My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

[Dreamingfever]

First of all, I’m going to be mentioning suicide so please don’t read if that will upset you in anyway.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, we are both in our 50s so won’t have any children together. I have a DS from my first marriage, he has a DD from his first marriage, both now early 20s.

DPs first wife passed away 6 years ago, they’d been split for about 7 years before that and I’ve never pried as to the details of his first wife’s death, not my place nor business.
He didn’t live in the UK for most of his adult life, he’s a dual national so spent most of his life in Spain, his mother is Spanish. His first wife was French.
He had told me that once they split his first wife took his daughter to France, he spent most of the holidays with his daughter (who was 12 by the time they split), would take weekends to visit her. I’ve always thought I couldn’t have lived in a different country to my DS but I wasn’t there, I don’t know what the relationship between him and his first wife was like etc. He seems to have a very positive relationship with his daughter, she lives abroad still (different country from either she was raised in) but he calls her often, visits often and we just flew out to spend Christmas with her.

Tonight he seemed upset, I asked why and he told me it was the anniversary of his first wife’s death. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said actually he’d like to tell me about it before we marry.

He told me that his first wife was amazing for many years but when her own parents passed she struggled with her mental health, when they split she asked to take her daughter to her parents home she’d recently inherited and raise her there. He admitted he had been hesitant about her abilities to raise their daughter but he worked long hours, and felt a daughter needed her mother, so agreed.
He then told me that over the years he knew her mother was unwell, an alcoholic he claimed was what he knew. He thought about asking to have his daughter back, reporting it to someone, but feared it would only make things worse. He said he told his daughter she could move home anytime but she never wanted to.
His daughter then moved to a different city for university. Then 6 years ago her mother, his first wife, took her own life, overdose alcohol and prescription drugs.
He arranged everything as his first wife had no living family she was close to, any only child, both parents passed, and her daughter just 19.
He also sold the property and sorted out everything inheritance related for his daughter.

He then said during a deep chat over some wine with his daughter he learned his first wife had been an alcoholic for many years, she never told him as she was scared she’d be separated from her mother. She was honest about her teen years being difficult, often coming home to her mum passed out, making her own meals, taking the metro to school and back unsure of her mothers well being etc.

He admitted he has felt immense guilt since and always finds the anniversary a hard day.

Now I’m conflicted, I feel awful for him. But I worked with young adults and teens for many years and I often felt the excuse of “no one else knew” was a weak one, I’ve always felt it shouldn’t be a child’s responsibility to know when an adult needs help or they need help but someone should be looking out for them, I feel he failed to do this, he knew she was an alcoholic and failed to both protect his daughter and get help for her mother.

This clouds my judgement of him, I feel I can no longer see him as a the devoted father, kind man, and loving partner I believed he was.

AIBU to feel like this? Is it the past, something to be moved on from? Or an indicator that he may not be the kind of man I’ve been made to believe he is?

This poor guy has been living with the knowledge of this awful situation for years, but the OP somehow still judges him? This man needs love and support (as does his daughter). I would be touched that he felt able to trust me, and do everything I could to listen and support him.

I wonder about this too

And his daughter wanted to live with her mother. The alternative would have been trying to remove her against her will, causing trauma and resentment. The fact that he didn’t is a testament to the relationship now. He visited regularly and has always maintained contact. He wasn’t aware of the true situation until his daughter divulged it to him as an adult several years later. What was he supposed to do ?

I agree with this. If the daughter has forgiven him and they have moved on and now have a good relationship then I don't think it is any of the OP's business to now judge and get involved.

He had told me that once they split his first wife took his daughter to France

He didn't choose to live in a different country, the mother did. You dont know the reasons.

It's been quoted already but I think this needs quoting every few pages!

OP you aren't being unreasonable to doubt whether you should marry but I do think you might not be being 100% honest with yourself about why.

I hope you realise that once you marry this man, if you do, you will be benefitting directly and indirectly from the capital he was able to accumulate whilst his daughter was in the care of an alcoholic.

Just something to think about given that his actions and intentions are being put under the microscope here.

Agree. If her poor mum had committed suicide anyway, his DD may have held him responsible for it by taking her.

I don't think there were any right decisions to be made in what was obviously very sad and messy situation, I'm sure he did what he felt was best at the time, but you feel what you feel.

It sounds like he did the best he could and has been caring and helpful to the extent possible. Count yourself lucky if you don't know what impossible choices serious mental health / addiction issues can leave family members with. Nothing in your post suggests he did anything wrong. In some tough situations, there are no model actions that will lead to perfect outcomes. He did his best and was honest about it and managed to still have a good relationship with his daughter.

He can't undo it so if it's causing you doubt there's only one thing you can do.

If he had a good job in Spain what would have been the chances of having a good job in France?

It sounds like he has done I ally supported his daughter, seen her at every opportunity when possible and even sorted out his ex wife’s affairs to help the daughter after the woman killed herself.

When people split up it’s often very difficult for a man to see his child but it seems like he’s done everything that he could.

Sounds like you’re not sure about your relationship with him and are looking for something to find a way out.

You have unreasonable expectations of him. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place when he let his wife and daughter move back to France. He was then at a distance where knowing would have been tricky. It sounds like his teenager daughter made an active choice of what was beast for her in difficult circumstances. Intervention might well have made it worse. As it worked out, she had the stability of the family home and if her friendship group and school, while also having regular contact and financial support from her Dad. Yes, she had to grow up too soon, but there was no perfect outcome here. She has now grown up into a functioning adult with a good relationship with her father, which is the outcome you ultimately want if you do intervene.

What he 'should have done' is broken the silence and stigma and tried a whole lot harder to get his daughter some help.

But that isn't the biggest red flag for OP. The big red flag is that he should have found out about how to manage being relatives of alcoholics, and the challenges they have, and processed the trauma himself, helped his daughter to do so - AND THEN integrated it such that he could develop healthy and open ways of coping with life going forward.

I am sympathetic to all those saying they':e had trauma and don't want to disclose the details, but he's different, it's not like having to give a detailed account of abuse. He has been simply never mentioning the existence of trauma IN his most intimate relationship of the past, and TO his most intimate relationship partner now.

This lucky chap has managed to find someone- OP - who has for some reason an equal lack of skill in talking about difficult things, so he has been off the hook for painful and challenging growth and learning! And so has OP. What kind of person doesn't ask anything about the death of a previous spouse???!!! Not a wholly emotionally healthy person that's for sure.

They have found each other - they must have been sending each other those subtle signals that some emotional space is off limits. If OP just keeps quiet, he can carry on living his unskilled and limited emotional life - and so can she.

But hopefully this is so big it will help them both do some learning and growth to a better relationship. If they both want to.

You’re coming at it from the point of view as someone well versed in the field, having spent years working with troubled kids. He, at the time, had no such experience and will undoubtedly have struggled with deciding what to do in his daughter’s best interests.

If his daughter can forgive him, I think you should consider it, too.

This is exactly the sort of thing that could've happened. Perhaps things might have played out much better....but they also could have gone worse. And the OP's partner had no way of knowing what was best at the time. It could've played out in many different ways.

Perhaps the mother wasn't able to support herself in Spain, or convinced her ex that her mental health would improve at home in France.

Considering how often women who have children in a foreign country are advised on mumsnet to bring their children back to the UK, away from the father to a place they're familiar with and feel supported, it seems a little wrong to then blame this man for allowing his ex-wife to return to her home country nearby. Especially if he did visit on a monthly basis.

If you read OP’s posts it’s clear that he maintained contact once they moved to the mothers’ home country, and didn’t try to remove DD against her will. DD wanted to live with her mother and covered up the effects of her alcoholism, so she clearly knew that if anyone found out the truth, she would be at risk of being removed. Her father never knew until years later when she finally told him.

They’ve clearly both navigated the situation as best they could and maintained their relationship intact. I doubt this would have been the case if her father had known the truth and taken action to obtain custody. DD acted according to what she wanted at the time so why would she have any reason to blame her father for her own decisions ?

As someone who has experienced a suicide of a member of family, and another relative who died from alcoholism,I'd say this is such a tough situation and never black and white.

In your situation, I'd really talk through why he chose to leave his daughter with her Mum. Could he possibly have been worried that leaving the Mum alone would exacerbate the situation? In that she drinks more or threatens suicide.

I don't think this is enough to doubt your relationship personally.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, he feels guilty because he knows that he got it wrong, but sometimes it is not obvious at the time. If his DD seemed happy and didn’t want to leave her mum I can understand his reluctance at forcing her to move home with him. I also understand why you feel the way you do about this revelation and if you can’t get past it you shouldn’t marry him, however, he doesn’t sound like a terrible human being. Its a very sad situation all round.

Interesting take.

So what did you expect him to do? Ban his ex wife from raising his daughter in her former family home? Drop everything and move countries? Get social services involved in their country? It’s fucking tragic but I I’m not sure why you think less of your partner.

he travelled monthly, saw her all holidays, offered her an out.

I wouldn't see any of this as something I had a right to know anyway. Lovely that he's told you (I'm sure he's regretting it now) but not a 'lie by omission' not to have done. It's his personal, private life. He's entitled to that.

I think the fact that he feels guilty about it shows a lot about his character. This isn’t a relationship ender for me personally but then I’ve had some exceptionally bad partners and also been guilty of sticking my head in the sand about something I should how actioned sooner. Could you delay the wedding for 12 months? I think the guilt he feels may actually become a problem as well. Very difficult one OP.

I think unless you have been in his shoes you really shouldn't judge.

Realistically, his daughter wanted to stay with her mum, which is why she downplayed everything, she didn't WANT to leave her and chances are if he had forcibly removed her, she would end up hating and resenting him, especially if the mother had committed suicide at that point (earlier than she actually did). As he would then be blamed for her death.. their future could be very different to what it is now.

He couldn't change his ex wife and he couldn't make his daughter leave without potential repercussions, so I'm not sure why you are so down on him tbh, he was in a very tough position, as was his daughter, he made it clear that she was welcome to come to him at any time, no questions asked.

The fact that he was and still is a very involved dad to his daughter even though they were in a different country, and they have a great relationship now, tells you everything you need to know about the sort of person he is IMO.

Be careful how you approach this, hindsight is wonderful, but unless you've lived it, you really are in no position to judge anyone.

This is such a weird take.

I’d be very concerned if my dp of 4 years had never spoken about what happened to his dead ex wife and mother of his child!

It isn’t “lovely” of him at all to have eventually told her - this should’ve been discussed a long time ago.

If I had a friend in a 4 year relationship who had no idea what had happened to her partners ex who’d died I’d be more than a little worried for her.

Really shocked at some of these responses!

I don't dispute what you say.

I'm disputing @Whyherewego stating what she is assuming the dd felt/ feels with such absolute certainty.

We know the young woman has a close relationship with her father. We know what OP says she told her father retrospectively. But that doesn't give any of us the right to say , as Whyherewego said, that she has accepted her father's behaviour or has forgiven it. It is very likely she saw absolutely nothing wrong with his behaviour or feels there is anything to forgive. We don't know and shouldn't speak for her.