My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

[Dreamingfever]

First of all, I’m going to be mentioning suicide so please don’t read if that will upset you in anyway.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, we are both in our 50s so won’t have any children together. I have a DS from my first marriage, he has a DD from his first marriage, both now early 20s.

DPs first wife passed away 6 years ago, they’d been split for about 7 years before that and I’ve never pried as to the details of his first wife’s death, not my place nor business.
He didn’t live in the UK for most of his adult life, he’s a dual national so spent most of his life in Spain, his mother is Spanish. His first wife was French.
He had told me that once they split his first wife took his daughter to France, he spent most of the holidays with his daughter (who was 12 by the time they split), would take weekends to visit her. I’ve always thought I couldn’t have lived in a different country to my DS but I wasn’t there, I don’t know what the relationship between him and his first wife was like etc. He seems to have a very positive relationship with his daughter, she lives abroad still (different country from either she was raised in) but he calls her often, visits often and we just flew out to spend Christmas with her.

Tonight he seemed upset, I asked why and he told me it was the anniversary of his first wife’s death. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said actually he’d like to tell me about it before we marry.

He told me that his first wife was amazing for many years but when her own parents passed she struggled with her mental health, when they split she asked to take her daughter to her parents home she’d recently inherited and raise her there. He admitted he had been hesitant about her abilities to raise their daughter but he worked long hours, and felt a daughter needed her mother, so agreed.
He then told me that over the years he knew her mother was unwell, an alcoholic he claimed was what he knew. He thought about asking to have his daughter back, reporting it to someone, but feared it would only make things worse. He said he told his daughter she could move home anytime but she never wanted to.
His daughter then moved to a different city for university. Then 6 years ago her mother, his first wife, took her own life, overdose alcohol and prescription drugs.
He arranged everything as his first wife had no living family she was close to, any only child, both parents passed, and her daughter just 19.
He also sold the property and sorted out everything inheritance related for his daughter.

He then said during a deep chat over some wine with his daughter he learned his first wife had been an alcoholic for many years, she never told him as she was scared she’d be separated from her mother. She was honest about her teen years being difficult, often coming home to her mum passed out, making her own meals, taking the metro to school and back unsure of her mothers well being etc.

He admitted he has felt immense guilt since and always finds the anniversary a hard day.

Now I’m conflicted, I feel awful for him. But I worked with young adults and teens for many years and I often felt the excuse of “no one else knew” was a weak one, I’ve always felt it shouldn’t be a child’s responsibility to know when an adult needs help or they need help but someone should be looking out for them, I feel he failed to do this, he knew she was an alcoholic and failed to both protect his daughter and get help for her mother.

This clouds my judgement of him, I feel I can no longer see him as a the devoted father, kind man, and loving partner I believed he was.

AIBU to feel like this? Is it the past, something to be moved on from? Or an indicator that he may not be the kind of man I’ve been made to believe he is?

I agree with this. I think he made what he thought was the best decision for his DD at the time. He could have stepped in and removed his DD from her mother and she may never have forgiven him.

It doesn't make him a bad person. We all make mistakes and hindsight is a great thing.

You are still missing the point. He may have done what was best for the child - we don’t know if it was best for the child - only the dd could answer that.

That still doesn’t mean the OP should ignore the reservations she’s now having about what happened and the fact he’s only just brought this up after 4 years together.

I would say this. Whether people think he's right or wrong in everything that has happened, that's largely irrelevant.

YOUR first reaction, as the person closest to him in the world who has to share literal life with him, your kneejerk reaction was that you're unhappy and not agreeing with how he dealt with things.

Please don't ignore that. It's your morals, your base level of truth and integrity.

Going into a marriage with an emotional splinter lodged under the skin of your whole outlook on him now, it has the potential to fester and infect everything.

And I daresay he knows that, on some level, hence why he's told you.

Once you suddenly see that yours and his morals don't line up as you assumed, once you realise that you don't share the same modes of action over fundamental things, it does real damage. Smoothing the icing back down on the cake is easy, but eating it for the rest of your life can become sickening.

The past cannot be rewritten, he essentially neglected his own child's wellbeing. You can write your future though. However that looks. Pausing marriage and investing in therapy for them both? Or cutting your losses, maybe. But always, always acknowledge your responses and feelings and act accordingly.

It does sound as if he opted out because it was easier for him. He has left it late to tell you as he is clearly aware it doesn't show his best side, which is actually no mean feat; most men go their whole lives not reflecting and seeing their own behaviour in situations because they like to think they always make the best choices. So, in all, while I understand it has shown his worst traits, this is a really positive sign over all that he can and will reflect with guidance, you know all of his worst so he clearly trusts you implicitly because he has been honest and therefore I actually think you should see this as a green flag. It sounds counterintuitive but I think he has been quite brave for a man.

I think going forward you could talk to him about what happens if the going gets tough with you two, but the issues you face will be very different, as you said with no kids/future kids dependant on you. I'd discuss ill health though and what happens if one of you needs the other to care for them, perhaps.

Go back to your initial reaction and determine what it was that upset you the most - is it lack of care, lack of communication, lack of responsibility? Perhaps that he wasn't curious? Then you can see how that might play out in your future (why I mentioned ill health) as you don't want to marry someone who actively runs at the first sign he needs to be responsible.

The daughter is on good terms with her father. There is no reason to overrule the daughter and dump the man for what he allegedly did to her when she is fine with him. If this was the reason for their estrangement, then you would have a point. As it stands, you just seem judgemental and controlling as well as highly intrusive.

OP doesn’t say how long ago DD divulged the truth about her mothers’ addiction though. I think his guilt stems from the fact that he knows he may have acted differently had he had all the relevant information at the time. It sounds like a recent revelation so may have stirred up guilt where there was none before, because he had made peace with the situation and thought his DD had done the same.

OP says he told her his first wife had died but she didn’t enquire further, so l think the fact that it was never discussed further is on OP too - it seems very telling that the first time she does ask to talk about it, the whole lot comes tumbling out.

OP says she did not want to pry into the previous life of partner as it was not really her business. Now unsure about prospective husband as he failed to pry into his now deceased wife's life in another country? He may not have handled the situation as she claims would be acceptable to her viewpoint yet he has a good relationship with his daughter still so he cannot have handled it too badly from her point of view. IMHO OP is possibly seeking an off-ramp yet is guilty of not picking at the relationship scabs timeously and now blames him. Get out before marrying by all means OP, but be aware you have not exactly covered yourself on glory in this situation. I speak from the point of the child, as I lived in another country with my father and step mother then returned to UK to prepare for boarding school, losing my father after he shot and killed his step wife and then himself, leaving her 3 children by two former marriages to be repatriated to their grandmother in yet another country within 6 months of my leaving. Life can be complicated and people change. The person you are in a relationship with, and his daughter, are not the same people they were while this chaotic situation played itself out so tragically years ago. A little humility would not be a bad thing.

I see your point. It’s hard either way.

he forces Dd to leave her mother, she spirals sooner and then teen dd blames him for mothers death and they have no relationship.

Or she gets to 14/15 and decides to go back to her mother anyway. Dealing with cross border custody issue with a teenager who is old enough to decide where they live anyway isn’t as simple as “your coming with me”

I know teenagers who have decided to stay with their abusive parent or addicted parent with regular respite with the other because they don’t want them to be alone. They see them as the more vulnerable in need of their support.

it is considered within reason for young people to be carers to ill parents in this country. And doesn’t meet the threshold for removal by SS.

its very easy to be black and white making grand statements about what you would and wouldn’t do in the situation. But until you are in it dealing with all the nuances and needs of multiple People, you can never actually know. I would use the fact they’re still in contact and on good terms as some evidence.

none of us are perfect and hindsight is a well and good. But it can only inform future behaviour not change the past.

According to OP’s posts there was no lack of care or communication. He respected the fact that his DD wanted to live with her mum and offered her a home in the event that ceased to be the case. He visited regularly and wasn’t privy to the truth of the situation because DD covered it up. His relationship with his DD is testament to the fact that they found a way through. So where is the lack of responsibility ?

He allowed his alcoholic wife to move abroad with their daughter, despite his reservations about her ability to parent, as he worked long hours. Of course he should feel guilty! Some men are such arseholes. A child need MORE supervision in these situations not less.

His daughter may have moved to a different country, but he visited every month.

I'd judge by his daughter's relationship with him, which seems to be good.

It's easy to sit in judgment of other people in difficult situations.

This is simplistic. Parents can’t get their children back from a mile up the road, police don’t enforce civil custody orders.

if your ex decides to keep your child after their weekend you have to go to court, the police won’t bring them back.

if dd doesn’t want to leave, should he haul her out of the house? How does he force her onto a plane?

My point was that if she felt a certain something, that is the behaviour she is most worried about. Whatever she felt is something she feels may affect her future and that is what needs to be addressed. We all know men who abandon their kids in one way or another, yet they carry on having relationships because the women they get with don't have the same concerns due to different situations. As neither has dependant kids a lot of the concerns aren't valid.

As it stands, you just seem judgemental and controlling as well as highly intrusive

For stating that the OP should trust her gut and take some time if shes having second thoughts about marriage?

Where did you get “judgemental and controlling and intrusive” from my posts?

I think you seem like you are massively projecting something which doesn’t really relate to the OP’s situation.

It seems he kept it from you knowing he'd be judged harshly; especially considering your work with young adults & teens?

Is it possible to postpone your wedding to give yourself some space to think about things?

I'd strongly suggest that if he visited every month he must be very unobservant. If the daughter was having to fend for herself he should have been able to notice that and I would be willing to bet the school also knew. He either didn't pay attention or decided to turn a blind eye.

I think YABU OP for a couple of reasons.

The first being I think your partner made what he thought was the best decision at the time. Ex wife was admittedly a good mum up until the point her parents passed and her MH deteriorated. However, it sounds like they moved fairly soon after her parents passing so it would be reasonable to assume that the move back home with DD was in their best interestes and could've helped her MH issues. Only time revealed the extent of her struggles.

Secondly the fact he is struggling with feelings of guilt is in indication he is genuinely a good caring person deep down. A significant number of people on here will be with partners who will happily cheat, lie, hurt others with little to no feelings of guilt. They are blissfully unaware they are with someone who on the outside appears a good person when in fact they aren't. I would find some comfort in learning this information that is he is good albeit flawed person, but then who isn't.

People live in the house with a spouse who they have no idea has an active addiction.

Arent you the one who is suggesting OP ignores that the daughter is fine with her dad and go by her own opinions of a time she didnt even know them?

A child doesn't have enough experiences to fully function as an adult without guidance though. The school would have known. Either he didn't listen to them or was happy not to be on their contact list. Neighbours and friends would have told him but he clearly didn't make any effort to discover their circles who could contact him in emergencies either.

Why do you think the school knew?

The OP has changed her opinion of this man - it’s nothing to do with how the dd feels about the situation.

If I was about to marry a man and then found out he had a secret love child whom
he hadn’t seen for the first 20 years of her life - but that they were now in communication and he was sorry and the child was fine with it - it would still make me have second thoughts about marrying that man.

It doesn’t matter about the ins and outs and who feels what - what matters is that the OP is having reservations, isn’t BU to have those reservations and should listen to no-one but herself.

Do you understand this?

Still, the fact he was a useless father doesn't mean he won't be an acceptable husband, as I say, figure out what it is that raised the red flag for you - if you think he is capable of running at the first sign of trouble, ignoring issues for too long without confronting them (I'd suggest that as it has been 4 years before he mentioned this major life event) or that he only just told you possibly in the hope you wouldn't have time to change your mind before the wedding (also would worry me, entrapment style).

How? The daughter was a teenager by the point everything was falling apart, and will have learned to take care of herself in parallel with that happening. Nowhere is it stated that he ever stepped foot in the house, and as most people do not let their ex into the house, how could he have seen it?

I find it very sad that this man has opened up about something he has clearly struggled to discuss. He has been open about his feelings of guilt. And instead of being met with compassion and understanding, he gets judgement and opprobrium. Most of us live our lives doing our best with the knowledge and skills we have at the time. It is easy to sit outside and say we would have done things differently. Maybe, maybe not. And even if we do, there is no guarantee that the outcome would have been any better or different.