My son cheated on his girlfriend - Update

[ErsBears]

Hi all, you may recall I posted a couple of days ago about discovering that my DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home. I won’t rehash the details but as it seemed to gain a fair bit of attention I thought I should update everyone who kindly (or not so kindly) commented.

He did tell her yesterday when she got back from seeing her family, they haven’t broken up but she has gone on the holiday alone. She told him she needed space to figure out what this means and what she wants to do about it, but as she already had cleared her schedule for the week and paid for the holiday still wanted to go, luckily snowboarding is an activity that can still be enjoyed alone.

DS has asked to stay here as he already has annual leave booked and knows her friends who are his flat mates know already and doesn’t want to face them until he knows what’s happening. I’ve told him he can stay just this week but if they break up and he doesn’t want to live with her friends then he needs to find somewhere else. He also did actually have an engagement ring, he showed me it today.
I’ve tried to ask why he did it exactly but haven’t been able to get any answers, and ultimately that’s not my business.

I’m glad he told her and didn’t continue to be deceitful and while it pains me to see him in pain, I can’t muster up much sympathy since it was entirely his own doing and I am so disappointed in the decisions he made.

I still remain shocked at those who felt he may have a good reason or thought I was being some sort of awful mother for not enabling his awful choices but rather holding him accountable.

I again just want to thank everyone who was kind and supportive.

I don't think she is 'berating' him. She just made it clear that she didn't approve of his behaviour. Also she isn't letting him stay with her, which I also think is fine. He's an adult, he'll figure it out.

Good for you and good for her for going on the holiday on her own!
Hopefully your condemnation has made him have a serious think about the kind of person he wants to be and we won’t have his wife posting on here in 10 years time because he’s cheating on her.

You did the right thing. I wish my ex husbands mother would have stepped up and made him accountable for his actions. He continues to this day to made awfull decisions with no care for the people around him. Hopefully he’ll think next time and do better.

You’ve done the right thing.

Personally, I think everyone criticising the decision to have him tell her would feel very differently if it was their daughter being cheated on and risking her healthy and well being.

I think you did the right thing, OP. I'm tired of those parents who excuse their son or daughter's shitty cheating / treatment of their partners in this manner. If they're that unhappy, then they should just end the relationship, not sneak around with other people.

I think a week or two would be fair.

He created the situation. If he now can’t face the music with the people he lives with he needs to sort that out. This isn’t an emergency situation where his been made homeless he is just too worried to show his face.

That’s a actions have consequences situation. Where mums said she doesn’t mind giving him a bit of breathing room but ultimately this isn’t a situation where he can just hide from his problems at mums where he made the issues to start with.

I'd realise that maybe I shouldn't have done the shitty thing in the first place and I've only myself to blame for any fallout which comes from it.

Not according to the son. They connected via a dating app he said he had downloaded that morning but he was annoyed about paying for a cab for the woman to get home safely so I did wonder if she might be.

Potential damage to their relationship wouldn't even be a consideration if he hadn't invited a stranger to his parents home for a shag. Can we stop blaming women for the consequences of men's actions?

OP is being kind enough to let him stay so he can avoid facing the music with his flatmates even though he has shown he has no respect for her home.

My ex mil was really lovely but I wished she had spoken to her son about how he deals with women and relationships. I don’t see why a mother can’t have a civilised talk with her adult son when he is negatively affecting the lives of his wives, ex wives, partners and any children. If my sons behave the way their father did I most certainly would have a talk with them.

Maybe if the son hadn’t behaved so badly to GF & mother then there would be no reason to ask the initial question. Then nothing would be posted anywhere.

I think young people do stupid things, I know I did and I won’t believe a single person on here who says they didn’t and that they would be absolutely fine with their Mum telling 1000s of people about the stupid or selfish or thoughtless things they did as young people.

The demands for absolute purity on this website in particular are really quite toxic and I think a lot of people here lie to themselves about the kind of people they are. I would read my son the riot act in this situation but invite 1000s of women on a website to judge him and slag him off? Absolutely not. He’s my son, flawed and foolish at times but still my son. OP is clearly just loving the pats on the back and the “you’re a wonderful Mum” well I don’t think so. I think she’s a disloyal attention seeker.

Mine too! But an unemployed waster who at the age of 30 had never had a job, was bigged up by his mom sure she knew he cheated & encouraged it.

Oh come on. Who wasn’t an arsehole in their 20s? I know I did plenty of stupid shite. My parents were far from perfect but they didn’t shame and punish me for my mistakes. They guided and advised and told me when I was wrong. I knew I could speak to them and any reaction would be proportionate and I’d still feel like they were on my side.

Good for you OP, and ignore the haters. Some people could get in an argument in an empty room.

Exactly. There wouldn’t be much on mumsnet if people couldn’t t post about the families and partners. OP might well have changed a few details such as age etc.

I think you did the right thing OP and I'm sure she'll really appreciate it. My ex MIL did a similar thing and she helped me get away from my ex and away from a horrible life and I'll always be grateful to her for that.

Hopefully your son learns his lesson.

While you may have done the right thing you may have done irreparable damage to your relationship with your son. But hey...

But by your own admission you messed up, so not sure you are maybe the right person to talk about purity. She didn’t ask anyone to judge him she asked what everyone what she should do.
just because you think she is doing for pats on the back says more about the way you think than about the OP because that’s not how I read it. Maybe your son messed up because of the way you think about parenting.

Have you ever thought that you did the things in the first place because you knew they would always back you? Maybe somthing to think about. I didn’t do anything dodgy in my 20’s other than live with an unemployed waster, but I worked bought a house on my own. I learnt the hard way, my parents didn’t back me in my choices.

Yes, this.

OP hasn't shamed or punished her son, she's made him be accountable. Yes we all make mistakes but had he been more discreet his mum would never have known. As it is he did something which would have required her to be complicit in deceiving someone else if she hadn't adhered to her own values. You can't cry foul when someone else won't sacrifice their integrity to protect you from the consequences of your own actions. It's bratty and immature for any adult to still think their parents owe them that.

So you'd have let your son cheat on his girlfriend, propose to her and get married? Since he got away with it the first time he may have gone on and done it again and again, who knows.

She's not shamed or embarrased her son, she's parented him and done the right thing and in turn so has the son. The son is hurting now but he's learnt a lesson and hopefully that'll save him from hurting someone else, including himself.

Yep, I also acted like an arsehole in my 20s. I did things I am still ashamed of now. Who can honestly say they have never made a bad mistake in their entire lives? Provided you learn from it and never repeat it, you should be allowed to eventually move on without it defining you for the rest of your life. I hope OP’s son learns a harsh lesson and both he and his (ex?) gf can move on and live good lives.

This. I know many women who like to pretend it was the dil fault. Going so far as spreading the lies the sin makes upthat some cases are alfwul. Then pretend like the dd never existed, the OW is then portrayed as the gc mum. Even when the mum had the dad, her ex do exact same to her.

Yet if anyone cheated on their dd they would go nuclear.

You did well. You know your moral line and stayed true to it. In dhs family it's very much that dil's just get erased from history. I don't know what they expect for their daughters. These woman need to brought up by someone.