My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

[Dreamingfever]

First of all, I’m going to be mentioning suicide so please don’t read if that will upset you in anyway.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, we are both in our 50s so won’t have any children together. I have a DS from my first marriage, he has a DD from his first marriage, both now early 20s.

DPs first wife passed away 6 years ago, they’d been split for about 7 years before that and I’ve never pried as to the details of his first wife’s death, not my place nor business.
He didn’t live in the UK for most of his adult life, he’s a dual national so spent most of his life in Spain, his mother is Spanish. His first wife was French.
He had told me that once they split his first wife took his daughter to France, he spent most of the holidays with his daughter (who was 12 by the time they split), would take weekends to visit her. I’ve always thought I couldn’t have lived in a different country to my DS but I wasn’t there, I don’t know what the relationship between him and his first wife was like etc. He seems to have a very positive relationship with his daughter, she lives abroad still (different country from either she was raised in) but he calls her often, visits often and we just flew out to spend Christmas with her.

Tonight he seemed upset, I asked why and he told me it was the anniversary of his first wife’s death. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said actually he’d like to tell me about it before we marry.

He told me that his first wife was amazing for many years but when her own parents passed she struggled with her mental health, when they split she asked to take her daughter to her parents home she’d recently inherited and raise her there. He admitted he had been hesitant about her abilities to raise their daughter but he worked long hours, and felt a daughter needed her mother, so agreed.
He then told me that over the years he knew her mother was unwell, an alcoholic he claimed was what he knew. He thought about asking to have his daughter back, reporting it to someone, but feared it would only make things worse. He said he told his daughter she could move home anytime but she never wanted to.
His daughter then moved to a different city for university. Then 6 years ago her mother, his first wife, took her own life, overdose alcohol and prescription drugs.
He arranged everything as his first wife had no living family she was close to, any only child, both parents passed, and her daughter just 19.
He also sold the property and sorted out everything inheritance related for his daughter.

He then said during a deep chat over some wine with his daughter he learned his first wife had been an alcoholic for many years, she never told him as she was scared she’d be separated from her mother. She was honest about her teen years being difficult, often coming home to her mum passed out, making her own meals, taking the metro to school and back unsure of her mothers well being etc.

He admitted he has felt immense guilt since and always finds the anniversary a hard day.

Now I’m conflicted, I feel awful for him. But I worked with young adults and teens for many years and I often felt the excuse of “no one else knew” was a weak one, I’ve always felt it shouldn’t be a child’s responsibility to know when an adult needs help or they need help but someone should be looking out for them, I feel he failed to do this, he knew she was an alcoholic and failed to both protect his daughter and get help for her mother.

This clouds my judgement of him, I feel I can no longer see him as a the devoted father, kind man, and loving partner I believed he was.

AIBU to feel like this? Is it the past, something to be moved on from? Or an indicator that he may not be the kind of man I’ve been made to believe he is?

I agree with @VoltaireMittyDream and others, that the red flag is how he has not spoken about this until now and why.

This is a huge part of his life to keep secret, and means that you have been in a relationship that has been nowhere near as intimate as you believed it to be.

Dating, and then being in a relationship, is a process of discovering who the other person is, and by the time you marry, it would be expected that you have a good idea of this person and who they are. But he's waited until 3 weeks before to tell you about something that must have been a defining event in his life. that under normal circumstances would have come to light much earlier on in your relationship, had he not been actively hiding it.

This is what people are meaning when they talk about a lie by omission. This wouldn't be the case at e.g. 3 months into the relationship, because OP's position in his 'circle of trust' would be very peripheral. But being in a serious relationship, and getting engaged, puts each of you in the position of being one of eachother's most trusted people. A person who knows the best and worst of you, and certainly the biggest and most affecting life events.

This hasn't happened with you, OP. It's like you've been living with him in a pristine house for 3 years and he's suddenly shown you a room you didn't know existed. Of course you will wonder why he's hidden this room for so long. and you might want to see the front of the painting that is facing the wall in it....

I hear you.

I feel like I’ve got a perfectly healthy relationship with my DH so it feels completely strange that the simple question ‘so how did DDs mother die?’ hasn’t been asked before.

Maybe my Dh and I are the weirdos here. Each to their own I guess.

How is he responsible exactly ? He didn’t know the true circumstances until his DD divulged them years later as an adult. What was he supposed to do if his DD wanted to stay with her mother ?

And this is a red flag in itself.

I agree with you. But the OP seems to be making it about his actions many years ago rather than the fact that he is only revealing a pertinent detail of his life now (or the fact that she hasn’t asked before?)

I feel the same.

It's a very sad situation. If my DH told me this I'd feel more inclined to tell him he had to forgive himself and that he did what he thought was best at the time. Also it's in the past and he should just focus on showing up now as much as he can for his family.

It's unfortunate that the wedding is so close because you don't have enough time to process your shock and disappointment.

But you're not asking him to help raise your child and you don't need to have the same parenting standards. If he has been a good partner to you that's what I would focus on.

I have been married to a widower for 22 years. I met him when he was 39. His wife had died of cancer. I knew he was a widower from his dating details. He was totally open from the first date about what had happened. If he had said ' I cant/ don't want to talk about it' repeatedly I would have walked away.

Your poor Fiancé!

I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother. Unless you had been in that situation yourself you wouldn’t understand the pressure to cover it up. I raised my brothers from the age of 6. I would cook their meals, wash and iron their uniforms. As Mum’s alcoholism got worse, within a couple of years I was doing everything. By 8 I was buying their uniforms and Christmas presents, putting plasters on their knees when they hurt themselves, doing all the housework and giving my mum her medication.

NOBODY KNEW for seven years, until I had a breakdown at the age of 12. We even had a social worker who we saw regularly and still managed to keep it hidden. Eventually we were taken into care.

Nobody told us to hide it. We just knew that if we didn’t, we’d be taken away. The prospect of being taken away from your mother as a small child feels life-ending. It was an instinctive reaction to cover it up. We were extra careful to hide it from our Dad, because we knew he’d get us removed.

Please do not blame your fiancé. I’m sure he beats himself up enough, but there’s no way he could have known or done anything to change what happened. I think you’re being very harsh.

It’s only a big deal if you make it into one. He’s not cheated or been abusive or unkind to OP. He seems like a nice man. I mean yeah dump him because he hasn’t fully shared a traumatic part of his past if you want to but I wouldn’t rush to do this. There were men who came back from wars who never ever spoke about what happened to anyone, including spouses. There are victims of abuse who never share with anyone their experiences. Some people do not feel comfortable reliving past trauma or past experiences even with someone they are married to. Notwithstanding the fact that he actually did tell her, albeit slightly further into the relationship than some people deem appropriate.

It would be if there was any evidence from OP that this was the case. He told OP his first wife had died. She didn’t enquire further so it was never discussed.

Op my mother was an alcoholic and whilst I feel a bit of resentment towards my father for leaving me with her I wouldn’t in my wildest dreams expect his current partner to drop him for that. Things aren’t black and white .

People are different. I don't see his reluctance to speak about the circumstances of his ex wife's death a red flag. I see it as someone struggling with the pain of this and blocking it out. I would be more interested in why they split. That might tell you something..

His positive relationship with his DD now is a positive indicator. She as an adult doesn't have issues with how he parented her so why should you?

Is it possible that there are other red flag you have noticed?

Did you follow the context of my post? Someone asked why the OP would not havr known this a long time ago. I am suggesting that people have rigid ideas about how much it is ok to discuss exes.

You’re absolutely not “weirdo’s.

If someone divulged at the start of a relationship that their ex had died, the normal response would be “oh gosh, I’m sorry - what happened”?

I have no idea if it’s the OP or her partner who has been reluctant to talk about this but it doesn’t suggest a healthy dynamic or close emotional connection to me.

I also agree with the poster who said they’re probably unwise to get married in their situation and with having dependents (unless their assets are very strongly ring fenced in some way ie. a will).

Suicide and other traumas are very difficult to talk about unless you have to. For me, I will not divulge information about this to people I have close relationships with because I don’t want to drag them down. I want to keep that between me and my counsellor. Is that hiding? If someone noticed I was upset and asked me directly I would disclose. Op obviously asked him what was wrong and this time he told her.

Put the boot on the other foot for a moment.

Person reveals a deeply traumatic and scarring experience from their past to their partner. An event which bundles together a myriad of difficult emotions.

The partner then immediately makes it all about them and their feelings about something which did not happen to them or affect them and runs off to start a thread on an internet gossip site. In the AIBU forum no less, which is especially for attention seekers and narcissists.

@Dreamingfever I normally default to sympathetic for the OP, but not today

He is responsible for his exes addiction? I wonder if you would be supported if you posted this in the addiction corner of any internet suggesting that women were responsible for their male partner's addiction. I think some might ban you.

Just one more thing to add; while I also find it strange that this wouldn’t have come up in conversation before, I do think there should be consideration of this from a cultural perspective.

A lot of folk are referring to red flags because he didn’t tell her, but actually this man isn’t British and attitudes to alcoholism and suicidal etc can be very different in other other countries.

as such, it’s possible that his omission was more about shame than guilt or trying to hide / cover up his own actions.

Which is the point here. He told OP his wife had died. OP didn’t enquire further. Who’s to say that he wouldn’t have discussed the details if she’d asked.

Well said.

Basically his DD has accepted/forgiven him for his decisions. You don't seem to want to.
You're not wrong to feel differently about him. That's entirely your perogative.
But it doesn't mean that he's a terrible human. He's a flawed human who has made some bad decisions. We all have done this. For some people this will cross a line, for others it won't. No one is right and no one is wrong. Only you can decide if it's something you can live with.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to at least pause for thought after such a revelation. He has admitted that he had doubts about his ex wife’s parenting, that he knew she was unwell and was an alcoholic and it sounds like he has justified his lack of actions to himself and now you.

Personally I would struggle to stay with someone who didn’t try their absolute best for their children as I see it as a huge character flaw. His daughter is still quite young, I think she may not be as ok with her dad’s lack of actions in a few more years, as she is now.

I would also be very annoyed that my partner had not told me any of this until 3 weeks before we were due to be married. Is he telling you so late thinking that you will feel compelled to go ahead with the wedding, whilst convincing himself he’s a good guy for telling you at all.

Think very carefully. Is this really the sort of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? If you have any doubts, then at least delay the wedding for now to give yourself time to think without any immediate time pressure.

The person forbidding it in my example would be the OP. I know people who will dump someone for mentioning that a holiday they took was with an ex. Some really believe that past relationships should be solely in the past and it is so subjective that it makes talking about exes at all pretty awkward.

My best friend ( now 61) would say exactly the same as you. Her father left when she was 10 her sister was 9 and her brother 7. Their mother had a partial breakdown but managed to work at nights as a nurse at the cottage hospital ( the pay was better and it was generally quiet at night) so my friend was left in charge of herself, the home and her 2 siblings alone overnight every night. She said it was never openly discussed but they just knew never ever, ever to mention it to anyone because they would have been taken away and they desperately wanted to stay with their mum. She became the parent of her siblings because she had to. Her father was not involved in their lives for 16 years.

That was a faux pas. A typo if you like.
I meant to say he is NOT responsible for his wife and the tragedy of her death.
His Ex wife’s addiction was most likely secretive.