Patience going with immature friend

[Spaghettihoops2026]

I have a group of about 5 friends who have all been friends for 20 years plus.

One of them has always been immature but over the past year it has for some reason really started to grate on me. We all turned 40 this year. The more the group grows up and moves to new stages of life the worse this one friend gets, but this week they did something that disgusted me so much I no longer know if I want to continue the friendship.

Examples of behaviour, but this behaviour is constant:

. We have a group chat for general catch up/ meet up arrangements/ kids birthday reminders etc. They text all day on chat then gets annoyed when people don't respond because we are at work.
. Whenever a serious conversation is being had ie: another friend was having some cells removed after a smear test and this friend in between our conversation with the others was saying things like 'ewwww you have to let someone up your vagina'
. Whenever anyone reaches a landmark- buying a house/ having a kid/ getting a promotion they change the subject back to themselves and start saying we are all conformists.
. I said the other day I was going to the garden centre and they started just repeatedly sending pictures of OAPs to my phone.
. Another one of our group befriended a single mum from school and bought her out for dinner and when she got home text my friend a genuinely lovely message saying how amazing it is we have a friend with learning difficulties, it gives her hope for her daughter. The immature friend has no learning difficulties.
. Had a tantrum two of the girls in the group went for drinks together and didn't invite the rest of us.
. I just took my youngest daughter to college open day and said friend spent the entirety of it texting me saying she needed urgent help until I left the room to call her and she went JOKING and hung up.

Typing this out it sounds insane, but it has unfortunately been normalised over 20 plus years, until now.

They live at home still, have a job which they keep being offered promotions in but won't take.

Half of the people that meet this person find them endearing in an entertaining way as it's like having a bouncy toddler around, the other half ask how we are friends.

This week she had a tantrum at a family members funeral because she wanted to cut a cake early, resulting in her mum crying.

I guess I'm looking for permission to end the friendship without sounding like a jumped up cow but I have had enough. I want to live my adult life with my adult friends.

I have no idea why you’re still friends with this person. What do you get out of it?

She sounds annoying as hell, I wouldn't care what the reason was either but I definitely wouldn't be seen in public with her . Id be blocking her and moving on.

She went to a family members funeral and wanted to eat but her family said to wait until everyone arrived so she threw a strop because she had bought the specific item she wanted and was extremely rude to her sister- started a full row with her, which caused her mother to burst into further tears.

Tbh even if she has not been diagnosed she sounds like she does have issues, whether learning difficulties, ND or mental health ones. The fact someone else assumed she had learning difficulties says a lot and the behaviour described is not your normal selfishness or just being self-absorbed. The fact that she’s been unable to leave home or progress in her career suggests some form of autism maybe, as well as the lack of understanding of social etiquette and coming across as immature. I know people like this and once you understand them better and adjust your expectations, it becomes a lot easier.

I would simply stop engaging with her. I wouldn’t like that kind of friend. I’d be polite when I see her out and about but I wouldn’t text or call her, ever. Perhaps talk to the others and see what they say?

Why can't you simply refer to this friend as "she"? Using "they" is very confusing as I can't figure out when you are referring to your group of friends, and when to this one particular friend.

As many have said she sounds annoying as hell, but she also sounds deeply unhappy. Those who set out to upset others- and her behaviour is hurtful as well as annoying are generally hurting themselves. It sounds like she's probably not very happy with her own life. I find the best response to someone who makes a rude comment is 'are you okay' as it shows compassion but also demonstrates that the behaviour indicates that they are not okay. Perhaps she just really needs someone to talk to.

It's quite depressing how many people are saying she sounds autistic. Really? Autism isn't exactly the same for everyone. I'm autistic and don't behave like that. We're individuals with our own personality

Op, your friend sounds annoying and immature. Cut her off

Again, sounds indicative of autistic traits. You seem extremely sure that she has no issues like this and is just immature but everything you say suggests that she has an inability to read social cues and struggles with career and relationships. The constant bombardment of the OAP messages also screams inability to read cues.
I guess if you want to believe that she’s just some immature bitch, go ahead but it doesn’t sound like it and I would be more understanding.
I have a relative who is quite obviously neurodivergent but his family are insistent that he’s lazy/stupid/unmotivated and that if he only pulled himself together, his life would be fine. He’s about 50 now and it’s so sad that he’s lived his whole life being fundamentally misunderstood.

This is my mother OP, many similarities. I tolerated her ‘quirky’ behaviour for years as calling her inappropriate comments out only caused arguments. She is never wrong, everyone is jealous of her blah blah. Always needing to be centre of attention- it is indeed exhausting especially when she would mock me for being sensible or ‘boring’. I sympathise with you. For posters mentioning ND, autism etc maybe she is BUT we cannot keep labelling poor behaviour blithely. There are many ND and autistic people who are perfectly pleasant.

This creeps in on the Elderly Parents board. Obnoxiously stubborn elderly people where it is suggested that they might have dementia. In reality if they have always been obnoxious and stubborn it is simply amplified in old age. Again, there are people with dementia diagnosis who are perfectly lovely.

I would add that you are probably also heading to the phase of life where you cannot tolerate BS behaviours.

We all speak and have spoken to her. She has all the support. I am giving up on that view with her which I previously had as she kind of uses anything you say to help as an attack however you say it and then won't speak to anyone. We have tried kind, blunt etc- but when she feels aggrieved she will very much tell it how she sees it. I can't explain it properly but its all very entitled and manipulative if that makes sense rather than someone being sad and lonely.

You personally might not behave like this but a lot of her behaviours are ones that are associated with autism like repetitive behaviour, being rigid about wants and expectations, inability to read social cues, struggles at work and struggles with relationships.

Is she on something?

Thank you. My husband keeps saying it's me growing up myself with no time to tolerate is as well, he hates her. She will ring up and say to me OH I JUST SAW YOUR BOYFRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL or things like that. I have been with my husband since 18 with three kids. If she requests me to come out and do something that I really don't want to do (i.e: go to a wine bar at 10pm because I am 40 with three kids and a full time career) she puts on a whiny voice and starts asking if he's controlling me. It really is tedious.

Bet she flounces! And accuses you of being mean to her
True knobby behaviour right there

I know you say she hasn't got any learning difficulties but it really does sound as if she has something non-standard going on, although I wouldn't like to guess what. This isn't just immaturity, it's really not normal.

That said, you aren't the doctor, and it would really have to be something very very debilitating for me to want to move on after she made such light of someone needing further checks after a smear test, or pretending something awful had happened on the phone as a stupid practical joke. Ruining a funeral is up there too. I don't think I could cope with this level of total shithousery.

Everytime- then comes back with an apology that still somehow blames us for the behaviour.

No. This is just people on mumsnet tying themselves in knots to diagnose people. Some people are just immature and annoying. People on mumsnet are very quick to blame bad behaviour on autism

I've known autistic people like her (ex school friend who I recently stopped being friends with in our mid-30s for similar reasons to the OP). It's like they struggle with social cues and what is appropriate and can come across as extremely immature. It becomes more obvious as people get older yet they seem to be stuck in their immature teenage years.

I know autistic people can be wildly different in terms of behaviour but just because you're autistic and are not like that doesn't mean that this person could also not be autistic.

Of course she could have something else going on entirely but I would bet money she is not neurotypical.

I completely agree with this.
Sounds like it’s just gone undiagnosed.
No one without difficulties surely would be doing some of the things you’ve mentioned?!
I feel sorry for her; it sounds like she’s got some unaddressed need. People who parent children with SEN often develop a radar, so I’m not surprised the new friends clocked her.

I think I would just block her this point. Maybe she’s mentally unstable rather than autistic?

Blimey, I would have faded this friendship out long ago, I just would have no patience for all her nonsense.

i appreciate all the people who say they are autistic and dontyt behave that way, but it really is a spectrum. could be audhd, some of the traits can be found in people with adhd too and I am one of them.

maybe have a serious conversation with her. come at it with empathy and concern and not accusatory, im not saying you were accusatory but a lot of ND people are very sensitive to criticism. just an idea before you end a long standing friendship.

I think so now, I have been SO lenient. A mutual friend recently got pregnant and the immature woman replied saying when did we all turn into conformist robots. I said does it not occur to you that people just want children? It's just all so weird and I have three hormonal teenagers and I have no time for it 🙃

In which case it really sounds like you have done all you can. Not all friendships are forever, we all grow up and change and it really sounds like you have outgrown this friendship. Someone else suggested starting a new WA group- this is a good suggestion. When she inevitably finds out and is upset, time for some brutal honesty.