, they have ND girls but who also have learning difficulties. They were very candid about their girls struggles and were telling me how kind my DD was and, because DD was sharing a desk with one of these girls at the time, she said how nice it was for DD to help her DD at different subjects without being snappy or 'nasty' (I think she had a bad experience with other girls before). And how nice it was to sit next to someone clever and quiet. DD also played with these girls a lot. Yet, a month later two of these girls had birthday parties with half the class going, DD wasn't invited. I felt really hurt. One day at collection, one of these girls walked out holding DD's hand and asked her mum if she can have a playdate with DD, to which the mum said 'not today darling' and that was it. I reached out to the mum to ask if her DD wants to come over for a playdate, she refused and never initiated one.

Then there are NT girls who just don't really connect with DD, they play sometimes but I think DD struggles to keep up with them. Again no playdates or party invitations. DD is starting to realise she is different but doesn't really know why. She mostly plays with younger girls now.

I feel like there arent many girls like DD in her school, they either have more complex ND with learning difficulties and/or bad behaviour or they are NT, super confident and clever socially, whether they are academic or not.

I'm heart-broken for DD. We tried connecting with other ND children outside school but DD always got bossed, pushed/hit or raged at, as they had more severe SEN, some were home schoolled. I had to stop meeting these children as it wasn't doing her any favours.

Can anyone relate to this? Where can I find kids who are just like DD? I'm sure there are thousands of girls and boys like DD but we don't seem to meet them where we are.

DD did meet a boy in Spain a few months ago, he was English and they met on the beach. They were the same age, were like twins in behaviour and looks and were wearing same coloured t-shirts, quite spooky. They played for hours (I talked to his mum and I suspect he's ND) and I was thinking what if she had a friend like that at home. (They live sadly in the North of England and we live in the South and it was just a holiday thing). Don't know why it's so difficult in England 😞.

Join some SEN clubs around you, plenty of places do them or even do soft play Sen sessions.

Bumping for you.

My niece who is autistic, my friends daughter who is autistic and has ADHD were really only friends with boys for a very long time, in fact honestly speaking I would say that’s still the case and they’re both well into adulthood. If you don’t want to move schools, what about Scouts or Woodcraft Folk for more mixed sex friendships?

This.

Mine played with boys until 9 or 10

I agree with the pp about mixed sex groups. My suspected ND girl plays almost exclusively with boys and enjoys Beavers (despite being the only girl). She tends to find social interactions with girls much trickier.

Does your DD have interests outside school she could pursue that might attract a broader range of children?

Thank you for your replies.

She just joined Brownies but don't think enjoys it very much, probably too girlie for her. She has played with 2 girls here and I organised a small Christmas party to which I.invited them and they were all playing really nicely, the girls were a pleasure to host. But we got nothing back after the party, the parents didn't seem very friendly or interested, I don't think it's the girls in this case.

This does sound heartbreaking, I feel for you. She’s really never had a friend? Have you spoken to the class teacher regularly about her friendship issues?

I would not worry about play dates for now - look for structured sociable groups like Brownies or a climbing club or an art class, something where she can chat and partner up so she can practice her social skills and gain friends outside school. Add in some extras like martial arts (we found a very relaxed class for dd1 age 16 and she has been going for 8 years, a big group of friends have stuck it out with her and she now has friends aged 12 through 19 which has been really nice for her).

I would also be heading out of private sector for secondary school and look for a really large comprehensive with a huge extra curricular programme and plenty of pastoral support. I don’t think the pressure and hot housing of the independent school will help. Her academic ability will carry her through - she needs to be amongst regular real people, I suspect.

Just keep going unless she’s really against it. Don’t worry about the lack of reciprocity - especially around Christmas, people have a lot on. I would do another play date end of January with the same girls. It’s fine for you to keep hosting! Eventually if the friendship sticks then you’ll get invitations back. And at least your dd has the fun of people playing with her

She has had friends over the years but one of them ended up bullying her severely, school had to get involved. That knocked her confidence a bit.

She has one friend outside school but they don't meet very often, she doesnt live here. She made a friend in the summer at summer camp but after a few playdates she's gone off DD, maybe she finds her too hyper, don't know. But that's over.

She had a few ND friends a while ago who ended up being horrible to her (I'm talking lashing out, screaming, saying things like 'do as you are told, or I'll stop being your friend'). DD is very naive and happy to follow other children's lead and so she ends up being mistreated.

Thank you for this. We did enjoy having the girls here, they were lovely and I don't mind hosting. So maybe we'll arrange something again soon.

I have a child with AuDHD who was at a prep.

even if the mums like you and your child at this age who goes to the parties is chosen by the child themselves. My DD didn’t get many invites.

we did parties for her. Also organised a lot of out of school activities that were not necessarily about socialising per se but did build up social skills - eg children’s choir on a Saturday, we did brownies (guides was less successful). She loved riding and the stables where we rode did horse care days and a summer week of horsey stuff which went down very well and again she got to know some of the other kids around the stables pretty well.

are you asking for play dates literally on the day as your DD walks out of school?

I would have had to say no to most “on the day” requests because we needed to go to swimming/brownies/whatever.

doing a more general request “Jane would like to have a play date could we talk about when is good?” Is more likely to be successful but also if parents don’t come back you do need to leave it.

Thank you. No, never on the day.

It was the girl who asked her mum if she can have a playdate with DD sometimes, to which the mum replied 'not today'.

I usually ask a week in advance as I know we are all busy.

This sounds very much like my child. Is your daughter girly? Mine struggled to connect with the girly girls as she couldn’t understand their social strategies etc, and was a victim of the bitchy girls because if this. Sporty girls and playing with the boys were her solace. Is she sporty? If so this could be a big area of refuge for her. Sporty girls are much more down to earth, esp in mixed sex sports. Scouts not brownies.

Private school was also a godsend. So many more ND children, those that like playing by the rules, behaving and studying hard are valued highly, which sounds like your daughter. Private schools can clamp down on classroom disruption in a way state can’t. I’d recommend mixed sex school though, not a girls school.

Thank you.

She isn't very girly but I don't think she is very sporty either, she's very capable at sport but not really interested in team games. She likes athletics for instance where you do your own thing.

She adores her school, she's got a very good relationship with her teachers so it was a good thing sending her to a prep school. It's just the girl socials that are getting us all down.

In term of friendships with boys, she only likes boys who aren't too boisterous. She used to have a class friends at her state school who was super bright and well behaved (I suspect he was ND too) but they left the country. She wasn't keen on most of the boys in her class.

Mines the same.
It was actually worse at prep than it is state school now. But both schools are perhaps too small!!
It's heartbreaking isn't it. We are in Gloucestershire. Doesn't sound like you are near but if you are happy to meet up!! Nice to hear we arnt alone! Maybe all these amazing girls across the country will find each other as adults! X

As @Falalalalaaaalalalalaaaa said, go for a very big comprehensive for secondary school, one with lots and lots of extra-curriculars and outstanding pastoral support (look up the Ofsted reports).

It is counter-intuitive, but in a large school she has more chance of finding her 'tribe', simply because of the numbers of children. There will be enough children to support a big variety of clubs at lunchtime or after school, e.g. chess club, art club, computer club, whatever her interests are.

Meanwhile, look for mixed-sex activities to enrol her in.

Thank you. We are sadly in SW London, otherwise I'd love to meet x

She goes to mixed sex holiday clubs during holidays and half terms and she used to play mostly with boys but lately she's only playing wjth girls as some of the boys were rude to her or just want to play football which she hates.

But I'm glad she mixes with boys, I do feel like she benefits from it.

Teach yourself first, then your DD that fitting in isn’t the aim. It’s ok to not do these things. Tap into her interests strongly as that’s what will make her the happiest. It’s hard when you think they should be doing X/Y/Z but if you reframe it in your mind (it took me until I was 45 to learn this about myself btw) that you don’t have to be or do the same it makes life much easier.

also be aware the reason some of the people with ND children are not inviting your DD is more likely to be about who and what their children can manage, and little to do with liking yours.

I totally agree with what you are saying. I don't care about fitting in, it's DD that is very sad about it and obviously it makes me sad too. I told her numerous times it's OK not to fit in, it's ok to play on your own sometimes or with kids from outside your class. But I know it's not that easy.

These girls are bragging about playdates, sleepovers, parties so it can't be easy for her.

I was a very different kind of girl, I was a lot more guarded and didn't care so much whether people liked me or not. But she's the total opposite and would put up with horrendous behaviour for the sake of having friends, hence she got bullied, mistreated etc.

I should also say, she doesn't seem interested in many things outside the academic stuff. All she wants to do in her free time is playdates with anyone that's willing to play with her or TV. It's extremely hard during holidays but at least she likes her holiday camps which are a god send.

What sort of ND are you saying she has as you mention social and communication- asd but also being hyper adhd?

Mine is audhd. In reception/y1 was friends with both boys and girls and when moved to boys vs girls she went with the boys. Sje finds girls correct her too much. They expect too much socially.
But now at secondary is stuck woth the girls and frankly its been pretty crap. One girl just enjoys bossing the others and pushing them out. Has her favourites and others not invited.
If yours moved later is she perhaps still the new kid?
Often parents invite the kids to things with the other parents they themselves are friends with.
my youngest moved friendships groups at 8 and has been struggling more with friends since but also im not in the parent group of those kids.

I completely disagree with the others about a big comprehensive. It has literally broken my 14yo. Yes its partly the friendship circle but also the boys! Wow so much worse than i expected. And the bullying for being ND. We’ve had 2 tutor groups now and both within 8w the bullying has started. And the teachers turn away from it. If you mention it it is ignored.

i agree that a small school can be an issue though. Personally even though mine gets along better with the boys the disruption etc isn’t necessarily worth it.
Also several couples from y7 age..

If yours is asd is she perhaps really rigid what she will play?

and who does she play with at school or at the parties?

Thank you for your input.

We moved her in summer term Reception, she's y3 now so not the new kid anymore. School suspects ASD, we think ASD and some ADHD, school don't see her hyper side at all and were shocked to hear that.

I agree, a big comprehensive would break her, we would like her to go to a medium sized school with good academics and not a lot of pressure for sport.

She isn't rigid in her play, she's quite open to all sorts of activities if she plays with someone, a bit too easy going I would say. She of course finds some things more fun than others but she would always join in.

At school and parties she plays with some girls whose parents refused playdates so I won't be asking again. These girls do seem to like her very much, they are ND themselves and struggle academically. One of them is quite hyper and loud at school but she's very kind and DD does like her too.

A neighbour with a nd daughter bought her a pony - it’s proved a great hobby and she now competes (age 9). I imagine the DM had ridden too.

That's wonderful to hear!

Other non-sporting activities where a ND child might thrive are those with a focus, which allows for talking without having to make eye contact. Embroidery / knitting, chess, jigsaws. My child’s school has clubs in all three of the above and they are v popular with my daughter and ND friends. I know the jigsaws club teacher too, it seems like an incredibly easy club to run!