To think husband needs to adjust hit attitude to his parents

[Isit2026yet]

My DH is an only child. He’s quite highly strung. And in many ways the stereotypical example of an only child. When we got together he wasn't close to his parents, I'm not close to many, but I remember saying to him the way he spoke to his parents was horrific when they were trying to be helpful. A year ago they moved from
2 hours away from us to 5 mins away on foot so we’re a lot closer to them. Every time we see them or go over to theirs DH gets frustrated by something usually he disagrees with how they've done something (they have a habit of doing things randomly, or in a strange order of events) ultimately causing more friction for us. Inlaws are 80s and slowing down so a lot is falling to us currently. But he can’t voice irritations rationally, he just f’s and blinds and walks off.

i have at length, mainly the fact he went to boarding school at 6 so never had a close relationship since then. He's now 48 though. And I've said he needs to better/learn to bite his tongue.

I can relate to this and I put it down to arrested development. The angry 6 year old still remains I’m afraid and he is furious.

His parents abandoned him to boarding school when he was 6 and then had the audacity to move close to him when they became elderly and in need more help, they're incredibly lucky he has anything to do with them.

Sounds like a very dysfunctional family relationship, nobody sends their kid at 6 to board without being seriously disconnected emotionally, it’s hard for most parents even at 11 though essential for island /very rural areas. My dh and his siblings boarded (not that young) and his mum was quite cold

You day he mimics his mum in some ways. Does she swear at him/others? Or say really hurtful/enraging things?

Tbh I'd lose all respect for a man of nearly FIFTY who effed and blinded at people in their 80s for any reason whatsoever.

In that case, I would just not go to their house with him. Stick to seeing them at yours.

Stress to him that you understand his mixed emotions around his family but whilst he is free to deal with it however he chooses to, you too are also free to deal with it however you choose to. Either he reins it in or you do not accompany him.

My DH has a dormant temper that will erupt at times with lots of swearing. If I walked away from the projectile swearing he would then get cross because I was cross. I said I wasn't cross, just disliked the swearing and I didn't have to listen to it. His prerogative to swear, my prerogative not to listen to it. End of.

It took a few repetitions of the same conversation, and eventually he reined it in of his own accord.

So extract yourself regularly and refuse to get involved if nothing else will work.

As an only child who boarded from 7, I am very familiar with the strangeness of the parental relationship. It’s hard to navigate, made extra tricky when one’s own children reach that age. I find myself getting very frustrated w my mum (though I don’t shout and swear). Having to help her and sort stuff out now she’s elderly just feels a bit rich when she didn’t ever take me to a play date/Brownies/swimming lesson etc.

He needs extensive trauma based therapy. Ideally he should have done this before having a kid.
His parents are brutally cruel.

The very definition of discrimination

Really? Evidence?

My DH is exactly the same with his parents, displays contempt when they do something odd/unthinking, however minor. He had a similar experience as a child (not boarding school but similar abandonment) so it's interesting that they regress in the same way. I feel really uncomfortable being around them but they just seem to carry on/ignore and will probably never discuss it

Does this upset his parents? I'm asking because it almost sounds like this is how they communicate - or even, god help them, show affection. You said his mother's similar. As it's only happening at their home, there could be a sense that they need or deserve everything to be perfect. It isn't, and he says so. Perhaps his mother would say it if DH wasn't there.

I feel sorry for the dad - nobody wants instant criticism of their efforts - but is he the same as well?

Tbh any parents who sent their 6 yo infant away deserve effing, blinding and a whole lot more. What the fuck?

Tbh most modern middle class children I meet (whether with or without siblings) are utterly indulged beyond anything I experienced as a child and beyond anything my only child is experiencing in our raising of him.

It is an attitude to parenting, not an only child thing. You’re pretty ignorant @pinkyredrose

I think you should speak to him and suggest his parents come to your house to visit. I refuse to let my mother through the door of my house as she just endlessly criticises everything about my house every time she visits. There's no reason for it other than it's just how she is. I visit her instead (and for very short visits)..

@effie19 odd/unthinking is best way to put it and to be fair to DH a lot of the stuff he gets annoyed about is very illogical thinking from his parents (they've all ways been like that).

Yes, this.
Also, OP is so judgemental and full of decency to parents in law, what if they were abusive?
She would likely know F all about the extent.

@Isit2026yetas I have mentioned: I am also an only child and the illogical thinking from my parents drives me fucking bananas too. That and ill thought out, unsubstantiated, intolerant right wing views.

Oh, and the fact they still think they have the right to comment on decisions we have made regarding our son’s raising when they’re peripherally involved in his life. And have ONLY ONE GRANDCHILD.

@Luckyingame in laws were not abusive. I know all about his childhood as he does with mine. My parents were abusive to the point I was put on child protection register.

Oh my that's so sad. Sent away as a young child and they have the audacity to move 5 mins away so he's free to care for then in their old age! They have truly played him! No wonder he's angry!

Going to boarding school can be very damaging. I sense you're comparing your own childhood with his and how you treat your parents now with how he treats his. It's unacceptable to you obviously. Do you think you've been harder done by and so he doesn't have the right to his feelings and should bite his tongue like you do? Why is that do you think?

@NotrialNodeal they asked us before they moved. Again he actively encouraged it. On the whole he has a good relationship with his parents. It's just the response he gives them on unlogical thinking.

I don't think I'm ignorant thanks. I've just had the misfortune to meet a fair few spoiled only children though and that's obviously coloured my view. No offence intended.

@NotrialNodeal i don’t think he's been harder done by. We both had challenging relationships for varying reasons with parents no one wins in this. It's not a competition. I just don't think effing and blinding at parents about trivial things they've done in their own house is on.

Haven't RTFT but am thinking surely this is because he's angry with how they have treated him, how they shipped him off to boarding school as a small child, hqve now moved close to him to seemingly pressure him to do more with/for them, and left him with all the responsibility for them as an only child. However no doubt he feels guilty about feeling like that so resolves to go and help them. But gets annoyed when they bollocks stuff up because it feels like yet more pressure on him as it is a reminder they need his help. YABU to intervene in his family dynamics and to tell him how to feel. For sure encourage him to get therapy to process his feelings and maybe try to discuss the underlying frustrations with his parents, the deeper issues, to try to resolve them for all of their benefit. But it may well be they dont acknowledge whatever those issues are and he feels worse. I have family members who never fail to make everything they've done wrong someone else's fault and who are entirely incapable of recognising why someone else might be upset, which means you can't discuss those underlying issues with them, they never get resolved, so you stay angry. And guilt is all part of that. Try to support him instead of telling him what to do and how to feel - shutting up and just bearing it might be impossible for him but also it could be very harmful to his health and lead to depression, bottling things up can be very damaging.