Patience going with immature friend

[Spaghettihoops2026]

I have a group of about 5 friends who have all been friends for 20 years plus.

One of them has always been immature but over the past year it has for some reason really started to grate on me. We all turned 40 this year. The more the group grows up and moves to new stages of life the worse this one friend gets, but this week they did something that disgusted me so much I no longer know if I want to continue the friendship.

Examples of behaviour, but this behaviour is constant:

. We have a group chat for general catch up/ meet up arrangements/ kids birthday reminders etc. They text all day on chat then gets annoyed when people don't respond because we are at work.
. Whenever a serious conversation is being had ie: another friend was having some cells removed after a smear test and this friend in between our conversation with the others was saying things like 'ewwww you have to let someone up your vagina'
. Whenever anyone reaches a landmark- buying a house/ having a kid/ getting a promotion they change the subject back to themselves and start saying we are all conformists.
. I said the other day I was going to the garden centre and they started just repeatedly sending pictures of OAPs to my phone.
. Another one of our group befriended a single mum from school and bought her out for dinner and when she got home text my friend a genuinely lovely message saying how amazing it is we have a friend with learning difficulties, it gives her hope for her daughter. The immature friend has no learning difficulties.
. Had a tantrum two of the girls in the group went for drinks together and didn't invite the rest of us.
. I just took my youngest daughter to college open day and said friend spent the entirety of it texting me saying she needed urgent help until I left the room to call her and she went JOKING and hung up.

Typing this out it sounds insane, but it has unfortunately been normalised over 20 plus years, until now.

They live at home still, have a job which they keep being offered promotions in but won't take.

Half of the people that meet this person find them endearing in an entertaining way as it's like having a bouncy toddler around, the other half ask how we are friends.

This week she had a tantrum at a family members funeral because she wanted to cut a cake early, resulting in her mum crying.

I guess I'm looking for permission to end the friendship without sounding like a jumped up cow but I have had enough. I want to live my adult life with my adult friends.

I do get a sense that you think you’re a lot better than her and you keep mentioning how much more mature and responsible you are so I’m really unsure why you keep being friends with her. Just cut her off if you don’t want to continue.

I don't think I am better- I think I am more grown up though yes.

Yes that does come across very strongly in your posts. So why are you still friends with this woman then?

I would just make a separate whatsapp group and not invite her to it. Let the other one die. Doesn’t like any of you like her. She won’t change op especially if shes in her 40s and behaving like this.

Your friend needs to grow up that is a horrible thing to say to a woman after an internal. Maybe call her out everytime she behaves like this and stop inviting her to things. You deserve more adult friends

As some one who has just shrugged off a similarly draining friendship. It’s exactly the same as an abusive relationship, they rarely start how they end up. In my case it was time and noticing how much my ‘friend’ enjoyed it when I was struggling and would disappear when my life was going well or shit on the good things.

As I said, it's been 20 plus years and it's only just for some reason dawning on me that it will never change. I have put many, many years into her asking for help and me giving it- as have the rest of the friend group but there is nothing reciprocated other than stupid comments. So I have held onto it in the hope that she would grow up, but hasn't and now its directly impacting my actual day to day I will be fading out the friendship.

Urgh, she sounds awful, young given her enough chances. I'd block her and leave the group chat. Explain to the others you need to step back for your mental health.

Okay well stop being friends with her then 🤷‍♀️ It doesn’t sound like a good friendship really.

I still stand by my belief that she has undiagnosed issues. The tantrum at the funeral over food timings is especially telling. I suspect that for whatever reason, her behaviour isn’t motivated by ill-will but it sounds like you’ve reached your tolerance limit so I would distance myself if you don’t want to deal with it anymore.

All your updates make me think that your friend is a twin of my ex friend!!! You need to step back and cut contact. If you can't do that, then reduce contact and just grey rock her from now on. I cannot tell you the relief I got from cutting my now ex friend out of my life.

It's just not clear why you're labelling this as 'immaturity'. The behaviour you describe wouldn't be normal for any age group.

@Spaghettihoops2026 I am sensing @Glowingup is one of our contrary friends/thread derailing posters who will just continue to point out you are possibly the problem when you are not. Good luck. Some people just do not grow up. They do not need a label.

Wha does the rest of the group think? I mean will you be keeping the rest of your group of friends?

i’m 50 now, and I look back at 40 and realise that actually my hormones started to change then - loads of my friends found as we got through our 40s and perimenopause we just became less patient, less willing to take care of everybody else, more determined to look after ourselves and do as we wanted, I do suspect it’s a biological shift for a lot of people, so not surprising that you’re losing patience now.

I think that's what I have been looking for in this answer. I feel horrible because we had some lovely times growing up, but my priorities have shifted and I can't tolerate the level of insane that's constantly coming my way.

What am I trying to derail? The behaviour described wouldn’t be normal for a 21 year old either. This isn’t a case of someone just “not growing up”. And I did tell the OP to end the friendship if she wants to.

Why are you so convinced that she doesn’t have learning difficulties when everything you’ve said about her behaviour says the exact opposite?

I think you’re either embarrassed to finally realise that you’re friends with someone who isn’t NT like the rest of you or you’re being obtuse!

She doesn’t sound remotely autistic and I don’t get why people are being so arsey about your new single mum friend!

One close friend removed themselves from the entire thing and still speaks with me. Another is happy to speak to her occassionally but only as she has rock solid boundaries and doesn't care who it annoys lol (which is obviously a good thing).

@Spaghettihoops2026 I think you know it’s time to end the relationship, she hasn’t grown up and is unlikely to do so. I would have a conversation, get it out your system and then phase her out of your life.

I have ADHD lol. I'm not a complete wanker to people.

Block her.
Let your friends know individually that you cannot take any more of her shit and you don't want anything more to do with her.

Life is too short.

This is a very good idea

Maybe she's lonely and doesn't know how to say so or deal with it appropriately.... and so she acts out to get attention - albeit the wrong way.
It must be weird for her seeing people her age married, with kids and careers and she's still living at home and not progressing much at work. Maybe she's not been given the chance to or shown how to grow up, which is a bit sad really.
Not to say you should still be friends with her as there's only so far one's patience can go....

Honestly I don't get how you are all still friends with her and haven't told her to fuck off already with her horrible insensitive comments.

She has been offered multiple promotions, she is good at her job. She says she doesn't want the responsibility. She has also had some lovely men interested in her- but she has a habit of getting the ick easily and then not cancelling the date and finding it really funny they are waiting for her knowing she's not coming. She messages us about it like we are 15 when people say that's rude etc she then throws a strop and calls us boring.