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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday gift that I really don’t want…

86 replies

Thingsthatgo · 04/01/2026 16:27

It’s a big birthday for me this year - I quite like my birthday usually, and don’t mind a bit of a fuss, but my ideal celebration would be with DH and our children going to a show with a night in a hotel.
My PIL and I have a fairly scratchy relationship, but we tolerate each other and try to keep things friendly. Over Christmas they announced to everyone that their big birthday gift to me is a holiday for all of us in Europe, including my BIL, all staying together in one house, travelling there together in one minibus, for a week. It really is my idea of hell. If it were for DH’s birthday, and he really wanted to go, I would try and suck it up for his benefit. But I am finding it extra grating that it is my birthday gift, and it is the last thing I want to do with my annual leave.
AIBU? How do I say thanks, but no thanks?

OP posts:
LeeshaPaper · 04/01/2026 16:28

Just say you can't get the leave/already have days off booked

It sounds like my idea of hell too

RandomMess · 04/01/2026 16:28

Thank them for the offer but it’s not something you want to do for your birthday. Better still get DH to tell them?

LeeshaPaper · 04/01/2026 16:29

Edit: you can say "I don't have the leave available to do that" if you don't want to lie. Because that's the truth - the leave you have, you don't want to do that!!

gamerchick · 04/01/2026 16:29

I think you can comfort yourself that your birthday is just an excuse for them wanting a holiday.

Hand it over to your bloke. Tell him you're not doing it and he can deal with them.

gerispringer · 04/01/2026 16:30

Shame you’ve already planned a holiday for your AL…

RandomMess · 04/01/2026 16:31

DH could go with the DC whilst you do lots of things you want to do with friends/your family?

SparklyGlitterballs · 04/01/2026 16:31

Ugh! How awful. That would have been my idea of hell too. Can you talk it over with your DH first and then sell it as above, that you already have holiday plans this year and not enough AL to take a second break as it's all allocated for school holiday cover etc?

Please tell us their holiday isn't already booked and paid for and can't be cancelled. Worse still, don't let it be over your actual birthday.

Definitely get your DH to be the one telling them it's not going to be possible.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 04/01/2026 16:35

So have they booked it already? Dates blocked out? Such a shame you won't be allowed leave that week so your DH will have to go on his own and you'll look forward to hearing about it when they get back!

BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys · 04/01/2026 16:35

They announced that you and your dh have to take time off work and spend money (on food and whatnot) on something that benefits them?

I would get dh to message them and say he had already booked something for you and the kids so you can't attend, and leave him to argue about it with them.

A gift doesn't include an expectation of someone's time and finances.

I would also start giving them gifts that I would like instead of what they would like, they started it.

FuzzyWolf · 04/01/2026 16:37

They just want to go on holiday and are pretending it’s a birthday gift for you.

I’d tell them that your annual leave is already accounted for so you can’t get the time off.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 04/01/2026 16:37

I think you do need to act fast as from their POV they probably think they are being generous. They might want the holiday anyhow of course.

You can get DH to talk to them and say "awkward.but I have already booked OP a trip at that time myself, and she doesn't know about it so don't discuss with her..

Plus tbh not really sure it's her thing. Tell you what, why don't you and BIL go anyhow and just get OP a token present, she really likes these chocolates/ perfume/ etc".

You'd have to accept only getting a smaller gift from them but sounds like it'd be worth it?

Newyearawaits · 04/01/2026 16:40

I think you should go.
You can have time apart whilst there.
They are your husband's parents

MadamCholetsbonnet · 04/01/2026 16:40

God that sounds hellish.

I would get DH to explain that it wasn’t something you could enjoy. If that’s not possible, then you will have to lie and say all your Annual Leave is accounted for (for the next ten years)

VickyEadieofThigh · 04/01/2026 16:44

Newyearawaits · 04/01/2026 16:40

I think you should go.
You can have time apart whilst there.
They are your husband's parents

It's HER birthday.
She really doesn't want to go.
People shouldn't book things and announce them to others as a fait accompli.

CatAsstrophe · 04/01/2026 16:50

Newyearawaits · 04/01/2026 16:40

I think you should go.
You can have time apart whilst there.
They are your husband's parents

I'm astonished by this.

Why on earth should anyone do what they don't want to do? Just because they're the OP's husband's parents doesn't mean they get to dictate life events, especially if the OP doesn't want to go.

toomuchfaff · 04/01/2026 17:04

Not really a gift for you is it; if everyone and the dog is invited, your Birthday is just the excuse and they wont have to get you anything else.

Advise as above, havent got the leave, aww thats so thoughtful, unfortunately I cant go (if the rest of them still want too, let them, including DH)

Wouldhavebeenproficient · 04/01/2026 17:06

Newyearawaits · 04/01/2026 16:40

I think you should go.
You can have time apart whilst there.
They are your husband's parents

If this were my in-laws, going on something like this would ruin any semblance of polite tolerance for the rest of our lives. It would be the worst thing for everyone involved and everyone's relationships.

Celestialmoods · 04/01/2026 17:09

Say it however it comes out. There’s no need to worry too much about the feelings of people who are happy to use you to get what they want. They have put you in a difficult position, they deserve to have it turned back on them.

Original poster
Thingsthatgo · 04/01/2026 17:09

Thank you all - I did say to DH that he could go with the kids, but I don’t think he wants to. I really don’t mind if they don’t get me anything at all - it would be infinitely preferable to a holiday. The journey would be so awful.
They are going to be so annoyed with me!

OP posts:
DustlandFairytaleBeginning · 04/01/2026 17:17

I'd just be honest with them in the kindest way you can. For me I'd thank them for thinking of me and explain as an introvert I find trips with so many people stressful and difficult to manage so I wouldn't be coming, but that you'd be supportive of your DH and kids going if they'd like to. I'd keep reiterating how appreciative I was of the offer. I have had to do similar when gifted a cooking course- a lovely idea but the idea felt nothing more than stressful to me- so I asked the recipient to please use it instead. If you aren't honest about your feelings I think a similar gift might come around in the future to make up for the fact you 'weren't able to come last time!'

Shedmistress · 04/01/2026 17:21

Thingsthatgo · 04/01/2026 17:09

Thank you all - I did say to DH that he could go with the kids, but I don’t think he wants to. I really don’t mind if they don’t get me anything at all - it would be infinitely preferable to a holiday. The journey would be so awful.
They are going to be so annoyed with me!

They don't seem to worry about you being annoyed with them.

Just get your husband to have a word and say it is too much and you were planning your own holiday just the 4 of you and you cant get two lots of annual leave off.

Eyeshadow · 04/01/2026 17:24

gamerchick · 04/01/2026 16:29

I think you can comfort yourself that your birthday is just an excuse for them wanting a holiday.

Hand it over to your bloke. Tell him you're not doing it and he can deal with them.

I agree with this.

Dietday · 04/01/2026 17:30

That's about them, not your birthday.
I don't think it is ever a genuine gift, imposing on someone's personal time like that.
Perfectly reasonable to say thanks but no thanks.
Your husband needs to 100% back you on this.

somanychristmaslights · 04/01/2026 17:52

Are they the type of people that say things like that but never actually would see it through? Good that your DH doesn’t want to go either, at least you can both make excuses about annual leave from work and hopefully put an end to it. Very odd gift for a PIL to give.

canklesmctacotits · 04/01/2026 17:57

They being annoyed with you is no better or worse than you being annoyed with them, and you’re not the ones who’s imposed anything on anyone.