My son cheated on his girlfriend - Update

[ErsBears]

Hi all, you may recall I posted a couple of days ago about discovering that my DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home. I won’t rehash the details but as it seemed to gain a fair bit of attention I thought I should update everyone who kindly (or not so kindly) commented.

He did tell her yesterday when she got back from seeing her family, they haven’t broken up but she has gone on the holiday alone. She told him she needed space to figure out what this means and what she wants to do about it, but as she already had cleared her schedule for the week and paid for the holiday still wanted to go, luckily snowboarding is an activity that can still be enjoyed alone.

DS has asked to stay here as he already has annual leave booked and knows her friends who are his flat mates know already and doesn’t want to face them until he knows what’s happening. I’ve told him he can stay just this week but if they break up and he doesn’t want to live with her friends then he needs to find somewhere else. He also did actually have an engagement ring, he showed me it today.
I’ve tried to ask why he did it exactly but haven’t been able to get any answers, and ultimately that’s not my business.

I’m glad he told her and didn’t continue to be deceitful and while it pains me to see him in pain, I can’t muster up much sympathy since it was entirely his own doing and I am so disappointed in the decisions he made.

I still remain shocked at those who felt he may have a good reason or thought I was being some sort of awful mother for not enabling his awful choices but rather holding him accountable.

I again just want to thank everyone who was kind and supportive.

Op I think you’re an absolute diamond you’ll make such a lovely mil. You’ve done the right thing, it must be rough when he’s your son but good for you taking a stand

No of course not. Of course she was right to pull him up and ensure that the girlfriend was told. But I’m not sure why this is being dragged out with a further post etc. Or why she’s saying he may stay only for a week. Or why she’s still going on about how disappointed she is. It’s done.

Because she obviously wants to talk about it and not to her son who is hurting.
There is no harm in her posting, nobody knows who he is and I'm sure there are plenty of people who are going through the same thing and some details here may have been changed.

I do agree with you on the only staying for a week bit, that's harsh.

You did the right thing. She could have ended up your DIL and mother of your grandkids. You couldn't have looked her in the eye all those years.

As for why he did it - when did he get the ring? When I was at uni a guy in my house had been seeing his gf since they were 16. We lived together all 3 years. All 3 devoted to his girlfriend then one morning (well, probably more afternoon but anyway!) I got up to another girl coming out of his room while his girlfriend was on a long break with her family. He begged us not to tell her and had also bought an engagement ring.

He had bought the ring a month or so prior and intended to propose the day she came to visit when she got back (2 days after this incident). He went to pick it up, had a panic looking at it as if that somehow 'made it final' (his words), went out and got completely smashed that night and had a ONS 'before he couldn't anymore' (again his words). Made absolutely no fucking sense. GF obviously broke up with him.

To clarify I’ve said he can only stay for a week as he is using staying here to avoid the consequences of his actions (going to the flat he pays rent on and lives in as his girlfriends friends live there). If he decides to move out and makes a request to stay here for a longer time then we can make that happen but he’d have to be contributing towards bills and remember the boundaries of our home etc.
What he can’t do is use my home as a hiding spot so he doesn’t have to face people who are going to be rightly annoyed at him, he will have to return to his flat sooner or later for all his things, his work clothes etc.

Quite.

The question is not whether or not OP did the right thing with regard to her son.

It’s whether it was wise or caring or fair of her to turn it into a mini-series on Mumsnet.

Then start a thread with your question instead of detailing this one.

Sadly that would be a Thread About A Thread, which is against MN guidelines

Sorry. I didn't mean the AIBU was whether it was wise. I meant that that question was implied by the poster that I quoted.

I think we should stick to Paul Simon.

While the OP did the right thing in encouraging her son to tell his girlfriend, I think it is very harsh now to almost want her son to be paraded before his flatmates with his head hanging in shame.

Obviously and undeniably, the OP’s son’s behaviour was despicable but he also now needs support from his family. He’s in no doubt what his Mum thinks of him but he’s also facing the consequences of his actions which are going to change his life. Girlfriend will no doubt have nothing more to do with him, his flatmates are friends of his girlfriend, he missed out on his holiday, he had planned on proposing to his girlfriend - now that’s all gone and his family and friends know he cheated on his girlfriend. He needs support himself at the moment, not to say oh you did nothing wrong, but support emotionally to let him know he can learn and move on from this and just to give him encouraging words and a few hugs really.

This man is 28.

28 is not immature. OP is spot on. A week is fine. Then start getting on with what a grown man should do, after making an incredibly stupid and selfish decision.

Pretty much. Time to be an adult.

He deliberately cheated when his GF went away.

These are the consequences. He lost his mother's respect, his friends caring for him, this is the find out part after he fucked around. He needs accountability, not support for cheating. People aren't going to soothe his pain or support him because he deliberately hurt others and brought this shit down on his own head and now doesn't want to deal with the fallout.

Good grief, it's always ultimately the women's fault isn't it? What a depressing thread.

Good on you op. I've been cheated on in the past and it broke me. I'm glad that this mum has called out shitty behaviour. Maybe he would rightfully end the relationship before he gets into bed with someone else. Maybe it will make him think before really breaking someone's heart again.
Cheating isn't a little thing. It hurts, it affects trust for new relationships. It makes you think differently about yourself - I have certainly changed forever because of one persons actions. And that should never be caused by someone else.
Fantastic parenting and I genuinely applaud this mum.

I agree!