Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband needs to adjust hit attitude to his parents

84 replies

Isit2026yet · 04/01/2026 16:28

My DH is an only child. He’s quite highly strung. And in many ways the stereotypical example of an only child. When we got together he wasn't close to his parents, I'm not close to many, but I remember saying to him the way he spoke to his parents was horrific when they were trying to be helpful. A year ago they moved from
2 hours away from us to 5 mins away on foot so we’re a lot closer to them. Every time we see them or go over to theirs DH gets frustrated by something usually he disagrees with how they've done something (they have a habit of doing things randomly, or in a strange order of events) ultimately causing more friction for us. Inlaws are 80s and slowing down so a lot is falling to us currently. But he can’t voice irritations rationally, he just f’s and blinds and walks off.

OP posts:
SpaceRaccoon · 04/01/2026 16:30

That's horrible. I'd lose all respect for a man who wasn't kind and courteous to his parents (and mine).

glendabrownlow · 04/01/2026 16:31

Have you discussed with your DH why he has this attitude towards his parents?

Hatty65 · 04/01/2026 16:31

I don't think he should be swearing at his parents, but I also think you need to mind your business about his relationship with them. You have no real idea of what his childhood was like, or why he finds them hard work.

I loathe going to see my parents, but go out of duty and remain as neutral as possible with them. I'd be very cross if my DH suggested I needed to be 'closer' to them, simply because they are my parents.

Original poster
Isit2026yet · 04/01/2026 16:32

@SpaceRaccoon he’s helpful and caring but lacks politeness or ability to bite his tongue which he does get from MIL.

OP posts:
Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 04/01/2026 16:33

What’s his justification for his behaviour?

DH gets frustrated by something usually he disagrees with how they've done something (they have a habit of doing things randomly, or in a strange order of events)

And why is this his business?

JLou08 · 04/01/2026 16:33

If he treats you well and is respectful of others, I'd be wondering about what he experienced as a child that has led to this. I'm not sure you should be pushing it, there could be some significant trauma that has left him feeling angry with his parents.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/01/2026 16:34

If I heard my husband swear at his mum I'd box his ears in! This is just not acceptable, not at all.

Original poster
Isit2026yet · 04/01/2026 16:34

@glendabrownlow i have at length, mainly the fact he went to boarding school at 6 so never had a close relationship since then. He's now 48 though. And I've said he needs to better/learn to bite his tongue.

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 04/01/2026 16:35

SpaceRaccoon · 04/01/2026 16:30

That's horrible. I'd lose all respect for a man who wasn't kind and courteous to his parents (and mine).

This.

Original poster
Isit2026yet · 04/01/2026 16:36

JLou08 · 04/01/2026 16:33

If he treats you well and is respectful of others, I'd be wondering about what he experienced as a child that has led to this. I'm not sure you should be pushing it, there could be some significant trauma that has left him feeling angry with his parents.

@JLou08 he does, and I think there is. Which I understand, I have a bad relationship with my own parents. Yet I bite my tongue.

OP posts:
Peardroop · 04/01/2026 16:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 04/01/2026 16:36

I feel bad for him, he probably doesn't want them living so close. Is moving an option?

Greenwitchart · 04/01/2026 16:37

You did not experience your DH's childhood so you have no idea of what his parents were really like when he was dependent on them...

If your partner is a decent and loving individual but somehow cannot stand his parents I would think that there is some history and possibly good reasons as to why.

snowbaw · 04/01/2026 16:37

Why did they send him away to school at age 6? That’s going to damage any relationship with them. Imagine sending away a 6 year old ☹️

Original poster
Isit2026yet · 04/01/2026 16:38

@snowbaw their jobs, where they were located and lack of decent schools.

OP posts:
snowbaw · 04/01/2026 16:44

It’s seriously going to damage your relationship for life if you send a 6 year old to boarding school. He must have a huge amount of resentment.

My dad was sent to boarding age 8 and his relationship with my GPs never recovered. He felt like he never had real parents.

Original poster
Isit2026yet · 04/01/2026 16:46

@snowbaw ultimately I think this is what's happened.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 04/01/2026 16:51

I find you saying he is stereotypically an only child quite offensive and quite lazy thinking

Dunnocantthinkofone · 04/01/2026 16:54

So his parents weren’t there for him when he was SIX
The resentment and pain that must have caused is a damn good reason for a lack of closeness now. And I’m sure a fair degree of frustration that he is now expected to run around after them in their dotage. AND to be cheerful about it
Yabu to expect that imo

Original poster
Isit2026yet · 04/01/2026 16:55

@luckylavender It's somethings he's said himself many times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isit2026yet · 04/01/2026 16:57

@Dunnocantthinkofone i’m not asking him to be cheerful. I'm asking him to not throw a hissy fit and swear about minor things every time he is there. He takes it upon himself to go over regularly. No one asks him or expects it.

OP posts:
UneAnneeSansLumiere · 04/01/2026 17:01

Isit2026yet · 04/01/2026 16:57

@Dunnocantthinkofone i’m not asking him to be cheerful. I'm asking him to not throw a hissy fit and swear about minor things every time he is there. He takes it upon himself to go over regularly. No one asks him or expects it.

Ah, ok. If his parents don't demand that he constantly goes over, he should dial back on the visits. Are you sure they don't pressure him to go over?

Original poster
Isit2026yet · 04/01/2026 17:04

@UneAnneeSansLumiere I’m 100% sure his parents don't demand it. We could be walking the dog by, or driving to the supermarket and he’ll suggest swinging in.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 04/01/2026 17:05

Isit2026yet · 04/01/2026 16:57

@Dunnocantthinkofone i’m not asking him to be cheerful. I'm asking him to not throw a hissy fit and swear about minor things every time he is there. He takes it upon himself to go over regularly. No one asks him or expects it.

Give him "permission" not to go there.

He probably feels he has to be something he isn't and just can't manage to be. The conversations you have been having are around him changing how he feels/his behaviour and it's not working. Try conversations around it being OK to back off.

MadamCholetsbonnet · 04/01/2026 17:07

Has DH had any counselling?

I had an ex who carried huge amounts of bitterness and anger towards his family after he was sent to boarding school young (where he was horribly abused)

His feelings are understandable but it seems that he would benefit from dealing with them differently.