To think husband needs to adjust hit attitude to his parents

[Isit2026yet]

My DH is an only child. He’s quite highly strung. And in many ways the stereotypical example of an only child. When we got together he wasn't close to his parents, I'm not close to many, but I remember saying to him the way he spoke to his parents was horrific when they were trying to be helpful. A year ago they moved from
2 hours away from us to 5 mins away on foot so we’re a lot closer to them. Every time we see them or go over to theirs DH gets frustrated by something usually he disagrees with how they've done something (they have a habit of doing things randomly, or in a strange order of events) ultimately causing more friction for us. Inlaws are 80s and slowing down so a lot is falling to us currently. But he can’t voice irritations rationally, he just f’s and blinds and walks off.

@Createausername1970 i’m fully supportive of him backing off, but he actively visits/wants to visit without being asked to. He invited them to stay at ours for 3 days at Xmas as they do every year, not one argument. It never happens when they're at ours. It's always at theirs, because he disagrees with the way they've done something. Today was about how his dad put shelves up.

Op is only talking about her husband. Do you have an only child or are you one?

As an only child with an only child, I do too.

Ah. In that case, I would suggest asking him head on why he goes. As others have said, he may feel a need to be 'a good son' despite disliking and resenting his parents. He should put much more distance between them, but he may feel guilt oddly enough because he doesn't like them very much. If he liked them better, it might be easier to draw boundaries.

I hope that he’s not a parent and that he’s kind to your dog.

Being overly rigid is usually considered a sign of ND rather than parenting on here.

@MadamCholetsbonnet yes he has. As have I on my relationship with my own parents (my own are a nightmare and I have minimal
contact with them).

@Snorlaxo he’s not ND. He’s very kind to our dogs, and his friends and generally towards his parents, he's always been great with DD.

Well your mil is to blame then

Absolutely nothing about this seems anything whatsoever to do with being an only child.

The stereotype of only children is lonely, antisocial and/or spoilt, selfish, overindulged. Being sent to boarding school at 6 hardly screams “spoiled only children”.

I'd class any parents who sent a child away to boarding school at that age as abusive @Isit2026yet. Then suddenly moving close when they needed help wouldn't go down well either when they'd barely bothered to be parents.

Do you not have any critical thinking of your own? Is that your experience of all only children? Do people with siblings never behave like this?

Not everyone had or has loving parents who provided them with a loving nurturing home. Op has already said he went to boarding school at 6 and didn't ever feel close to them. We dint know how they treated him or if it was. Just a case of closed off people.

Saying "I'd box his ears" and that there's no excuse isn't as easy when the person hasn't been nice to you.

We provided a duty of care towards my grandfather at the end of his life and ensured he was in a home that would take care of him and provided what he needed, but there was no love there after how he behaved towards us all (at least 4 generations harmed by him and his violent abusive behaviour) and we did "oh ffs." when the care home called or the hospitals did and made it clear that we were only doing the bare minimum.

If he is warm and loving towards you and your children /other relatives then you need to look at what had happened to create a relationship such as theirs. It's not just a simple case of "they're old now, get over it."

I am the daughter of an only child, an only child and I have an only child.

Both. And my mother was one too

No you cannot interfere in his relationship with his parents. He’s a grown man. He had that relationship for 48 years and you weren’t there during his childhood. You have to respect their history, you have to redirect that what you see isn’t everything there was/is.

This 100%. One of my bugbears is elderly parents demanding that their kids give up large chunks of their life to their care. It's so unfair, that isn't what you should have kids for.

You'll get over it.

Ok. You can't deny that the 'stereotypical only child' trope does ring true in many cases though.

I can’t actually. It’s lazy discrimination. Horrible trope.

I will fight discrimination wherever I see it.

Discrimination 😀

OP I think your husband is behaving badly. If he’s unhappy with having been sent to boarding school at a young age and/or other aspects of his childhood and therefore doesn’t feel close to, or like, his parents that’s fair enough. But then he needs to make the choice to visit less, or get counselling. He doesn’t have the right to swear and express constant irritation with everything they do in their own home.

If I was you I would refuse to witness that kind of behaviour because it would make me feel uncomfortable, so I would not join him on visits unless he behaved in an acceptable me way.

It's not meant to be discriminatory. The spoiled brat only child is a trope because it's true. You're right though that children with siblings can be equally as bratty.

Really? She should mind her business while watching her husband swear and be so disrespectful to his parents? If there is history then as a couple he should be able to discuss the issues so his wife knows what's going on and he should also go LC or NC not this weird dynamic of seeing them regularly but getting angry and swearing at 80 year old parents while OP stand by watching awkwardly.

And when they have kids would it be fine to watch their father test his parents like that with no consequences?

Maybe he keeps visiting hoping they will actually apologise to him that they sent him away so young.....