Patience going with immature friend

[Spaghettihoops2026]

I have a group of about 5 friends who have all been friends for 20 years plus.

One of them has always been immature but over the past year it has for some reason really started to grate on me. We all turned 40 this year. The more the group grows up and moves to new stages of life the worse this one friend gets, but this week they did something that disgusted me so much I no longer know if I want to continue the friendship.

Examples of behaviour, but this behaviour is constant:

. We have a group chat for general catch up/ meet up arrangements/ kids birthday reminders etc. They text all day on chat then gets annoyed when people don't respond because we are at work.
. Whenever a serious conversation is being had ie: another friend was having some cells removed after a smear test and this friend in between our conversation with the others was saying things like 'ewwww you have to let someone up your vagina'
. Whenever anyone reaches a landmark- buying a house/ having a kid/ getting a promotion they change the subject back to themselves and start saying we are all conformists.
. I said the other day I was going to the garden centre and they started just repeatedly sending pictures of OAPs to my phone.
. Another one of our group befriended a single mum from school and bought her out for dinner and when she got home text my friend a genuinely lovely message saying how amazing it is we have a friend with learning difficulties, it gives her hope for her daughter. The immature friend has no learning difficulties.
. Had a tantrum two of the girls in the group went for drinks together and didn't invite the rest of us.
. I just took my youngest daughter to college open day and said friend spent the entirety of it texting me saying she needed urgent help until I left the room to call her and she went JOKING and hung up.

Typing this out it sounds insane, but it has unfortunately been normalised over 20 plus years, until now.

They live at home still, have a job which they keep being offered promotions in but won't take.

Half of the people that meet this person find them endearing in an entertaining way as it's like having a bouncy toddler around, the other half ask how we are friends.

This week she had a tantrum at a family members funeral because she wanted to cut a cake early, resulting in her mum crying.

I guess I'm looking for permission to end the friendship without sounding like a jumped up cow but I have had enough. I want to live my adult life with my adult friends.

Have you tried reading the OP's posts?

Give it a go!

If she was your husband or wife, you would deal with the issue head on, and depending how she reacted, leave her if you still weren't happy.

A friendship is no different. Healthy relationships need to serve both parties - yes, there'll be times when one party takes more than they can give at that time, and yes, even the best of friends can be FUCKING ANNOYING - but in the round, you both need to be into it.

You are not into it. So don't think twice about cutting her out of your life.

She sounds extremely annoying.

I used to know a chap like this and honestly, I don't think it was anything other than he had to be centre of attention with the best of everything. If anyone had something perceived to be better he'd run it down or tell everyone his was better.

eg. Someone had just moved into a new house. All they had said was there was a spare bedroom. He spent the evening telling everyone how his house was bigger. It wasn't.

I remember a particular time when he was talking about his cousin's wedding. He'd worked out where they were staying for the first night before they went off on honeymoon, and booked there (not where they'd had the wedding breakfast), and went down for breakfast and joined them at their table in the morning.
He thought this showed how wonderfully amazing he was and he'd given his cousin and wife a real treat by gracing them with his presence.

Those were the sort of things that everyone cringed at his behaviour and no one ever picked him up on it, so he thought everyone approved. I came across someone who knew him last year - I haven't seen him for 20 years now. Their comment was "why didn't his parents tell him how to behave" which is really the issue. No one has told him that his behaviour isn't adoringly cute, so he thinks everyone is in raptures when he recounts this sort of thing.

She sounds utterly appalling and I'm not surprised you've had enough. She might have been mildly amusing when you were all 20, but at 40 ish it's just tedious.
The part about her calling you all conformists for buying houses, having kids etc really resonated with me - I have a family member who says similar things, as well as the rest of us being zombies, slaves to the system etc. It's all to make them feel better about being 50+ and not having a decent job, not owning a home and so on. We've never called this person out on not owning a house, not having a good job etc, yet they think it's fine to say the things they say to us.
Just obnoxious.

Autism isn't exactly the same for everyone.

I'm autistic and don't behave like that.

Well, exactly,.

Exactly this. I am autistic too but would like to think I don’t act like a twat. I can be a little immature sometimes but I lead a pretty normal life.

Like neurotypical’s, neurodiverse people can be twats too.

People are not diagnosing based on her being a twat, they are basing it on the other info given, the fact she still lives with her parents, hasn’t got a partner/husband or her own family, she sounds very immature and struggles with what’s acceptable when it comes to socialising. Though it makes no difference to OP if she is or not because no one has to be friends with someone just because they are autistic.

OP should just not be friends with her rather than moaning about her online. We all have a choice who we socialise with.

Its really depressing on MN that so many people will trot out that it must be ND or MH when someone behaves this way. Sometimes people are just immature or jerks. It sounds like she has been spoiled and indulged for her entire life, and has resisted anything which would make her take on more responsibility. There was a woman like this in a group I belonged to - found herself adorable and expected every one else to as well. And got quite nasty if that did not happen. Do you think she winds you up in particular? Some people love to get a reaction from others.

I would step back. Be honest if she asks why.

Possible borderline personality disorder?

Thing is even if she does have a cast iron diagnosis would that actually change anything? Would the op and others then be obliged to spend their precious energy on and hang out with her because she actually has BPD/ autistic diagnosis/ learning difficulties delete as applicable?

Why she's like this isn't the issue, if the Op's finally had enough of her then she's free to drop her regardless.

Don't you get sick of people trotting out the have they got autism? Sometimes people are just immature arseholes.
Same as old people who are being a dick dementia is always mentioned.
I would have let her drop after the college incident.

Yes!!

Just reading what she does is giving me a headache, there's nothing positive she brings to your life, if block with no hesitation

The examples here, from both the OP and other posters, resonate strongly with me and how one ex “friend” used to behave.

The claims that I and others were buying into some kind of “system” and the “myth” of corporate success. She started sharing articles from people saying they had “turned their back on the notion of a career” and claiming this was exactly what she was doing; finally there were people who understood! (What she’d actually done was gone on long term sick leave, then refused to go back to work because she found it too much, before rejecting anything she thought was below her lofty standards when she finally got skint).

The obsession with bringing up the past and turning it into a present day drama. I was moving cities a few years ago and she’d messaged saying “Bumped into Robert. I suggested a reconciliation before you left. He didn’t seem keen, ha ha!!” I honestly couldn’t remember who he was at first (former FWB I always called Rob).

The apologies that actually made it my fault. On the last of these (many) occasions, she’d apologised for something that had been festering - but by the next time I saw her, it was my fault for even bringing it up, “especially when I’d just had an operation!” (She’d had a routine biopsy.)

I honestly felt so free when she was gone. People ask, as they have with the OP, why I put it with it for so long, but it becomes a toxic cycle, where the supposed friendship lasts longer precisely because of how long it’s lasted. I’m seeing this happening here too, with the added complication of this woman being part of a long-term wider friendship group.

The “Is she or isn’t she ND?” debate is a red herring really. The fact is that this so-called friend isn’t prepared to accept anything is wrong, and just wants to blame OP and her friends. Unless that changes - and there are no signs it will - the friendship is dead in the water.

This is no reason to keep her as a friend - I would only say after all these years of friendship she would appreciate being explained to what she is doing wrong. She’s unlikely to realise what a plonker she’s been - if you ghost her and she does not understand what had happened you could literally ruin her for life … can you imagine after 20 years of close friendship your friends suddenly cast you out?

I know you probably think you’re encouraging kindness towards the “friend” here. But what you’re actually advocating would be very UNkind to the OP. You’re putting the onus entirely on her to make this as painless as possible. “You could literally ruin her life” is ridiculously hyperbolic, and the OP and her friends would not be “suddenly casting her out”. OP has made it clear that this is a long-term problem, and that she and her friends have raised issues before. Maybe it’s time that a 40+ woman started taking responsibility as an adult.

I wish people would stop trying to excuse bad behaviour with the suggestion of neurodivergence.

IF she is, it's an underlying reason perhaps but NOT an excuse. Her friends have spoken to her lots and she doesnt change, she's performing well at work, etc. Whether she is ND or LD or not is irrelevant really.

OP I'd just call it a day, explain why, and block.

I was going to say something like this. The OP is this woman’s friend, not her parent or therapist.

Friends are people you have a nice time with and who you leave feeling better about yourself and the world. This isn’t what is happening so it isn’t working for the OP.

Whether or not you give a reason is up to you. I’d probably say (if asked) that you just didn’t think you were giving each other what you needed.

I’m confused by this woman’s lifestyle, I read the post a couple of times and then your updates. Is she childless and single, and you’re all married with kids? That’s a major difference in life stages at 40 and does hamper a lot of friendships. I also think she sounds severely socially awkward and jealous of you all for having a stable functioning life hence why she’s so desperate for attention.

She sounds a lot like a girl my teenage DD befriended last year. She was from an unstable home and really clung onto DD and wouldn’t leave her alone. She also said outlandish things that made DD uncomfortable. She was just really sad and desperate for attention. Difference is they’re 14, not 40. Your friend needs professional help.

One could equally express the wish that people would stop trying to label abnormal behaviour as bad. That is a matter of interpretation.

I’d say primarily this is very strange behaviour for an adult - far outside of social norms - so unusual as to be striking. This lady lives at home, can’t hold down a relationship, can hold down a job but not progress in it. It seems odd to me that in 20 years OP and her friends have not questioned this more thoroughly.

It may be that the mother of the learning disabled child was spot on in identifying the problem. There may be ASD in the mix. There may be a serious mental health condition like a personality disorder.

When a person’s challenges affect both work and intimate relationships - that’s a sign the level of dysfunction is serious.

Absolutely no obligation for OP or any of her friends to deal with someone as dysfunctional as this. But also no reason to demonise them.

I thought this was a guy from the comment about the smear test, I assume she's never had one herself. I would definitely distance myself.

Agree. I think the behaviour very clearly points to something being out of the ordinary, whether MH issues or ND. It is a fact that many ND people struggle immensely socially and sometimes their behaviour is regarded as odd or rude by others, especially if they don’t know of the diagnosis. Things like not picking up on social cues, having “tantrums” over small issues, making inappropriate jokes, are all things that many ND people experience. For instance, my uncle who is ND cannot let others get a word in edgewise. He will talk at people, he will interrupt, he will look bored or even wander off when they are talking, he won’t ask any questions or show any interest in the other person. People have said how rude and inconsiderate he is but it’s 100% his autism.

The bits that fit less are the weird practical jokes but even there that could be MH issues. The OP seems intent on labelling this person as just rude and immature but this behaviour would be out of sorts for any adult and especially someone in their 40s. She doesn’t have to be friends with this woman and indeed something else many with autism experience is having no friends or having difficulty maintaining friendships.

Has anyone ever challenged her inappropriate and immature comments as they happened eg: the vagina comment?
Or has she just been allowed to go unchallenged ?

Sounds like an annoying arsehole. How do others in the group feel? Life is too short to put up with this sort of crap!

Sounds like she is undiagnosed. Him indoors has ADHD and is undiagnosed ASD, and he is emotionally immature. He gets jealous when others are doing better and projects it like your friend does with ridiculous statements. It's very tiring, and draining, to the point our relationship is on the rocks. I couldn't imagine having a friend like it - they would have been dropped years ago - not because of being ND, but because of the behaviour that they choose not to change.

"I remember a particular time when he was talking about his cousin's wedding. He'd worked out where they were staying for the first night before they went off on honeymoon, and booked there (not where they'd had the wedding breakfast), and went down for breakfast and joined them at their table in the morning.
He thought this showed how wonderfully amazing he was and he'd given his cousin and wife a real treat by gracing them with his presence."

Oh dear God @MargaretThursday ! I cringed so hard at this I turned myself inside out. Who does this?!