ND girl who doesn't fit in

[January2026]

Sorry, long post.

DD (8) is ND, undiagnosed, but we and the school know she has some communication and social struggles. She is a tall and beautiful girl but she's very innocent, very literal and young in her thinking and behaviour. She's in a mainstream prep school (moved her from state as the large class and bad behaviour didn't suit her).

She's a bright girl, doing very well academically and super well behaved and kind at school. She's social and very hyper and lively outside the formal settings.

However, she never gets invited to any playdates or birthday parties, outside the class parties which aren't many. She is desperate for friends, life would be easier is she wasn't. She has played over the years with girls from her class and I have reached some of the parents for playdates but we got refused.

About 2 months ago I was talking to a few mums at a party, they have ND girls but who also have learning difficulties. They were very candid about their girls struggles and were telling me how kind my DD was and, because DD was sharing a desk with one of these girls at the time, she said how nice it was for DD to help her DD at different subjects without being snappy or 'nasty' (I think she had a bad experience with other girls before). And how nice it was to sit next to someone clever and quiet. DD also played with these girls a lot. Yet, a month later two of these girls had birthday parties with half the class going, DD wasn't invited. I felt really hurt. One day at collection, one of these girls walked out holding DD's hand and asked her mum if she can have a playdate with DD, to which the mum said 'not today darling' and that was it. I reached out to the mum to ask if her DD wants to come over for a playdate, she refused and never initiated one.

Then there are NT girls who just don't really connect with DD, they play sometimes but I think DD struggles to keep up with them. Again no playdates or party invitations. DD is starting to realise she is different but doesn't really know why. She mostly plays with younger girls now.

I feel like there arent many girls like DD in her school, they either have more complex ND with learning difficulties and/or bad behaviour or they are NT, super confident and clever socially, whether they are academic or not.

I'm heart-broken for DD. We tried connecting with other ND children outside school but DD always got bossed, pushed/hit or raged at, as they had more severe SEN, some were home schoolled. I had to stop meeting these children as it wasn't doing her any favours.

Can anyone relate to this? Where can I find kids who are just like DD? I'm sure there are thousands of girls and boys like DD but we don't seem to meet them where we are.

DD did meet a boy in Spain a few months ago, he was English and they met on the beach. They were the same age, were like twins in behaviour and looks and were wearing same coloured t-shirts, quite spooky. They played for hours (I talked to his mum and I suspect he's ND) and I was thinking what if she had a friend like that at home. (They live sadly in the North of England and we live in the South and it was just a holiday thing). Don't know why it's so difficult in England 😞.

Interesting, that's one of the only sports my DS will contemplate. Something about propriocentesis.

Yes, seconding, or thirding, horse riding, if she will give it a go.

You have to concentrate fairly hard unless you are a real natural, especially when you are being taught rather than riding out. There is always something practical (and pretty physical/busy) to do and to learn even when not riding, and you bond with the animals which can help if there are times when conversation is not bubbling over. I had social drawbacks such as you describe; I didn't ever even overcome the underlying fear I had of riding, but it was the one group that actually made me develop, even at points where the feeling of real friendliness dropped and then rose again.

It's also possible to go away for riding holidays around your teens where it's similar to a residential holiday camp and you have the same pony to look after all week as well - some of my friends begged to do this every year.

Lol, I just had a visceral disgust response to all that smiling and hugging....ugh! 😆

Hopefully she'll soon find some sane people who enjoy interacting in normal, sensible ways like mutual information dumping with minimal eye contact.

(Slightly tongue in cheek before I get jumped on!)

If it helps, I noticed that in years 7 and 8 the sexes at secondary school avoided each other as though they were radioactive, whereas as they matured mixed- sex friendships suddenly became acceptable again. DS1 is in Y11 and his best friend has been a girl for the last couple of years.

Thank you for your input. I agree with everything you said. I do find the school gate environment too clique-y and snooty too and I do agree that sometimes playdates at school are based on who the mums are friends with.

I'm glad to hear your DD has found great connections through activities she enjoys. Sounds very positive ❤️

Id try and get her into some sports that hyper/autistic girls might get involved with. I know as an adult climbing/bouldering attracts a very neurodiverse crowd and so does things like circus/acrobatics. Horses or something else with animals can also be great for girls like yours. Avoid things the 'cool' girls would do like gymnastics or netball.

@January2026
up to age 10 I would say adult friendships are the main factor in who gets play dates / invites.

My friend’s daughter is so shy (by her own admission) you can’t imagine her peers queuing up to invite her to stuff (she literally sits at the side with her mum at parties). But she gets ALL the invites because her parents are lovely, highly social, and were hugely proactive in integrating themselves with other families when their DD started school. (Like I think in the first month my friend contacted all the other parents individually and did a coffee etc)

The kids I have had round to play are ones where I like the parents. There’s a couple of kids I avoid inviting, one because I invited her once and she spent the whole play date asking for the iPad, another because she wanted “to have a toy fight” and throw toys around which just isn’t the vibe in our house and another because she’s a bit of a boundary-pusher but I don’t feel like her parents would be ok with me telling her off if that makes sense. Just a feeling I get. All quite minor reasons, but the bottom line is I invite the kids who are easy round!

oh and another kid I avoid is one where the mum is always asking for favours on the school WhatApp group and I suspect if I interact with her I’ll be getting asked for a lot of favours!

Oh and one where the mum just ignores everyone and I just don’t feel like I know her or that family at all.

My DD(8) sounds very similar to yours, OP. I
have been diagnosed as AuDHD as an adult and DD is waiting for assessments. She wants social contact all the time but often feels like she doesn’t fit in. It’s emotionally exhausting. She goes to a theatre group and Cubs, which she enjoys, but asks for play dates constantly. I feel your frustration and heartbreak and just wanted to send some solidarity. I’m trying to focus on building up her self esteem and finding activities she enjoys and trusting that the close friendships she craves will come with time, experience and maturity. But I am anticipating a bumpy road ahead through adolescence 😬

I also know that I was very similar as a child, had awful friendship experiences for many years, but found meaningful connections in my later teenage years (through special interests) and ever since have had rock solid, fabulous friendships, albeit I will always choose quality over quantity when it comes to friendships and socialising. These brilliant girls will eventually find people who cherish them for who they are, I’m sure, and who will honour their loyalty, enthusiasm and generosity, rather than use it against them. We have to keep optimistic for them and encourage them to lean into what makes them tick.

I love this! ❤️

Thank you for your input ❤️.

The constamt demand for socialising is absolutely draining and has, by far, been the most challenging part of my parenting journey 😔.

The constamt demand for socialising is absolutely draining and has, by far, been the most challenging part of my parenting journey

I relate @January2026

DD is aware some of her pals are having sleepovers and is desperate for a sleepover, but I just don’t feel like she has a close enough friend for that, I still don’t know the other kids or parents that well!

It's comforting to know we are not alone 😞💐

I second this. It would be nice if the parents wanted to facilitate meetings, value the friendship with your daughter etc but really, what is most important is that your daughter is happy and feels that she has friends.

Do you not also just feel that they are too young for sleepovers? I would not allow my child to sleep over in a friends house. I would be happy to have someone else's child sleep at ours but that also comes with risks.

My experience was that 8-10 is prime sleepover age. My teens go on sleepovers far less often now than they did at that age. Things have changed a lot since I was a kid!