My son cheated on his girlfriend - Update

[ErsBears]

Hi all, you may recall I posted a couple of days ago about discovering that my DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home. I won’t rehash the details but as it seemed to gain a fair bit of attention I thought I should update everyone who kindly (or not so kindly) commented.

He did tell her yesterday when she got back from seeing her family, they haven’t broken up but she has gone on the holiday alone. She told him she needed space to figure out what this means and what she wants to do about it, but as she already had cleared her schedule for the week and paid for the holiday still wanted to go, luckily snowboarding is an activity that can still be enjoyed alone.

DS has asked to stay here as he already has annual leave booked and knows her friends who are his flat mates know already and doesn’t want to face them until he knows what’s happening. I’ve told him he can stay just this week but if they break up and he doesn’t want to live with her friends then he needs to find somewhere else. He also did actually have an engagement ring, he showed me it today.
I’ve tried to ask why he did it exactly but haven’t been able to get any answers, and ultimately that’s not my business.

I’m glad he told her and didn’t continue to be deceitful and while it pains me to see him in pain, I can’t muster up much sympathy since it was entirely his own doing and I am so disappointed in the decisions he made.

I still remain shocked at those who felt he may have a good reason or thought I was being some sort of awful mother for not enabling his awful choices but rather holding him accountable.

I again just want to thank everyone who was kind and supportive.

I think you did the right thing too. Wish more mothers were like this with their sons. Most think the sun shines out of their arses and will turn a blind eye to awful behaviour.
Hopefully your DS will now learn from his mistakes.

No I don’t think it does. Most people post about their own problems, their own friendship, marital and relationship issues. This endless relating of someone else’s relationship woes and everyone praising up the OP as a great mum who’s handled it beautifully to the point of requiring a 2nd “update” thread for yet more attention is pretty distasteful I think.

Anyway do you have an answer for my question? 🤔

I tend to agree with you.

You did the right thing op.

and to why well he knows why but then he would have to admit despite buying the ring he isn’t actually ready for that commitment and at least wanted one last hurrah the stag would of ben messy… self sabotage.

I don’t know why you got criticism. Bit of a cheek he’s in pain, but hopefully he has learnt a valuable lesson.

Hasn’t stopped you from visiting the update though has it!

Well I couldn’t give my opinion on it without doing so could I? 😁

Don't be ridiculous.
The OP's fully grown adult man son cheated on his girlfriend in the OP's home, despite having his own place to live, and was there with the other woman when OP came home.
By doing that he made it into his mother's business and brought her into his private life.

I'm glad he told her OP and I'm glad you've stuck to your guns. I took would be absolutely shocked and disgusted by my son if he cheated, I think it would probably alter the way I feel about him.

It's almost unbelievable that he was at the stage of buying an engagement ring yet couldn't stick to one of the most fundamental aspects of marriage i.e. fidelity, even before he married. He certainly doesn't respect his girlfriend let alone love her if he behaves like this.

What a horrible situation.

I’m glad he told her. The poor woman must be so hurt and confused.

I think you did the right thing by insisting he tell his girlfriend but if you continue to be so disapproving you run the risk of damaging your relationship with him

Well done, OP! I am really sorry your son behaved so badly, but through this you at least know you stuck to your principles and did the right thing. Hopefully he will wake up and behave better in future.

Sending 🫂

I think you did the right thing OP. He wouldn't have learnt anything if you'd told him you were disappointed etc but then just colluded in keeping it from the gf, acting normally infront of her etc...other than that he could count on you to help him get away with it.

If he genuinely doesn't know why he did it, some counselling may help him figure out why and avoid making the same choice next time. I know someone in a very similar situation who cheated, split and got counselling and it really helped them see that the relationship wasn't right but they were so conflict avoidant they never had the courage to speak up or end it, which they did a lot of work on before they got into another relationship. It also (if he takes it seriously) may show the gf that he is serious about the relationship and making amends.

I don't think it's bad to have a supportive thread given the amount of unwarranted horrible posts the first one received.

You absolutely did the right thing. It’s so good to see parents not accepting such behaviour

You were just as curious as everyone else who has visited the update 😁

@Rosamutabilisi agreed with the op on her original thread. I would not have tolerated any cheating under my roof and would have booted the sex worker out and told my son that it was unacceptable behaviour.

But wanting an update as to what he is doing about his girlfriend is sticking her nose in.

It sounds like he has a dim view of women and that would begin at home, with his mother.

I think you’re far too involved in your son’s love life - seems you want praise from a bunch of strangers more than anything. Odd.

I wasn't aware of my requirement to furnish you with an answer to your question as it wasn't directed at me.

However, if i wasn't named beyond an anonymous DP/DD/etc I probably wouldnt be aware of it, and if i was aware of it, I wouldn't be bothered as the discussion would be the consequence of my own actions.

Did you give the GF a solo lift to the airport? 😂😉

Why keep bumping the thread then?

If, as parents we can't call out our children, even if they're adults, for poor behaviour, then who will?! Your son made a decision, he knew he couldn't take a woman back to his house share, so he decided to utilise the empty family home instead. It was premeditated, because he intentionally downloaded the hook-up app, so he could meet up with a random woman for sex, once his girlfriend left the country. You came back early, and he was caught red handed.

You called him out on his poor behaviour, and made it known that not only were you disappointed in him as your Mum but also as a woman. You refused to cover up his behaviour, you refused to make excuses for him and you have put him in a position where he's had to take responsibility for his behaviour. Well done! We need more Mum's who are prepared to call out their son's for poor behaviour towards other women.

Hopefully your son has learnt his lesson. Only your son knows why he cheated on his girlfriend. It will serve him right if his girlfriend, after a long think, dumps his ass. He has no one else to blame but himself. The fact he cheated, and it was deliberate, he set out to meet a woman for sex, means that deep down, he doesn't love his girlfriend and that splitting would be better for both of them.

A sex worker?! I thought he downloaded a dating app while the gf was out of the country and he had his parents house to use for a hook up away from his housemates/her friends?

Very well done Mum - Mns everywhere should be on your side whether they have sons or daughters!
You have standards and morals and have stuck by them - awesome!

There probably wasn’t a reason beyond ‘I could so I did,’ and likely ‘I’ve done it before and not been found out.’ More men than you would think habitually cheat and simply compartmentalise the behaviour from their relationship. In their minds the two things are not connected.