My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

[Dreamingfever]

First of all, I’m going to be mentioning suicide so please don’t read if that will upset you in anyway.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, we are both in our 50s so won’t have any children together. I have a DS from my first marriage, he has a DD from his first marriage, both now early 20s.

DPs first wife passed away 6 years ago, they’d been split for about 7 years before that and I’ve never pried as to the details of his first wife’s death, not my place nor business.
He didn’t live in the UK for most of his adult life, he’s a dual national so spent most of his life in Spain, his mother is Spanish. His first wife was French.
He had told me that once they split his first wife took his daughter to France, he spent most of the holidays with his daughter (who was 12 by the time they split), would take weekends to visit her. I’ve always thought I couldn’t have lived in a different country to my DS but I wasn’t there, I don’t know what the relationship between him and his first wife was like etc. He seems to have a very positive relationship with his daughter, she lives abroad still (different country from either she was raised in) but he calls her often, visits often and we just flew out to spend Christmas with her.

Tonight he seemed upset, I asked why and he told me it was the anniversary of his first wife’s death. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said actually he’d like to tell me about it before we marry.

He told me that his first wife was amazing for many years but when her own parents passed she struggled with her mental health, when they split she asked to take her daughter to her parents home she’d recently inherited and raise her there. He admitted he had been hesitant about her abilities to raise their daughter but he worked long hours, and felt a daughter needed her mother, so agreed.
He then told me that over the years he knew her mother was unwell, an alcoholic he claimed was what he knew. He thought about asking to have his daughter back, reporting it to someone, but feared it would only make things worse. He said he told his daughter she could move home anytime but she never wanted to.
His daughter then moved to a different city for university. Then 6 years ago her mother, his first wife, took her own life, overdose alcohol and prescription drugs.
He arranged everything as his first wife had no living family she was close to, any only child, both parents passed, and her daughter just 19.
He also sold the property and sorted out everything inheritance related for his daughter.

He then said during a deep chat over some wine with his daughter he learned his first wife had been an alcoholic for many years, she never told him as she was scared she’d be separated from her mother. She was honest about her teen years being difficult, often coming home to her mum passed out, making her own meals, taking the metro to school and back unsure of her mothers well being etc.

He admitted he has felt immense guilt since and always finds the anniversary a hard day.

Now I’m conflicted, I feel awful for him. But I worked with young adults and teens for many years and I often felt the excuse of “no one else knew” was a weak one, I’ve always felt it shouldn’t be a child’s responsibility to know when an adult needs help or they need help but someone should be looking out for them, I feel he failed to do this, he knew she was an alcoholic and failed to both protect his daughter and get help for her mother.

This clouds my judgement of him, I feel I can no longer see him as a the devoted father, kind man, and loving partner I believed he was.

AIBU to feel like this? Is it the past, something to be moved on from? Or an indicator that he may not be the kind of man I’ve been made to believe he is?

You're being unbelievably unfair to a man who seems to have done what he could, and has a positive relationship with the daughter you fear he might have damaged. It wouldn't have been easy for him get custody anyway, let alone in a different country. (I speak from experience, though I did get it).
Seems you're looking for an excuse not to get married, so probably best not to..

That is all she can do, though. She cant force the child home and going through courts isnt always in the best interests of all children.

This. 100%. He clearly has a good relationship with his daughter so they’ve managed to navigate the situation. I think his feelings of guilt and the need to talk to OP about it stem from his DD telling him as an adult what really happened.

Hindsight is 20/20 and I can understand how he may feel that had he had that information at the time, he would have handled it very differently. Clearly OP is finding it difficult to understand and is leaning towards judgement, which is the real problem here. She appears to be holding him to an impossible ideal, not the reality.

I don't think pp are asking her to minimise her reservations about her intended H.

I think quite a few, including myself, don't understand why her reaction to what he has confided in her is one of judgement.
And some, including myself, are of the opinion that if she feels as she does, she shouldn't marry him for his and his dd's sake.

Every divorced parent has some past (baggage) to tell by the time they get to 50.

You are sort of judging him for not having been enquiring enough about his DD’s home situation when in fact, it seems you haven’t been enquiring enough about the past of the man you are about to marry. ‘It wasn’t my business to pry’ hasn’t really worked for you.

i would take into consideration what you otherwise know about him and the way he treats you.
I would also take into consideration, that he is now close to his DD, close enough for her to open up and tell him the detail of her neglect. I’d say the healing for them both starts now, maybe with professional help.
Are you able to be in a marriage alongside that?
It’s certainly not perfect but not totally devastating either, I’d have thought.

Good luck with your decision OP. It’s a lot to suddenly take in and adjust to.

Agree with this. There doesn’t seem to be any understanding, just judgement.

A lot of people forbid talk of exes and previous relationships.

Because not everyone will pry into the precise cause of death of their partners family. He said she was dead and doesn’t want to talk about it. Insisting on knowing the details might be fine to some people but I wouldn’t push it.

OP I wonder if your questioning of his character over this is more a symptom of pre-wedding nerves or temporary cold feet than anything else?

What is it about your future that it affects? There are no minor children to worry about. Are you concerned he won't be a solid partner if you face illness yourself? That he will pretend its not happening / not help out?

Because I really don't understand otherwise why you might be getting so hung up on the past, and past errors of judgment that he may have made?

That’s enough reason to not get married then.

On face value I don’t think any of this immediately points to him not being a good father. Alcoholism is complex and a disease of denial and secrecy. Families are locked into the denial a lot of the time, not for the same reasons but it’s possible any intervention he tried would have caused equal or even more pain and ultimately not improved things.

I do think it’s strange that this has come up so late into the relationship. It’s obviously significant for him and, if his relationship with his daughter is now good, possibly something they’ve spent time discussing and working through. I voted YANBU because I don’t think your feelings are unreasonable - you feel how you feel. Whether you should marry him is up to you, but I’d suggest it would be better to feel comfortable before doing so otherwise it taints what’ should be a celebration. So maybe postponing will give you the time you need to talk more with him and feel comfortable. I guess I’d also ask what the benefit of marrying at all when you don’t have children together nor will you.

Hi OP

in regards to your feelings towards it, in my opinion your reaction will change, and it can be many contradictions at the same time. You can feel love and empathy for your partner, and you can also judge him and feel disappointment in the same moment. As you well know!

But I think there is a lot to be said for the fact he has told you, and rather than justified or spun it, he showed you his guilt and not hidden his mistake. He has declared it. This is definitely one that some people might choose to put a ‘perspective’ on and justify their ignorance. I think he has made mistakes like all of can and do, he is flawed, he has his regrets, but he is being honest.

I don’t think this is a calculated move telling you three weeks beforehand so as to remove your options. It was in reality most likely incredibly difficult for him to bring it up, but he knew he had to.

it must be hard to live with this level of guilt.

hia relationship with his daughter sounds good. Also, it takes serious commitment to visit once a month, from another country (I have been in that exact situation and the father chose to be absent).

wishing you well. Don’t be too harsh on him…

OP are you the same person who posted about your DP having a terminal illness and your concern that he didn’t want to tell his daughter who lives in an overseas country? The details all sounds the same and this adds a lot of context.

it potentially also explains why a wedding might be happening quite quickly which would have prompted this conversation.

if so, knowing now what his daughter went through with her mother surely changes things in terms of a duty to cause least harm / trauma to the daughter at this stage?

If he was hard working and therefore he’d not be able to be there for his child, the call for help could have caused her to go into foster care if that’s what they do in that area. He didn’t want to rock the boat.

Yes I agree with others.
It’s not your place to judge.
You won’t be having anymore children so he will be in an entirely different situation with you.
Good luck.

For some people, you wouldnt marry someone who seemed caught up on theo
Ir ex.

But that doesn't seem to be what’s happened here. He told OP his first wife had died. OP didn’t want to pry so didn’t ask. There’s nothing to indicate that he wouldn’t have opened up if she had.

This is difficult, OP, but I do feel that you are being quite harsh in your judgement of him.

What would he have done in an ideal world? Taken full custody of his daughter in Spain, with the mother visiting some weekends and holidays? That may or may not have been better for the daughter and may or may not have been better for her mother. It is terribly sad for his daughter going through her teen years as the only child of an alcoholic parent and having to become her own and her mother's carer and living with such uncertainty. But she was a teen and not a toddler. He couldn't have "saved" the mother either from her alcoholism or her suicide. They were her choices and you should not be playing any blame on him for them. He probably does feel a lot of guilt around this already.

His daughter seems to have forgiven him for not doing more in the situation. If she has done this, then consider why you are unable to. It's a sad situation but there were no guaranteed happy alternative endings.

How is he caught up on his ex ? The issue is his relationship with his daughter.

It may just be me then but I’m not sure I’d be happy in a relationship where this was a closed topic. I’m not sure I’d be comfortable getting married to someone for whom the cause of death of their ex spouse (years after their divorce) wasn’t allowed to be spoken about. I’d have too many questions to be comfortable.

In reality there is an absolutely no way legally that your DP could have had his DD live with him without years of legal battles. Even at 12, 13, 14. I live in France and spent 6 years in court before my kids Dad lost parental responsibility. This is a vanishingly rare thing to happen here.

Alcoholism doesn’t mean she was an awful parent all of the time. Or probably even most of the time.

Take time to adjust how you feel. Don’t simplify something so complex and don’t take or assume your DSDs feelings. Talk to her. Discuss your feelings preferably with her. I’m sure your DH is already riddled with guilt.

But in reality he could have potentially made things so much worse by trying to remove his daughter from his ex-wife’s care. You are blinded by your experience and are ignoring the incredible complexity of this IMO.

How on earth is he not responsible for this tragedy. Very sad for his DD. Addiction and mental illness has a stigma, it is very secretive, you should know that.

This. Particularly if he had gone through any courts to get the child removed from her mother/ prevented the child from leaving the country in the first place and then her mother had committed suicide. He wouldn't have the close relationship with his daughter that he has now.

But where has OP said she wasn’t allowed to talk about it ? He told her his first wife had died. She didn’t want to pry so didn’t ask. Who’s to say that if she had, he wouldn’t have opened up sooner ?

fair enough but many people do understand why some people keep some information private and don’t want to talk about the details with others. I know some people feel differently and I’m always aghast on dating shows when people on the first few dates interrogate their partners on why their previous relationships broke down and minute details about their lives with their exes, including sex life. I’d hate that but maybe that’s just me.

So if this was a someone posting about their wife-to-be allowing their (male) ex whom they knew was an alcoholic with MH issues to take their dc back to his home country and said:

but when his own parents passed he struggled with his mental health, when they split he asked to take his daughter to his parents home he’d recently inherited and raise her there. She admitted she had been hesitant about his abilities to raise their daughter but she worked long hours (so I guess it benefitted her)

and:
She then told me that over the years she knew her ex was unwell, an alcoholic she claimed was what she knew..

You’d be saying “well she couldn’t have known, we all make mistakes” and “you’re being horrible and judgey”?

Sorry, don’t buy it - the OP would be getting very different reactions if they were posting about a mother doing this. Men are just held to different standards.