My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

[Dreamingfever]

First of all, I’m going to be mentioning suicide so please don’t read if that will upset you in anyway.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, we are both in our 50s so won’t have any children together. I have a DS from my first marriage, he has a DD from his first marriage, both now early 20s.

DPs first wife passed away 6 years ago, they’d been split for about 7 years before that and I’ve never pried as to the details of his first wife’s death, not my place nor business.
He didn’t live in the UK for most of his adult life, he’s a dual national so spent most of his life in Spain, his mother is Spanish. His first wife was French.
He had told me that once they split his first wife took his daughter to France, he spent most of the holidays with his daughter (who was 12 by the time they split), would take weekends to visit her. I’ve always thought I couldn’t have lived in a different country to my DS but I wasn’t there, I don’t know what the relationship between him and his first wife was like etc. He seems to have a very positive relationship with his daughter, she lives abroad still (different country from either she was raised in) but he calls her often, visits often and we just flew out to spend Christmas with her.

Tonight he seemed upset, I asked why and he told me it was the anniversary of his first wife’s death. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said actually he’d like to tell me about it before we marry.

He told me that his first wife was amazing for many years but when her own parents passed she struggled with her mental health, when they split she asked to take her daughter to her parents home she’d recently inherited and raise her there. He admitted he had been hesitant about her abilities to raise their daughter but he worked long hours, and felt a daughter needed her mother, so agreed.
He then told me that over the years he knew her mother was unwell, an alcoholic he claimed was what he knew. He thought about asking to have his daughter back, reporting it to someone, but feared it would only make things worse. He said he told his daughter she could move home anytime but she never wanted to.
His daughter then moved to a different city for university. Then 6 years ago her mother, his first wife, took her own life, overdose alcohol and prescription drugs.
He arranged everything as his first wife had no living family she was close to, any only child, both parents passed, and her daughter just 19.
He also sold the property and sorted out everything inheritance related for his daughter.

He then said during a deep chat over some wine with his daughter he learned his first wife had been an alcoholic for many years, she never told him as she was scared she’d be separated from her mother. She was honest about her teen years being difficult, often coming home to her mum passed out, making her own meals, taking the metro to school and back unsure of her mothers well being etc.

He admitted he has felt immense guilt since and always finds the anniversary a hard day.

Now I’m conflicted, I feel awful for him. But I worked with young adults and teens for many years and I often felt the excuse of “no one else knew” was a weak one, I’ve always felt it shouldn’t be a child’s responsibility to know when an adult needs help or they need help but someone should be looking out for them, I feel he failed to do this, he knew she was an alcoholic and failed to both protect his daughter and get help for her mother.

This clouds my judgement of him, I feel I can no longer see him as a the devoted father, kind man, and loving partner I believed he was.

AIBU to feel like this? Is it the past, something to be moved on from? Or an indicator that he may not be the kind of man I’ve been made to believe he is?

yes this, if you dont want to marry him dont you dont need a reason

It’s easy to over simplify such situations from a distance. You weren’t there, and now all you have is the benefit of hindsight - but you’re choosing to judge him poorly. Meanwhile, his daughter - who was there, and was directly affected by the whole situation - doesn’t seem to resent him at all.

Is there a particular reason why you’re taking this stance?

Ignore every comment on this thread except for this one!

My parents split when I was 11 I moved away with my mother and stepfather at 13. Not to another country, but a 3 hour flight away so it may as well have been. My stepfather was awful. Had anyone known what he was like they’d have stepped in, they didn’t though, because I said nothing. Should others have known? Maybe. He was well known for his explosive temper. The complete opposite of my dad.

I also had a say in where I lived. That is important. Yes he allowed his daughter to move away, but no doubt she had an opinion on where she wanted to live. These things just aren’t as straightforward as you are making out. It’s just not black and white. He didn’t leave her with ‘someone’. He left her with her mother. It sounds like he has many regrets. He sounds like he’d do things differently in hindsight.

Is he close with his daughter now? Does she resent him? Does she blame him? If not, why do you?

I agree with this. If you can't let go of this then maybe cut him free and he can find someone who won't judge him for something beyond his control. This is between him and his daughter, nothing whatsoever to do with you, and you seem to have a very simplistic view of what being an alcoholic means.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and we all live to regret some choices we made in the past. However we cant change the past, we can only move forward. It sounds like his DD is a resilient and competent young woman with whom he has a positive relationship. Surely that is the important thing here?

Agree with all points above.

I agree with this.

It's a very complicated situation that happened years ago, and I'm not sure there would've been a right way to handle it. Whatever he could've done would've had negative consequences.

I can see how it happened - his daughter wanted to be with her mother, of course. Her mother thought she would benefit from moving home so he allowed it, thinking it was for the best. He had a job and life in Spain that he didn't want to uproot, but he visited his daughter monthly, so stayed involved. This all seems reasonable, albeit I couldn't imagine living so far from my children.

When he realised his ex-wife was struggling, he repeatedly told his teenage daughter she could move home with him. At her age, he couldn't have forced his daughter to live with him, I imagine - not if she was insistent on staying. I'd have to imagine that family courts would've got involved, that there would've been legal battles, that he'd have to prove his ex-wife was an unfit mother...all of this from another country, putting more stress on his ex-wife, and going against his teenage daughter's wishes.

His daughter could've very easily resented him for this, and their relationship could've soured. Her mother might have deteriorated more under the strain, and the daughter could've blamed her father. And considering that not long after his daughter left home, her mother did kill herself, if he had succeeded in forcing his daughter to live with him, her mother might have killed herself back then, and the daughter would've felt that both she and her father were to blame for it.

If he hadn't let his wife move home, then he would've been trapping her in a foreign country when she just wanted to return to her roots, and his daughter might have decided that was why her mother's mental health and drinking became so bad, and again, blamed him.

So really, who can say he didn't make the best decisions in a bad situation?

As it is, if the daughter has a close relationship with him, and he's been a caring, wonderful partner up until now...why is this such a big deal to you??

Completely agree with all the above!

France is signed up to the Hague Convention, which means that in the case of international divorce, one parent can only take the children out of the country where they normally live if the other parent agrees.

In other words, the OP's partner gave his permission to take the daughter to France to live. Many would say no, and they'd all have had to stay in Spain until the daughter was 18. When the partner said yes, he was saying yes to a life far away from his kid, where he couldn't protect her from anything. In his shoes, I would never have said yes.

The US is signed up the Hague Convention too, which is why Angelina Jolie couldn't take the kids to live abroad. In the US, you can't even take them out of the state without the other parent's permission. I'm not sure if there are area boundaries within Spain when it comes to the Hague Convention, but it's the most likely that they all would have stayed roughly in the same area if he had said no.

Someone upthread said they were not having kids together so it didn't matter if the marriage was the wrong choice. Well, I beg to differ. My exH and I also didn't have kids, and the marriage was so awful it almost destroyed me.

FWIW, I couldn't be with someone who had let their minor kid move countries without them. I need someone warmer than that.

OP, if you're having doubts, for heaven's sake postpone the wedding. Who cares that it's close.

They were divorced and living in different countries, and the mother had custody. What do you think he could have done?

Personally. It would make me doubt if he would be taking care of OP should she need it, given how easily he abandoned his own daughter in an unsafe situation for a child for his own convenience.

He failed his teenage DD and I think she will likely grow more aware of how badly he did so when she gets older and has her own children.

That's up to him. Since you aren't going to have kids with him, maybe it doesn't matter.

As to the manner of exW's death, that isn't really something I'd lightly talk about and I disagree with those saying he should have told you before. My DH and I each lost someone important to suicide when we were young and it's not something we have ever really directly talked about beyond the odd sentence. Just when we handle the death certificates of those involved as we do from time to time Some things just cut deep and aren't subjects for chit-chat. DH's loss was especially terrible and I wouldn't hurt him by raising the subject.

Hindsight is always so easy isn't it?

Maybe he did take the easy way out, maybe he could have done more, but it sounds like he and his daughter have a good relationship now, so I'd be taking that into account.

It's natural to reflect after a death, maybe regret and guilt are part of that. I think they're a natural part of life.

My kids are grown up and while I think I was a pretty good parent and they've all turned out well, I still feel guilt about things that maybe I could have done better, even though I did what I had the capacity to do at the time.

I think what you've found is that the 'perfect man' has a flawed and human side to him. I've got no idea why this would seemingly change everything, unless there's some other reason why you've suddenly got cold feet.

I would feel how you do OP and this wouldn’t sit right with me at all. I would also be suspicious of why he has left it right up until weeks before your marriage to him to tell you. Is it so that you feel you have no choice but to go ahead with the marriage? Is he telling you everything or is there more to it and this is him telling you part of the story so he can say he told you before marriage, but actually there is more to the story, he knew a lot more than he’s letting on but wants to ease his guilt? Maybe, maybe not.

I would want more than 3 weeks to think this over, discuss it more and see what else comes out before I made a decision to marry him. He must be able to see that this may change things.

I agree with all if this. My DM was a functioning alcoholic. We knew, most people didn't realise as she masked well.
Children feel incredible loyalty to their parents in most cases, even if they don't deserve it.
You weren't there, you didn't live it...his DD did and she said she hid a lot of things so that she wasn't removed from her mother.
The DD can judge him...I don't think you have the right.
If you don't want to get married, don't.

He knew. He couldn't be bothered to raise his child. My grandfather was an alcoholic and the thing about alcoholics is a lot of people enable them and then lie. I'm betting most of the people who are calling you unreasonable either have no experience of this, are themselves enabler s. They don't have to live with him though. Trust your gut. @Dreamingfever

You feel what you feel. Maybe postpone the wedding and take some time to process all this, perhaps see a therapist for a neutral sounding board. Do you have a relationship with his daughter where you would see her on your own? Would it reassure you to spend a bit of time with her and make sure that she is really ok (assuming she is)? Obviously all this will have had an effect on her, but what?

Having lost my husband to suicide, and having been blamed for that death by a particular person, I would feel very strongly that he is not responsible either for his ex-wife’s tragic death or for her alcoholism. And there are plenty of people here and in RL who take a long time to understand that their partner is an alcoholic. I have good friends, many of whom are good parents, who have problems with alcohol but who I wouldn’t have hesitated to allow to look after my own ds.

Fundamentally, don’t marry someone you are not sure about. But I wonder if this is throwing up some things from your own life, and your own child’s upbringing in some way?

You are making some huge assumptions, I think. You are assuming that you know how the relationship between mother and DD played out. DD had a relationship with her DM which , although difficult, was important to her. You know nothing about the dynamic between them. The mother may not have been passed out every single day of their lives. It sounds like he did everything he could for his daughter. If she had wanted to leave no doubt he would have made that happen. He did his best. At least that is how it sounds to me. You are almost saying that he deceived you in some way. It doesn’t sound like that to me. Is he perfect? No.

I would think less of him as a father too.

What it boils down to is that he let his daughter be taken away by someone who he had doubts about and then didn’t follow up. Choosing to live in another country and visit infrequently. He knew things weren’t as they should be but chose to offer his daughter age inappropriate choices to salve his conscience instead of ensuring she was safe and well cared for.

These are not the actions of a good parent. They’re pretty selfish really.

But the question is, OP, what does this mean for your marriage?

Have you seen him sacrifice for others he should care for in other circumstances, or does he always choose the route that lets him off the hook? Will you be able to rely on him if things go wrong for you at some point?

If he's now adult daughter holds no resentment towards him and she lived it, I don't think you have any right to judge him on how he managed this, OP. She clearly doesn't feel he abandoned her in the midst of her mum's issues.

Is this the first time you've been told of how she died?.

I’d be concerned that, as it’s taken this long to tell you, that there’s more to it.

OP is allowed her own feelings on this as his partner and potentially future wife, independent of the feelings of his daughter towards him.

I can totally see why he would not be sharing it. I wouldnt either.
Also are you suggesting he was somehow responsible for it?

Didn't say she wasn't allowed her own feelings on it. I personally just don't believe they trump the feelings of the daughter.