ND girl who doesn't fit in

[January2026]

Sorry, long post.

DD (8) is ND, undiagnosed, but we and the school know she has some communication and social struggles. She is a tall and beautiful girl but she's very innocent, very literal and young in her thinking and behaviour. She's in a mainstream prep school (moved her from state as the large class and bad behaviour didn't suit her).

She's a bright girl, doing very well academically and super well behaved and kind at school. She's social and very hyper and lively outside the formal settings.

However, she never gets invited to any playdates or birthday parties, outside the class parties which aren't many. She is desperate for friends, life would be easier is she wasn't. She has played over the years with girls from her class and I have reached some of the parents for playdates but we got refused.

About 2 months ago I was talking to a few mums at a party, they have ND girls but who also have learning difficulties. They were very candid about their girls struggles and were telling me how kind my DD was and, because DD was sharing a desk with one of these girls at the time, she said how nice it was for DD to help her DD at different subjects without being snappy or 'nasty' (I think she had a bad experience with other girls before). And how nice it was to sit next to someone clever and quiet. DD also played with these girls a lot. Yet, a month later two of these girls had birthday parties with half the class going, DD wasn't invited. I felt really hurt. One day at collection, one of these girls walked out holding DD's hand and asked her mum if she can have a playdate with DD, to which the mum said 'not today darling' and that was it. I reached out to the mum to ask if her DD wants to come over for a playdate, she refused and never initiated one.

Then there are NT girls who just don't really connect with DD, they play sometimes but I think DD struggles to keep up with them. Again no playdates or party invitations. DD is starting to realise she is different but doesn't really know why. She mostly plays with younger girls now.

I feel like there arent many girls like DD in her school, they either have more complex ND with learning difficulties and/or bad behaviour or they are NT, super confident and clever socially, whether they are academic or not.

I'm heart-broken for DD. We tried connecting with other ND children outside school but DD always got bossed, pushed/hit or raged at, as they had more severe SEN, some were home schoolled. I had to stop meeting these children as it wasn't doing her any favours.

Can anyone relate to this? Where can I find kids who are just like DD? I'm sure there are thousands of girls and boys like DD but we don't seem to meet them where we are.

DD did meet a boy in Spain a few months ago, he was English and they met on the beach. They were the same age, were like twins in behaviour and looks and were wearing same coloured t-shirts, quite spooky. They played for hours (I talked to his mum and I suspect he's ND) and I was thinking what if she had a friend like that at home. (They live sadly in the North of England and we live in the South and it was just a holiday thing). Don't know why it's so difficult in England 😞.

Is there counselling available for nd children.
I’m over 60 and recently diagnosed ND, I still don’t know what I do wrong but people definitely avoid me. Perhaps counselling a decade or 5 ago might have helped.

but having a skill -sport, art,dance would help . I was very left out early 20s as I could hardly swim,dive,run,play tennis,squash etc

Sorry to hear that. I understand there are huge waiting lists for child mental health services so nothing available at the moment, but will definitely try to access it when she's older. Plus hoping she'll get a diagnosis before going into secondary. NHS don't think her struggles are severe enough for a diagnosis at the moment so she's not even on a waiting list.

She does do activities, she can swim, ride a bike does gymnastics etc.

I just remembered that DD went to a holiday camp at the end of Dec and she's played with a girl there, a camp friend from last summer. Her dad helps with the camp and when I went to pick her up, he said his DD and my DD asked him if they can have a playdate and he said he's happy to share his phone number. We exchanged numbers and last Thu I messaged him asking if his daughter would like to come for a playdate on Sun (2 days ago) or this coming weekend. He never replied.

I'm so used to it now.

My experience as a mum of an nd dd are:

Speak to the teacher about supporting friendships and pairing your dd up with likely other dc.

Support friendships with younger dc. Invite them for playdates and don't worry if it isn't reciprocated.

If a dc comes for a playdate, bend over backwards to make sure it goes well. Plan activities, stay aware of whether the dc are getting on and step in early, don't expect to be able to relax.

You might have more luck with special interest groups than specific nd groups. My dd is a bit older but she's met friends through a jellyfish keeper group and a cosplay group who are similar to her and she gets on with well. She finds socialising much easier with a topic in common to talk about.

Thank you, that's very helpful.

Your daughter sounds quite like my DD12 and I don’t have the answer. We’re only just starting to consider diagnosis but I think we may end up in a similar position to you in that the NHS will think her difficulties aren’t significant enough.

She’s found secondary school slightly better for meeting a wider range of people and all the different clubs they offer provide a more structured way of meeting new people. I agree with a previous poster who suggested worrying less about finding friends and instead follow her interests in the hope that friends will follow. This has been the case for us to some extent.

Instead of brownies, art or sporty things, why don't you introduce her to places where other "intelligent, quiet and ND" kids might be? Does she have niche interests? Like insects, trains, linguistics, astronomy, history, etc? Take her to places related to these things, holiday clubs in museums, history groups, whatever. (You're in London, there are so many options! Don't focus on the school kids). She has to find her place and her people, and the more options you present to her, the more chances she'll have. (I'm very familiar with this process, my siblings and I went through it, the father of my kids also, and my kids are going through it right now. We all ended up finding our places, some earlier some later).

That's very interesting and helpful.

I have been telling DD that I met my best friends in secondary, though in my country we went to secondary at age 14. Until then we were studying really hard as we had to pass exams to go to the secondary of our choice so there wasn't much time for friendships up to that point.

But she has her own mind and can't ignore the fact that most girls have lots of playdates and now the new trend since they turned 8, sleepovers. I understand it's hard, I never had those pressures when I grew up or I don't remember caring about them at all.

Thank you.

She loves science and watching science shows. We've been members of a science centre and planetarium (the Winchester one) and she knows a lot about space. We've been going there every 2 months. I'll look for other science related activities near to home, she is starting a science club at her school this week.

Prep schools are often more snooty than mainstream, bullying/bad behaviour still happens there it's more covert and behind the scenes.

Just because your daughter is shy, academic and doesn't fit in with her classmates doesn't mean she's ND. None of the things youve described scream ND to me, she sounds like an ordinary girl, maybe a bit on the introverted side but she sounds a delight

Science activities sound great, and maybe also events if you can find them. Even if she doesn't make friends, seeing other children "like her" will probably make her feel less different. You can also talk to the teachers at school. They may have suggestions (no idea how good the teachers are, my experience with schools in London was not the best). With my kids, I notice there are always some teachers who are very fond of them (and these will love to help and suggest things) and others who don't connect or get annoyed by the many questions they ask.

She is ND, she isn't shy, she's quiet and well behaved in the classroom but very loud outside school. She talks a little too much not knowing when people lose interest and is time to move on, obsesses about things, is very literal and young in her thinking and doesn't really understand typical interactions. She started having sleeping problems a few months ago and is on melatonin prescribed by a pediatrician and the GP can't give her without a diagnosis.

She's got other quirks too but is very functional and loves school and people.

The school have seen thousands of girls and I trust they know what they are talking about.

Has she tried an instrument? May be helpful to have an orchestral instrument that is easyish to manage (like flute) for later on as it means socialising is simpler and most of the kids in orchestras/choirs are well behaved. I would start thinking now about hobbies to carry her through the teen years.
Does she have siblings? Does she have a pet like a dog?
I also would not worry about playing with younger children if you have eg a friendly neighbour.

I second the instrument idea - playing in orchestras and singing in choirs pretty much got my ND husband through adolescence and young adulthood.

How do you know for certain shes ND then if shes not diagnosed with anything?

Im not saying she isnt, she COULD be, there do sound like certain autistic traits there, but there are also a lot of girls with these personalities who are neurotypical

What difference does it make if she's "NT with autistic traits"? That was precisely the conclusion of the experts of the neuropediatrics department of St Thomas hospital about my DS. (They didn't say "NT" but said he had autistic traits, not necessarily autistic). It was very useful to have my concerns validated and with the experts report we could make accommodations for his "traits".

Of course, there is no certainty at the moment. But the school are treating her as if she is, so they sit her with quieter girls, gave her some social support last year when some girls were being rude to her and she was anxious and so on.

My son struggles with exactly the same issues. He's 11, just transitioned to secondary and was diagnosed with ASD at the end of last term. I very much recognise the rigidity and it can make interaction with peers difficult.

We have a helpful report listing various avenues of support. If you want to DM me, I'll happily send the links and reading recommendations from there.

It's tough, and my heart goes out to you.

Because we ALL have autistic traits to some degree. Some of us dont like socialising with certain people. Some of us fall for mind games more easily than others. Some of us might have weird interests or a silly sense of humour.

Autism is when you have enough of those oddities according to some criteria where its obvious to a doctor that they do think differently and can form a proper diagnosis.

I don't think this is correct.

A common misunderstanding is that when we say autism is a spectrum disorder it means we are all on a linear spectrum of less autistic to more autistic. But that isn't correct.

It's a spectrum disorder because there are a variety of features which can all be more or less present, meaning that different people who all have autism may all present quite differently.

The reason we are trying to move away from the idea that "everyone has autistic traits", is that it trivialises the experience of people with autism.

Hi op, your dd sounds lovely! There's a group in our nearest town that I think is affiliated with the Daisy Chain Project, they run a weekly group for tween / teen girls, might be an idea seeing if there's something near you, this one is quite crafty and they seem to take along things they are working on and chat.

Is there a reason she/you desperately want to go on playdates?
My NT children (age 9 and 11) don't do playdates.
You mention she does activities outside of school so can you talk to her about that being enough and that she enjoys doing these and at school it sounds like she does get on with other children (just not having a best friend which isn't that uncommon).

Thank you, I'll check that out near us. Sounds great.

She's always been like that. I honestly envy those kids who are happy to stay home, do crafts, drawing etc. I was more like that.

DD used to latch onto other children in playgrounds since she was very little and to some extent is still like that. Always approaches other children and wants to play wIth them. Sometimes they are interested, sometimes not.

Holidays are a nightmare as she wakes up and first thing she asks where are we going/what are we doing today? Can we have a play date? Luckily she likes some of the camps and spends her school holidays there.

My daughter is has autism and inattentive ADHD and struggled with friendships at primary but things have got easier as she has grown and found her niche (now 14).

My biggest recommendation (and others have already said it) is to try and tap into some extracurricular interest. This is great for autistic girls because they get to interact in a time limited way, with structure around a shared interest. It's so much easier.

My daughter does a niche sport as she not traditionally sporty, does music and does cadets. She has developed very close friendships in each of these areas. Her best friend is from her sport and it works so well. It's the type of sport with a fair bit of parent support so I've got to know the mum well and we can help manage the relationship a bit and they have lots of sleepovers and get togethers but they go to a different school so dd does not have to manage group dynamics in the same way and if school is tricky she always has her friend.

You have to find something that genuinely really interests her, which means trying ALOT of things. This is challenging because autistic people tend not to like new things. I shamelessly used bribery. It only works if they genuinely love it because then the people they meet also love it and then socialising is so much easier.....always something to talk about.

My daughter isn't a horse rider but horse riding is a good call. If you are a horsey girl... You will have a crew!