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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday gift that I really don’t want…

86 replies

Thingsthatgo · 04/01/2026 16:27

It’s a big birthday for me this year - I quite like my birthday usually, and don’t mind a bit of a fuss, but my ideal celebration would be with DH and our children going to a show with a night in a hotel.
My PIL and I have a fairly scratchy relationship, but we tolerate each other and try to keep things friendly. Over Christmas they announced to everyone that their big birthday gift to me is a holiday for all of us in Europe, including my BIL, all staying together in one house, travelling there together in one minibus, for a week. It really is my idea of hell. If it were for DH’s birthday, and he really wanted to go, I would try and suck it up for his benefit. But I am finding it extra grating that it is my birthday gift, and it is the last thing I want to do with my annual leave.
AIBU? How do I say thanks, but no thanks?

OP posts:
TheWalkingDead81 · 05/01/2026 22:26

I think you have to suck it up and go. It's a lovely gesture, what's the worst that could happen?

TheWalkingDead81 · 05/01/2026 22:26

I think you have to suck it up and go. It's a lovely gesture, what's the worst that could happen?

QuickPeachPoet · 05/01/2026 22:29

Thingsthatgo · 04/01/2026 17:09

Thank you all - I did say to DH that he could go with the kids, but I don’t think he wants to. I really don’t mind if they don’t get me anything at all - it would be infinitely preferable to a holiday. The journey would be so awful.
They are going to be so annoyed with me!

that is the issue when people book things behind your back, good intentions or not, that require your free time and energy.

PorridgeEater · 05/01/2026 23:17

Maybe they're lonely and want some company on holiday? But you have other commitments at that time don't you? (or maybe you're going to arrange some ...)

surprisebaby12 · 05/01/2026 23:31

I would put money on the fact they’ve made it a “birthday present” for you so you feel too awkward to turn down their idea

SexyFrenchDepression · 06/01/2026 11:58

I dont understand how this is a birthday present for you? A holiday they are paying for everyone?

All very odd. We often go on holiday as a big family group for big birthdays but we would pay for the birthday person collectively and then pay our own way. To pay for everyone and say its for 1 persons birthday seems strange.

Original poster
Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 13:27

I spoke to MIL over the weekend - I said it was a very generous gift, but no thank you. I think she was fuming, and shocked, but I decided that I was not going to suck it up just to please them. I didn’t lie, or make up an excuse, but I was grateful for the offer, and gentle in the way I turned it down.

OP posts:
Dietday · 06/01/2026 13:31

Well done.
A birthday gift is a voucher for a holiday that you use as YOU please.
It is NOT hijacking your birthday with their plan and inviting others like your BIL.

Quite bizarre and I wouldn't entertain it for a minute.

GAJLY · 06/01/2026 13:41

Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 13:27

I spoke to MIL over the weekend - I said it was a very generous gift, but no thank you. I think she was fuming, and shocked, but I decided that I was not going to suck it up just to please them. I didn’t lie, or make up an excuse, but I was grateful for the offer, and gentle in the way I turned it down.

Well done op. She’s surprised you don’t want to do something that they didn’t ask you about?! 😂 Basically she wanted the holiday and tried to frame it as for your birthday! They can still do that, but not for your birthday!

PopcornKitten · 06/01/2026 16:23

Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 13:27

I spoke to MIL over the weekend - I said it was a very generous gift, but no thank you. I think she was fuming, and shocked, but I decided that I was not going to suck it up just to please them. I didn’t lie, or make up an excuse, but I was grateful for the offer, and gentle in the way I turned it down.

I bet you feel a weight off your shoulders after dealing with it.hopefully, MIL will be fine with your gentle refusal. Now you can sit back and enjoy what you want to do to celebrate.

SunMoonandChocolate · 06/01/2026 17:20

Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 13:27

I spoke to MIL over the weekend - I said it was a very generous gift, but no thank you. I think she was fuming, and shocked, but I decided that I was not going to suck it up just to please them. I didn’t lie, or make up an excuse, but I was grateful for the offer, and gentle in the way I turned it down.

Well done OP, it must have taken courage to do that, but at least you've shown everyone that you're not a push over, and maybe they'll think before making plans for you in future.

As a matter of interest, had they already booked the holiday, or were they still thinking about it?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/01/2026 17:30

So glad you’ve done that OP. It was absolutely the right thing to do.

For me, even the minibus journey would be an absolute no, as I’m very travel sick on the roads (bus, car, coach).

Why would they assume you wanted a big family trip with your DH’s family for your big birthday?

gamerchick · 06/01/2026 17:31

Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 13:27

I spoke to MIL over the weekend - I said it was a very generous gift, but no thank you. I think she was fuming, and shocked, but I decided that I was not going to suck it up just to please them. I didn’t lie, or make up an excuse, but I was grateful for the offer, and gentle in the way I turned it down.

Bravo OP.

tinyspiny · 06/01/2026 17:47

Well done @Thingsthatgo

Original poster
Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 17:48

@SunMoonandChocolate it was heavily implied that it was already booked, but it turned out that they had not actually paid anything yet. They let me believe that they had though, it all feels very scheming. However, I am just glad that I’m not going, and choosing to be believe that they are generous but misguided!

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 06/01/2026 17:48

Have they just booked it without checking with you or your DH? How presumptuous. Just tell them you don’t have enough leave and can’t go. Very odd to do that and just assume you want to go with them.

Cornishclio · 06/01/2026 17:50

Well done on asserting yourself.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/01/2026 17:59

Good for you op, are they still planning on going?

Iloveacurry · 06/01/2026 18:08

Well done op. Result!

CraftyBalonz · 06/01/2026 18:16

They're very weird.

well done for declining, but no way was that a birthday gift. 😂They had planned or wanted a family holiday, and decided to save cash by calling it YOUR birthday present.

maybe she's fuming because she had to find you an actual gift? 😂

SunMoonandChocolate · 06/01/2026 18:55

Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 17:48

@SunMoonandChocolate it was heavily implied that it was already booked, but it turned out that they had not actually paid anything yet. They let me believe that they had though, it all feels very scheming. However, I am just glad that I’m not going, and choosing to be believe that they are generous but misguided!

This sounds even more manipulative OP. Why not just ask how you felt about the idea, if they hadn't already booked it? Do they often try to get people to bend to their wishes?

Asianbrit · 06/01/2026 23:13

Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 13:27

I spoke to MIL over the weekend - I said it was a very generous gift, but no thank you. I think she was fuming, and shocked, but I decided that I was not going to suck it up just to please them. I didn’t lie, or make up an excuse, but I was grateful for the offer, and gentle in the way I turned it down.

Brilliant. That’s exactly the mature and right thing to do. Good for you
It may have been meant kindly as they were paying snd maybe felt they could babysit etc and give you free time but it doesn’t work for you and you have been honest. I am sure it was difficult but give yourself a pat on the back.

Christmaseree · 06/01/2026 23:21

Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 17:48

@SunMoonandChocolate it was heavily implied that it was already booked, but it turned out that they had not actually paid anything yet. They let me believe that they had though, it all feels very scheming. However, I am just glad that I’m not going, and choosing to be believe that they are generous but misguided!

Well done.

Jack80 · 06/01/2026 23:40

I would say I've got no A/L left

bigboykitty · 06/01/2026 23:42

That's not a gift. What selfish twats!