Is this gaslighting?

[MyRareDenimPlayer]

I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years this year, and we have 2 kids (6 and 3). We generally get on well and have a lot of fun together, but our relationship feels like it’s deteriorating. We argue more and more and it usually involves me in tears and him getting angry.

most recent example from this morning:

2 days ago we reorganised the furniture in one of our rooms, to make the room more accessible and tidier. I walked in there yesterday and the floor was covered in mess, because my husband has decided to tidy pile in the the bottom of his wardrobe and threw it all in the clear room (this is his process, to tidy one room by trashing another. It does my nut but that’s another story).
he said ‘let’s not talk about it right now’ as it was bedtime and he doesn’t like big talk at that time. I went to bed with my brain thinking it over and then went to sleep.
woke up in the morning and we were resting/cuddling in bed. Our conversation was:

him: what are you thinking
me: I’d like you to get that mess cleared up today
him: (silence)
me: hey…
him: whatever (rolls away in a strop)

He then got really pissy because I’d apparently bollocked him without saying nice things first. To me it wasn’t a slander, just a request to fix something that was bothering me?
I felt shit that the morning had started this way and went and cried in another room. This kind of thing happens a lot and when it does I’ve got no resilience to turn the other cheek, I just feel empty and ruined.

he found me upset and said I’m never happy with anything he does. I was sobbing curled up in a ball and he was venting at me about how I’m not grateful and need to be nicer etc.
it only ended because my 6yo came in and hugged me.

Is he gaslighting me into thinking this is my fault? Or am I cruel or insensitive?
either way this isn’t working for me but I’d be interested to know an outsider view. Thanks

🤣🤣 I was thinking what the "right" answer to that question would be (because obviously nobody wants the actual truth when asking that!) and I came up with "I'm thinking I like waking up in your arms" 🤣 yours is better!!

Read update, your relationship sounds completely exhausting. I suspect bad habits have been formed early on in your relationship with you being overly emotional and him tending to them as though you’re some kind of rare orchid. Leading to unsustainable expectations for both of you. This is fault on BOTH sides tbh.

Stop crying, be a little grey rock. Sounds like you’re just a bit tired of each other, but not necessarily The End.

What happened Christmas Day for him to ignore you for 5 hours? It doesn’t really matter, all of this is doing is damaging your child. They would have known something was going on Christmas Day as mummy and daddy are not speaking to each other. And then to find your crying in a room. You need to split up for the sake of your child so they’re not growing up in this environment.

You don't need a reason to end a relationship. I think you want it to be his fault. Both sides have behaved badly. Do consider if you need therapy to deal with your potential narcissistic behaviour.

Neither of you sound like you are coping well with emotions.

I think we’re both at the end of a very long, very hard part of our lives. We had our first baby then were plunged into the Covid lockdowns. My husband developed gastric problems from his stress and has always had anxiety and depression.
I tried to be supportive for a long time but the stress of it (and living with his constant moods) has really worn me down.

I absolutely agree I’m probably OTT but I’m stressed and he’s angry and it’s all shit. I hate it and I don’t want to be crying so I’m not being intentionally manipulative.

we did couples counselling already a few months ago and are going to go back this week.

That’s not gaslighting.

Gaslighting would be telling you there wasn’t a mess, that he didn’t make the mess or that you said you were going to tidy it

Well I’ve spent the morning thinking this over while playing board games with my kids. My husband and I had a hug whcih felt a lot better - underneath it all I think we still love each other, but there’s too much drama to see it properly.

Ive googled how often a couple ‘should’ argue (ofc there being no right answer), but there’s so many people saying either never or infrequently. Loads of people saying they just have discussions instead of arguments.
my overreactions are because we argue twice a week and everything is stacking up for me. I’m not sure how he is happy living like this but I am not.

maybe we can work this out in therapy. But my gut right now is that this relationship is not meant to be. I want it to work but won’t stay if this doesn’t change. It needs both of us to change.

Living with a constantly angry partner is shit and exhausting, walking on eggshells to keep the peace is shit and exhausting. Personally I don't think anger like that can be fixed.

This.
He is chronically angry, stressed, anxious, and depressed, to the point that he has developed gastric problems (gastric symptoms often follow from unresolved unhealthy emotions).
It is unlikely he will change. As he ages, and life seems more and more tough and "unfair" to him, he will turn into the classic bitter old man.

Meanwhile, you turn to tears far too easily. Women often do this because it is 'socially unacceptable' for girls and young women to get angry, so they learn to cry or get depressed instead.
Find your anger. Give yourself permission to get really angry with him (if you think the situation warrants it), and whatever it takes don't let yourself cry. Stop the tears. It will be very tough to do this, you will likely fail the first few times you try, but keep trying as in the end it will be a healthier reaction.

Overall though, it may be best to separate if things don't dramatically improve within six months. It is not right to bring up children in such a dreadful atmosphere - they are better if the parents separate.

And so is someone who gets really upset and cries at the smallest of things, because that also means walking around on eggshells.

Tidying out his wardrobe wasn't the worst thing he could do. Choose your battles

It sounds like you are both creating this dynamic. It’s good that you are returning to marriage guidance counselling.

Thankyou for your advice. This is genuinely helpful and I will try this! I think because of his anxiety I’ve tried to avoid shouting at him but yes, holding my emotions in has left me an emotional wreck instead.

Wtf…you were curled up in a ball crying?!

Surely Christmas Day was about the kids and not you?