My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

[Dreamingfever]

First of all, I’m going to be mentioning suicide so please don’t read if that will upset you in anyway.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, we are both in our 50s so won’t have any children together. I have a DS from my first marriage, he has a DD from his first marriage, both now early 20s.

DPs first wife passed away 6 years ago, they’d been split for about 7 years before that and I’ve never pried as to the details of his first wife’s death, not my place nor business.
He didn’t live in the UK for most of his adult life, he’s a dual national so spent most of his life in Spain, his mother is Spanish. His first wife was French.
He had told me that once they split his first wife took his daughter to France, he spent most of the holidays with his daughter (who was 12 by the time they split), would take weekends to visit her. I’ve always thought I couldn’t have lived in a different country to my DS but I wasn’t there, I don’t know what the relationship between him and his first wife was like etc. He seems to have a very positive relationship with his daughter, she lives abroad still (different country from either she was raised in) but he calls her often, visits often and we just flew out to spend Christmas with her.

Tonight he seemed upset, I asked why and he told me it was the anniversary of his first wife’s death. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said actually he’d like to tell me about it before we marry.

He told me that his first wife was amazing for many years but when her own parents passed she struggled with her mental health, when they split she asked to take her daughter to her parents home she’d recently inherited and raise her there. He admitted he had been hesitant about her abilities to raise their daughter but he worked long hours, and felt a daughter needed her mother, so agreed.
He then told me that over the years he knew her mother was unwell, an alcoholic he claimed was what he knew. He thought about asking to have his daughter back, reporting it to someone, but feared it would only make things worse. He said he told his daughter she could move home anytime but she never wanted to.
His daughter then moved to a different city for university. Then 6 years ago her mother, his first wife, took her own life, overdose alcohol and prescription drugs.
He arranged everything as his first wife had no living family she was close to, any only child, both parents passed, and her daughter just 19.
He also sold the property and sorted out everything inheritance related for his daughter.

He then said during a deep chat over some wine with his daughter he learned his first wife had been an alcoholic for many years, she never told him as she was scared she’d be separated from her mother. She was honest about her teen years being difficult, often coming home to her mum passed out, making her own meals, taking the metro to school and back unsure of her mothers well being etc.

He admitted he has felt immense guilt since and always finds the anniversary a hard day.

Now I’m conflicted, I feel awful for him. But I worked with young adults and teens for many years and I often felt the excuse of “no one else knew” was a weak one, I’ve always felt it shouldn’t be a child’s responsibility to know when an adult needs help or they need help but someone should be looking out for them, I feel he failed to do this, he knew she was an alcoholic and failed to both protect his daughter and get help for her mother.

This clouds my judgement of him, I feel I can no longer see him as a the devoted father, kind man, and loving partner I believed he was.

AIBU to feel like this? Is it the past, something to be moved on from? Or an indicator that he may not be the kind of man I’ve been made to believe he is?

You are really stretching now! Blaming the op for his choices and behaviour? Op has been landed with a whole new load of info about her fiance 3 weeks before her wedding and she is having feelings about it - all totally normal. He has a history she didn't know about and needs time to process it.

This too for me. This stands out as a potential reluctance to discuss tricky things.

And that OP is maybe subconsciously being made to feel that asking questions (about things that are absolutely normal and SHOULD be discussed) is “prying”.

Not a good omen.

It sounds to me like he had a series of impossible decisions to make. He had some decisions taken out of his hands. And who knows how everything would have played out if he had acted differently.

I think you are judging harshly, with the benefit of hindsight.

I think its harsh to judge someone for not realising how severe a drinking problem was in an ex when they lived in different countries. Alcoholism is a terrible illness and affects everyone around the alcoholic particularly children.
Your DP later discovered the truth and the affects on his daughter and feels guilt for not intervening for his daughter,which to me shows he is a good man who made an error of judgement about his ex wifes state of health that affected his daughter. Judging with the benefit of hindsight and without knowing all factors at that historical moment in time seems very harsh.
He didnt have to tell you any of this,he chose to because he clearly trusts you.
i dont know if there are other factors as to why you don't think you should marry him and this new revelation is part of a pattern but in isolation it seems harsh.

The amount of posters urging the OP to minimise her reservations about marrying this man bc she’s being “judgey” is also worrying.

May I ask - if the sexes were reversed how would you all feel about this?

I struggle to see how you could have painted him as such a devoted father in the first place. He didn’t seem to be around much and allowed his DD to be raised in a different country to him. Was it rose tinted glasses? Devoted father was a big stretch. Decent father would have been more accurate, and perhaps you wouldn’t be so devastated now if you always looked at the situation with a little more scrutiny.

It’s up to you if this ends the relationship for you but it doesn’t seem to me like he has misrepresented himself, so much as you have looked on him favourably. He seems to have a good relationship with his DD despite his noted absence and the places he has let her down.

I wondered this too, to be honest. OP has experience of working with young people, but clearly has no experience of actually living with someone who has an addiction, which are two very different things. OP’s fiancé didn’t live in the same country and even visiting monthly, wasn’t privy to what was actually happening so clearly both his wife and DD were covering it up.

There’s clearly a good relationship between father and daughter, so they’ve managed to navigate the situation without damaging their relationship. But there’s just as clearly some guilt on her fiancé’s part, but l think that’s based on the fact that he didn’t know the truth until his DD only divulged it years later as an adult. It’s traumatic for all concerned, and OP does come across as judgemental rather than understanding.

I just can’t fathom a 4 year relationship where this fact would not have been mentioned or come up in conversation?

I don’t expect to know every inner thought my partner has but this is a fact and if he had lied and said she died in a car accident when in fact it was suicide then I’d think maybe there was something to worry about. But just simply… how does this not come up in conversation?

’My DDs mother died when she was 19 so I am her only parent’
’Oh ok’

How does it just get left at that?

Oooh lets think why might he tell her now..... Maybe because he's just about to get married for the second time and this is all reminding him of the first time he married including it's tragic outcome? And not wanting to ever lose someone like that again - not saying OP even drinks but when you have been divorced there is always fear when remarrying.

Also sometimes to we bury the more shameful things in our past, I can't imagine ever discussing some of the things I went through in an abusive relationship with anyone, not even my with boyfriend who is one of the most caring and loving people ever.

I’m sorry but this is absolutely false; his ex absolutely could have taken his daughter to France without his permission as long as she got a court order first thereby making The Hague Convention irrelevant. His DD was 12 / 13 years old at the time and at that age, the courts would have been heavily influenced by what she wanted i.e. going with her mother (you’re assuming her mother wouldn’t have gone without her and stayed in Spain and therefore there’d be no separation).

France and Spain share a border, we don’t know the distances involved but the courts may well have viewed it as only moving a few hours away and therefore non detrimental to her relationship with her father, couple this with his DD’s desire to go and it’s very possible his ex would have been granted an order to move her.

There are several different ways this situation could have played out and who’s to say whether he made the wrong decision or not. Sometimes there’s no “right” answer and it’s a lose / lose situation.

The only person who’s opinion matters here is his DD’s.

This has a familiar ring. Does his daughter have an aunt or similar, who visited regularly but never noticed the state her mother was in because the daughter covered it? Somebody - the 'aunt' - posted here a few months ago. The young woman's now suffering the effects of her childhood and is unhappy with the adults who were in a position to help her.

Back to your OP: I do understand your disquiet. This is a lot to take in! It doesn't sound to me as though he was very responsible; he failed to be decisive when someone needed him to be. How old was DD when he gave her the option to live with him? Did he consider that she felt a duty to her mother, which a child shouldn't have to bear?

I dumped a man who was really nice but, it turned out, had a son in his late teens whom he'd never seen since he was a baby! He did make contact and met up with him after I'd - erm, discussed this with him. The young man felt it was too little, too late. So did I.

She chose to live in a different country. Most people in this country can’t just up sticks and move to France. Not being able to speak French is the first obvious hurdle to being able to work and make a life there. People on Mumsnet have this ridiculous notion that dads should basically move to wherever the mother of their kids goes and move in down the road which in most cases is unrealistic. The mum chose and caused this by moving abroad.

I wouldn’t think less of him. What could he realistically have done? Also she would still have been a suicidal alcoholic if he lived nearby and the DD wanted to live with her mum.

I can't see any reason two people in their 50s with seperate and no shared children would choose to marry anyway. Surely that just complicates assets/inheritance etc. Wouldn't be for me in a million years.

If in doubt definitely pause.

Yes it is a very strange phenomenon on this thread. Anyway, surely it is advisable to employ judgement when deciding whether to tie oneself to someone legally, financially and emotionally. What is the harm in taking time to think? Even when you are buying an insurance product there is a cooling off period where you are given further time to make sure that you want to proceed. When someone is rushing me to do something I always step back first.

So you dumped a man based on his actions as a teenager ? No appreciation that people can change ?

Agree 100% - very strange.

Is this based on Spanish law? Because in the UK, it’s a criminal offence to take a child out of the UK without consent of all with parental responsibility. So he would have needed to consent and it would have been abduction if not. But had she asked the court she’d have got permission and most would say it’s nasty and controlling to stop your ex living her life by preventing her from moving.

I agree with this, and it sounds like he has a good relationship with his daughter now.
i have some sympathy for the OPs partner, he was in a very difficult position and no one knows what would have happened if he’d acted otherwise.

You are being ridiculous! She (she not him) moved to a different country where be couldnt be. I suggest you take a look at your neighbours recycling bins to see how many closet alcoholics live in your neighbourhood. Dont you think his wife would have concealed her alcoholism for a couple of days when he visited?

I can see why this would be unsettling for you. I think you need some honest communication with him. Not judgemental communication but that way in couples therapy where you use "I "statements. "I'm glad you told me about your ex wife. That must have been difficult for you but I feel unsettled by it, because..."

I think he is carrying a ton of guilt. Suicide is a horrendous thing to deal with and he will have been judging himself as you are judging him now.

I think he was passive and took an easy option because it probably suited him. To have stepped in and made that decision for his daughter was a harder option. I'm sure he must feel terrible about it in retrospect.

We all have flaws. Maybe he was selfish or weak. Maybe he's grown up since then. Only you know if this is a deal breaker for you but I would identify what is bothering you the most about it (the fact he didn't tell you ? You feel he isn't the person you thought he was? ) and talk about it with him.

If you can't talk about it, then don't get married.

Exactly the same. OP is way out of order here.

If you marry, use this information and experience to maintain a healthy vigilance about his DD's coping strategies.

Be prepared to swap where you live to support your children in times of hardship - like when they have small children or are going through illness, loneliness, job loss or other times of high stress.

His daughter might not have a kit of skills to draw from.

Given the OPs judgement, I would expect she would be happy to do whatever it takes to support his DD going forwards.

If the situations were reversed and a mother knew the child was living with a father who had mental health issues and issues with alcohol would you think that she had done all she could if she'd just told the child 'you can come to live with me?'

It is only illegal if you formally oppose it. Some people would opt not to rather than drag a child through courts and potentially have to move back from wherever they have been taken.