My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

[Dreamingfever]

First of all, I’m going to be mentioning suicide so please don’t read if that will upset you in anyway.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, we are both in our 50s so won’t have any children together. I have a DS from my first marriage, he has a DD from his first marriage, both now early 20s.

DPs first wife passed away 6 years ago, they’d been split for about 7 years before that and I’ve never pried as to the details of his first wife’s death, not my place nor business.
He didn’t live in the UK for most of his adult life, he’s a dual national so spent most of his life in Spain, his mother is Spanish. His first wife was French.
He had told me that once they split his first wife took his daughter to France, he spent most of the holidays with his daughter (who was 12 by the time they split), would take weekends to visit her. I’ve always thought I couldn’t have lived in a different country to my DS but I wasn’t there, I don’t know what the relationship between him and his first wife was like etc. He seems to have a very positive relationship with his daughter, she lives abroad still (different country from either she was raised in) but he calls her often, visits often and we just flew out to spend Christmas with her.

Tonight he seemed upset, I asked why and he told me it was the anniversary of his first wife’s death. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said actually he’d like to tell me about it before we marry.

He told me that his first wife was amazing for many years but when her own parents passed she struggled with her mental health, when they split she asked to take her daughter to her parents home she’d recently inherited and raise her there. He admitted he had been hesitant about her abilities to raise their daughter but he worked long hours, and felt a daughter needed her mother, so agreed.
He then told me that over the years he knew her mother was unwell, an alcoholic he claimed was what he knew. He thought about asking to have his daughter back, reporting it to someone, but feared it would only make things worse. He said he told his daughter she could move home anytime but she never wanted to.
His daughter then moved to a different city for university. Then 6 years ago her mother, his first wife, took her own life, overdose alcohol and prescription drugs.
He arranged everything as his first wife had no living family she was close to, any only child, both parents passed, and her daughter just 19.
He also sold the property and sorted out everything inheritance related for his daughter.

He then said during a deep chat over some wine with his daughter he learned his first wife had been an alcoholic for many years, she never told him as she was scared she’d be separated from her mother. She was honest about her teen years being difficult, often coming home to her mum passed out, making her own meals, taking the metro to school and back unsure of her mothers well being etc.

He admitted he has felt immense guilt since and always finds the anniversary a hard day.

Now I’m conflicted, I feel awful for him. But I worked with young adults and teens for many years and I often felt the excuse of “no one else knew” was a weak one, I’ve always felt it shouldn’t be a child’s responsibility to know when an adult needs help or they need help but someone should be looking out for them, I feel he failed to do this, he knew she was an alcoholic and failed to both protect his daughter and get help for her mother.

This clouds my judgement of him, I feel I can no longer see him as a the devoted father, kind man, and loving partner I believed he was.

AIBU to feel like this? Is it the past, something to be moved on from? Or an indicator that he may not be the kind of man I’ve been made to believe he is?

Honestly not trying to be judgey, just curious but:

DP’s first wife passed away 6 years ago, they’d been split for about 7 years before that and I’ve never pried as to the details of his first wife’s death, not my place nor business.

I find it a bit strange that you’ve been together 4 years, are planning to marry and haven’t spoken about this stuff. Has it never come up in conversation in 4 years? If dh had an ex that’d died I’d be like “Gosh, what happened?”. This maybe suggests a reluctance to discuss tricky/emotional
things in your relationship which could be a problem?

I can understand what you’re saying. It would
make me lose a bit of respect for him - but a lot of men seem to be able to disassociate themselves from their children’s lives like this if it suits them. Perhaps he didn’t really want to know what was going on too deeply as then he’d have had to do something about it?

I’m not sure if it’d be a reason for me to stop seeing him though if he’s an otherwise good man - people make mistakes. It may just take you a bit of time to digest it and have a think, which is fine.

Maybe understand what OP is saying before posting. He didn’t move to another country, his first wife moved back to her home country.

There is an awful lot of judgment going on in this thread from those who were not involved at the time, including, dare I say, from you, OP. I can see how this has all been very difficult for you to learn, but I think he deserves some credit for telling you. He didn't have to, and it must have been painful for him. He wishes to go into this marriage in a spirit of openness, which augurs well for the future.

As a side issue, and as someone married to a foreign national myself, I think the fact his wife was French should be considered when some posters judge him for "allowing" her to move to France with the daughter. It is quite likely that in doing so she would have had friends and relatives there to act as a support network in raising her daughter. Certainly it is probable that it would have helped her in establishing new social contacts and employment going forward. Who among us cannot understand that someone might wish to return to their roots to lick their wounds after a painful divorce? The situation was nuanced with pros and cons, especially if the wife was ill. I see this as being completely different from the scenario we often see on MN, where a feckless parent wishes to take their children abroad to country they have no links with, often at the behest of a new partner. This case is not as straightforward - and he clearly went to great effort and expense to keep up the contact with his daughter in the following years. Judging by these pages, few fathers would have made so much effort.

I understand this has come as a shock OP and you have my sympathy. Suicide is shocking. How much more of a shock must it have been for him and his daughter though, and I think it is admirable that he stepped up to the plate in the aftermath and that they have such a close and supportive relationship. That speaks for his character.

My fear is that in coming to terms with this uncomfortable truth you are in danger of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, and I feel that would be a terrible shame. I wish you well. 🌹

Yes and this was 13yrs ago. We take 50/50 for granted these days but even 13yrs ago the courts were more biased towards women/mothers. I dated a man once whose ex did take his kids to France. He went through the courts and the courts still ruled in favour of his ex in the kids best interest’s, that must of been at least 10ish years ago.

I think we are also more aware these days that alcohol abuse doesn’t always fit the old stereotype of an alcoholic, you read on here all the time about partners being great at there jobs but heavy drinkers at home. She may of been someone who could meet all her daughter’s physical needs just perhaps not emotionally.

Lie by omission? Are you for real?

I would never expect anyone to talk about such horrific, traumatic events from their past. No one has the right to demand that.

Especially as it was the DD's tragedy even more so than his.

I absolutely agree with this.

One of the much used words on MN which I absolutely hate is Judgemental.
But i'm going to use it now.

Some of the judgemental posts on this thread are breath taking.

And the fact OP is sitting in judgement over a situation which was obviously really difficult for all concerned but which her intended H and his dd have come out of with a mutually close and loving relationship is really sad.

Much better she doesn't marry him.

many many adults today were children of the 70s and 80s and grew up with alcoholics in plain sight and nobody did anything about it. I honestly don’t think people understood the damage it caused to children then. Let it go. He has a good relationship with his daughter and he’s obviously very reflective about the way he handled things back then. Had he removed her from her mother she would have had a different wound. It’s not straightforward at all.

I think it's really really odd and sad that your instinct is to judge him this

I don't really see what bearing it has you marrying him. If you're having second of thoughts anyway then of course don't marry him.

This was clearly a complicated and nuanced situation and it's really odd that you're seeing it in black and white.

As a mum I actually really admire dads who recognize the importance of the mother child relationship.

I think your reaction maybe suggests that you Are looking for an excuse to not proceed with the wedding

Op and her partner have been together four years and there will have been an anniversary of the ex wife's death once a year. So why this year and not one of the previous three? Three weeks before the wedding is poor timing however you look at it. His ex wife committed suicide and he only decides to tell his fiancée now just before the wedding. Something is off. That is non disclosure of highly relevant information in my view.

Because maybe the OP is sanctimonious and judging and it would have been difficult for him to confide in her and be able to rely on her support and understanding. Maybe the OP has form for this?

I think when people are judgmental it’s usually because they don’t understand the complexity of situations and see things as very black and white. Removing the daughter would not have been sunshine and rainbows. It would have been different trauma. There was no trauma free solution to this situation.

It does sound as though both dad and daughter have navigated their way to a supportive adult relationship - which is something to be appreciated.

My mother was an abusive druggie alcoholic and my father left and did nothing to help me or my sister. I begged him to let us live with him but he refused. He's a selfish asshole and I blame him for my terrible childhood. However if he had done what your partner did and offered to let me live with him then I wouldn't blame him at all. Your partner sounds like a decent guy and I don't think you should hold this against him

You have worked with young people, but have you worked with or lived with an alcoholic? (Or indeed any kind of addict) They can be incredibly adept and cunning at hiding their drinking for years, sometimes holding down highly responsible jobs, with nobody suspecting. If HE never witnessed her incapable or passed out, just a bit tiddly at times, he probably had no idea what his poor daughter went through. He stepped up and sorted out his wife's estate for his daughter, which is no small job. I think you need to talk about this more and tell him how you feel, rather than let it bubble away inside you. I hope you work it out between you.

Hes choosing to tell you all this now. Why? I think he feels bad about his role and wants to get it off his chest. Dumping it all on you, to do what with? 🙄

Imo he should have been a much better father.

I'm not sure whether the daughter would have wanted to leave her Mum to her alcoholic death wish. But regardless of this, he should have done more

I wouldn’t marry a man like this.

I think l agree with this, although it might seem harsh. OP wasn’t there when these events took place so really isn’t in a position to judge. I think the reality is that he did the best he could with what he had at the time, and that’s all anyone can do.

He clearly has a good relationship with his daughter, and that’s the best indicator that he did what was right for her at the time in very difficult long distance circumstances. The reluctance to discuss it likely means he has some guilt from thinking he could have done things differently but hindsight is 20/20. OP wading in with ill informed judgement at this point won’t change anything. If she feels unable to continue the relationship she should be honest and call a halt to it for the sake of e erroneous involved.

Last line should read ‘for the sake of everyone involved’. Autocorrect seems to be on steroids !!

What more do you think he could have done ?

I can’t get over the fact that in all your time together you didn’t ask about how his first wife died! Of course it’s your place to ask and also your business if you were in a long term relationship with him!

I think i see it more as "between a rock and a hard place".
If he had taken his DD from her mum, her mum would have in all likelihood killed herself earlier, 19 is bad enough to lose a mum but what about 16 or 13?
Accessing support for alcoholics and mental health care is difficult when you live in the same town, as is getting the alcoholic to be compliant with an support, particularly long term. He was in a different country.

It sounds like he tried to balance things, offering the DD a home and not forcing her. Beyond that, maybe with hindsight he might of handled it differently, but he also might have made it worse.

For me the test would be the relationship he has now with his daughter.

Yep - they are about to share their lives permanently and become financially inter-linked. Of course I would expect my DP to trust me enough to share significant past issues … which he just did, voluntarily!! Are you for real?

Dreamingfever@, I hope you can feel better about this soon.
this pictured (as soon as some1 @ msnet passes it 🙂) quote jumped into my mind as I was reading your op & wonder if it could help your DP.

And hindsight is 20:20. None of us were there. None of us know what conversations were had or why he felt that agreeing to the move was the right decision, perhaps thinking her mental health would be improved if she was in her home country. Pound to a penny, if she had posted here, people would have told her to just move and make him take her to court to get his daughter back.

It is rarely as simple as "all he had to do". But this is MN, it is always a man's fault, even when the mum is the alcoholic neglectful parent.

This is the part I am struggling with. How did these details not come up in conversation? You may not have been privy to all the details of their relationship or separation or the ensuing guilt your DH to be has been carrying around but how did the cause of death of your DHs exW and mother of his child not come up in conversation?

Car accident? Cancer? Natural causes? Suicide? It just seems like something you would have known…

Another DD of an alcoholic here. I can see both sides as my DF moved to another country and left me with an addict in the UK.

People change and with age comes insight, that is all normal. But T
the red flag for me is that he left it this late to talk to you about this, and that this is the first time you have noticed any issues around the anniversary.

He may be worth sticking with, but pressing pause on the marriage for a while might not be a bad idea if this has thrown up legitimate questions for you. You need time to process this apart from anything, particularly of it clashes with your values base.