Birthday gift that I really don’t want…

[Thingsthatgo]

It’s a big birthday for me this year - I quite like my birthday usually, and don’t mind a bit of a fuss, but my ideal celebration would be with DH and our children going to a show with a night in a hotel.
My PIL and I have a fairly scratchy relationship, but we tolerate each other and try to keep things friendly. Over Christmas they announced to everyone that their big birthday gift to me is a holiday for all of us in Europe, including my BIL, all staying together in one house, travelling there together in one minibus, for a week. It really is my idea of hell. If it were for DH’s birthday, and he really wanted to go, I would try and suck it up for his benefit. But I am finding it extra grating that it is my birthday gift, and it is the last thing I want to do with my annual leave.
AIBU? How do I say thanks, but no thanks?

I think this is for your DH to deal with on the basis that you aren’t going to go. If he won’t then honesty really is the best policy - tell them thanks but no thanks. No excuses, don’t blame leave availability (in case they just change the dates to ones you can do….) just - thanks for thinking of me but no thanks and hope you all enjoy yourselves in the Minibus of Hell.

this really isn’t for you, OP. It’s their plan that they are dressing up as being for you. It’s their holiday and just happens to be near your birthday.
im assuming they didn’t run it by your husband either as he doesn’t want to go?
is it already booked?
I firmly believe that people should get to do what they want to do on their birthday.

Over Christmas they announced to everyone that their big birthday gift to me is a holiday for all of us in Europe, including my BIL, all staying together in one house, travelling there together in one minibus, for a week.

Christmas was over a week ago-what did you say at the time?

I agree with this. Also I don’t think it was really for your birthday. I think he wanted to do it anyway and has framed it as for your birthday! I’d message saying,” that’s a lovely thought and I appreciate the sentiment, but I wouldn’t have enough annual leave to do that, and I’m planning on doing something else for my birthday with husband and the kids. But I hope you all have a great time. “

I would be saying that you don't have any more leave left to take. Unless they are the type of people who would then try and defer until next year. In which case I think you (or ideally your husband) would need to say something that is closer to the truth which is that you don't want to go.

It's a tricky one!!! Fundamentally though you are not unreasonable to not want to go.

I did it once with my parents in law. I said I wouldn't but I relented because I knew it was my mother in laws dream. I absolutely wouldn't travel with anyone. I would work in days when you don't do anything together...as many as you like. Having said that, if you don't want to it's absolutely fine to say you don't want to. They definitely shouldn't have booked it without a conversation. For me, that's off the scale controling but maybe they were trying to do something nice for you?

100% send your DH with the kids and enjoy the time alone. Don’t feel your DH has the right to ‘not fancy it’ when it’s his parents who did this. Your ILs have thick skin, yours needs to be thicker.

I would ask DH to steer them towards your ideal celebration which would be going to a show with a night in a hotel.

Anyone who books a holiday without checking dates are convenient real really, really not be encouraged or have their plans rewarded with any kind of success

What?? You’re going to say no?? Go. Live your best life. A show and night away can be done on a Saturday night.

Lifes about living. Not finding the negative in everything. Worst case they’ll annoy you. Best case you might have a good time.

I have a big birthday too and this would be my idea of hell. We have just done 10 days abroad with dh's family and I told him on day 3 that I would never do this again and he had bloody better not ask. I'd tell them straight that this is not what you want for a birthday present and whilst a generous gift you would be declining. However I value my sanity above family relations. If that isn't you I'd just say you can't get the annual leave so must decline.

I think this is the perfect answer.

Let them be annoyed. It’s OK.

Total hell, send your DH and you stay home.

Yeah I'd be a bit miffed if I was OP's parents!

Just drop MIL an email or letter, saying ' Hi MIL, I was really rather taken aback when you announced at Christmas that you want (have booked) us all to go on holiday together for my birthday. While it's an incredibly generous offer, I'm afraid I really don't enjoy holidays with anyone other than DH and the kids, as I find too many people in one place for more than a couple of days, rather overwhelming, so I'm afraid we're going to decline. Also, with it being a special birthday, I've got my heart set on having a night in a hotel, and doing a show (ideally mention one that you'd like to see) with the kids, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but feel it's better to be honest. Thanks again for the generous offer though.

She obviously won't like it, but by putting it in writing, she can't try and argue with you, and interrupt what you're saying, which she doubtless will if you or DH try telling her face to face. You'll likely get a phone call or visit, when she'll try and argue for what she wants but just stand firm and repeat what you've said in the email. Good luck.

My idea of hell too. Just say no - that’s not what you’d like to do. They might be annoyed - but then they should have asked shouldn’t they?!

Tell them that you'd rather the cash instead. 😂

That sounds lovely despite not being quite to your tastes. For my big birthday in December, I got some snacks and a 7.5ml perfume. The only benefit is he has a big birthday next year so he knows what hes getting.

Could you for his birthday book something you want instead?

I would say I can't get the time off work but your DH and DC are able to go still. Then I would book the whole week off work, and enjoy a full week to myself in the house in peace and quiet, just me and the cats. My idea of heaven and a real birthday treat! (After paying someone to deep clean my house beforehand as well for total relaxation)

100%

You just need to be completely honest with them and tell tham that you don't want this. It's basically a present to themselves not a thoughtful gift for you.

No way, I wouldn’t enjoy staying with my own family in shared accommodation for a week, definitely wouldn’t want to go with my in-laws.
It wouldn’t be relaxing.
I always book separate accommodation.

I'd go. It might be fun. Where in Europe?

Why not tell them that one of your colleagues just had THE WORST Christmas holiday ever with family and it’s confirmed what you always thought; that this really isn’t your kind of thing. Suggest a nice lunch or dinner somewhere instead

just keep repeating that this isn’t the kind of thing you want to do.