My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

[Dreamingfever]

First of all, I’m going to be mentioning suicide so please don’t read if that will upset you in anyway.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, we are both in our 50s so won’t have any children together. I have a DS from my first marriage, he has a DD from his first marriage, both now early 20s.

DPs first wife passed away 6 years ago, they’d been split for about 7 years before that and I’ve never pried as to the details of his first wife’s death, not my place nor business.
He didn’t live in the UK for most of his adult life, he’s a dual national so spent most of his life in Spain, his mother is Spanish. His first wife was French.
He had told me that once they split his first wife took his daughter to France, he spent most of the holidays with his daughter (who was 12 by the time they split), would take weekends to visit her. I’ve always thought I couldn’t have lived in a different country to my DS but I wasn’t there, I don’t know what the relationship between him and his first wife was like etc. He seems to have a very positive relationship with his daughter, she lives abroad still (different country from either she was raised in) but he calls her often, visits often and we just flew out to spend Christmas with her.

Tonight he seemed upset, I asked why and he told me it was the anniversary of his first wife’s death. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said actually he’d like to tell me about it before we marry.

He told me that his first wife was amazing for many years but when her own parents passed she struggled with her mental health, when they split she asked to take her daughter to her parents home she’d recently inherited and raise her there. He admitted he had been hesitant about her abilities to raise their daughter but he worked long hours, and felt a daughter needed her mother, so agreed.
He then told me that over the years he knew her mother was unwell, an alcoholic he claimed was what he knew. He thought about asking to have his daughter back, reporting it to someone, but feared it would only make things worse. He said he told his daughter she could move home anytime but she never wanted to.
His daughter then moved to a different city for university. Then 6 years ago her mother, his first wife, took her own life, overdose alcohol and prescription drugs.
He arranged everything as his first wife had no living family she was close to, any only child, both parents passed, and her daughter just 19.
He also sold the property and sorted out everything inheritance related for his daughter.

He then said during a deep chat over some wine with his daughter he learned his first wife had been an alcoholic for many years, she never told him as she was scared she’d be separated from her mother. She was honest about her teen years being difficult, often coming home to her mum passed out, making her own meals, taking the metro to school and back unsure of her mothers well being etc.

He admitted he has felt immense guilt since and always finds the anniversary a hard day.

Now I’m conflicted, I feel awful for him. But I worked with young adults and teens for many years and I often felt the excuse of “no one else knew” was a weak one, I’ve always felt it shouldn’t be a child’s responsibility to know when an adult needs help or they need help but someone should be looking out for them, I feel he failed to do this, he knew she was an alcoholic and failed to both protect his daughter and get help for her mother.

This clouds my judgement of him, I feel I can no longer see him as a the devoted father, kind man, and loving partner I believed he was.

AIBU to feel like this? Is it the past, something to be moved on from? Or an indicator that he may not be the kind of man I’ve been made to believe he is?

I couldn't marry any man who willingly lived in another country to his young child.

I would feel very uncomfortable with this too and would see him differently. He left it to a child to decide where to live despite knowing that she was living with an alcoholic. It’s irrelevant whether he knew the extent of the alcoholism. That is not what a good, responsible father does.

I’d also be very concerned that he has only just told you all this. How long ago was his conversation with his daughter? How long has he been hiding this information? My DH and I talk about everything. Even things we are not proud of. Because how else can you really know one another? That’s how I’d feel, like I don’t really know him.

I think it’s 50/50. He told OP his first wife had died. OP didn’t enquire further and it’s never come up in conversation because she felt it wasn’t her place to ask the details. And yet on the one occasion she did ask, it all came tumbling out. Not sure what that says about either of them to be honest, but I’d be interested to know how long ago his DD told him the truth of the extent of her mothers’ problems. His guilt clearly comes from the fact that he now knows he didn’t have all the facts at the time, and that if he had, he maybe would have acted differently. I think this suggests that his DD’s revelations were fairly recent.

I think you’re being unfair. You can’t judge a situation using hindsight. Of course you now know so many more details and that it ended up so tragically but at the time he did what he thought was for the best.

This is such dangerous nonsense that it beggers belief.

So he should just blindly follow the mother around even if he has no job, home etc? How silly.

He sounds fairly selfish OP

Is he selfish in other ways?

Could you marry a man who forced his ex to remain in a country she didn’t want to be in and was miserable there? I get the sense on Mumsnet that it’s all about the performance rather than what’s best for the kids. “Couldn’t be with a man who didn’t fight for 50/50
for his kids” (alongside loads of threads about how 50/50 isn’t good for kids). “Couldn’t be with a man who let his ex take their child to her home country” (alongside threads about how an OP living abroad needs to get the kids to the UK urgently and settle there, without fathers consent).

Im just wondering what sort of relationship you have with this man that the fact of his wife dying by suicide is brand new information to you!? I’m struggling to imagine how information like this has never been talked about when you’ve been getting to know each other. You seem deeply affected by learning this brand new information about your partners life, but it doesn’t sound like either of you have made much effort to get to know each other?

It really, really isn’t.

realistically what could he have done. She had custody and she chose to return home, where she presumably had friends and family.

he couldn’t compete with that but did his best to visit regularly while working and presumably providing financial support.

she probably hid the extent of her alcoholism. my mum did. if you haven’t loved an alcoholic you probably won’t appreciate what it’s like. only the daughter would know the full extent.

he needs counselling. you are judging him far too harshly. he is judging himself far too harshly. his daughter still loves him. why shouldn’t anyone else.

the past is not your business. it only came up as it was her anniversary date. just the timing is upsetting. i think youve got pre wedding jitters.

i’d still marry him if i loved him.
dont if you don’t.
just look at who he is today before you decide.

Lots of people cover up suicide. Famously, Michael McIntyre never knew his father killed himself until his stepmother told him the truth before he did Who Do You Think You Are? He was 17 when he died but was led to believe he had a heart attack.

I know a woman who thought her mother died from sepsis post childbirth. She found out while pregnant that he mother killed herself while suffering with PPP a few days after her younger brother's birth as an aunt thought she should know that her mother had poor perinatal mental health both times she had a baby.

Yes it is. It is absolute rubbish and harmful to the millions of people who love or have loved an addict.

I’m a bit torn with this. My mother was an alcoholic and I don’t blame my father for not taking action or getting her help. Even as I’m typing this I’m asking myself why.

I understand that you are looking at it from you professional point of view, as an outsider looking in on situations, but sometimes when you are enmeshed in a situation, you can’t see the wood for the trees and this is probably what your partner was like. Sometimes it’s difficult to take action when it’s your norm.

I understand the responses on here that are negative towards him. None of us like to think of a child growing up in these circumstances or the impact on the people around them and those of us who work with children and families who are affected by similar issues see quite clearly how these manifest.

But when you are on the inside, it isn't always clear what the right course of action is.

Without making it about me, I am going to share a bit of my own situation.

I'm nc with a parent. It took SS and the police getting involved to finally make me see that going nc was what I needed to do. When, in reality, I should have done it 13+ years beforehand. My children weren't harmed by continued contact with my parent but were affected. But they'd have still been affected if I'd gone nc. Just differently.

When you're in the situation, you don't see it they way it looks on the outside. The decisions you make are based upon the choices that are available to you at the time. You try to imagine what the outcomes of any decision you make will be and you try to choose the decision that have the least damaging impact/outcome. You find ways of managing. That's human nature.

Are those always the right decisions? In hindsight, often not. But they often feel like the right or the 'only' choice at the time. There's very rarely a perfect outcome/solution and most people just try to do what they believe is for the best at the time with the limited information they have available to them.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5471253-thoughts-on-these-posts

OP doesn’t have to be ok with this. Her feelings are valid despite what her partner or daughter feel about this. She gets to decide if she wants to be with someone who didn’t do the best he could for his child. She is contemplating marrying this man, she has feelings on this matter. That isn’t making it all about her, it’s being sensible about a decision that will impact her future.

You think that this is utter rubbish? The OP’s partner knew his ex was an alcoholic and had MH issues and didn’t stand in the way of letting his child move to another country with her dm. You can understand his reasons for doing this and don’t think it makes him a bad person - but still find it changes your feelings for someone. I don’t think it does make him a bad person but personally I can’t imagine any situation where I’d let my alcoholic, mentally unwell ex-dh take my dcs to live abroad.

The people advising the OP to ignore her feelings or telling her that she’s wrong for feeling that way are really barking up the wrong tree.

Exactly. Then your friend finds out that they her Dh and her ex had a drug problem and she died in a drug fueled binge but nobody thought to ask how she died and now your friend is dealing with a divorce from a drug addict. So many things wrong with not asking!

I don't think you're being unreasonable, you are completely entitled to your feelings.

However, everyone makes mistakes and it's clear this man feels very deep remorse for his part in his daughter's sad childhood. So much so that he was reluctant to tell you about it because he felt so ashamed. He's reconciled with his daughter and made amends, and they have a fantastic relationship now - I think, in your position, I would focus on that.

Bad men don't feel ashamed. They justify their actions, sweep them under the rug, abandon their responsibilities. Good men own up, feel remorse, make amends and continue learning.

I think if this is a dealbreaker then so be it, your boundaries aren't up for debate and it's nobody's right to tell you how to feel. But I think the signs point toward this man being a good person, and if you love him maybe consider giving him some grace.

I think he was probably between a rock and a hard place.
It's drummed into us that kids are better off with the mother and, at face value, he seems to have sacrificed his own well-being and relationship with his daughter to accommodate this.
Alcoholics can be very deceptive even if you live with them; given that the mother was in a different country, she was well placed to hide the extent of her addiction.
Poor daughter, though.
I do feel we seek to blame everyone except the alcoholic, but in this instance, the buck surely stops with a mother who failed her daughter.
That your fiance has a close relationship with his daughter is a good indicator that he's a decent man.

Stop now..this sounds more like you're looking for an excuse to not marry this man than anything else..he was honest with you before you got married..his daughter could have told you the extent of things if it was that bad but she didn't.. he went every month..christ its in the past what do you want from him now.. Actually no,leave him let him find someone else who will love him without your higher judgement

What you’re saying is perfectly valid and understandable and I don’t think most posters are saying he’s a bad person.

But the OP is also totally valid to find it changes her feelings about him. Just the fact he’d never discussed this in 4 years would be enough to make me a little concerned.

Women are berated on here every day for not noticing red flags or listening to their gut. Imagine a thread where the OP is married and tied to someone and then finds out something shocking or life changing about them down the line that means she’s questioning things. And she then divulges that he waited 4 years to tell her about the situation of his dc moving abroad with her dm, him knowing of the dm’s issues with MH and alcohol and the alcoholic mother of his child then killing herself. And that she then had second thoughts about him but married him anyway. People would be falling over themselves to tell her she was silly for not trusting her gut and seeing the signs.

Bad men don't feel ashamed. They justify their actions, sweep them under the rug, abandon their responsibilities. Good men own up, feel remorse, make amends and continue learning

I agree with this - and I’ve said already I don’t think it makes him a bad person.
But the OP should absolutely take stock of marrying if she’s having second thoughts about him. And she isn’t “judgey” or bad to feel that way as some posters are suggesting.

You dont know if it was the best for his child to take her away. Things arent as clear cut as that. Her mother might have believed she has nothing to live for and killed herself back then and then the daughter blames herself for "abandoning" her mother and her father and/or the courts for making her do it.

You do not know what was best for her so you cannot say he has done badly. All we know is that you would wade in and do what made YOU rest easy instead of what might really be best for the child. That is just selfish.

He made bad decisions in life and he should feel guilty and work through why he acted that way. My exh left two children, and explained that away to me (in hindsight I was stupid to believe him) the difference there is that exh didnt ever take any responsibility or accountability and didnt have a good relationship with his children. His decision absolutely showed his true personality and my biggest regret is that i didnt see it. Your fiance seems to be different, and it is up to you whether you chose to go ahead or wait. We can all make terrible decisions in life (I did in chosing to believe my exh, having a child with him and he is not the best co parent now. I have undergone counselling and a lot of self thought to ensure i never do this again, and to try to support my DD as best as possible having brought her into this mess!) I do agree with PPs though that you feeling you couldn't discuss this with him is far more of a worry and I would think that you may not be ready to marry now.