My manager was off today because her dog died on Saturday morning.

[IwishIwasacaterpillar]

Am I being an arsehole to think this is a bit ridiculous?

It seems like it sets a precedent. I have three cats, will I get a day off each time one of them dies ?

But the person already had the Sat & Sun “off work”, so this would be the 3rd day.

Awww 😂 my dd would be like this about her pet snake and rat.

Just reminded me actually of when elder ds’s snake died - he was 11yo and bereft. We buried him (or her!) in the garden and Ds was sobbing his heart out and had to stay off school the next day bc he kept bursting into tears. Still makes me tear up thinking about it and he’s 28 now!

For some people, their dogs are their whole world because they have no other family. Might this be the case? But then, while I could understand her not wanting to be in the office today, I would have thought that wfh would be more manageable. I have a friend who has no partner, no children, and her parents are both dead. Her dog is her everything.

It's the kind of thing that my manager would do but would frown upon it if we did it. When is she planning on returning?

Whilst I wouldn't expect paid special leave for the death of a dog, I would ask for an annual leave day if I felt I needed it.

That’s horrendous. I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m presuming you’re a vet so sending you hugs and a big thank you for everything you do.

Some people’s pets are the most important things in their life. How about accept that some people feel very strong bonds to their animals and their loss can devastate them? I don’t know why anyone would want children, but I appreciate many people do. It’s about understanding that people may be different to you and may react differently to grief.

We have lots of animals (farm) and when you grow up around animals, you tend to live by the term “if you have livestock, you’ll have to deal with dead stock” so I’m pretty stoic, even when I’ve had our much loved horses, dogs and cats put to sleep. But I fully understand how devastating that can be for some people and they’d probably be in no fit state to work. A bit of compassion is all it takes.
You have no idea how much that animal meant to that person.

I’ve never owned a dog but I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Really sad that you don’t have the imagination or emotional intelligence to empathise with how heartbreaking losing a dog could be. Says a lot about you.

I need a month off if my DCat died.

I'll need time off when my dog dies. I live alone with her, she has separation anxiety and so we are rarely apart. I'm guessing it will impact me in a way that losing some close relatives wouldn't and my job involves a lot of emotional resilience with members of the public (mental health) so I need to be together. I understand that you don't get it but they really are like very close family members for some people.

What’s the point in ruminating about it at home though? I think you need to pick yourself and keep going, distract yourself, keep busy. You can’t just fold to these things.

I lost my mother. Losing my dog was worse. I’m not comparing it to anything. Loss is individual and subjective and different people experience it differently.

I think maybe because you’ve been and going through a lot yourself (and as you said worked through it) it is sometimes hard to find empathy for situations which you feel are less serious
I know when I lost both my parents I became harder for a while , less sympathetic to others (and what I saw as their petty problems) and trapped in my own struggles which wasn’t me at all
It took me a minute to find my perspective again
i could be way off the mark here so please ignore me if so!

I ended up basically comatose for 3 days when my cat died last year.

It wasn't really the cat - I'd lost both my dad and my OH of 15 years just weeks apart and was barely holding it together. Both were sudden and unexpected and it triggered massive anxiety around losing everyone else. I'd panic when people didn't return calls and started googling car crashes near their last known locations etc.

Then over a few months it slowly started to get better. Until one night my lovely 10 year old cat suddenly had a seizure in the middle of the night waking me up. I rushed him to the emergency vet but he didn't make it. And it just retriggered everything I went through and broke me.

Is there any chance there may be something similar going on for your manager where this was the straw that tipped things over the edge?

It wouldn’t have occurred to me to take a day off after the much loved dog we’d had for over 14 years had to be put to sleep.

But at the same time, I could really have done without the colleague who said, ‘Oh, well - you can always get another.’
As if I’d had my laptop nicked or something!

I can appreciate that some people dislike dogs, or don’t like any animals at all, but it was so utterly FUCKING insensitive!

So you don’t know if she is taking annual leave or not, if she hasn’t it is more than likely unpaid. You sound very judgemental, give her a break!

A week's paid leave! I'd love to know who that employer is and whether they are still in business.

Your manager was open and honest with you about the reason. You don't know whether she was permitted compassionate leave or whether she is using AL (likely the latter) so there's no fairness question because you don't know. As a manager I try and be open about things like this so if someone is going through similar they can see I'm a human being. You're going through a lot of your own OP, but there's not a finite amount of empathy and kindness in the world.

"Resilience" is a word I want to ban from my workplace because it feels like people use it as a coded way of saying "get over it" "suck it up" or "well the rest of us didn't get X". She's plenty resilient, she's just mourning. A human thing to do.

FWIW I know when my cat dies I'll be much more sad than basically any member of my family, because I don't have a close family

Well, it's not. But I would go to work. I did, in fact.

Is she generally a work avoider? If not she's obviously impacted by the death - maybe she can't sleep or maybe the DC are distraught and off school. Maybe she has massively swollen eyes and you work in a customer facing role?

I've never had time off work when one if my pets has died but I can understand why it might be necessary.

You could say that about anything though couldn’t you… where does it end ? Should people be allowed to take days off whenever they feel they need one, “because we all experience things differently?”.

Depends. Did she need to collect the remains (cremation or burial)? Is the dog family to her? Was it unexpected and left her struggling today? If shes off again tomorrow I might think it was excessive but for 1 day I think fair enough.

My colleague took a week of work when their dog died. They tried to come in but we sent them home as they were a mess. Everyone is different

I mean she's a whole person, some people's lives don't revolve around work. I'm sure you managed and she knew you would manage. I don't understand people who are obsessed with work. If she's upset and it's not a big deal to take a day off then take a day off.

I was offered 5 days off for the death of a child. So any time off for pets seems ridiculous to me.