Patience going with immature friend

[Spaghettihoops2026]

I have a group of about 5 friends who have all been friends for 20 years plus.

One of them has always been immature but over the past year it has for some reason really started to grate on me. We all turned 40 this year. The more the group grows up and moves to new stages of life the worse this one friend gets, but this week they did something that disgusted me so much I no longer know if I want to continue the friendship.

Examples of behaviour, but this behaviour is constant:

. We have a group chat for general catch up/ meet up arrangements/ kids birthday reminders etc. They text all day on chat then gets annoyed when people don't respond because we are at work.
. Whenever a serious conversation is being had ie: another friend was having some cells removed after a smear test and this friend in between our conversation with the others was saying things like 'ewwww you have to let someone up your vagina'
. Whenever anyone reaches a landmark- buying a house/ having a kid/ getting a promotion they change the subject back to themselves and start saying we are all conformists.
. I said the other day I was going to the garden centre and they started just repeatedly sending pictures of OAPs to my phone.
. Another one of our group befriended a single mum from school and bought her out for dinner and when she got home text my friend a genuinely lovely message saying how amazing it is we have a friend with learning difficulties, it gives her hope for her daughter. The immature friend has no learning difficulties.
. Had a tantrum two of the girls in the group went for drinks together and didn't invite the rest of us.
. I just took my youngest daughter to college open day and said friend spent the entirety of it texting me saying she needed urgent help until I left the room to call her and she went JOKING and hung up.

Typing this out it sounds insane, but it has unfortunately been normalised over 20 plus years, until now.

They live at home still, have a job which they keep being offered promotions in but won't take.

Half of the people that meet this person find them endearing in an entertaining way as it's like having a bouncy toddler around, the other half ask how we are friends.

This week she had a tantrum at a family members funeral because she wanted to cut a cake early, resulting in her mum crying.

I guess I'm looking for permission to end the friendship without sounding like a jumped up cow but I have had enough. I want to live my adult life with my adult friends.

This doesn't sound like autism or ADHD or learning disability. This just sounds like shitehawkery.

Sounds to me like she has nothing better to do....sad really!

That is disgrace, I couldn't be friends with or have any respect for someone who chooses to stand people up. Let alone finds it funny! The humiliation of being stood up whatever your gender can seriously knock your confidence.

She doesn't respect other people, your boundaries, or feelings so just cut this awful person off. She's used to everyone rolling over and accepting it so.has no impetus to change.

Not being diagnosed doesn’t mean she doesn’t have learning difficulties. She sounds like she doesn’t know how to behave in public and can’t take hints from others’ behaviour. I wonder if she is autistic. A “failure to launch” is very common with autistic women, I have a sister who still lives at home at 25 and my 18yo is really struggling to find her way in the world.

However, none of this possible explanation obligates you to consider the friendship. She sounds exhausting and immature and you’ve every right to just protect your peace and phase her out. Just make sure your other friends are on board or you’ll end up in a huge drama.

How would you feel if one of your children had to put up with this kind of friend for the rest of their lives, what advice would you give. Just move on from her, she adds nothing to your life.

For who, though?

We know someone like this late fifties now. Even her 38 year old daughter who was basically raised by granny has lost patience now. A middle aged teenage mother who's flaky and always right is frustrating.

She doesn’t to me. In my personal experience of family and friends who are autistic, they try SO hard to behave “well”, to watch for social clues, to make sure they don’t embarrass themselves or anyone in public. Then go home and decompress!

She sounds like she lacks any self awareness. This is not the same as autism.

I feel quite sorry for her, to be honest. It must be very strange watching your friends get married, buy houses, have kids etc, when you're still living like a teenager. Obviously I have no idea why she is the way she is, but it doesn't sound much fun.

However, her behaviour would drive me insane. Cut the friendship as cleanly and kindly as you can.

I'm just surprised you haven't told her to fuck off already. I would have, but then I lost patience with that sort of shit a looong time ago.

Exactly this

She sounds like she has very poor impulse control and is emotionally stunted. Both of which could be neurodivergent traits, or environmentally acquired (still being treated/spoiled as a child by her parents, lack of responsibility etc), or an unpleasant personality, or a combination, or something else entirely.

Any which way she is responsible for her own actions and sees no need to change. Unless there are some glowing positives then just fade away

In my friendship group, we had a very immature, attention-seeking, overly dramatic woman, who behaved as if she was 18, footloose and fancy-free with no commitments, even in her 40s when she had a mortgage and a child. She got into a huge amount of debt and decided that we could all help her by giving her £5K each - there were 9 of us. Not one person agreed with this, and one by one, we all dropped her. I haven't seen her for more than a decade now, and hard-hearted as it sounds, she isn't missed.

Yes I understand the manipulation tactics. We had experience of someone like this at work who eventually was encouraged to move on. Someone described it as “the tyranny of the weak” a phrase which suited them perfectly.

Tbh the more you describe your friend, the more she sounds like she has a personality disorder of some sort.

Why can’t you speak to her and end it op? Are you afraid of her reaction? Don’t get me wrong, it would be very understandable if you were, given her past behaviour.

Given the length of your friendship, I think I would invite her out for a coffee in a public neutral place and end it. Use “I” statements.

“I know we have been friends for a long time but I no longer wish to continue with our friendship. I am telling you face to face so there is no misunderstanding between us. I wish you well but I have felt for a while now that we are on very different paths and with three teens at home I no longer have the mental bandwidth for what you seem to need from me. To be honest, the stunt you pulled when I was dropping my daughter at university was the last straw. I am sure you saw it as a joke but to me it was very immature and selfish”. Then just let there be a silence and don’t be tempted to fill it.

Draw a line op. Be calm and clear. A boundary is alll about how you behave moving forwards; it’s nothing to do with the other person. Move on. Write her a text if you don’t feel able to tell her face to face. You are obviously a very decent person op but try not to feel guilty.

She has obviously been enabled constantly by her own family and tbh it hasn’t done her any good as she has never faced any consequences for her actions. By cutting her off you may be doing her an enormous favour. Explain honestly, then grey rock. It’s kinder in the long run.

I have a few thoughts.
She sounds very immature, an ex-colleague of mine from years ago sounds very similar. She had either a mild brain injury following either an infection eg meningitis or a head injury (I can't remember which) but acted in the same immature disinhibited way you describe. My other thoughts was something like Tourette's Syndrome.

I can't believe nobody has mentioned the college visit call. I would have gone ballistic at her for that. I think you need to cut her out, she is clearly not going to change and l could not be bothered with that.

Done a quick scan of all your posts and am just wondering what the rest of your friends think/feel? If you cut her out, will they follow suit, or will you have to find ways to continue your friendship with the, but separately? Ie a new whatsapp and organising meet ups with you without her?

Am wondering what that would that look like for you as I get the feeling you are looking to unilaterally exclude her from your life - which I totally get and would also be doing myself as she sounds absolutely awful.

My SIL behaves like that.

At our wedding, a few people who had never met her before commented to me and dh that they didn’t realise SIL had learning difficulties and wasn’t it fantastic that she had a job in a school.

She has no learning difficulties and she’s a was fucking deputy head at the time (now a head teacher).

You have my official permission to drop this friend guilt free!

She might not have learning difficulties but she maybe neurodiverse? But what Evers going on it doesn’t mean you have to be friends with her, you are all adults and you can hang out with who you want to hang out with. It sounds like she has issues interacting with people and knowing what is or isn’t appropriate?

Have you ever told her she’s acting inappropriately?

Most ND women would try and fit in and mask but not all.

What is it with everyone looking at someone who behaves like an utter twat, and saying they must be ND?! Being ND does not make people act like twats! This prejudice is driving me insane

Either this person has been enabled to the point of lunacy or she definitely is living with a masked disorder, I'm no doctor so can't say but there may be a physiological reason.

That said, she sounds like you at least have grown out of the friendship as her behaviour now irritates you. There's no coming back from that and any friendship going forward wouldn't be true.

You can be ND and a twat…….I think people are just trying to give an explanation to her behaviour. No one is saying it’s excusable. OP can be friends with who ever she wants to be.

You’re far more tolerant than me! She sounds insufferable! I’d distance myself totally!