Patience going with immature friend

[Spaghettihoops2026]

I have a group of about 5 friends who have all been friends for 20 years plus.

One of them has always been immature but over the past year it has for some reason really started to grate on me. We all turned 40 this year. The more the group grows up and moves to new stages of life the worse this one friend gets, but this week they did something that disgusted me so much I no longer know if I want to continue the friendship.

Examples of behaviour, but this behaviour is constant:

. We have a group chat for general catch up/ meet up arrangements/ kids birthday reminders etc. They text all day on chat then gets annoyed when people don't respond because we are at work.
. Whenever a serious conversation is being had ie: another friend was having some cells removed after a smear test and this friend in between our conversation with the others was saying things like 'ewwww you have to let someone up your vagina'
. Whenever anyone reaches a landmark- buying a house/ having a kid/ getting a promotion they change the subject back to themselves and start saying we are all conformists.
. I said the other day I was going to the garden centre and they started just repeatedly sending pictures of OAPs to my phone.
. Another one of our group befriended a single mum from school and bought her out for dinner and when she got home text my friend a genuinely lovely message saying how amazing it is we have a friend with learning difficulties, it gives her hope for her daughter. The immature friend has no learning difficulties.
. Had a tantrum two of the girls in the group went for drinks together and didn't invite the rest of us.
. I just took my youngest daughter to college open day and said friend spent the entirety of it texting me saying she needed urgent help until I left the room to call her and she went JOKING and hung up.

Typing this out it sounds insane, but it has unfortunately been normalised over 20 plus years, until now.

They live at home still, have a job which they keep being offered promotions in but won't take.

Half of the people that meet this person find them endearing in an entertaining way as it's like having a bouncy toddler around, the other half ask how we are friends.

This week she had a tantrum at a family members funeral because she wanted to cut a cake early, resulting in her mum crying.

I guess I'm looking for permission to end the friendship without sounding like a jumped up cow but I have had enough. I want to live my adult life with my adult friends.

I'd have removed her from the group chat at this point to be honest
"Whenever a serious conversation is being had ie: another friend was having some cells removed after a smear test and this friend in between our conversation with the others was saying things like 'ewwww you have to let someone up your vagina'"

I'd just set up a new group chat with the others, and make arrangements through that, say specifically "I don't want to go out with Betty anymore after the way she's behaved over the last few year." Just stop inviting her to things, and let her sulk. If she contacts you persistently, then block her number.

If you want to keep a relationship, but keep her at arms length, just don't invite her to everything. Arrange to get together with the others and only invite her to every fourth one or something.

My group has one of these. As the years rolled on she just didn’t get we had commitments to kids, husbands, elderly relatives etc but she was the gorgeous blond who was used to getting lots of attention. She was forever posting stuff about who wants to see this band or film or go for cocktails or Sunday lunch even holidays and got very upset when there wasn’t a bit take up so lots of sulking. We then went through a period when she was struggling financially and did not take kindly to any link between going out all the time and having no dosh. Whenever we went out we had to remind her to use her ‘indoor’ voice and that shouting rude comments could get her into trouble. We did create. separate WhatsApp groups which has made life a lot easier and quieter especially when I muted her. We are all now in our mid- fifties and it’s clear that she is lonely and is trapped in a job she hates and still lives with her parents. Has her behaviour changed? no it hasn’t! I do fear for her in later years especially now her sister lives overseas.

@Spaghettihoops2026i have a friend just like this, and it really is tiresome.

Also, her mother sounds very similar, my friends mum has said to her “they are just jealous of you” since we were 6 years old, leading to friend having a very inflated opinion of herself.

When me or other friends talk about anything like marriage, kids, careers, she shuffles her feet and looks down at them in a sort of embarrassed way and smirks and giggles in a “omg I’m so embarrassed for you because you’re so boring” kind of way. She will also openly laugh and say “oh I just think it’s so funny, you and you husband, in your little house, ahaha”

She is 43 now so has no mention of that anywhere on her social media and has friends who are much younger and I think she tells them she is in her late 20s. She also dates men in their 20s which gives me the creeps.

She still lives at home and can’t hold down a job. I try and downplay things that I am doing so as not to make her feel bad but I don’t know why I bother. If she is complaining about her life (ie more fall outs with friends, another job lost etc, which is never her fault) and she asks how I am, I don’t want to rub it in by saying I’m great so I’ll say “oh I’m fine, I’m just tired, work is a bit stressful”. She will then be really patronising and say “aaww. That’s such a shame. I feel so bad for you. That must be so hard. Why dont you see if you can get your job at the bakery back?” (I worked Saturday mornings at the local bakery when I was 16.).

She is hugely irritating and patronising and I doubt she will ever change. I have just massively reduced the contact I have with her.

I totally agree that you can be ND and a twat. I just think it's a bit horrible that everytime someone behaves horribly, loads of posters assume they must be ND.

Have you heard of a spikey brain profile before? It means when part of someone’s brain does not develop at the same pace as the rest.

Examples include someone might be brilliant at English but terrible at maths. A normal brain profile (ie if both sides of brain developed normally) the person would be at similar levels in both English and math. But spikey brain profile there is a big / obvious difference. If someone has a spikey brain profile the underdeveloped part does not just have academic deficits - it also has emotional deficits.

It’s likely your friend has a spiky brain profile and therefore is likely neurodiverse and the therefore likely learning difficulties. ADHD etc are all classed as learning difficulties. Not being able to learn social cues / read the room or autism is also classed as a learning difficulty.

This is no reason to keep her as a friend - I would only say after all these years of friendship she would appreciate being explained to what she is doing wrong. She’s unlikely to realise what a plonker she’s been - if you ghost her and she does not understand what had happened you could literally ruin her for life … can you imagine after 20 years of close friendship your friends suddenly cast you out?

The immature friend has no learning difficulties.

When you know someone for a very long time it's hard to see them in any other way than how you've always seen them. When you stand back and look at it, none of what you're describing is normal adult behaviour. There's something more to it.

One sort of friend lived with her parents. She did work in the same place from leaving school to retirement. Her parents did everything for her. She never lifted a finger at home. Boyfriends came and went over the years. Of course her parents health failed in the end, she finally found a nice man married him. They still live in her late parents house.

I always thought of her as somehow unfinished emotionally. I think that was environmental, she was a much adored only child born late in her parents life.

Have looks through your updates and I couldn’t see any info on details of her life.

Is she single, does she have kids?

I have a friend very similar to this. Shes the one messaging the group chat constantly and can get shitty if people don’t reply right away. She can really fail at being sympathetic to other peoples problems and I think her behaviour and attitude stems from a place of sadness and bitterness. She’s single and doesn’t have any children and I think she sees everyone around her settled down with families and it touches a nerve and comes out in weird ways.

An old friend of mine was sort of like this. She wasn’t as annoying but she rejected responsibility (didn’t want to learn to drive, rejected promotions, left uni in the final year and got minimum wage work). She was always a bit self-absorbed but less pro-active in winding people up, she would just talk about herself a lot and could be insensitive. Anyway, she ended up having psychotic breaks and being institutionalised. She has now been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Everyone is saying ASD/learning difficulties, but there are lots of ways a person can be mentally unstable/atypical that are less common and may be harder to define.

I also know someone with narcissistic personality disorder who acts like a teenager and never wanted to parent her kids. They ended up with their dad and seeing her only when she could be bothered to stop partying long enough. It’s not beyond her to poke waiters or other childish/embarrassing behaviour. She would blame others for any fall outs and never change.

Whatever the cause of her behaviour, you
don’t have to continue to be her wind-up toy. She sounds seriously hard work. You’ve tried. You have other people in your life requiring your time and energy who (presumably) appreciate it!

I have a friend who ended a friendship directly (with valid reasons), and it was awkward at first but now it's fine. They don't meet and none of us talk about it.

The only thing before burning the bridge - does the friend bring anything positive to your life?

If not, leave kindly and with grace. If you say things you can't take back, IME people like your friend will stew on it for years, decades even.

Avoid anything that's pent-up frustration or could seem like character assassination.

I was going to say that if this woman was older, people would be arguing she had dementia.

You are of an age group where some learning differences may not have been picked up, particuarly in women.

I'm a similar age to the women mentioned in the OP, and I recently had the epiphany that an ex's slightly odd and intense (but actually very sweet) younger brother, who I would have met maybe 20 years ago, probably had some kind of learning difference that was undiagnosed due to low expectations as he was a very working class young man with some serious adverse childhood experiences, plus they grew up in a rough area and may well not have had access to the services that might have provided the diagnosis. It is possible.

How on earth have you tolerated this with a job, family, 3 children?
I wouldn't bother getting into it.
Mute her. Archive the other group chat.
Set up another chat and be done with it.
Life is too short.
The funeral behaviour should now be your line in the sand moment, even if it didn't involve you.

I would just start a new group chat with your other friends at this point. It sounds from one of your updates that this is already happening organically. Then you can all choose which one you chat in for which topics. I think it’s fine for groups to move on and away from people who aren’t in the same place. It’s a better alternative than having one person destroy a group.

That’s some take 😱

I agree. OP implies her fear of promotion, fear of relationships is just her being difficult - but to me it sounds like she has serious issues that have not been addressed. She clearly struggles with appropriate behaviour.

I would set up a new group chat without her personally after checking individually with friends if they want to do that. And start phasing her out - dwindle down what goes on the current group chat and do more on the main chat. Otherwise you will have to leave the group yourself to stay out of this woman's orbit. But if others feel uncomfortable with the above plan then I think you will just have to stay in touch with the others separately.

Is she “behaving horribly” or is she behaving in a way that indicates poor insight, poor self-regulation?

I wouldn’t call her behaviour, tho I can see it’s annoying.

I would phase her out, not engage in texting with her and stick to only seeing her as part of the group. I've done this the last couple of yrs and just disengaged, as i didn't want to cause upset. No one's questionned me on it (so she probably didn't think much of me anyway) and we tend to only meet up as a group twice a yr

Another one of our group befriended a single mum from school and bought her out for dinner and when she got home text my friend a genuinely lovely message saying how amazing it is we have a friend with learning difficulties, it gives her hope for her daughter. The immature friend has no learning difficulties.
This really made me laugh.

It's annoying how many people on this date are desperate to diagnose any old arsehole as ND. Some people are just shits!

Yes I’m going to be that wanker. I thought op made a typo but she kept saying it.

Your friend brought another friend to dinner, she did not buy her.

Start a new group chat. Slow fade.

I think the examples you’ve given demonstrate that she’s lacking emotional intelligence and she must always be centre of attention. That’s not a learning difficulty, that’s a sign that she wasn’t taught that not everything is about her when she was a child. There’s still time for her but it might not be worth you hanging around or being the person who tries to fix it. I find the message from your new friend quite odd, by the way.

She sounds like an absolute twat op.. doesn’t sound like a nice person at all. I’d leave her to it

Sounds like a good premise for a comedy-drama

I need to know what she did that disgusted you so much....