My son cheated on his girlfriend - Update

[ErsBears]

Hi all, you may recall I posted a couple of days ago about discovering that my DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home. I won’t rehash the details but as it seemed to gain a fair bit of attention I thought I should update everyone who kindly (or not so kindly) commented.

He did tell her yesterday when she got back from seeing her family, they haven’t broken up but she has gone on the holiday alone. She told him she needed space to figure out what this means and what she wants to do about it, but as she already had cleared her schedule for the week and paid for the holiday still wanted to go, luckily snowboarding is an activity that can still be enjoyed alone.

DS has asked to stay here as he already has annual leave booked and knows her friends who are his flat mates know already and doesn’t want to face them until he knows what’s happening. I’ve told him he can stay just this week but if they break up and he doesn’t want to live with her friends then he needs to find somewhere else. He also did actually have an engagement ring, he showed me it today.
I’ve tried to ask why he did it exactly but haven’t been able to get any answers, and ultimately that’s not my business.

I’m glad he told her and didn’t continue to be deceitful and while it pains me to see him in pain, I can’t muster up much sympathy since it was entirely his own doing and I am so disappointed in the decisions he made.

I still remain shocked at those who felt he may have a good reason or thought I was being some sort of awful mother for not enabling his awful choices but rather holding him accountable.

I again just want to thank everyone who was kind and supportive.

I’ve tried to ask why he did it exactly but haven’t been able to get any answers,

@ErsBears

Chances are there really isn't one. At least not an honest one. So many men will say the same thing when they get caught and you know, I believe them. I think that men simply think with their dicks. And dicks can't reason, they can just 'want'. Some men are able to say no to their dicks, some simply can't or won't.

It's only afterwards when they either get caught or have an attack of the 'guilts' that those men find reasons or excuses for cheating. "My wife doesn't understand me", "She's gained weight", "She doesn't/does do XYZ", and "Wah wah wah poor me". All self indulgent lies to soothe their consciences.

At least your son is being honest and not making excuses. He'll still have to pay the piper though. You're doing the right things.

Her son involved her in his love life when he brought some random woman back to her home for a quick shag.

It’s a life lesson to him, you absolutely did the right thing by not excusing, condoning or covering up for him. He’ll learn from your attitude too, and good for the girl going on holiday herself. There’s not much more you can do now.

I wish my younger self's boyfriend's mum had been like you. Well done.

Thank you for the update.

I wish you and your family the very best moving forward.

I'm glad he's told her OP, I'd take that as a win, he has followed doing the wrong thing with doing the right thing.

I suspect she will break up with him, if I was her friend it's what I'd advise.

I do think the break-up of a relationship and loss of friendships is appropriate consequences and punishment though, I don't think you should kick him out after a week, although I'm not suggesting you should house him indefinitely. Have recently helped a few people (friend, colleague) find shared accommodation recently and it isn't easy out there.

Was she a sex worker?????

I think this is good and (sorry to your son) hope she ends things.
I don’t think he can have been that happy in the relationship if he cheated (not that it’s an excuse).
I know you’re not happy with him but I would let him stay with you until he finds a new place to live if they break up, it stops him staying in the relationship just so he doesn’t end up homeless!
I thought some of the replies you got on your last thread were harsh too, I couldn’t have spent home with the girlfriend knowing she’d been cheated on either

Why don’t you thank the OP for the update regarding her son’s love life.

@ErsBears how do you know that he did actually tell her? Might he have told her a lie - it's my MH, I'm ill, too much work, etc?

I support what you've done but it must have been incredibly difficult. I think it IS important to model the behaviour, morals and values you have respect for - unlike many moralising people - you aren't just saying one thing in public while privately shying away from making the hard decisions or taking the tough actions to uphold what you believe in - given that you have probably always been like this - I imagine you are really shocked that this happened at all.

More than a decade after my DD did something like this (not exactly the same - a first year at uni craziness thing) and I still can't look at her in the same way - I'll always have some tiny doubt about her character TBH in spite of loving her I remain so disappointed - I accept she is a different character to me - she's gregarious, loud, wild and wonderful and I simply, am not. There were repercussions for her and her friends and also for her sister and her friends - I don't know if she really learned a life lesson from it and whether she'll never do anything similar again - I fear it will cost her a lot more next time.

He could always just do any future questionable behaviour away from his parent's home, especially seeing as he doesn’t even live there.

I’m so glad you updated. I think you’ve handled it beautifully and unfortunately he’s learning a very harsh lesson. He’s not mature enough to make the commitment to marry if he’s downloading apps and shagging strangers. I hope he learns from this. Very difficult for you and the poor girl though.

You've handled this really well, OP. If your son wants to shag around, he should be explicit with that about any potential partners and find his own place to do it.

OP I think one of the important outcomes is presumably that he will consider whether he really wanted to marry her.

Having an engagement ring but engaging in risky casual sex - it's hardly a sign he is deeply in love.

As his mum you are there to prompt wise decision making where possible! so well done

You think?

I’m sure I’ve read posts from you about your children’s disabilities. Is that personal information ok then?

I doubt it would be too difficult for someone to identify, if they know the people concerned. I don’t think my children would find it easy to forgive me either for posting their business on a forum like this, regardless of whether they had behaved badly or not. I would suggest to the OP that she has this thread taken down.

Is there a reason he can only stay a week?

Good for you OP.

Like you, I was sadly disappointed by the number of people telling you not to mention it.

It’s the same when people post asking for advice when they know about affairs and are advised not to say anything. I think WTF?!
I despair.

When you AS that poster Was she quite specific about a situation involving her DC disabilities that could easily identify them?

I was surprised at the responses you got as well, OP. I thought you had integrity and are a good mother.

From memory fairly specific, as many people are, but no more than the OP’s post which is not particularly identifying. The events happened in private. If we know the people involved it would be easy to identify them but honestly what are the chances? I know a man in his 20s, a colleague, was due to go on holiday with his girlfriend but he’s now in work. Do I assume it’s OP’s son the cheater? Obviously not.

PS I don’t know what your crossed out text refers to.

I’ve tried to ask why he did it exactly but haven’t been able to get any answers

Because he thought he could get away with it, I suspect. Which he may well have done, had you not come home early and caught him. On the one hand, it's positive that he has told his GF the truth, but i'm not at all convinced he would have done that without you forcing his hand. I'm pleased she's gone on the holiday alone, I think she's doing the right thing by letting him sweat for a few days whether or not she decides to carry on the relationship.

Why shouldn't she continue to be disapproving? He needs tough love, not 'there there'.

Because she’s made her point and he’s done the right thing and told his girlfriend. If the OP continues to berate him she risks damaging her relationship with him.