ND girl who doesn't fit in

[January2026]

Sorry, long post.

DD (8) is ND, undiagnosed, but we and the school know she has some communication and social struggles. She is a tall and beautiful girl but she's very innocent, very literal and young in her thinking and behaviour. She's in a mainstream prep school (moved her from state as the large class and bad behaviour didn't suit her).

She's a bright girl, doing very well academically and super well behaved and kind at school. She's social and very hyper and lively outside the formal settings.

However, she never gets invited to any playdates or birthday parties, outside the class parties which aren't many. She is desperate for friends, life would be easier is she wasn't. She has played over the years with girls from her class and I have reached some of the parents for playdates but we got refused.

About 2 months ago I was talking to a few mums at a party, they have ND girls but who also have learning difficulties. They were very candid about their girls struggles and were telling me how kind my DD was and, because DD was sharing a desk with one of these girls at the time, she said how nice it was for DD to help her DD at different subjects without being snappy or 'nasty' (I think she had a bad experience with other girls before). And how nice it was to sit next to someone clever and quiet. DD also played with these girls a lot. Yet, a month later two of these girls had birthday parties with half the class going, DD wasn't invited. I felt really hurt. One day at collection, one of these girls walked out holding DD's hand and asked her mum if she can have a playdate with DD, to which the mum said 'not today darling' and that was it. I reached out to the mum to ask if her DD wants to come over for a playdate, she refused and never initiated one.

Then there are NT girls who just don't really connect with DD, they play sometimes but I think DD struggles to keep up with them. Again no playdates or party invitations. DD is starting to realise she is different but doesn't really know why. She mostly plays with younger girls now.

I feel like there arent many girls like DD in her school, they either have more complex ND with learning difficulties and/or bad behaviour or they are NT, super confident and clever socially, whether they are academic or not.

I'm heart-broken for DD. We tried connecting with other ND children outside school but DD always got bossed, pushed/hit or raged at, as they had more severe SEN, some were home schoolled. I had to stop meeting these children as it wasn't doing her any favours.

Can anyone relate to this? Where can I find kids who are just like DD? I'm sure there are thousands of girls and boys like DD but we don't seem to meet them where we are.

DD did meet a boy in Spain a few months ago, he was English and they met on the beach. They were the same age, were like twins in behaviour and looks and were wearing same coloured t-shirts, quite spooky. They played for hours (I talked to his mum and I suspect he's ND) and I was thinking what if she had a friend like that at home. (They live sadly in the North of England and we live in the South and it was just a holiday thing). Don't know why it's so difficult in England 😞.

I also disagree with that, and I think @Stompythedinosaurmade very good points. Also, I don't see how your comments are helpful to the OP.

The OP is clearly attentive to the specific needs and traits of her DD, and looking for suggestions that may work with this specific individual. As I said, having the "autistic traits" of my DS validated by professionals was very helpful, and I don't care if Internet strangers think that he (or I, for that matter) is "autistic enough".

He had specific needs and traits and we dealt with them. We didn't pretend "everybody has it".

My daughter is has autism and inattentive ADHD and struggled with friendships at primary but things have got easier as she has grown and found her niche (now 14).

She sounds like my DD1 (now 16). She’s adopted and has probable FASD and is awaiting an ND assessment. (She has been described in a private assessment as being likely to have FASD and has traits of autism and ADHD.

Like the OP’s DD, she had very few play dates (apart from with neighbours along with DD2, who was always more popular back then). Unlike DD2, she had very few party invitations either. But then she found that she got on better with children who are a couple of years younger than she is, and now as a result has a nice friendship group. But it was such a long haul and there was a lot of hurt along the way.

I also wouldn’t recommend a big comprehensive, OP; DD1 couldn’t cope at all, and is now at a specialist college, where she’s thriving.

Thank you for sharing your experience, that's very helpful. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this journey as I sometimes feel very lonely and helpless and it's impacting my mental health.

I only wish she didn't need so much interaction, it really stresses me out.

Thank you for sharing, I'm so happy to hear your DD is doing well now, there is hope ❤️

Aw I feel for you and your DD. What are your daughter's interests? I would get her involved in some clubs linked with that? Or try her with something new that you think she might enjoy. It's hard to make friends so role play at home, stories to read together about friends, and keep being you and asking for those playdates.

Has she tried climbing? Solo if she wants to be, but with options of clubs working in pairs or bigger groups. IME (with a ND son) a nice accepting crowd

You’re very welcome. Yes, she’s doing well, though she’s recently been diagnosed with epilepsy. But she’s happy now, which is lovely to see. She was actually badly bullied during year 11 at high school.

But yes, there’s definitely hope for your DD, she sounds lovely and I’m sure she will find her tribe like my DD did.

With any child, or indeed adult, there's a matter of luck in finding people they click with.
If someone is easy to get on with/flexible then the chance of finding someone they get on well with increases - but it isn't always the case.

For two of mine clubs were an easier place to make friends. However the one who made a really strong friendship group, who keep up since they've left school is the one who is ND. I would say that they just happened to be lucky to find a group that gelled over an interest and that blossomed into a bigger friendship.

But for the ones who didn't find school friends particularly, having out of school friends made a huge difference.

People are busy and shit at communication these days. I think asking a second time is absolutely fine, just leave a month or so between asking the same parent. It’s worth a try.

Hmm, reading about your daughter I wondered about a youth theatre - a proper one with a structured programme? I’m thinking lots and lots of interaction, a range of people to spend time with many of whom won’t be typical in any way, and drama really helps illustrate and explain relationships to all of us.

I just checked the social media posts of her school, it's their first day back to school, and there were loads of pics from the playground, groups of 2, 3, 4 girls all together, hugging, smiling, and then a pic of DD all on her own, with no one around, trying to pick up some snow from the ground. It's heartbreaking and I can tell DD is trying to mask tonight the fact that she felt a little lonely.

Sorry if I haven't answered all the questions. She doesn't have a sibling, if she did she would probably be so desperate for playdates.

She did piano for a while but hated practicing and so we stopped after 2 years, until she's ready.

• I meant she wouldn't be so desperate

Thank you for your input. Sorry, what is the difference between a youth theatre and a regular drama class?

I could have written this word for word.

DD is exceptionally bright and overachieving but part of a small one entry year group and DD had nothing in common with any of the girls who were into pink and sparkly things. Playdates were refused constantly and she never got invited to parties. It was pretty crap. School did nothing to help because what 8 year old girl who lives in the country and has horses isn't into unicorns 🙄.

DD wasn't sporty either.

As she got older she really distanced herself from the girls in her class - she thought their social interactions were manipulative and hated the fact they expected her to be interested in things they liked with little reciprocity. In the end, she figured she was better off not being a part of it (which actually has been really sensible given all the friendship groups are imploding now hormones have hit).

In terms of friends in her class, she's very interested in coding and Lego and has found common interests with some of the more "non sporty boys". They all play chess together and have done public speaking competitions etc. Her friendships are wholly based on structured activities and mutual common interests.

Music is her big love and she plays 4 orchestral instruments. That has been her major source of friends with mutual interests - summer holiday clubs, orchestra and weekend groups. It's wonderful to see (and not going to lie, a lot of the kids who attend are also ND).

That's so wonderful to hear! It gives me so much hope. Hope your DD will continue to thrive ❤️

My youngest is 7, to say shes a tomboy is an understatement, there is absolutely nothing remotely feminine about her and shes never fit in with other girls

She has extreme behavioural issues and no longer goes to school because we had a lot of concerns about the local one, the boys there (its a rough area where a lot of parents encourage bad behaviour like swearing, violence, bulliyng. So a lot of their bad behaviour rubbed off on her), and we felt like the teachers werent taking our concerns seriously.

Shes very sporty but she also loves her lego (especially the cars and star wars), she really focuses when she gets stuck into them with her dad. But shes also very lonely right now. Id love for her to meet other girls who arent the 'girly girl' sort but shes so boisterous and black and white in her thinking she only wants to play with boys, every time i suggested girls sporting clubs to her she just says she wants to play with the boys

Came on to send hugs. Heartbreaking read. My DD is autistic and struggles so much with friendships. We’ve seen unkindness first hand since she was about 7, the sniggering behind her back, the lack of fair play in a dodgeball game all while parents of apparent little angels watched on 😢😢😢 ( I’m actually crying thinking about it ) We joined a local autism activity offer but she’s either between ages or won’t do the activities on offer. It might be work looking at Autism inclusion (or equivalent in your area)

My ND daughter is very much like this, is honestly the kindest person I know! Brave for puberty though as my daughters sensitivity is one of the most beautiful things about her..... however it is such a hindrance as she feels so deeply and gets really upset very easily.
Primary school wasn't too bad regarding friends as there was a couple more kids like her, secondary school on the other hand is a whole different ball game. She is now 12 amd year 8 and has really rrally struggled. It took her nearly an entire year to make 1 friend, she is alot better amd comfortable atound boys than girls.
I think all you can do is try amd bring to clubs, I take mine to scouts. She is attached to hwr sister there, and won't let me leave the building (thankfully they have another room with no kids i can go and wait in) but as time has gone on she comes to find me less and less

I'd really recommend drama / dance / singing - I have loads of ND students who have thrived in drama and found friends.

My great niece struggled socially due to ASD, however she also, through school, got into horse riding, she eventually did 3 days at school and 2 days at stables and is thriving, she has a group of friends who also go to the stables, and she is hoping to get an apprenticeship there when she leaves school. Might be something worth trying

When my children were in the play date stage of life I was as concerned with the family of any child they might ask to go to the house of as I was with the child . There were some friends where the child was perfectly nice , and I was very happy to have the child at my house, but there was no chance I'd let my child go to their house.

This is very intense. If I'd met a child who behaved like then when I was young I'd have felt extremely uncomfortable. As an adult I don't like people who are ' full on' from the start. You know your daughter is lovely and has the best of intentions but it would have completely freaked me out tbh. If I was with my grandchildren and a child approached and behaved in this way I'm afraid neither of them would be comfortable with it and we'd make an excuse to leave.

I feel for you. Your daughter sounds lovely and it reads like she actually gets on with the girls in her class. I wonder if the hesitation might actually come from the parents of other girls? Certain behavioural things such as being very active might feel more full on in a confined space. Or it can even be a random thing like being picky about food. Not saying she’s any of these but I can share these things make me prefer to host some girls over others.

Perhaps suggest a casual, outside of home play date such as an hour after school at a local park? I find that helpful to accommodate friends my daughter enjoys playing with but I don’t feel comfortable hosting for whatever reason.

I strongly agree about encouraging interests out of school.

My dd (year 3) doesn’t get invited to parties / play dates from school classmates .

I suspect in our case that’s because half of the mums seem quite clique-y and I am not in the clique (because I don’t like going out and drinking huge amounts of wine) and the other half of the mums are just a bit rubbish and disorganised (harsh but true) . So probably nothing personal …..but who knows?!

My DD is also quite full on - e.g approaches random kids in parks all the time, and talks a lot. So maybe not everyone’s cup of tea.

Anyway this past year I have focussed on out of school relationships. I’ve found DD plays nicely with the kids from our road (mixed sex, mixed ages between 3-10) so I’ve arranged a few meet ups.

DD also does horse riding & paddleboarding (paddleboarding just in summer!) which she LOVES and has made connections there.

I think having a life and interests of her own outside school has been hugely positive and her classmates are no longer the be-all-and-end-all.

I also talk to her a lot about how we won’t make friends with everyone in life and that is fine.

I am mid-40s and only met one of my closest friends at 40, we just met and clicked. We are both people other people might think are a bit odd tbh! (I think we’re both fantastic though)!

Best of luck op. You and your DD sound lovely.

I agree with that. DS (currently year 6) has has very few play dates since he moved school (he used to go to a laid back, hippyish school with loads of ND kids, but for practical reasons I moved him to the school 100m away from home. He's shining academically, but socially it's not great).

I understand that part of this is my face not fitting with the parents in his new class though! Which is crucial I think at primary age- so often who your child plays with depends on how you get on with the other parents.

He does go to Scouts though and absolutely loves it- structured socialising is great for autistic people (I prefer it myself!). Certainly a lot of the older Scouts are/ seem to be on the spectrum. This has the additional benefit that when he goes to secondary in September he will have friends in older year groups to look out for him.