Patience going with immature friend

[Spaghettihoops2026]

I have a group of about 5 friends who have all been friends for 20 years plus.

One of them has always been immature but over the past year it has for some reason really started to grate on me. We all turned 40 this year. The more the group grows up and moves to new stages of life the worse this one friend gets, but this week they did something that disgusted me so much I no longer know if I want to continue the friendship.

Examples of behaviour, but this behaviour is constant:

. We have a group chat for general catch up/ meet up arrangements/ kids birthday reminders etc. They text all day on chat then gets annoyed when people don't respond because we are at work.
. Whenever a serious conversation is being had ie: another friend was having some cells removed after a smear test and this friend in between our conversation with the others was saying things like 'ewwww you have to let someone up your vagina'
. Whenever anyone reaches a landmark- buying a house/ having a kid/ getting a promotion they change the subject back to themselves and start saying we are all conformists.
. I said the other day I was going to the garden centre and they started just repeatedly sending pictures of OAPs to my phone.
. Another one of our group befriended a single mum from school and bought her out for dinner and when she got home text my friend a genuinely lovely message saying how amazing it is we have a friend with learning difficulties, it gives her hope for her daughter. The immature friend has no learning difficulties.
. Had a tantrum two of the girls in the group went for drinks together and didn't invite the rest of us.
. I just took my youngest daughter to college open day and said friend spent the entirety of it texting me saying she needed urgent help until I left the room to call her and she went JOKING and hung up.

Typing this out it sounds insane, but it has unfortunately been normalised over 20 plus years, until now.

They live at home still, have a job which they keep being offered promotions in but won't take.

Half of the people that meet this person find them endearing in an entertaining way as it's like having a bouncy toddler around, the other half ask how we are friends.

This week she had a tantrum at a family members funeral because she wanted to cut a cake early, resulting in her mum crying.

I guess I'm looking for permission to end the friendship without sounding like a jumped up cow but I have had enough. I want to live my adult life with my adult friends.

Does your friend know that this lady thought she had learning difficulties? If not I would bring it up (without mentioning the ladys name!) and tell her that she behaves that immaturely that people assume she has learning difficulties. Just be blunt.
I wouldn’t be friends with someone like that.
unless she does have learning difficulties and her parents just never bothered to get her tested? Have you asked her?

It was for the first couple. I received about 20, then everything I put in the group chat for the rest of the day was replied to with the same.

Immaturity can actually be a measure of a learning difficulty, so it could be she does. Or she might just do it for affect as she gets attention. Who knows?

But that doesn't mean you have to be her friend or put up with any of it. She isn't your responsibility.

Friendship is supposed to be at least fun.

She sounds autistic.

Why were you continuously updating a group chat from a garden centre? Especially when someone was just mocking you in response.

anyway- autistic or not- you don’t need to be around behaviour like that. Poking the waiter alone would have had me telling her to get her coat. How embarrassing.

You don't need permission to end a friendship with someone you so obviously dislike! It may make things awkward in your friendship group though so be prepared for that.

Has the group ever just thought of cutting her off? She sounds so insufferable and you’ve given her enough time to grow up.

I read to i got to the smear test part, that's enough for me to cut her off.
That's a disgusting thing to say to someone or about anyone.
I'd set up a whole new chat group and make the rest aware that she will not be added to it.

What do your other friends think? She sounds a massive PITA. I'd ditch her after the ridiculous smear comment tbh.
was she pissed at the meal? Shouting out stuff and poking the waiter?
What was the disgusting thing she did recently?

At the point of JOKING I'd have blocked her forever.
You don't get in the way of a friend's child's future. Unforgivable.

I wasn't trying to press you further - I was just replying to another poster who asked.

Are you sure she doesn't have any learning difficulties or ND like autism because it sounds like she absolutely does.

I couldn't be friends with someone who behaves like that constantly and I don't get why you're still friends with her, especially after the smear test comment. Has she never had sex or had a smear test or anything herself? If so she would have also had to "let someone up her vagina" at some point. That sounds like something a 10yr old would say tbh.

It can be both. I’ve known neurodivergent people who were brilliant, funny and interesting (my DP, DD, a couple of old friends) but also some who were massive, selfish bellends and/or incredibly annoying or embarrassing (DP’s siblings, his mum, friends of friends, a girl who attached herself to my DD).

Either way, you don’t owe her a friendship, I was just interested because sometimes it can explain differences in behaviour and you can give a bit of leeway. It sounds like you’ve all tried to reason with her and got nowhere.

No she doesn't, she sounds insufferable. I'd have quietly left her to it years ago, or lost my shit. One of the two. (I rarely lose my shit, when I do I really lose it.) I'm an autistic woman who knows how to behave myself in public.

(Insert a 'When you're tired of autistic people but you are an autistic people' thingy. It's a Facebook group of which I am a member of.)

Who is the admin? I would delete her idiotic rude comments - esp regarding medical procedures and why the hell are you disrupting time with DC for her? You all pander to her and make her think it's fine. I would not last 5 mins.

She sounds insufferable. What do the rest of the group think about it?

You don't need anyone's permission to end a friendship, and if you actively dislike the person you should. I'd consider how you want to handle the group dynamic going forwards before doing anything though - depends if the rest of the group is fed up as well.

Whatever you do I wouldn't be going anywhere for food with her again if she's that obnoxious to the waiter!

She's clearly someone who has to be the centre of attention, at all times. Everything, no matter how small is a drama. Do the rest of the group feel the same way towards her? If they do, and you have stated you've all spoken to her regarding her behaviour, and nothing changes, then all of you step back from the friendship. Set up a separate WhatsApp group with the other women, and exclude her. Taking to her isn't going to change the situation, other than perhaps letting her know, you won't be her friend any longer and why. She won't change her behaviour because she won't see that she's doing anything wrong.

It is entirely possible that there's more going on than her simply being obnoxious. She appears to have no self-awareness, no empathy, self-centred and impulsive.

Sorry but no it does not sound autistic at all.

I really don't think this sounds ND or autistic.

Someone with learning difficulties is a separate matter as not all folks with an ND condition have learning difficulties.

I wouldn't have lasted 10mins with her, awful

I don't know. I went out with a man (who was subsequently diagnosed as autistic) who had a lot of the same attributes. He was in his forties but would behave like a young teenage boy in a lot of situations - he'd giggle wildly if anyone said 'tits' and then keep repeating it, he'd make inappropriate remarks (I can easily see him coming out with the 'vagina' one if I told him I went for a smear). He had no idea of what was appropriate and if he thought something was funny it would be repeated over and over.

To be fair, I don't know if this was the autism or just how he was, although knowing a few other people with quite severe autism, many of the immature behaviours do seem to be common.

ETA. My eldest daughter has autism but with her it doesn't manifest in this kind of behaviour, although it does make her behave 'younger' in some situations. She has learned what is NOT appropriate to say!

I would say immature would be acting as you did when you were 18 - going out drinking a lot, making poor relationship decisions, ostrich head in sand attitude towards finances, skipping work because you are hungover / can’t be bothered, that sort of a thing. Poking a waiter, randomly shouting out words, etc. is more than immaturity, it sounds like an impulse control disorder (which I believe is different from a learning disability, but could appear similar).

Hi OP, what was the particular thing she did this week? All the examples given sound extremely wearing.

Let's not jump straight to pathologising someone. She might very well just be a dick.

I had a friend like this. Fun, creative, entertaining, eccentric... in our late teens/ early twenties. Now into our thirties, she still behaves erratically and overshares, including in public, and likes to suggest anyone who finds it uncomfortable is just a boring conformist, can't hold a conversation about anything serious, behaves oddly in front of new people, and still lives with her (dysfunctional) family, with no real career and having never had a stable relationship.

I have genuinely great memories of our younger years, and I know the way she behaves now stems in large part from some really deep-seated pain and insecurity. But she's impossible to talk to about anything real, and I'm fed up of being made to feel like some square for having a normal job and relationship. Tried to talk to her once about some serious relationship issues I was having, and got back a dismissive comment about "boys", when I was talking about my partner of several years. She won't engage with anything related to my career either. I still see her very occasionally as we have a mutual friend, and I do wish her the best, but I couldn't hang anymore. If she wants to know why, she's free to ask, but I don't hear from her. I think it's OK for you to feel the same way about your 'friend'.